Dlyrica Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 (edited) Don't get me wrong before I post about my issues, I completely love my boyfriend...I'm just wondering how you know the person you are with is also the one that's supposed to be in it for the long haul with you. That being said, I'm sort of conflicted. What do you do when you are in a passionless relationship? Not that we don't kiss or cuddle or make love, but that there is no spark there when we do? What if we rarely fight and always come to compromises early in a disagreement? What if he worships me yet there is nothing there when we touch? How do you handle that? I can completely see my boyfriend being an amazing and attentive husband and father in the future. But is a future without any passion worth it? I really don't know what to do... Edited March 23, 2011 by Dlyrica
Eeyore79 Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I've been in a similar situation before. My boyfriend was a nice guy, faithful and decent, thought the world of me and would have been a good father, and I did care about him. But there was absolutely no spark between us; I loved him as a friend, but there was no romantic love or passion between us. I knew I was capable of feeling passion because I had felt it before with someone else, I just didn't feel it with him. There was never any strong desire to be with him forever; in fact I felt somewhat dissatisfied. In the end I decided that I couldn't live the rest of my life without passion and enjoyable sex, so I broke up with him. I eventually met someone else who's just as loving and decent, who would make an equally good father, only with him there's this burning passion and sex is amazing. I'm so glad I didn't stay in a passionless relationship, because it's better for both of us to be free to find real love and passion with someone else. I have a strong feeling that I want to be with this new man, and I'm totally satisfied because he ticks all the boxes and is pretty much everything I want. So I guess you know you want to be with someone if you strongly feel that you want them, and don't feel apathetic or ambivalent or dissatisfied in any way. How long have you been with your boyfriend? Has there been a lack of passion from the very beginning, or did you have it previously and it went away? Do you think you really love him in a romantic sense, or do you love him as a friend but feel no romantic passion for him?
Author Dlyrica Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 Thanks for responding. I feel horribly guilty for writing this post. We've been together for a year and a half. To be honest, there has never been much passion there. I've always thought he was wonderful, and he DOES make me happy but passion...no. It's extremely confusing for me because I enjoy being with him, I miss him when he is gone, I love sleeping with him and being around him but we don't have much in common and I rarely desire to be intimate with him. That's not to say I'm repelled by him or something, but as you said, I know what passion and chemistry feels like. It really tears me apart because he is a great person and it makes me extremely sad to think about us not being together but it also makes me sad to think about never feeling sparks with someone again. Although I've never cheated on anyone before, it also makes me wonder if being in this sort of relationship will push me to that. At the same time is it worth giving up on an amazing person? I just don't know...
East7 Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Thanks for responding. I feel horribly guilty for writing this post. We've been together for a year and a half. To be honest, there has never been much passion there. I've always thought he was wonderful, and he DOES make me happy but passion...no. It's extremely confusing for me because I enjoy being with him, I miss him when he is gone, I love sleeping with him and being around him but we don't have much in common and I rarely desire to be intimate with him. That's not to say I'm repelled by him or something, but as you said, I know what passion and chemistry feels like. It really tears me apart because he is a great person and it makes me extremely sad to think about us not being together but it also makes me sad to think about never feeling sparks with someone again. Although I've never cheated on anyone before, it also makes me wonder if being in this sort of relationship will push me to that. At the same time is it worth giving up on an amazing person? I just don't know... There are huge chances you'll end up cheating on him if you stay together. Just take a look on Infidelity Board, you'll see how many women cheat on their husbands because there is no passion in their relationship. Sometimes people stay in a R and even get married without being sure they are meant to be together. Chemistry and passion is not everything but it IS necessary to be in a happy R.
Kindaconfused_77 Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 It seems to me you are going to have to sit down and talk with him about this. It's not fair to him either, because eventually your dispassion will sour into frustration and he won't understand what is wrong. Perhaps if he isn't initiating a thing either he feels the same way as you do? Lingering in a passionless relationship because it is simply comfortable is denying each other that opportunity of having your real love... and that would be a shame.
Author Dlyrica Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 You make me sad, East7! I am so torn right now I can't even explain it. I WANT this to be right, you know?
Author Dlyrica Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 It seems to me you are going to have to sit down and talk with him about this. It's not fair to him either, because eventually your dispassion will sour into frustration and he won't understand what is wrong. Perhaps if he isn't initiating a thing either he feels the same way as you do? Lingering in a passionless relationship because it is simply comfortable is denying each other that opportunity of having your real love... and that would be a shame. (Sorry if I'm not supposed to double post!) I have actually mentioned us not having passion in our relationship, and he agrees...the thing is I'm pretty sure it is just me that is lacking the passion. He is always all over me and wanting to touch, kiss, etc...I know it isn't fair to him either and I guess it is in his nature to not complain about stuff like that but I wish he would. He is almost TOO easygoing, you know?
Imajerk17 Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 there might be hope. If you want this to be right, start talking to him about your sexual fantasies, the darker ones. He probably thinks of you to be all sweetness, light, sugar, and spice. And that he needs to be gentle with you 100% of the time. Tell him that you need to feel him take charge, be aggressive, and have his way with you. There might be another gear to your guy that you haven't experienced yet.
