pj1970 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 women, does it bother you when a potential male partner asks how many previous partners you've had? men can also answer this but conversely... but in the era of STDs shouldn't this be acknowledged as a legitimate question? I think there is fairness in using this statistic as a gauge of a person, not only as a health risk, but isn't this statistic also a decent gauge of overall sexual personality? it seems that typically women jump to a defensive posture and take this sort of inquiry as an affront (in internet forums definitely, not in person- or this reaction is masked when this type of thing is asked) as a 40 yr old male, my "count" is low compared to poll result averages I've encountered in part I think I bring up the issue to be upfront about what I may have in inexperience not that I'm a virgin by any means, but one has to just acknowledge the cultural impact and popularity of the movie "The 40 Year Old Virgin" to see that it's a legitimate issue my longest relationship was with vodka (8 yr sober, woohoo), but when the alcoholism was in full swing was when normal people were out there dating
Kelemort Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Don't ever bring up past numbers, nor mention who you've slept with. If you're that worried about diseases, go get tested together and leave it at that. Make sure you're both on the same page about a monogamous sexual relationship and leave it at that. Been there and done that - it's best NOT to know who your partner has been with!
Crazy Magnet Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 The last thing I want to know is a guy's "number." Get a clean check up and don't look back.
zengirl Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 but in the era of STDs shouldn't this be acknowledged as a legitimate question? No, and it has nothing to do with that. You can sleep with one person and get an STD and sleep with a hundred and not. Talking about protection and testing, on the other hand, are productive ways to address STDs. Check-ups are good. People who understand and care about protection are good. Numbers? That's all about ego. I would say attitudes towards sex is also a good thing to talk about, and experience can somewhat play in there but attitudes also evolve with time. So, a general overview of "What do you expect from a sexual relationship?" is good too, to see if you'd be compatible in terms of those views (i.e. casual sex, etc). I never want to know a guy's number. It tells me nothing, really.
phineas Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Despite the fact that I don't care & don't want to know this info about a woman, they still feel the need to tell me about it. Some have to give me a score card on every ex & what he did wrong ect,ect,ect. I don't care. Unless it was a sexual technique to make her orgasm. Then I'd like to be informed so I can perform it on her. You gotta drag that info out of me because I don't just volunteer it. Mostly because my past is embarrassing to me. I had very few real GF's. Most of my sexual encounters were one-night stands or couple week flings. Most women I tried to actually date just led me on & wasted my time before friendzoneing me. That's pretty sad.
sally4sara Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Anytime a guy has asked me that, my interest in them plummeted to zero. It screams "me and my insecurities desperately need a reason to judge you!"
Kelemort Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Yeah, asking about numbers can only go so many ways. If it's high, that could trigger insecurity and he'll start demanding to know more about it. If it's low...well...I don't know, maybe he'll still judge you because he secretly hoped you'd be a virgin for him at 50. And vice versa for women assessing men. People should -never- offer numbers about themselves. I think that even information about your dating past should be limited and only relevant; i.e., do not offer it unless it is asked and keep it as brief as possible. Do not get a big, stupid smile on your face while recounting all the times you and your ex banged. Your current girlfriend is bound to question that, even if you were just smiling because you remember clumsily banging your head on the wall. The whole thing is that you're in the relationship now and if it turns out to be a great relationship, of course you secretly wish that you had met that person earlier on in life (well, usually) and that you had fallen in love back then, before all of the other boyfriends or girlfriends that didn't make the cut. But life isn't a fairytale and along the way we probably end up with a lot of people who shouldn't occupy our time. But in the meantime, no numbers. If the other person starts babbling on about an ex or how he screwed up, you need only say, "Gina, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Hey, did you try the x?" If she still insists, try a firmer, "Gina, I am sad it happened to you but thankfully you were smart enough to get out of that situation. But I think it would be best for us if we didn't talk about our past relationships. Let's just be glad we're together now."
