denise_xo Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I think there's a distinction between 1) a 'so what's your number so I can assess your slut factor' approach and 2) the more general issue of sharing one's personal history within the context of being in a relationship, including relationship history and sexual history. For those who keep saying it's never good to share numbers, is it because of the first issue? Or is it more generally 'always bad' to share past sexual history with a current partner? If yes, why?
laRubiaBonita Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I think there's a distinction between 1) a 'so what's your number so I can assess your slut factor' approach and 2) the more general issue of sharing one's personal history within the context of being in a relationship, including relationship history and sexual history. For those who keep saying it's never good to share numbers, is it because of the first issue? Or is it more generally 'always bad' to share past sexual history with a current partner? If yes, why? i am sure there are a few individuals who "can handle the truth".... but IME, no guy wants to hear that his SO has slept with anyone but him (even if he knows it is not the case). also if i know his number... then i might get slightly jealous
Darren Taylor Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Never a good idea to ask about the number of partners. But if the number tends to be insanely high, those types of things rear its ugly head at some point. You don't have to ask because skeletons in the closet tend to find a way to leak out. It's not limited to promiscuous pasts.
zengirl Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I think there's a distinction between 1) a 'so what's your number so I can assess your slut factor' approach and 2) the more general issue of sharing one's personal history within the context of being in a relationship, including relationship history and sexual history. For those who keep saying it's never good to share numbers, is it because of the first issue? Or is it more generally 'always bad' to share past sexual history with a current partner? If yes, why? Huge distinction. Personally, I've never had a guy ask my number, and I don't go around saying, "By the way, want to know how many dudes have been here first?" Seems weird and only like score keeping. That said, I'd have no issues with a guy asking my feelings about sex, casual sex, how my sexuality has changed over the years, relationships I've been in, and I've talked freely about sex in certain ways with boyfriends definitely. But I guess I just would imagine "What's your number?" is only really asked by people who want to judge it in silly ways. And, frankly, my number is fairly low and I don't think I'd need to worry about the "slut" factor. I just don't see how it's a productive question. It's also a "comparison" question, and "comparison" questions are rarely good.
denise_xo Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 i am sure there are a few individuals who "can handle the truth".... but IME, no guy wants to hear that his SO has slept with anyone but him (even if he knows it is not the case). also if i know his number... then i might get slightly jealous Thanks, RB. Yes that's my general impression, that it's either fear of being judged negatively by a partner, or fear of jealousy issues. I wonder how/if it would all change if everyone was honest and open about it. I'd have no issues with a guy asking my feelings about sex, casual sex, how my sexuality has changed over the years, relationships I've been in, and I've talked freely about sex in certain ways with boyfriends definitely. But I guess I just would imagine "What's your number?" is only really asked by people who want to judge it in silly ways. I just don't see how it's a productive question. It's also a "comparison" question, and "comparison" questions are rarely good. Fully agree with everything here.
somedude81 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 multiply by 5... (at least) Yeah that's probably something to keep to yourself I just thought of the best questions to ask about a girls number. If she's youngish "Are you a virgin?" If she's not. "Have you been with more than five guys?" If the answer is yes, I'll just assume that she's been with only six guys and not prod anymore. There's nothing bad about being with that many. And I'll also know that she will be experienced. Plus it saves me from hearing her true number which could be something really high.
laRubiaBonita Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I wonder how/if it would all change if everyone was honest and open about it. i would still be thinking "hmmmm- i wonder how i compare with his #3 and 7..... it is just something i wouldn't want to know. i have only ever been asked by one bf- he told me his number first (3, including me) and then i lied and told him a number lower than it really is. firstly- i think it is kind of a rude question secondly- i could totally see it possibly being used against me AND i did tell him a lower number- i think i told him 6- and i could see it in his face that he was judging me!
HeartOnSleeve Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 If it's important to you....just find out when they were last tested and if you want recommend that you both get tested if it's headed into a committed relationship No harm in finding that out, better than asking for a number. Numbers don't really matter anyways as it only takes one person to screw up your entire world.
sally4sara Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 How many women have decided you were not good enough? You went on a date or two or even had a full on relationship, but she dropped you in the end. How many would that rack up for me? 3 If it is higher than MY magic cut off number then you're not good enough for me either. Would that be fair? Logical?
