"Real" love

[kiss_andmakeup]

Don't get me wrong before I post about my issues, I completely love my boyfriend...I'm just wondering how you know the person you are with is also the one that's supposed to be in it for the long haul with you.

 

That being said, I'm sort of conflicted. What do you do when you are in a passionless relationship? Not that we don't kiss or cuddle or make love, but that there is no spark there when we do? What if we rarely fight and always come to compromises early in a disagreement? What if he worships me yet there is nothing there when we touch? How do you handle that?

 

I love sleeping with him and being around him but we don't have much in common and I rarely desire to be intimate with him.

 

To be honest I think the whole idea of "the one" is overblown and a bit fairy-tale-esque...I think we as women expect too much as far as "sparks" when it comes to mates due to all the disney garbage we were fed as kids.

 

HOWEVER, that said, you should absolutely be attracted to the person you're going to be with and want to be intimate with them.

 

Passion fizzles eventually right?...

 

After my last relationship I assumed that once you were with someone for a couple years that automatically died down, but with my current relationship (going on 3 years now) I have found that doesn't have to be the case. Beyond basic compatibility and lifestyle compatibility I would go so far to say that intimate compatibility is one of the key components to a relationship's longevity.

 

I can completely see my boyfriend being an amazing and attentive husband and father in the future. But is a future without any passion worth it?

 

You say you see him as a great husband and father which translates to me that he's responsible, stable, and loyal. Those are all great things but you CAN have those things AND a sexual attraction.

 

Emotional/practical compatibility and sexual compatibility are not mutually exclusive

 

Honestly, I would say he was average...but I've never been one to base my attraction to someone on their looks alone. I feel bad saying this, but I can't tell you how many times people have been so surprised at what my boyfriend looks like. I don't really care about that though...

 

Sometimes (mostly for women), sexual chemistry has little to do with whether or not their partner is conventionally "hot." It has more to do with how they interact as a lover, their confidence, and their personality. I wouldn't consider my boyfriend overly "hot" or above average looks wise but I am VERY attracted to him sexually because we have great chemistry.

 

I'm not suggesting you need look for a "perfect prince charming" as so many men on this board complain of. But emotional compatibility and sexual compatibility are musts, in my opinion.

[Eeyore79]

OP: I am curious, would you say your bf is objectively hot/handsome/average?

In my situation, my bf was not objectively handsome. I dated him based on what I thought his personality was like, and my attraction to him lessened as I discovered that he didn't meet various criteria. Taking another one of my exes as an example, he was handsome and I was still attracted to him even after I discovered he was a loser. It seems that attraction based on personality is more likely to be misplaced than attraction based on looks, which is why I think you need a bit of both.

 

The hard truth is that this guy likely will not be a friend and there is no guarantee that you will end up happier like Eeyore79.

It's true, I moved on and was lucky enough to meet someone who makes me happy, and there's no guarantee that would happen for the OP. But I was actually happier before I met my new bf, because I was happier being alone than living a lie and feeling dissatisfied with my relationship. Separating from my ex-bf opened up the possibility for me to experience love and passion again, and for him to find love and passion with someone else. I feel it was worth it, even if I'd never met my current bf.

 

We have a GREAT relationship minus the passion stuff.

A great relationship minus the passion stuff is a great friendship

 

Even though I don't walk around with a burning desire to have sex with him, we probably do it about 4 times a week at least. And it's also not that I don't enjoy it...I dunno it's hard to explain I guess.

Hmm. I simply put my foot down and refused to have sex because my ex-bf didn't do it for me, and it wasn't enjoyable on the few occasions that he talked me into it. Maybe there's some spark between you that could be saved if you are still having sex and enjoying it. My ex never aroused the slightest passion in me (whenever we had sex he initiated, and I went along with it to make him happy, though I felt no desire myself). In contrast, my current bf excites me so much that I think about him and do stuff by myself. I'm so glad I didn't settle for my ex, and in doing so, force him to settle for me - his wife is crazy about him and he deserves someone to feel that way about him.

[Dlyrica]

Eeyore, the more you speak the more I think our situations are a bit different. Maybe we do have some sort of spark but it definitely isn't passion although it isn't just nothing either. I have been in a relationship with a guy who I felt absolutely nothing for, I actually dreaded having sex with him or being intimate with him in anyway. I didn't even want to cuddle with him which is the biggest red flag for me because I love cuddling EVERYBODY.

 

So yes, this relationship is definitely a LOT different than that one...I actually never thought about that before because that past relationship was a COMPLETE lack of any chemistry what so ever. hmm...

