Omei Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I think my relationship may be ending, there is so much fighting over petty things, he just returned and he's already out partying again, and that upset me because when he was here he drank so much and went over board and started shouting and calling me names. Other than that our visit was wonderful, when we are together we never fight. When we're apart we fight all the time, when he's here he acts mature and responsible when he's away he act's like a teenager. We talk for well over 2 hours a day....We both seem upset with each other when we're apart and very much so in the last 2 months. A mention of a break has been brought up, I am afraid to take a break...what if he finds not being in a relationship is easier than what we're doing and leaves? I cant picture not doing our routine everyday. My daughter's really close to him and he her, its just us not getting along. What can I do? we have talked so many times...should I take this break? I picture the 3 of us being together and he says he wants that too but with our continuing of fighting I see this dream fading quickly! I thought after the visit the fighting would of stopped because the visit was almost perfect! Do you think maybe we cant handle the distance anymore? it's been 2 1/2 years and things just keep getting harder and harder! I know someone will say maybe you guys just arnt in the same spot in your lives but we've come so far! and im so attached, we have major plans together. Basically we're like this...4 days or so will pass then a fight then 4 or so days then a fight. Im afraid that its getting close to the very last fight......Do I take this break?! So scared.
creighton0123 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Him yelling and screaming at you when drunk constitutes verbal domestic violence. That's not healthy or good for you or your daughter. If you want to try to salvage things, you'll need to work on communication and dispute resolution. Most problems, especially over petty issues, can be resolved with calm communication. Heavy drinking by one partner requires more thought since that is not a small or petty problem - but is most definitely a red flag when it comes to your family's well being. Don't be scared. Give yourself some more control in all of this.
HeavenOrHell Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Sorry to hear this You said when he's with you he acts mature and responsible but this contradicts with; >when he was here he drank so much and went over board and started shouting and calling me names. < If he's suddenly started drinking more than usual could he be stressed about something, or stressed about your r/ship, do you feel he wants out and his drinking is his way of dealing with it? Not saying this is the case, you know him and I don't, but just wondered if it could be a possibility? When you're apart what sort of things are you fighting about? If it's just petty stuff could the fights be masking stuff you feel underneath? It could just be that you miss each other and the distance is getting to you both. Is there an end in sight to the distance? Did he mention a break? Do you feel he wants out? I think breaks don't work, I think couples either talk the problems through and work through them if there's a way, and if there's not, then break up. Breaks are useless if the problems are still there after the break. If you had a break and either of you decided to make a permanent break at the end of it, at least you would know where you stood, if you stay together but one or both of you aren't happy then surely you're living a lie so to speak, too afraid to end it. You said; >My daughter's really close to him and he her, its just us not getting along< Just 'not getting along is a big thing,' if you're not getting along what keeps you together? You get on well most of the time you're together, but because you're apart most of the time is this enough? You need to get on well when you're apart as well. It does sound likely it's 'just' the distance causing problems and I hope you can work through it. Can you talk to each other really honestly about it? It's the only way you will know. Good luck and keep us posted
Els Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 when he was here he drank so much and went over board and started shouting and calling me names. Other than that our visit was wonderful, when we are together we never fight. When we're apart we fight all the time, when he's here he acts mature and responsible when he's away he act's like a teenager. OP, I'm sorry, but I don't see how him drinking to the point where he shouts and calls you names is responsible, mature, or wonderful. Alcohol addiction, possibly? What started that drinking of his when he was with you, and why didn't he stop when it was getting too much (presumably you tried to stop him)?
Author Omei Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 (edited) Yeah I agree he's not mature because of his actions. We talk calmly all the time, when a problem actually arises later we both can't seem to keep our cool with each other, (only with distance) the thought about talking about our feelings again makes me feel tired. Im really starting to feel like we're not on the same page anymore. Elswyth we got some booze because I wanted to show him I can party too and have him stop being so worried about missing all his spring break parties. I didn't stop him because I drank just as much as him and I still felt in control just fine, but I know im able to contain large amounts of alcohol and still not be wasted, I didn't realize how drunk he actually was, he fell asleep when I was asking him to move thats when things changed, and I realized. HeavenOrHell he says he's really stressed about school he did poorly on 2 tests and he takes a lot of pride in his school work...I don't see how drinking on school night is gonna fix any of that. Things with him are changing quickly, his choice's and attitude, hes on today and im not saying much. Edited March 24, 2011 by Omei
folieadeux Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Sorry to hear about this fallout after your visit Omei. I do think you two are in different spots in your life right now, but the way he treated you when drinking (or even if he was sober for that matter) isn't right. If he just started drinking so much out of the blue all of a sudden, perhaps there's something bigger going on here than you're equipped to help him with. I think you both would benefit from taking some time apart. The unfortunate part is if he really does have a real problem with alcohol, he has to be the one to admit it and get some help himself.
heartshaped Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Have the two of you discussed his sudden drinking and partying? I don't think anyone can or should try to control their partner, but drinking to the point of being drunk is a health risk and at least, if he's going to drink he should do so responsibly. It really does sound like there is some underlying reason behind this drinking as well. I'm not sure if it's stress, depression, etc, but drinking that much all of a sudden has to have some reason behind it. The same goes for the fighting between the two of you. If the two of you are fighting that much, there has to be one main underlying reason that's really bothering/upsetting the both of you and is causing all of these arguments. Maybe it's the distance, maybe it's his new behavior, maybe it's something else, but in order to stop the fighting you have to find out what you really are fighting about and deal with that issue. Whether the two of you should take a break or not I can't say. I personally don't do breaks. I always feel like either you are with someone or aren't, either we are going to work on our problems together or we aren't, but then, I am a very black and white person. You should do what you feel is right for you and what you need to do in order to make yourself happy.
Recommended Posts