sedona Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 About a month ago, my BF told me that he has a problem with our relationship. He feels there is some sort of "block" and he just can't commit to me in the way that I can to him. Apparently he started feeling that something was wrong about a year ago, thought it would go away and then finally told me when the feeling didn't disappear. Since he told me, he's been looking for professional help to help him figure things out (his suggestion, although I agree). I feel devastated. I really had no clue and thought that I had finally found Mr. Right. I feel that he needs to figure this out on his own. I will help if I can (couple therapy, whatever), but until he learns more about himself, there's nothing I can do. I am, however, impatient, and want him to figure it out. I am also concerned about my own peace of mind. Details: We've been together for 3 years. We don't live together, but spend our nights together at his home or mine. He is 57, I am 44. I have two children at home, whereas his are grown. We both work a lot - him more than me. We love each other. We also like each other and get along well. There are no practical problems or habits that are impossible to live with. There is no other woman in the picture. I believe that a couple should work out their problems together, but I truly believe that the problem - whatever it is- is his alone and that he needs to work it out, with professional help. And I think that I could use some alone-time at the moment, even though I would miss him terribly. I know that lots of people think that a break is just a first step towards breaking up, but can a break EVER work to help get over a difficult point?
Beeotch Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 A break and breaking up are one and the same... I think the illusion is that a break is less final while breaking up is more final. But the truth is that either can be be final and either can also not be final. I think the overarching point is that things work out as they should, and if it is meant to be then even if you break or break up, the hurdles will be overcome and you will reunite...likewise if it is not meant to be, then regardless of if you call it a break, break up or even stay together for a while after things feel wrong...it will still eventually dissolve. It is never easy to let go and our instinct is to always grab on for dear life...but with time we do begin to realize if it is worth even holding on to or are our hands being emptied for something better. Usually it is the latter.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 He wont tell you this because he knows it will hurt you, but im guessing that block of his is just his attraction to you being gone. He might have not been fully attracted to you from the beginning, but he wanted to. After three years, he now realizes that he might never be able to be in love with you like you are him. Its not your fault, if this is the case, he stayed with you when he shouldnt have, knowing he wasnt able go in 100%. But he might have been hedging his bets, since its difficult to date at 57 (or 54 when you met.)
Author sedona Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 Thank you both for your replies. To Beeotch: you're right about my instinct, but I know that holding on for dear life would only have the opposite effect. Que sera sera, as Doris Day would sing. And EE, I think he's being honest when he says that he loves me & is attracted to me. He also doesn't need to hedge his bets because women find him very attractive and he wouldn't have problems finding someone else. But yes, maybe something in him is telling him I'm wrong for him. Guess it's better now than after we're married. But really?!? Does everyone think that a break and a break-up are the same?
takemedrunkimhome Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I think breaks and break ups are the same. my most recent relationship ended with a "break". I think breaks are just a way of putting off the break up, but like beeotch said, if it was meant to be you both will get back together, and if not, you will get through it.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Thank you both for your replies. To Beeotch: you're right about my instinct, but I know that holding on for dear life would only have the opposite effect. Que sera sera, as Doris Day would sing. And EE, I think he's being honest when he says that he loves me & is attracted to me. He also doesn't need to hedge his bets because women find him very attractive and he wouldn't have problems finding someone else. But yes, maybe something in him is telling him I'm wrong for him. Guess it's better now than after we're married. But really?!? Does everyone think that a break and a break-up are the same? Breaks and break ups are usually the same. its a rare situation where someone wants to continue the relationships after a break. A break is usually an excuse for a slow breakup. Instead of telling you why he isnt into you anymore, hes saying its something wrong with him. Its pretty selfish really, because it leaves you totally in the dark. if you look in the breakup forum, the "break" excuse is all over it. If you see the follow up posts, the result is always the same. The dumper keeps the dumpee hanging on for whatever time by calling it a break.
depplover_1980 Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 If I were you I would take the lead on this one, be strong on the 'break' and make it sound your idea - this is your best chance of making him do a double take. I personally don't think breaks are a bad thing. I think it is human nature to sometimes take stock and re-evaluate yourself as an individual. For me it shows a sign of strength. If it leads to you both negotiating a better relationship, for instance more space for him, then it would most definately have been worth it. I would sit back and be quietly confident on this one, but get your head together just incase. Good luck.
Author sedona Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 Yes d-1980, this idea of a break is mine, not his. I just want him to figure things out - either way. Of course, I'd love a Jane Austen ending where he realizes how stupid he's been, but I understand that things could go the other way. The worst thing is this limbo phase, where we're together..but not really. I just wanted to think through what I want and the advantages / disadvantages of a break. This forum is a great place for getting people's opinions about breaks. I've found that most people I know don't talk about this topic. Oh well, he has his first appointment with a therapist next week, so I'll cross my fingers that he's found someone who can actually help. And he's travelling a lot for work next week as well, so I don't feel an acute need to decide immediately.
TryTryAgain Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Sort of on a "break" myself right now. She and I have had a rocky relationship in that she has broken up with me twice over about a year and a half. This time I suggested the "break" because I didn't want to lose her. I reached out a couple of times, once for her birthday and once for valentine's day. Nothing over the top, but in any case, she didn't respond at all. So I'm more or less taking the approach now that it's a breakup. The "break" was probably delaying the inevitable. Did a "break" with a different girl many years ago at her request. That was even before I knew the concept of NC, but instinctively I knew that I had to give her space. I actually implemented NC and I didn't even know I was doing it. I couldn't take it and broke NC after about two weeks. She thanked me for giving her space, but ultimately ended up breaking up with me anyway. That's why in my current situation, I'm not even sure there is any point in reaching out to see where her head is at. I'm pretty sure I already know how she feels, so what's the point in talking to her to confirm. She'll reach out if she wants to. She knows where to find me. Funny thing you mention about the "limbo" phase. That's how I felt for about the first month, but that has sort of faded. Now I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that she's probably not coming back. I'm trying now to move on and evaluate myself. Even though originally I thought the break was for her, in actuality it was for me too. I personally have been through some therapy and it some times helps and sometimes doesn't. I think my ex could really benefit from some therapy, but I have never had the opporutnity to talk to her about it. It's really great that your BF is willing to go to a therapist to talk about things. At least he recognizes there's a problem. I hope things work out for you, I really do.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Its possible that it would work, but only if you stayed away from him. He might realize what he needs to know, but the real deal is if he naturally doesnt feel the love for you, he never will. He will probably miss you, and then have a desire to be with you again, but if he doesnt have some sort of epiphany, he will just go back to that "block" he claims he has. So Like I said, you can try the break, since its your idea, but his block is probably deeper than a break will remedy.
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