Eeyore79 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I don't think a person's "number" is really relevant to our relationship. What is relevant is whether they have any STDs, and whether they have the same type of morals as I do. I don't find prostitution, ONS or sex with multiple partners at the same time to be acceptable; I only believe in sex within the context of a loving monogamous relationship, and I want a person who shares my beliefs. Knowing anything beyond that about a person's sexual past is just asking for trouble.
denise_xo Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Anytime a guy has asked me that, my interest in them plummeted to zero. It screams "me and my insecurities desperately need a reason to judge you!" Agree. I don't however subscribe to a 'don't want to know' attitude. It's not that I particularly want to know or have a desire to know about exact numbers or everyone's relative performance. But a person's sexual past is part of that person's history like all other aspects of his/her life so it's not something I feel any need to shut out. It's just part of the package of a human being.
kiss_andmakeup Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 (edited) I wouldn't get "angry" if a partner asked me how many men I've been with, but I might choose not to answer it, even though my number isn't particularly high. I should also note that, for me at least, a man asking that question (especially in the early stages of the relationship) is a gigantic turn off. It reeks of insecurity and I tend to foresee future jealousy issues with anyone that feels compelled to know such a thing. The reason being that nothing good can come of such a discussion. Men especially tend to get hung up on a woman's previous partners, whether it's 1 or 100 there are men who will spend all their time wondering if they measure up and getting caught up in retroactive jealousy. It's just not a good dynamic to have. My boyfriend knows how many I've had only because I know he couldn't possibly care less. but in the era of STDs shouldn't this be acknowledged as a legitimate question? No, the legitimate question should be "have you been screened for STDs recently? If so, do you happen to have any documentation of it? If not, let's use protection in the interim and both go get screened soon." I think there is fairness in using this statistic as a gauge of a person, not only as a health risk, but isn't this statistic also a decent gauge of overall sexual personality? I disagree with this, but that's just a matter of opinion. Everyone has the right to have their own qualifiers and standards when choosing a partner. If a woman having >X sexual partners is a requirement for you, then so be it. Just know a few things: a. When asked the question, a woman can easily lie. She might not even be an overall dishonest person, just insecure, apprehensive, and/or ashamed of her sexual past and wanting to make a good impression. If a woman is lying you'll probably never know, sorry to say. b. There are women (like myself) who, depending on the stage of the relationship, may not answer the question at all. If you meet a fantastic, attractive, and personable woman who feels uncomfortable answering such a personal question, would that be a dealbreaker? c. I personally know women who have had a higher number of sexual partners and have, upon finding the right man, become excellent girlfriends, wives, and mothers. d. I also personally know women who were relatively chaste and "no-sex-until-date-40" types who ended up in relationships and then cheated. Multiple times. My conclusion from the above data is that, no, you really can't tell anything about a woman from her number, but if you must ask, you must ask. Edited March 24, 2011 by kiss_andmakeup
Saphira Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Despite the fact that I don't care & don't want to know this info about a woman, they still feel the need to tell me about it. Some have to give me a score card on every ex & what he did wrong ect,ect,ect. I don't care. Unless it was a sexual technique to make her orgasm. Then I'd like to be informed so I can perform it on her. You gotta drag that info out of me because I don't just volunteer it. Mostly because my past is embarrassing to me. I had very few real GF's. Most of my sexual encounters were one-night stands or couple week flings. Most women I tried to actually date just led me on & wasted my time before friendzoneing me. That's pretty sad. see my ex was the opposite, he had no problem bringing up an ex, or talking about them. and i was the one who didnt wanna hear about it or bring up my past. thats why it is a past. so i dont have to talk about it in the present lol. for the OP, for me, I frankly dont care to know how many people someone has dated or did things with. Nothing is a bigger turn off then my man talking about his ex's and things they did. I would suggest like everyone else that you just go get tested together. there is nothing wrong with that and it doesnt come with the "background chek" hahaha
Lilmisus Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Unless you're like my one friend who has had over 130 partners in around 7-8 years of being sexually active, then don't bother telling the number. He just sleeps with women because he's pretty much obsessed with it, and apparently he's upfront with whoever asks, or whoever he sleeps with. Only thing that matters is both of yours perspectives on sex and whether or not they have an STD.
