Kelemort Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 We've been dating for about 2 1/2 years but have known each other for 4 years. By the time we started dating, his one year, long distance relationship with his ex-girlfriend had been bust for nearly 2 years. We had many issues dealing with that, as for the first year of our relationship he continually brought her up/lied to me about his contact with her/tried to show me pictures of her/talked about sending her gifts/felt it necessary to tell me all about their sex life together/chimed in about how she introduced him to every book he'd ever read, every movie he'd seen, etc. It got to be tiring and we still struggle with this issue, although I have mostly managed to cope with my jealousy and move on now that he has finally agreed to STOP many of the behaviors that triggered my jealousy. When we first started dating, I was a virgin. About a year into the relationship, we started to have sex. However, given his focus on his ex, it struck my stupid self that sleeping with this guy probably wasn't the wisest thing to do if I wanted to protect my heart. So, we stopped for a few months. Meanwhile, we started to work things out. ...then suddenly he was worried about pregnancy. We have always used condoms and spermicide, and sometimes the family awareness method. Yet for some God unknown reason, sex has always been a once or twice a month affair at best. If I ask, I never get it. For a year I didn't ask. I told him from the start that I was going to stop asking since it got me no where, except him getting angrier at me and more frustrated and resentful. He insists he's happy in the relationship, that he loves me, that he is attracted to me; I know for a fact that he's not gay and that he's not having an affair with somebody else. It's currently been two weeks. Still no where. I started birth control last week, so we are now firmly using 3 - 4 prevention methods consistently. if it really IS a pregnancy paranoia, there's not much more I can do short of ripping out my uterus for him. Otherwise, I'm relatively happy with our relationship. We don't really fight much. What's the deal? It has ALWAYS Been this way. He insists he's just getting "old" - but I'm 23 and he's 27. Frankly, I think it's a load. He claims in his early 20s he could go like crazy. His ex-girlfriend was lucky to have been with him at a time when he couldn't be stopped. And that's the thing that gets me - he has insisted over and over again she wasn't that attractive, and she was far heavier than I am (I'm heavy myself). I've seen pictures of the girl and she ain't too attractive. Lucky woman, though. My boyfriend works at a relatively easy-going job full-time. He's happy there. He does have a few events throughout the week - a computer event he goes to on Wednesday nights. On rotating weeks, he is busy either Thursday or Friday. But other than that, frankly his schedule is wide open. Instead of spending our free time together at all in the sack, he's content just to watch T.V. shows. Even when I go into the bedroom and use sex toys on myself - sometimes he'll come into the room - he acts uninterested. He'll attempt to participate but it's always obvious he's just in the room because he feels guilty, like I'll be upset if he walks out while I'm masturbating. He's said as much. I think he's addicted to the Internet. When I visit, he hops onto the computer whenever he has a chance. He's online all day at work. When he gets home, it's an hour or two of surfing even if he's invited me over. I feel like if I move in with this guy, our entire relationship is going to be based around his Internet schedule. It makes me absolutely livid that he can't spend ANY time with me without getting on his computer. Would it kill a person to go offline for a few hours to see his girlfriend? I am at a loss here. Birth control isn't cheap. I feel like I'm throwing money down the drain for a sex life that is basically dead and I really don't want to do it anymore. I'm tired of begging for sex and affection only to be met with his ire and irritation. How the heck do I even begin to approach this? We've discussed it over and over again. When I was starting birth control, I asked him outright if this would help ease his mind and if it would increase our frequency. He just got irritated and snapped, "I don't know." Lovely...just lovely...this makes me feel so hideous.
Intricategirl Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 DTMFA. And just to hit the 10 character limit- DTMFA.
veggirl Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I'm also wondering why you are even with this guy? It doesn't sound like your relationship was ever what you want it to be. You are clearly not sexually compatible and the whole thing with the ex--just WOW.
heartshaped Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 And you're with him because? This is what was running through my mind. The reason behind why he won't have sex with you isn't important. Personally, I don't think he's worried about pregnancy or that he's "getting old at 27". I think it's that he's probably still hung up on his ex and feels like sleeping with you is cheating on her. At the very least, he has feelings for this woman and he won't have sex with you so I don't know where you think this relationship is going. Get out now before you wind up married to this guy.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Hes not interested in you Kele. He made it clear, but he stays with you because you let him. If he can walk in on you while youre using a vibrator and not even have a reaction, or jump in, there is nothing about you that gets him excited anymore. You might have contributed to this by cutting him off from sex to save your heart. Now hes cut you off emotionally, and youre feeling the kickback. There is nothing you can do to make him interested in you short of leaving him. if youre always there, he has no reason to miss you. You might want to start detaching yourself from this one.
