spiderowl Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 (edited) I was hoping to meet a nice guy for a long-term relationship. I've not found anyone suitable or available from amongst my friends and social group so I've been on a dating site or two. I'm getting really quite depressed and fed up about the quality of the guys who get in touch with me. Even when their profiles sound interesting and they sound intelligent, we get chatting and before too long they are trying to push me into a conversation about sex. Some are more subtle than others but nearly all struggle to manage more than a few sentences before they get into that territory. I'm not a prude but I'm fed up of feeling that all they want to do is to talk sex online or play out their immediate sexual fantasies, probably jer***ng off while chatting to me (some definitely are and I drop the chat as soon as I realise and feel really angry at being used like this). I try to change the subject or tell them I'm not interested in such conversations with someone I hardly know and they sometimes apologise and then two minute later they are trying to twist the conversation back again. It just makes me feel used, as if they might as well be looking for the chat equivalent of a blow-up doll. They seem to have to force themselves to ask anything about me that doesn't have a sexual connotation and eventually get impatient and sometimes crude and abusive if I rebuff their attempts to steer the conversation. Needless to say, I usually opt out and don't want to be in touch again. I can understand that a guy might have a strong sex drive. So do I, but I want to get to know and trust the person first. They don't seem to be able to restrain themselves and usually start telling me how horny they are, how long it is since they last had sex, etc. As if I really need to know?! This whole thing is getting so frustrating. Am I missing something here or are guys really so thoughtless and insensitive? What should I do? Give up on dating sites or deal with the guys differently? It seems to me they have a single agenda and just see me as trying to frustrate them. They usually come to the conclusion that I'm a prude because I won't play that game with them. It's really frustrating to me because I would like a physical relationship too, just not with an insensitive guy who is more concerned with satisfying himself than about me. Edited March 24, 2011 by spiderowl
alexlakeman Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Not all guys are like that.. Maybe depends on the age / maturity level? Is this like just chatting online or video chatting? Maybe you need to change the way the first contact is done, ie phone call.. Maybe when they see "chat" they think sex?
Author spiderowl Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 (edited) Thanks for your reply. It's just email or IM chat. They get frustrated with me because I don't want to join in with what they consider to be natural and fun. There is absolutely nothing in my profile to suggest I want this kind of conversation with a guy. I try to be tactful at first and when they bring the subject up, I mention that I hardly know them and don't talk sex with guys I don't know and trust. But they seem to think that five minutes chat means that we know each other. I feel like I've heard every explanation under the sun from them to justify this behaviour. Some examples: "It's better we know about these things about each other up front." "You don't need to be shy with me, we are all adults here." "Get real, we are all grown ups and no-one is listening in." "I was just teasing you." "You are getting all prudish." "It's just a bit of fun, what's the harm." "Other women enjoy talking about this." I don't want to be a spoilsport and if they weren't shooting themselves in the foot like this they might well be having a lot more (real) fun. Instead, they are choosing to be pushy and I can't stand being used like this. Edited March 24, 2011 by spiderowl
ChessPieceFace Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I was hoping to meet a nice guy for a long-term relationship. I've not found anyone suitable or available from amongst my friends and social group I would take a harder look at who you've overlooked, and realize that you are most likely actually passing up the real "nice guys" you supposedly want. The responses you've mentioned from the dating sites sound ridiculous. Perhaps they are typical? Maybe those (or most) dating sites are crap. But be serious -- are you actually entertaining the idea that all guys are like that? No one in your entire life wasn't like that? Or maybe the guys "who don't do anything for you" aren't like that, but they don't count as "guys." I don't know you personally. But I see women do this constantly. All guys are not the same. Not at all. The kinds of traits women complain about are often a list of traits of the guys they go after. Whose fault is that?
pj1970 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 two things to consider as reasonable influences here I think 1. the Internet is inundated with anonymous porn so then a man meets anonymous woman online and I find it reasonable to think that a certain level of "anonymous online porn" is ingrained such so as to sway these Internet meetings with virtual strangers 2. you're probably not taking into account the sacrifice men give up by not immediately talking about sex, and having sex dominate the entire conversation it can be considered complimentary I think, that a. men DON'T talk about sex all of the time, and thereby illustrate a respect for a woman's mind, and an attraction toward that woman's mind (online photos never do justice), and a respect for a stereotypic woman's needs: the "getting to know each other stuff) AND b. that men DO express a sexual attraction in spite of most likely KNOWING that the photos never do justice... maybe it could ease your mind some to think of it like this would you rather be meeting a man in person to have him resorting to checking out your cleavage? or to have an online meetup's most degrading leering only involve semi-colons? >;)~
Author spiderowl Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 I appreciate your comments and that the guys may be being as restrained as they feel they can be. I also agree that they are probably heavily influenced by internet porn. Are you also saying there is no way I should meet these guys because if they can't behave online they would be worse in public?