Author pj1970 Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 There are several factors, her age and when she first got sexually active. So I'd say no more than 10 and there shouldn't be more than three in one year. If a girl is doing more than three guys a year, then she's having casual sex or isn't very smart about the guys she's in relationships with. ok- so someone does agree that a # does correlate with an aspect of personality
Author pj1970 Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 I have no problems being asked or asking that question. Granted, this shouldn't come out early on in the dating process...but eventually ,why not? If you're going to pursue a relationship with someone, why not know their history? And unless you have something that you are ultra ashamed of...what's the problem with answering? (and even so, "I'm ashamed of <something> and <this> is why" is a perfectly reasonable response to someone) yeah- withholding info doesn't seem like a path to a healthy relationship
Author pj1970 Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 i am sure there are a few individuals who "can handle the truth".... but IME, no guy wants to hear that his SO has slept with anyone but him (even if he knows it is not the case). also if i know his number... then i might get slightly jealous so it obviously sounds like you generally assume most guy's number would be higher than most women's which sounds like a presumptive expectation - which in my case would probably be a disappointment so why not bring it up early on and just get the disappointment or expectation out of the way and then move on?
TheBigQuestion Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 The number one rule about this question is the following... 1. If you are asked this question, don't provide an untruthful answer. If you can't handle telling someone the truth, don't answer the question at all. If you feel the need to lie about this, for whatever reason, you are not fit to be in a long-term relationship. This goes for both genders. And now, a corollary that applies mostly to women: Guys who weren't born yesterday will assume you are lying. Depending on what they infer from other sources, they may even assume that you've slept with double the amount of people that you've divulged.
carhill Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I've asked about relationship and marital history, along with family history, and that's all. Anything sexual-related has been volunteered. I have no issues talking openly about sex and my sexual history if someone is interested. The few LS'ers who know me in real life know this. Since I dated during the era when HIV became widely known and feared, routine testing and control celibacy periods have always been a feature; this was generally not an issue since I only had sex within relationships. Still, I found talking openly about such subjects gave me a good read on the compatibility of a potential partner. All my partners have been admitted 'higher' (compared to myself) numbers women, meaning an average of 3 or more partners per year when not married or LTR, over the relevant periods of sexual life (20-35 years).
laRubiaBonita Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 so it obviously sounds like you generally assume most guy's number would be higher than most women's which sounds like a presumptive expectation - which in my case would probably be a disappointment so why not bring it up early on and just get the disappointment or expectation out of the way and then move on? no, i do not assume most men have a higher number than most women. But i, myself, do not want to know about past partners because then i, myself, will think of that number of women and wonder if i am good enough. so i am more mirroring what i would feel to what i think others might feel too.
sally4sara Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 no, i do not assume most men have a higher number than most women. But i, myself, do not want to know about past partners because then i, myself, will think of that number of women and wonder if i am good enough. so i am more mirroring what i would feel to what i think others might feel too. Bit different than looking at that number and wondering if THEY are good enough for you.
laRubiaBonita Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Bit different than looking at that number and wondering if THEY are good enough for you. true.... i feel i arrived at the "are they good enough for ME" after i broke up with the first guy i loved, circa 2003. after that guy- i knew i was worthwhile and i wasn't taking any crap from anyone again.
mr.dream merchant Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I used to get hung up on it, but if you play it cool, you'll be able to tell what kind of woman you're dealing with after a certain amount of time spent with her. Let's be straight up though, if I'm talking to a lovely woman of 22 years and her number is like 10+, I'm gonna pass. And that chick who's number is 60 multiplied by a factor of 5 (at least), lmao, dude, that's pretty gross. I mean, she must have like NO walls. No guys wants to be hugged up and in love with a woman who 10+ guys can say "Dude I totally boned that chick that guy is wining and dining over there". It's embarrassing. But as I said, through time spent with a woman, you'll definitely be able to tell if she's a jump off or a woman who respects herself.
Recommended Posts