SadDazedConfused Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 When my husband and I were married for a little over a year, I became very unhappy and depressed with where my life was at the time. I had moved away from my hometown, and in turn had moved away from my family and friends. I hated my job, and I basically felt lost. I started going back home every weekend and hanging out with my old friends. My husband knew I was sad and depressed, and he tried to make me happy. We would come home from work, and he'd want to spend time with me, and I'd just want to be by myself. I eventually went to counseling to deal with my sadness and depression, and while there, told the counselor my feelings and that honestly I blamed a lot of what was happening to me on my husband, and that I was contemplating a divorce. She then suggested that we go to marriage counseling to try to work out the issues, and that I continue to see her to work on my own issues. My husband was shocked to hear that I felt like there were issues with our marriage, but agreed to go and was very willing to work on whatever our problems were. We went to a few sessions, but I wasn't ready to share my true feelings with the counselor or my husband. During this time, I was still going home pretty much every weekend, and I ended up having sex with a guy I went to high school with. I felt awful about it after it happened, but never told anyone. We continued counseling, but my belief that a divorce would make me happier continued. It finally came out between my husband and I, that I wanted a divorce. He was devastated. He had no idea that I was that unhappy or that I would consider leaving him. He begged me to continue counseling and I agreed, but my heart wasn't in it to be honest. We did more counseling sessions, and supposedly things were improving. We worked on our communication, we worked on spending more time together in our free time, and we worked on me initiating sex with him. I continued going back home on the weekends, and ended up seeing a guy that was a few years younger than me at a party. We talked and flirted and one thing led to another and we were making out. I stopped him before it went any further. The following weekend, I saw him again, and again we flirted and made out. I finally stopped him and told him I wasn't going to cheat on my husband (he knew I was married the whole time). The next day, I felt like there was no saving my marriage or me. I was ashamed at what I did and had done, but my way of dealing with it was to push my husband away even further. I told him that I regretted marrying him, and that I never did desire him or find him attractive. He was really hurt and he cried and said he couldn't believe I would ever say that. I still didn't leave him at that point though. At this point, he apparently became suspicious of what I was doing every weekend at home, and began to read my email. He eventually found out that I was going up there the following weekend to see the guy I had been making out with, and he confronted me on it. I lied and told him that we had been hanging out, but nothing had ever happened physically. I promised to never see him again. I think this incident really made me realize that I didn't really want to leave my husband. He loved me and would do anything to make our marriage work. We continued counseling, and eventually worked out our issues. I have never told him the truth about either of the men that I was with. We now have two children who are 8 and 6. I fear that if I tell him now what I did back then, that he will want to leave me. That I should have told him the truth back then, before we got this far with our lives. I knew if I told him then, that he would divorce me. I didn't want to hurt him and I didn't want him to divorce me, so I kept it hidden all these years. I really don't know what I should do.
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Confused, no need to post your story again, it's in separation/divorce and in the infidelity section too. Look for replies on those other threads, k. Welcome to LS, I will go reply on another thread so you don't have three going all at once.
bentnotbroken Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Same response to your first thread; So you feel like you deceived him into staying with you in the beginning? You feel as though he would leave because you built a life on lies? You know you were/are wrong. What do you expect the people here to say? Are you okay with looking at your husband daily and lying to him? Are you okay with knowing that he has no choice in this life you have chosen for him? Are you okay giving him half a wife? Just because that life is okay for you to live, why do you think it is okay for him to live?
Author SadDazedConfused Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 Sorry, I was told this was a more appropriate and possibly less harsh place to put my post.
IfiKnewThen Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 after all these years and having 2 precious kids, i don't see the point in it. you seem to have gotten over your hurdles. if you're both healthy, then thank God and move forward and don't look back and don't repeat that kind of history ever again. perhaps talk to a parish elder or priest and pray on it when you feel bad. but at this point in time, i would say move forward.