reservoirdog1 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 The important thing is that you're both STD-free, and monogamous. Beyond that, I'm hard pressed to see ANY good coming from having a discussion with your SO about their "magic number". True, the discussion might not wreck the relationship. But it won't benefit it in any way, and it has a high potential to cause damage. Why go down that road? Waste of time and emotional energy. Assume that one's partner was with other people before they were with you, and then let it go. Why care, beyond that? They're with you now.
somedude81 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Be careful about asking for a womans number. 90% of the time it won't be what you want to hear. Women get around these days.
Lilmisus Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Be careful about asking for a womans number. 90% of the time it won't be what you want to hear. Women get around these days. Out of curiosity, what would you say the number that men typically "want" to hear if they do ask is? Especially since you said 90% of the time it isn't what they want to hear. If it's too small (0-2) it seems like many freak out. If it's too large, then they seem to lose respect for the woman, and also get intimidated..and freak out.
Lizzie60 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I would personally never answer this question.. my count is too high.. If you don't want lies, don't ask those personal questions.
denise_xo Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I would personally never answer this question.. my count is too high.. If you don't want lies, don't ask those personal questions. My so called count is high, too, but I tell the truth. If a man asks a question he can't deal with the answer to, it's kind of his problem...
somedude81 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Out of curiosity, what would you say the number that men typically "want" to hear if they do ask is? Especially since you said 90% of the time it isn't what they want to hear. If it's too small (0-2) it seems like many freak out. If it's too large, then they seem to lose respect for the woman, and also get intimidated..and freak out. There are several factors, her age and when she first got sexually active. So I'd say no more than 10 and there shouldn't be more than three in one year. If a girl is doing more than three guys a year, then she's having casual sex or isn't very smart about the guys she's in relationships with.
Lizzie60 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 My so called count is high, too, but I tell the truth. If a man asks a question he can't deal with the answer to, it's kind of his problem... There is high and HIGH... mine is 'over the roof'.. so no man would accept that.
denise_xo Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 There is high and HIGH... mine is 'over the roof'.. so no man would accept that. OK, now I'm curious
EyesWideOpen Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I have no problems being asked or asking that question. Granted, this shouldn't come out early on in the dating process...but eventually ,why not? If you're going to pursue a relationship with someone, why not know their history? And unless you have something that you are ultra ashamed of...what's the problem with answering? (and even so, "I'm ashamed of <something> and <this> is why" is a perfectly reasonable response to someone) Also, my opinion has nothing to do with STDs at all. I'm all about communication and figuring out how similar/compatible you are in a relationship. The number itself is only of minor significance. It's the general attitude, the openness, and maturity level in the response that I'm really paying close attention to.
somedude81 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 There is high and HIGH... mine is 'over the roof'.. so no man would accept that. Is it 60? I was trying to edit my post but I can't now so I'll add it to here. Ideally a woman would only be with 1 guy a year from the time she first became sexually active. Then hopefully she would have gotten into a LTR and her number would stop climbing for a few years.
fortyninethousand322 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 As long as she was STD free and we were in a monogamous relationship I don't think I would care to know the number of partners she's had. I have flip flopped a million times though as to whether I would ever reveal the number of partners I've had (zero). There is a high probability though that this might be obvious by the time we crossed that bridge so to speak. That being said, I wouldn't be offended if she asked, but I would be offended if she reacted negatively to the answer.
laRubiaBonita Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 The last thing I want to know is a guy's "number." Get a clean check up and don't look back. i totally agree! and you do not really want to know her number either...... it is just never a good thing.
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