Spark1111 Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 BL, I am confused how this post relates to you, your situation and why the need to post it now anyway. Some MM do leave. Some do not. Some sleep with their wives throughout the affair. Some do not. Every possibility remains a possibility during an affair, because only one person has all the info: the MAP. I think you received some heartfelt advice here in addition to whatever may have caused you anguish. Everyone does. I am sorry for what? He wasn't a better man? He did not meet your expectations, once he did divorce his wife? He and she are still stuck in some sort of sick co-dependency? Did not some posters try to warn you of that? What exactly should LS's apologize to you for? A lack of support? How? What would have made this all better for you? And why are you still somewhat angry about it?
worlybear Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 If they are in a monogamous relationship that suggests the world is not being 'protected' from two cheaters. There simply exists two people who cheated once and may have circumstances that led to that and may never cheat again for the rest of their lives. Maybe they were just meant to be together So the previous years when he was married- were a mistake? Give me a break! An affair is the result of 2 people acting selfishly. If the marriage is over, why not divorce and be single and then embark on a new relationship.... Silly me, I was attributing a conscience to the cheaters.
greengoddess Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I'm intrigued. How did reading here that married men rarely/never leave their wives for the OW, force you to stay in the A longer than you would have had you never read this "myth"? I would think that seeing all the negative comments on this board about being involved in an affair would cause an easily swayed reader to want to end the affair, not stay in it. How do suppose it is that you interpeted the same comments in such a way as to cause you to remain in the A? I'm seriously interested in hearing your thoughts on this. me tooooo. I actually wonder if she is angry because she stayed with him figuring he would never leave his wife and they could happily live in affairyland. She stayed with him but he DID leave his wife and she was stuck with a toad not her affair prince.
AuthenticBliss Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 (edited) I think my anger is really attributable to the fact that I allowed myself to internalize and believe some if the things "tough love" posters insisted "must" be true in my case. And so many of the things people said to me made me hate myself even more than i already did. It created a lot of unneccessary agony for me and it really wasn't true. Hi Brokenlady, I don't know your story, and it looks like you've received a fair amount of hand-slapping on your thread. I'm reading some real anger coming from you, and you may be receiving some in return. I really don't care to participate in that, but I wanted to comment upon this quote please. You said you allowed yourself to internalize, so how is that the fault of anyone here? You made that choice, no one else did. If anonymous people on a forum can affect you so, it seems as if you might have a boundary problem that you need to explore. I write this not to hurt you, but to try to help. I read some of your other comments, and your anger is palpable. Not only at this board, but at yourself too. I am concerned that your unresolved anger may bleed into your relationship with your new guy, and that would be a shame. Please think about the boundary issue and get help if you need it. Please take care. Edited March 26, 2011 by AuthenticBliss added a comment
WorldIsYours Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Donna, plenty of posts allude to the Never not the Rarely. There's also the MM who leave for their OW but no one (not even the BS) is aware. They just begin 'dating' whilst separated. It's not dating.
Woman In Blue Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Not at all NID. He's a douche because he voted to end bargaining rights for public employees in Wisconsin. Good. I hope more states follow his example. My point with the original post is because I am soooo tired of every bs on ls pounding ow posters with this idea that mm never leave. Well, I'm not a betrayed spouse and I RARELY see these liars man up and put their money where their mouths are and LEAVE. I have a male friend whose cheated the entire length of his marriage - 20 years. I love him to death but I've often wondered why he didn't just freakin LEAVE instead of putting his wife through this crap year after year, and constantly lying, denying, and gaslighting every single time she found some evidence of his catting around. She finally had had enough and told him their sham of a marriage had to come to an end. Even though he'd spent 20 years crying and moaning about how he was in 'prison' and wished he wasn't married to her, when she HANDED him his 'out' on a silver platter, he begged and pleaded with her for them to KEEP the marriage. Here he was given what he'd dreamed about for all those years - and the dumbass didn't take it and run, but instead begged to keep the status quo. I'll never understand that logic if I live to be 140 years old. I think men leaving are the exception to the rule.
Woman In Blue Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 If they are in a monogamous relationship that suggests the world is not being 'protected' from two cheaters. There simply exists two people who cheated once and may have circumstances that led to that and may never cheat again for the rest of their lives. Maybe they were just meant to be together I think that is ALSO the exception to the rule. Go read the infidelity boards (not necessarily the ones here on LS) and see just how many BW's have MULTIPLE D-Days with their sack of sh*it husbands - and it's with multiple OW over the years. And while you're at it, go look as some of the "end of the affair" boards by OW who have come to find out they were only one in a list of MANY with their xMMs. They, too, would have sworn they were his 'soulmate' and the ONE meant to be with him. Please. I don't think it's THAT far of a stretch for us to believe that a man whose made a career out of lying to his wife and family every day can certainly lie to his OW and claim she's his 'first' affair. LOL...not bloody likely. I think it's the height of naivete to assume a cheating married man doesn't lie to his OW. JMHO, of course...
OWoman Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 So the previous years when he was married- were a mistake? In some cases, yes.
OWoman Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 I don't think it's THAT far of a stretch for us to believe that a man whose made a career out of lying to his wife and family every day can certainly lie to his OW and claim she's his 'first' affair. LOL...not bloody likely. No doubt there are some MMs who match the bolded description, but very many don't. Many MMs spend decades of faithful monogamy, upholding their obligations and never acting on that quiet desperation gnawing away at their insides until, one day, something happens and they fall in love, act out of character by having an A and taking time to extricate themselves from their Ms in a way they hope will be least painful for their BSs and their kids - a "managed exit". Few MMs are serial or long-term cheaters, and even those at some stage were first timers who would be quite honest in telling their OW she was his first. After all, every WS must have a first AP - though only a few of those go on to repeat-offend. So I'd guess that the proportion of 1st OWs to subsequent OWs must swing dramatically toward the former.
Silly_Girl Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 It's not dating. Subjective viewpoint, not a fact.
Silly_Girl Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 So the previous years when he was married- were a mistake? Give me a break! An affair is the result of 2 people acting selfishly. If the marriage is over, why not divorce and be single and then embark on a new relationship.... Silly me, I was attributing a conscience to the cheaters. Definitely a mistake. As for what SHOULD happen... that's not reality though is it?...
NoIDidn't Posted March 26, 2011 Posted March 26, 2011 Hi Brokenlady, I don't know your story, and it looks like you've received a fair amount of hand-slapping on your thread. I'm reading some real anger coming from you, and you may be receiving some in return. I really don't care to participate in that, but I wanted to comment upon this quote please. You said you allowed yourself to internalize, so how is that the fault of anyone here? You made that choice, no one else did. If anonymous people on a forum can affect you so, it seems as if you might have a boundary problem that you need to explore. I write this not to hurt you, but to try to help. I read some of your other comments, and your anger is palpable. Not only at this board, but at yourself too. I am concerned that your unresolved anger may bleed into your relationship with your new guy, and that would be a shame. Please think about the boundary issue and get help if you need it. Please take care. Good post! I would suggest looking into the anger issue and the boundary issue as well. Blame-shifting isn't a pretty sight, regardless of who does it. No one here forced the OP to continue in a situation where she knew she was being mistreated just to "show" others that she would "win". I'm sorry that the guy turned out to be a real snake, and that the exW spread rumors about the OP, but that's the risk you take when you elect to invade someone else's marriage. And that's all others were warning about. Everyone that can't take the heat, should always get out of the kitchen.
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