Feelin Frisky Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I can't say that all guys are not like that, I can only say I've always made it a point not to be like that. If I were interested in you, I'd tell you "I'm not like that" but I'm not speaking to trying to engender myself to you. I've always thought that I never want to be so obvious and jerky when addressing new women. And it worked to my favor all my life. Females just take me as a "safe guy" after a short time. A lot of times they prefer a not so safe guy in other respects--the over-confident johnny maverick dude which I'm not--but I can't let that bother me. This is what my mother raised. I'm a decent guy. Now, I'll go home and jerk off about anyone I fancy--but she will never get the sense from me that I think that way.
Author spiderowl Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 Thanks for your honesty, Feelin Frisky. I get the feeling that's how most guys are, trying to be polite and decent but having to exercise some control to do it. That would be fine with me, after all it's flattering to be desired, but I feel what these guys are doing is tantamount to bullying. They get annoyed and frustrated if I keep refusing to be drawn on the subjects they feel are most important at that time, like what is my dress size, do I have any more pictures, what kind of kisses do I like? Why do they think this is appropriate? Don't they realise that they have less chance of sex if they behave like this? They usually want to meet as well, but they have usually made me feel sufficiently pressured and creeped out that there's no way I'd ever meet them.
Breayanna Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I can't help but feel that this thread is missing one tiny yet essential element... Women are human beings. Not objects. Not things. Not something functional. But human beings. So men make some big "sacrifice" when they can't talk about sex right off the bat? What does this mean? Women are merely functional for the release of men's sexual tension and thereby it's a sacrifice if they don't get to cut to the chase? This comment comes from a paradigm where men do not view women as they view other men. Other men are equals, human beings. People. Women are less than human, something that fulfills a function. That's the only way a comment like that makes any sense. Women demand relationships because its their nature as human beings to expect relationships rather than the expectation to merely be recepticals of sperm. If men balk because they don't want to treat women as they would treat themselves, I would suggest that these men have no potential to be satisfying partners anyway.
Feelin Frisky Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Thanks for your honesty, Feelin Frisky. I get the feeling that's how most guys are, trying to be polite and decent but having to exercise some control to do it. That would be fine with me, after all it's flattering to be desired, but I feel what these guys are doing is tantamount to bullying. They get annoyed and frustrated if I keep refusing to be drawn on the subjects they feel are most important at that time, like what is my dress size, do I have any more pictures, what kind of kisses do I like? Why do they think this is appropriate? Don't they realise that they have less chance of sex if they behave like this? They usually want to meet as well, but they have usually made me feel sufficiently pressured and creeped out that there's no way I'd ever meet them. I'm sorry you're having to suffer through this. I notice on your OP that you said "profiles" so I assume you're young and dealing with technology today as a young person. I'm an older person and there were no "profiles" or technologies when I was a teen or in my 20s. But guys acted just as you say then as now. My friends peeled away from me when the first group of grown up girls moved into our circles when we were teens--they began to hate me because the girls favored me but it was only because they behaved much like what you describe i.e being too much in a hurry to talk sex or relate things in terms of "sizes". I laughed as a kid when it was hypothetical that a guy would ask "how's your tits?" But when it came out of the kid's stuff and people were real and girls had tits, the stupidest thing I could think of is to say something like "what cup do you fill?" or what have you. I think the answer to your situation is that there's a lot still wrong with child-rearing and human development and despite the ability of technology to be a good buffer between people, no one is using it to do things that establish new ways that make good what we've gotten wrong. I hope to change the things I see wrong but for the time being, they are what they are. I just hope that you'll see my attitude as hopeful for other guys because no one had to teach me what "not to do"--it was obvious and it can't all be that hard. It's just that the majority are going to be predictable, shallow dweebs. Good luck and forgive me if I've gotten your age group wrong.
musemaj11 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I can understand that a guy might have a strong sex drive. So do I No, you dont understand. You have to be a man or at least have three times higher testosterone level than you do right now in order for you to understand a 'healthy' man's sexual drive. If you want a man who is not obsessed with sex, the solution is simple. Find a man with low sex hormones.
somedude81 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I'm not like that at all, and I'm constantly being friendzoned...