[Eeyore79]

I didn't even want to kiss my ex because he just turned me off, I saw him mostly as a friend. So maybe your situation is partly different, because you at least have a regular sex life. It's important for sex to be fulfilling though, otherwise you'll be ripe for an affair in several years time.

 

If you're actively having sex with your bf and enjoying it, your best course of action might be to try to improve your sex life. If he's a yes-man in other areas of his life, is he also a yes-man in the bedroom? I always feel turned off by a man who doesn't take charge at least sometimes. In fact, I often find that being a yes-man in non-sexual ways makes me less attracted to him in the bedroom too. Also I find that some guys are so nice and polite that they have difficulty expressing their sexual desires, and they don't like to initiate in case I don't fancy it, etc. Such men need a bit of encouragement to overcome this idea that expressing sexual desire is somehow not the type of thing a nice guy should do.

[Dlyrica]

I didn't even want to kiss my ex because he just turned me off, I saw him mostly as a friend. So maybe your situation is partly different, because you at least have a regular sex life. It's important for sex to be fulfilling though, otherwise you'll be ripe for an affair in several years time.

 

If you're actively having sex with your bf and enjoying it, your best course of action might be to try to improve your sex life. If he's a yes-man in other areas of his life, is he also a yes-man in the bedroom? I always feel turned off by a man who doesn't take charge at least sometimes. In fact, I often find that being a yes-man in non-sexual ways makes me less attracted to him in the bedroom too. Also I find that some guys are so nice and polite that they have difficulty expressing their sexual desires, and they don't like to initiate in case I don't fancy it, etc. Such men need a bit of encouragement to overcome this idea that expressing sexual desire is somehow not the type of thing a nice guy should do.

 

 

Totally like that in bed too! Gentle, sweet, etc...I try to encourage him on the rare times that he gets a little rough or something but it's pretty rare. At the beginning of the relationship I KNOW for a fact that he got scared whenever we would have sex but now it's just a matter of getting him out of his comfort zone I guess and to have some more confidence...I know he would be up for it and sometimes he does it on his own, but usually I somehow psych him out I guess.

[thatdog]

Seriously what is wrong with you girls?

You have a guy that treats you great, you love, you love spending time with, and yet that still isn't enough?

I don't know a single couple that has been together longer than a few years that still has that 'spark'. Granted some of the couples I know are miserable, but a lot of them are still very happy together. My last LTR ended almost 10 years ago because my ex decided that the passion had gone, and now she is STILL lamenting to people that she thinks it was one of her biggest mistakes and whilst she has had a lot of passionate relationships since then they have all ended in nothing as soon as the passion dried up and she realised that she didn't have as much of a connection with them as we did.

Now my fiance is pulling the same crap (we are starting to go to counselling but i've already all but given up hope). No one wants to settle for 'just' love anymore.

My advice is if you realy do have any feelings for him as more than a friend, and you still have any kind of connection with him i the bedroom then you are doing a lot better than most people in LTRs and you should consider him a keep.

 

also i think Eternal Sunshine's friend was very lucky. I think in 90+% of cases if the girl went back to her ex 1+ years after dumping him theres no way she would be taken back. I think guys will generally have trouble with dealing with their girlfriend sleeping with anyone else even after they have broken up.

[Dlyrica]

Seriously what is wrong with you girls?

You have a guy that treats you great, you love, you love spending time with, and yet that still isn't enough?

I don't know a single couple that has been together longer than a few years that still has that 'spark'. Granted some of the couples I know are miserable, but a lot of them are still very happy together. My last LTR ended almost 10 years ago because my ex decided that the passion had gone, and now she is STILL lamenting to people that she thinks it was one of her biggest mistakes and whilst she has had a lot of passionate relationships since then they have all ended in nothing as soon as the passion dried up and she realised that she didn't have as much of a connection with them as we did.

Now my fiance is pulling the same crap (we are starting to go to counselling but i've already all but given up hope). No one wants to settle for 'just' love anymore.

My advice is if you realy do have any feelings for him as more than a friend, and you still have any kind of connection with him i the bedroom then you are doing a lot better than most people in LTRs and you should consider him a keep.

 

also i think Eternal Sunshine's friend was very lucky. I think in 90+% of cases if the girl went back to her ex 1+ years after dumping him theres no way she would be taken back. I think guys will generally have trouble with dealing with their girlfriend sleeping with anyone else even after they have broken up.

 

 

You're right, which is why I was asking if all of that IS enough?? Will a lack of passion throughout your life still lead to happiness?? Those were my concerns.