ChessPieceFace Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Most people are "addicted" to the internet nowadays. It's hard to say what is really "addicted" and what is the usual. I would try to talk to him about the concerns you've raised here in a rational way. You did say he acted annoyed at you "begging him for sex" so that's not a good sign though. I agree with the above posters that he MAY not be interested in you. As a fellow overweight person, I would say -- start hitting a gym and lose some weight? Not so much for him as for yourself. Whether you plan to stay with him or whether you end up giving up and hitting the dating scene, either way you'll be better off in a more attractive body. It seems like you've made yourself incredibly sexually available and maybe he's seeing it as a chore rather than something to be appreciated. I get the feeling he is the type that wants what he can't have. I would probably give him some time alone for a while and do the gym thing I mentioned. Not necessarily break up (up to you, sounds like you don't want to) but just work on yourself and let him realize what he's missing.
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 It never ceases to amaze me how people stay in a relationship like this for 2.5 years. I would probably bring things to a head within the first 2.5 months or 2.5 weeks
Author Kelemort Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 (edited) I know that you're all right to some extent. I was willing to let what happened with the ex go so long as we could start to move forward with the rest of our relationship, but nothing ever happens. He's jabbered about me moving in with him for months, yet he's so far not gone to his apartment to ask about it or to add me to his lease. He -does- have a reaction during my self-imposed playtime, yet he fails to see it's so far a futile attempt to draw him into sex play. He wants oral sex most of the time, and if I don't provide that, everything else is dead. He's apologized in the past for 'neglecting' me and not giving me oral/touching me. Until a month or two ago, he had a one or two week spurt where he was being more generous about that stuff, but yet again it has stopped dead. To be honest with you I don't know why I've stayed during some of these worst parts. I did see the good sides of him - but they have gradually withered away more and more and I feel resentment and anger in me brewing. Looking back, I should have left at some point, any point during that first year. I should have left when he tried to defend how he treated me and how he clung to his past so. I know it does no good to look back into the past and to want to leave...when I can still take action now. You're right - before I marry him. Because I only see myself in 10 years in a sexless or mostly sexless relationship. I know that I deserve better - I know that I deserve to be loved. I'm tired of asking 'why.' Thank you for your help. While it's great you're able to get that taken care of in the first few months, I was in no rush to have sex when we first started dating. Although you're right - the months ensuing the next year and a half or so should have tipped me off. In any case, I'm waking now. As for the ex thing? Just stupidity, I guess. We were friends prior and I just assumed I was being too upset. The severity escalated over the next year, so it wasn't until toward the end of that first year that I first fully realized what was happening. Edited March 24, 2011 by Kelemort
mortensorchid Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 If it wasn't such a long story, I would have accused you of making this up. I wonder why you are with this guy at all. You stand to meet a person with less issues in a prison pen pal program or bus terminals.
mizliz Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I know that you're all right to some extent. I was willing to let what happened with the ex go so long as we could start to move forward with the rest of our relationship, but nothing ever happens. He's jabbered about me moving in with him for months, yet he's so far not gone to his apartment to ask about it or to add me to his lease. He -does- have a reaction during my self-imposed playtime, yet he fails to see it's so far a futile attempt to draw him into sex play. He wants oral sex most of the time, and if I don't provide that, everything else is dead. He's apologized in the past for 'neglecting' me and not giving me oral/touching me. Until a month or two ago, he had a one or two week spurt where he was being more generous about that stuff, but yet again it has stopped dead. To be honest with you I don't know why I've stayed during some of these worst parts. I did see the good sides of him - but they have gradually withered away more and more and I feel resentment and anger in me brewing. Looking back, I should have left at some point, any point during that first year. I should have left when he tried to defend how he treated me and how he clung to his past so. I know it does no good to look back into the past and to want to leave...when I can still take action now. You're right - before I marry him. Because I only see myself in 10 years in a sexless or mostly sexless relationship. I know that I deserve better - I know that I deserve to be loved. I'm tired of asking 'why.' Thank you for your help. While it's great you're able to get that taken care of in the first few months, I was in no rush to have sex when we first started dating. Although you're right - the months ensuing the next year and a half or so should have tipped me off. In any case, I'm waking now. As for the ex thing? Just stupidity, I guess. We were friends prior and I just assumed I was being too upset. The severity escalated over the next year, so it wasn't until toward the end of that first year that I first fully realized what was happening. Ok, so you two are NOT sexually compatible. Do not get married. Say enough.
Intricategirl Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Look, I did marry mine. I know why I did, and talk about it with my therapist regularly. So I know exactly what I'm talking about. Holy god, you do not want to walk down this road!
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