carrie999 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I didn't see this post on the other boards, and I do agree that this board is for the most part more supportive because there are more OM/OW here than on other boards. Tangentially, I think there should the infidelity board should be split into two: those cheating or considering it, and those who are betrayed spouses. While there is overlap between any board that deals with infidelity and the "three" sides involved, and everyone is welcome to post on each one, I think that there should be one specific board where betrayed spouses can vent AND not be further incited to anger by reading about those who are betraying their spouses. Since there are three separate perspectives and unique positions in affairs, they should be treated as such. (Though there are those who are cheating AND are also OM/OW, or BS turned WS, etc...hence the overlap) Back to your question: you are feeling guilty because you recognized that you were unhappy for reasons outside your marriage, cheated, lied to your husband when specifically asked about cheating, and now want to make it work. My thoughts? I couldn't continue working on a marriage knowing that I cheated and lied about it. Cheating is bad enough...arguably it's something that a marriage can survive when it's a lie by omission, meaning that it happened, the WS chose to end it and never do it again, and the BS never suspected enough to ask. I wouldn't be comfortable moving forward without admitting to my past, but I might be able to convince myself that what they never knew wouldn't hurt them. This is a hypothetical...really, it's still lying. I work in healthcare, and I've had patients who were married (mostly happily) for 60 years and admitted infidelity to me that happened 40+ years ago...some confessed, some never did, and ultimately they grew old together quite happily. Not forming an opinion there...just stating what I've heard. But he did become suspicious, and asked about that specific situation, and you lied about it outright. You're asking for opinions and thoughts, and if it was me, I couldn't continue working on a marriage in which I was dishonest about something so major. I'd have to tell him that if we were to move forward, he needs to love me and accept me despite the mistakes I've made, because I couldn't even trust myself fully until I knew he really deserved my trust...which I'd only earn by admitting to lying, dealing with the repercussions, and moving on together. Marriage is about trust and partnership first and foremost. Cheating is a betrayal of that trust, but hiding it and sticking to that lie is one that seems insurmountable to me. Up to you, but I'd be honest with him if you truly love him and want this to work. If you can be okay with putting this in the past without including him, that's your decision. Best wishes to you.
East7 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 At this point, he apparently became suspicious of what I was doing every weekend at home, and began to read my email. He eventually found out that I was going up there the following weekend to see the guy I had been making out with, and he confronted me on it. I lied and told him that we had been hanging out, but nothing had ever happened physically. I promised to never see him again. I think this incident really made me realize that I didn't really want to leave my husband. He loved me and would do anything to make our marriage work. I didn't want to hurt him and I didn't want him to divorce me, so I kept it hidden all these years. I really don't know what I should do. It is funny how married women suddenly want to stay when they are caught, and they suddenly "realize" they don't want to leave they H. So typical SDC, all over your post you say how much you can't stand your hubby, you do everything not to stay around him and look for fun elsewhere, why so suddenly you change your mind ? Because now you are afraid he will kick you to the curb ? What did you expect after playing with other guys ? The question is not should you tell him or not, but rather do you want to work on your marriage or not ? Once you have clearly answered to this question you can start to work on it.
Happy Finally Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 SDC, My wife was put in the same situation as you were by your husband (the only difference is that we were married 8 years when I moved her away 3 years ago). She also has done the exact same thing as you. She routinely went/goes home, she hooked up with an old fling, screwed him and then came home to tell me about it (unlike you she confessed). That was a year ago. She continues to travel home. She is still doing the same thing...and she says nothing else is going on (I don't believe her). We decided a year ago to work on our marriage and continue to tell ourselves lets work on it...let's work on it. Although she waffles back and forth. Fast forward a year to today. Not in a million years did I ever think I would cheat on my wife or have an A (I didn't after the 1st two times she cheated). I am involved in one now though. The ironic part is that I am the one, despite the fact she cheated (I have forgiven her twice before) I was the one making the sacrifices to make the marriage work. I gave it my all. And after a year and no change from her...another woman caught my attention and gave me the things my wife didn't. I am only telling you this because you are headed down the same road. My wife said the same thing after she cheated. She realized she didn't want to lose me...but yet continued doing the same crap because she was still homesick, sad, whatever you call it. You say you don't want to lose your husband but do you really don't want to lose him? Are you still doing the same things? If you really don't want to lose him then tell him the truth, he knows anyway. Also if you are still doing the same stuff...you really don't care about losing him...you care about losing the security, the feeling of how he will do whatever it takes to make you happy. You know the guys you see at home only want in your pants but your husband gives you the other side. I am both the BS now turned WS and can offer the view from both sides, especially since my situation is the exact same thing. Be truthful with your self and then be truthful with your husband. Unlike me you don't have any children. So with that said...if it's only for security...let him go, don't put him through this again...because you will. If you do want to work on it then you need to change......not changing will not fix it..ask my wife.