Mr.Cairo Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I appreciate your comments and that the guys may be being as restrained as they feel they can be. I also agree that they are probably heavily influenced by internet porn. Are you also saying there is no way I should meet these guys because if they can't behave online they would be worse in public? The quality of the men you're talking to is low. Porn has nothing to do with it, only how the man was raised and what he thinks of women matter. A police is a criminal for having a gun? But a criminal will have a gun? I'm probably one of the most avid watchers of porn out there and the complete opposite of what you're talking about happens with me. I never speak about sex, I never make a woman feel sexually threatned. I let the women show their interest and I go from there. The men you' are having conversations with are creeps. They'd be like that even if porn was removed from the planet. Find someone better to talk to. Matter of fact, stop with the chat and the internet. Meet real men in places like the Library, the gallery etc etc.
Mr.Cairo Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 No, you dont understand. You have to be a man or at least have three times higher testosterone level than you do right now in order for you to understand a 'healthy' man's sexual drive. If you want a man who is not obsessed with sex, the solution is simple. Find a man with low sex hormones. She just needs to find a man who values her enough to not treat her like a sex object because of his 'three times higher T levels'. I mean, last I heard the Pope was as man as any other and he controled his urges. If ha can completely shut off his sexual desires ,I'm sure the average guy can act like a human being instead of acting like a butt-sniffer.
Mr.Cairo Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 (edited) I can't help but feel that this thread is missing one tiny yet essential element... Women are human beings. Not objects. Not things. Not something functional. But human beings. So men make some big "sacrifice" when they can't talk about sex right off the bat? What does this mean? Women are merely functional for the release of men's sexual tension and thereby it's a sacrifice if they don't get to cut to the chase? This comment comes from a paradigm where men do not view women as they view other men. Other men are equals, human beings. People. Women are less than human, something that fulfills a function. That's the only way a comment like that makes any sense. Women demand relationships because its their nature as human beings to expect relationships rather than the expectation to merely be recepticals of sperm. If men balk because they don't want to treat women as they would treat themselves, I would suggest that these men have no potential to be satisfying partners anyway. See, this is what I find wrong with the way many people think. Women demand relationships. All women want to marry. All women want to have children. Imagine that. It seems that a woman can't enjoy casual sex or a nice FWB wiithout being called an anormaly, or a whore. Women can't enjoy temporary relationship because if the guy doesn't sign up for an imaginary(or worse, legal) agreement that they're an item now, he's abusing her and taking away from her nature as a human being. Some of the warmest women in my life just wanted to have fun. With whoever it was. Some of the coldest had short-term relationships and some had long-term relationships. It's all very relatiive. Simply enjoy the interaction, that's what I have to say to any guy. Don't make a woman feel creeped out by acting like a dog, and if she's attracted to you she'll take the first step. Yes. Many women go after what they want. how odd, huh? Edited March 24, 2011 by Mr.Cairo
TheLoneSock Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I was hoping to meet a nice guy for a long-term relationship. I've not found anyone suitable or available from amongst my friends and social group so I've been on a dating site or two. I'm getting really quite depressed and fed up about the quality of the guys who get in touch with me. Even when their profiles sound interesting and they sound intelligent, we get chatting and before too long they are trying to push me into a conversation about sex. Some are more subtle than others but nearly all struggle to manage more than a few sentences before they get into that territory. I'm not a prude but I'm fed up of feeling that all they want to do is to talk sex online or play out their immediate sexual fantasies, probably jer***ng off while chatting to me (some definitely are and I drop the chat as soon as I realise and feel really angry at being used like this). I try to change the subject or tell them I'm not interested in such conversations with someone I hardly know and they sometimes apologise and then two minute later they are trying to twist the conversation back again. It just makes me feel used, as if they might as well be looking for the chat equivalent of a blow-up doll. They seem to have to force themselves to ask anything about me that doesn't have a sexual connotation and eventually get impatient and sometimes crude and abusive if I rebuff their attempts to steer the conversation. Needless to say, I usually opt out and don't want to be in touch again. I can understand that a guy might have a strong sex drive. So do I, but I want to get to know and trust the person first. They don't seem to be able to restrain themselves and usually start telling me how horny they are, how long it is since they last had sex, etc. As if I really need to know?! This whole thing is getting so frustrating. Am I missing something here or are guys really so thoughtless and insensitive? What should I do? Give up on dating sites or deal with the guys differently? It seems to me they have a single agenda and just see me as trying to frustrate them. They usually come to the conclusion that I'm a prude because I won't play that game with them. It's really frustrating to me because I would like a physical relationship too, just not with an insensitive guy who is more concerned with satisfying himself than about me. In short, no. It's online, guys manipulate the dash of anonymity in order to test your waters and see if they can get easy sexual gratification from you. How do I know? Because I was 18 or 19 once too, with hormones raging and many outlets to pursue sex through, online dating included. Oh and by the way, it's not a 'nice' guy you are looking for - it's one that can keep his hormones in check and be respectful (just like how us guys look for girls who have their emotions in check, the two characteristics are equally rare). Just keep doing what you're doing. You might find the right one eventually. In the mean time improve yourself in ways that attract better quality guys - because you might be attracting all losers without even knowing it.
