jonesmith Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I have been dating a girl from Taiwan for six months. We are only together for the school year, since she has to go home during spring and summer breaks. We spend a lot of time together since we are in the same program. I have trouble with anxiety and depression, as well as jealousy. I really try to keep things in perspective. I believe in open communication with my partner. I would tell her anything. Since she speaks Chinese and I do not, I feel curious about what she writes to other people. It started on facebook: I noticed this one guy coming up all over the place, on pictures, on her wall, on her blog. I asked, and she said, that they were good friends, that he once had a crush on her but she wasn't interested, that she doesn't talk to him hardly ever (though recently I found they talk on a near-daily basis). I will ask who she's talking to online for three reasons: 1) because I can't read Chinese, otherwise I'd just look at the name, 2) because I'm genuinely curious about her friends and life, 3) yes, I admit because I'm worried about this weird relationship with this other guy. Prior to our last conversation, I felt like the answer was to just be transparent. I open myself to her, she opens herself to me, and jealous issues are fixed. However, she has communicated to me that she feels that my inquiries are "oppressive." She says that everyone needs privacy and secrets in order to retain their individuality within the relationship. She called my suggestion of transparency an absurd "rule." I do not understand why, if this person is such a good friend, I cannot know or ask about this person. Further, while I understand privacy issues (I'm not checking her phone or email, all of this stuff is readily available on the internet), I feel like with one's partner one should be more open and forthcoming, especially about information that makes the other feel insecure about the relationship. I suppose my questions, to whoever wants to attempt to tackle them, would go as such: What are healthy privacy boundaries? What steps could one with a history of jealous reactions (such as myself) work to move beyond them? Thank you.
Kelemort Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Oh boy do I ever have experience with this stuff and I can tell you it's a nightmare. My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years had dumped his one-year, long-distance ex two years before we started dating. For the first year of our relationship she was all he ever yammered about - talked of sending her gifts, tried to show me pictures of her, tried to show me her online profiles, just all kinds of stuff. It was all Kate all the time. I heard about their sex life, everything. And he never seemed to get the hint when I told him that enough was enough. We are STILL dealing with this issue to some extent. He also lied to me and told me they were out of contact -except he still had her phone number (He "didn't know how to delete it" and it "probably wasn't even her phone number anymore") and they still talked on Facebook because I would see comments back and forth between them periodically. He tried to pull the same stuff that your girlfriend now is doing. I'd suggest "Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures" for BOTH of you to read. A lot of people misleadingly brand jealousy an issue of low self-esteem or a trust concern on one end of the situation, but that's usually not true for the vast majority of people. Usually there is a triggering event (in this case, a guy with whom she has confessed there was once some kind of romantic interest, even if it wasn't hers; and instead of being honest with you, she has lied about her contact with him despite asserting that there's 'nothing there.' She's even telling you to butt out of asking anything about him). Maybe you are being obsessive asking about this guy, and that's why she's changing her tune and not wanting to talk about him anymore. But I suspect that may not necessarily be the case - she just knows the hot water's coming and she's about to get boiled. Some people have a greater predisposition toward jealousy than others. You and I both probably share many of those same jealous patterns in common. For me, I was finally able to start getting over my problem when my partner ADMITTED the many things he did wrong to provoke my jealousy (all the while insisting along the way I'd 'just be jealous about something else' and blaming me for the entire thing). We finally began to recover when he agreed to break contact with the ex he once insisted he didn't have contact with, and when he agreed to remove pictures of her from online profiles he knew I accessed. He claimed that the relationship wasn't important to him and that it didn't matter, yet he continued to drag his past and all of its mud through our present relationship. It sounds like your girlfriend is doing much the same with this guy. She refuses to tell you about the nature of the relationship and wants to keep it private from you. Is she so guarded of her privacy with other friends? I think that will be the telltale sign for you. If he's the only one she guards in that matter, I think you have your answer and I think you know that this isn't a one-sided attraction from the past. And if she isn't willing to compromise with you on that, it is time to set sail.
Author jonesmith Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 She tells me about her other best friends, but does not tell me about him. I don't think I would mind as much if it weren't such a weird ratio of how much information she gives me about him, and how much he appears in her inbox, msn, facebook, blog posts and youtube channel. I know I have a tendency to be jealous, but I feel like she's not helping if it's totally harmless. I will keep your advice in mind. Thank you for your honest and thoughtful feedback. I very much appreciate your time and this forum.
Kelemort Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Well, I'm glad that something positive has come of my failing relationship, haha. Seriously, get that book. It's the best, most helpful resource I've found to-date on romantic jealousy and how to start moving beyond it. There's nothing wrong with feeling insecure about this, especially with what she's doing. I'm not a fan of ultimatums, but I am a fan of defining what is acceptable to you and what is not. My significant other was still on his kick that the jealousy was all my fault. He changed his tune really quickly when, after many fights about it, I showed up at his door with everything of his I had and set it down. I told him what I would accept and what I wouldn't. Well, I should say he pretended to meet my demands, as I soon discovered he hadn't, and like a fool I stayed. BUT YOU SHOULD TOTALLY NOT do that last part. If she isn't willing to meet your (reasonable) demands, leave. I don't think it's out of the question to ask that she be more open with you about this guy and reassure you of her intentions/her feelings for you. I also don't think it's out of bounds to say, "Since you are hiding this from me and acting suspicious, I have reason to believe there may be something more going on, and I would appreciate it if you didn't speak to this guy anymore." Of course, you can't control her - but again you can choose what you will or will not tolerate.
Recommended Posts