fbellis Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Long and complicated story, but the jist is I have been getting in trouble with the same man for a couple years now. It started two years ago when we met traveling. We hit it off and became close. We had both just gone through terrible breakups and were not looking for anything serious. Short story being after 7months he decided to get back with his ex and i was a little heart broken. We still talked and tried to meet and stay friends, but we ended up hooking up every time we got together. I have a very strong attraction towards him. Finally I decided to smarten up and stop talking to him all together. A week after we stopped talking I found out I was pregnant. I was destroyed. I was just accepted to grad school, and had made plans to move several hundred miles away and I had been on the pill, so all and all it was just not expected. I called to tell him I was pregnant and he said he was getting engaged and the only support he would be able to offer was to pay for an abortion. After a couple days of complete freaking out and breaking the news to my disappointed family I decided to keep the baby. I told the baby daddy I would not force him to be a dad, I would just notify him after the baby was born because I wanted him to sign documents giving up all rights to the child. 8 months and a very complicated pregnancy that almost killed me I had a beautiful little baby. I notified the father as I stated and started gathering all forms and things that needed to be filed. I never intended on seeing him again, i figured i would mail forms and they would be sent back and it would be this easy thing. Not so much. The babys father wanted to meet to discuss the papers and how to fill them out (he was still engaged). I agreed. Seeing him was so hard, but I stayed impressively calm. He on the other hand said he was having second thoughts and wanted to be there for the baby. Then he would call and say no, then we would meet and he did want to be around, then he didnt. He broke the news to the finace about the baby and she said sign away your rights or we are done. He moved out and into a hotel down the street from me. After a few weeks we started hooking up agian. I fell in love with him again and he said the same. We started fighting over what i thought was a drinking problem, but he denied. We fought constantly over how he treated me and him still visiting his ex. He ended up getting put in the hospital to undergo detox and therapy for a couple weeks. He came out and said he wanted us to work and would give it all he had. I have to put in this that he is good with the baby, hsi son loves him. But his son is almost a year old not and I wont let his dad take him without supervision because off all these issues, i dont trust him yet. I gave him another chance, but i was just uneasy. The ex fiance has been an issue for me as well as arguments. We fight evert 2 weeks over nothing. Stupid things get turned into huge arguments where we breakup, say hurtful things, and then he goes to visit his ex and stops answering his phone and wont see me or his son for 3 or 4 days. Last week this happened and I really had enough. We had plans to move in together in a couple weeks and i said no and told him I am done this cycle of constantly getting hurt. I dont think its healthy for me, and eventualy it could hurt the baby. We argued the next couple days. He told me he is on match.com looking to meet people and he didnt want me to be part of his life. Yesterday he came to visit his son and told me about this "life changing epiphany" he had. He told me he realized why i have been so angry about him seeing his ex and why i cant completely trust him. He said he wouldnt see her any more. He also said that he realized that he has been scared to move on because he felt like he gave up his life (meaning his ex, they were together for 14 years). then he went on to say that he cant believe he has been so blind becasue although she was amazing, he has something more amazing now righ in front of him: the chance for a family. He was in tears and told me he loved me and wants to try again. my issue with this all is that i do actually love him and find it very hard to not be around him. However, history showed i am going to get the **** end of the stick again. I would like to be optomistic here, but i think i may just be kidding myself. Opinions??
Rose T Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Hi fbellis, Thanks for sharing your story on LS and I'm sorry it's been such a rollercoaster for you over the last couple of years - none of that can have been easy, especially with your babydaddy going back and forth between you and his ex. I can imagine you were both pleased and wary when he said that he wanted to be with you and have a family after all this time. It looks like he has become used to getting his own way, vanishing when he feels like it. He'll need to behave much better to deserve being in your life, and that of your son's. You know, I can understand you wanting him to be around for your son and that becoming a family unit would seem like a happy ending. But you know that he's not so reliable / mature and I'd hate to see you keep getting hurt in this endless cycle. For him, words come easy, but actions are hard. Well, it's actions you need. If you let him back in, he needs to start behaving consistently well towards you. You might want to set a time limit on this. If he can't stick around and be a good dad to your baby for say, the next six months, if he comes and goes, maybe it's time for you to end the relationship and give yourself the chance to meet someone new and wonderful who will treat you right. This has all been going on for so long now and while he should always have access to your son, you don't need to have him as a life partner if he's not good enough for you. You deserve the best and you have lots of love and kindness to offer to the right man. Your baby daddy is on his last chance and perhaps you need to communicate this right now. Either he shapes up, or steps aside so you can open your heart to new love.
DollyGirl12 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Yes, this becomes a viscous cycle, over and over, leaving and coming back. A child is involved and that makes it so much harder. If you do allow him back (I know you are thinking of the baby here), I would tell him that if he ever leaves again, he will never be allowed to come back, in your life, in a relationship manner. And you have to mean that, and stick to it. You will have to deal with him being the baby's father. What he is doing to you, he is also doing to the other woman. Seems like he is use to having a place to run back to.
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