phineas Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 POF is the go to site for women that are DTF. So if you are on that site I can say just about any good looking guy on there will be like this because he knows all it takes is 5 mins. of chatting to find a woman to serve his purpose. And here is an FYI, if their jacked & have shirtless pic showing abs, they are probably not the type of guy you want to meet.
sniffys Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 this same thing happened to me before, but this one guy who i really liked so i struggled to meet his demands. the worst part was, he was bad at the whole sex chat thing. he took forever..very detailed. i would sometimes get so hungry in the middle of it. also he insisted on anal play, which i couldn't be excited about since i never had it.
Leeway Harris Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 There's also the fact that different people consider different things inappropriate. If they ask something like "What kind of kissing do you like?" or "What's your dress size?" out of the blue like that, I'd consider that over the line, definitely. But there are degrees of this, and not everybody agrees on what is and isn't decent conversation material. In fact, if it's too safe, lots of people will get bored and drift away - women included. They can love a guy who can tapdance on that line, but let him step one toe over it, and it's all over.
confusio Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I honestly never talked about sex on chat on chat before the date, because I can't imagine a girl being turned on by dirty talk on a first contact. I doubt that all guys are like that, and I'm guessing that you are only interested in the very best looking guy on the site, as every other girls. They must get soo many messages that they can afford to talk dirty on the first chat and get away with it once in a while. I'm a decent looking guy and I did get very frustrated with dating site because girls were only interested in the top 1% guy and on. Most of the girls I managed to meet were pretty crazy.
Kelemort Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I think that dating sites pose a problem sometimes because it's an immediate fantasy - they see you, you're hot, you may never meet, and they can learn about you and fantasize about you without any direct, tangible harm (it's not like they know you in person, right?). I don't think that all men are like that. My experiences on dating sites have been mixed - there are definitely the Bozos who are only in it for the sex, but there are plenty of others who realize that beyond the hour or two you -might- spend in the sack per week, you have to actually connect in other ways too.
blueskyday Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 If you see that kind of rude behavior, then cross that guy off your list. You don't have to explain disrespect...Any good guy knows that he needs to "control his hormones" if he wants more than sex. And many guys will see if you are the kind of girl who will just give it away, whether online or in-person. Don't worry one bit about these guys. They are playing the numbers. Be thankful they have shown you what they are all about...and then forget them.... I have said many times to guys like this, "I think we are looking for different things. Bye." But that's when I'm being nice...otherwise, I just never talk to them again. There are too many good guys out there to worry about the tools...
Eddie Edirol Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Stop going online, most of those guys, like Mr Cairo said, are creeps. They dont know how to deal with women in real life, and dont want a real relationship - thats why they are there. You have to start meeting people in person, OUTSIDE your social circle.
Eeyore79 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Some people will behave in a disrespectful way on a dating site because it's mostly anonymous, and they probably wouldn't speak to a stranger that way in person. They treat it like internet porn and forget there's a real person on the other end who deserves their respect. These are not the type of guys you want to meet anyway. There are some decent men on dating sites, but you have to wade through an awful lot of losers to find them.
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