IfiKnewThen Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 i believe it may be real possible to turn your life around and LEARN to love your hubby and it sounds like you have. there may not be fireworks all over the place but something deeper. i dont know youre story "now" with him. but it does sound like you have had children since those aweful days between you. and you sound like you feel remorseful and guilty and have it on your mind. my answer stands as before. he suspected it. let it go and try to be happy and give back to him in other ways now. is he happy now? are you? are your children? dont knwo the current circumstances.
bentnotbroken Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 SDC, My wife was put in the same situation as you were by your husband (the only difference is that we were married 8 years when I moved her away 3 years ago). She also has done the exact same thing as you. She routinely went/goes home, she hooked up with an old fling, screwed him and then came home to tell me about it (unlike you she confessed). That was a year ago. She continues to travel home. She is still doing the same thing...and she says nothing else is going on (I don't believe her). We decided a year ago to work on our marriage and continue to tell ourselves lets work on it...let's work on it. Although she waffles back and forth. Fast forward a year to today. Not in a million years did I ever think I would cheat on my wife or have an A (I didn't after the 1st two times she cheated). I am involved in one now though. The ironic part is that I am the one, despite the fact she cheated (I have forgiven her twice before) I was the one making the sacrifices to make the marriage work. I gave it my all. And after a year and no change from her...another woman caught my attention and gave me the things my wife didn't. I am only telling you this because you are headed down the same road. My wife said the same thing after she cheated. She realized she didn't want to lose me...but yet continued doing the same crap because she was still homesick, sad, whatever you call it. You say you don't want to lose your husband but do you really don't want to lose him? Are you still doing the same things? If you really don't want to lose him then tell him the truth, he knows anyway. Also if you are still doing the same stuff...you really don't care about losing him...you care about losing the security, the feeling of how he will do whatever it takes to make you happy. You know the guys you see at home only want in your pants but your husband gives you the other side. I am both the BS now turned WS and can offer the view from both sides, especially since my situation is the exact same thing. Be truthful with your self and then be truthful with your husband. Unlike me you don't have any children. So with that said...if it's only for security...let him go, don't put him through this again...because you will. If you do want to work on it then you need to change......not changing will not fix it..ask my wife. They do have children.
Happy Finally Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 They do have children. Did I miss that? Or is it in the other threads?
Flabbergaster Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 are you happy now? if yes...then for god sakes don't tell him everything! Women think "we should be perfectly honest if we love each other." You might be thinking, "if he cheated i want to know, so i can forgive him, because we are past those problems." Most men will respond to the truth with, "wait...you put another man's d***...WHERE? get out, you filthy sl**." You're going against evolution, here. Men are wired to think of wife's sex as their property. I would do this... -get individual counseling to help you forgive yourself, and make it up to him by learning how to actively avoid cheating again -you could tell him about the guy you didn't sleep with...that you messed around a little but you said 'no cheating.' that you're glad you didn't. Problem is...he'll still get territorial and probably start asking, "so did you f*** anyone ELSE, if you didn't f*** him???" my advice as a man: let sleeping dogs lie. own this guilt, use it to get therapy and learn to never cheat on him again. and then forgive yourself for mistakes. Don't tell him, unless you want to lose him. Just make sure you're truthful with yourself...the price for keeping this silent is that you WILL not do it again, you will learn why you did and how to avoid it from a therapist. If you're going to do this again...well then it's time to tell him and see where the chips land.
missmac Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 I told him that I regretted marrying him, and that I never did desire him or find him attractive. He was really hurt and he cried and said he couldn't believe I would ever say that. I still didn't leave him at that point though. If that is how you really feel, then why did you marry him? That is the cruelest thing you could possibly do to someone. What if things were the other way around, and someone admitted to you that they weren't with you because they were attracted to you, or desired you, and it was mainly just for convenience and to not have to be alone? Would you want to hear that you are just "filler" to someone? Of course he would cry! Who wouldn't?! and what do you mean YOU still didn't leave him? I am shocked that he didn't tell you to go f*ck yourself and throw all your stuff out on the front lawn then change the locks. He is too nice to still have you around, and you should move on as soon as you can because your continued presence is probably just rubbing salt in the wound. Man-up already - youve told him how you feel , so quit lingering if you are that dissatisfied.
whichwayisup Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Go read her other thread in infidelity, it's up to date. She confessed to her husband, and he actually told her 5 years ago he too, cheated, with two different women. So, they both have cheated on eachother...12 years ago and him 5 years ago. Seems though she has bigger balls than him, she confessed, wanted to work things out and now he is upset that she cheated, making her feel bad, meanwhile he cheated too! Two wrongs do not make a right -- Yet he is putting alot of this on her, he's just as guilty.
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