Author Dlyrica Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 Thank you ImaJerk, I definitely plan on having that conversation because you are completely right!
sumdude Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 there might be hope. If you want this to be right, start talking to him about your sexual fantasies, the darker ones. He probably thinks of you to be all sweetness, light, sugar, and spice. And that he needs to be gentle with you 100% of the time. Tell him that you need to feel him take charge, be aggressive, and have his way with you. There might be another gear to your guy that you haven't experienced yet. I actually agree with this. But you'll have to approach it in a way that doesn't make him insecure. IOW don't say I don't feel any passion for you. Just say I want to try some new stuff and why don;t you consider this or that. Deep inside every man should have an animal in him, hard part is letting it out and getting that damn brain out of the way sometimes. OP if you can't find a way to spark things up with him than you should move on for your sake and his. He'll be heartbroken for a while and you'll be sad too but better now than say 10 years later. Believe me, a divorce is a bit more intense than a break up after a year or so.
Eeyore79 Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 (edited) There was never really any passion in my relationship with my ex. I really enjoyed his companionship, I enjoyed the feeling of having a reliable person who was always there for me, who would take care of me and do nice things for me, but I was never in passionate romantic love with him. I don't think I even fancied him really, I just liked the secure feeling of being looked after and loved. I'm the type of person who really wants a committed and loving relationship, and he gave me that commitment and love - but I think I wanted commitment and love in general, not from him specifically (does that make sense?). I would happily have swapped his commitment for the same commitment from a sexier man. It was hard to leave the relationship to be alone, because I desired companionship and love and commitment so much, but it simply wasn't enough when there was no passion and sex. What made it worse was that he clearly felt passion and sexual attraction for me, and I was the one who wasn't really into him. So I felt like it was my fault that the relationship didn't work, and I'd have the perfect relationship if only I could fix myself and make myself be sexually attracted to him. I used to say I wanted to meet someone exactly like him, but more handsome and sexually attractive! That should have told me that what we had was only a friendship. When it comes down to it, you can't force yourself to be sexually attracted to someone. It's like the gay man who has a great female friend, who is just perfectly compatible with him, and pretty and smart and kind - but he's still gay. It took me a while to figure out that you're either attracted to someone or you're not, and no amount of logic (I enjoy his companionship, he would be a great dad, etc) will change that. Edited March 23, 2011 by Eeyore79
Author Dlyrica Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 There was never really any passion in my relationship with my ex. I really enjoyed his companionship, I enjoyed the feeling of having a reliable person who was always there for me, who would take care of me and do nice things for me, but I was never in passionate romantic love with him. I don't think I even fancied him really, I just liked the secure feeling of being looked after and loved. I'm the type of person who really wants a committed and loving relationship, and he gave me that commitment and love - but I think I wanted commitment and love in general, not from him specifically (does that make sense?). I would happily have swapped his commitment for the same commitment from a sexier man. It was hard to leave the relationship to be alone, because I desired companionship and love and commitment so much, but it simply wasn't enough when there was no passion and sex. What made it worse was that he clearly felt passion and sexual attraction for me, and I was the one who wasn't really into him. So I felt like it was my fault that the relationship didn't work, and I'd have the perfect relationship if only I could fix myself and make myself be sexually attracted to him. I used to say I wanted to meet someone exactly like him, but more handsome and sexually attractive! That should have told me that what we had was only a friendship. When it comes down to it, you can't force yourself to be sexually attracted to someone. It's like the gay man who has a great female friend, who is just perfectly compatible with him, and pretty and smart and kind - but he's still gay. It took me a while to figure out that you're either attracted to someone or you're not, and no amount of logic (I enjoy his companionship, he would be a great dad, etc) will change that. Wow, that completely resonates with me!...
Eeyore79 Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I think my desire for love and commitment is what discouraged me from ending my relationship sooner. In some ways, it seemed easier to convince myself to be attracted to my partner than to dump him and go through the whole dating process again. I didn't want to date different guys, and feel insecure, and be dumped and broken-hearted, and be alone without someone I could rely on as my companion, and postpone marriage and kids for an unspecified number of years. I could have everything I wanted right now, if only I could convince myself to be sexually attracted to this guy. Except you can't force yourself to fancy someone. I kept telling myself I could do a lot worse; he was trustworthy and decent, he was good to me, and he wasn't hideous or anything. I just didn't fancy him. He was my friend and I really didn't want to hurt him by dumping him. Also I saw other people's bad relationships, cheating and violence etc, and I felt like an idiot for giving up a good man simply because of something silly like not wanting to rub my bits on his bits. But it turns out that the rubbing of bits is actually quite important in terms of truly loving someone and developing a deep, committed relationship with them. He was my friend, not my lover. I'm glad I moved on, but I wish I'd realized sooner how important sexual attraction actually is.
Author Dlyrica Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 Wow, I feel like you are pulling thoughts from my head Eeyore. It makes me sad though because I feel doomed even though I don't WANT to end our relationship. How long did ya'll date?
East7 Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 You make me sad, East7! I am so torn right now I can't even explain it. I WANT this to be right, you know? You can't make it right if you don't feel it. Attraction and chemistry are not a choice. You can not just decide to love someone. This is the pattern that happens in all unrequited-love R : The harder you will try to convince yourself that you love him, the more it will drive you away from him. And the more you will be distant, the more he will cling to you, which inevitably will drive you away even more. It is a vicious circle. Unless your BF is smart enough to see that you are slipping away and act differently to rekindle your attraction. I am not saying he has to play games. Maybe it is just the way he is and another woman would have felt passion with the way he is. But it doesn't seem to work with you.
runner Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Wow, I feel like you are pulling thoughts from my head Eeyore. It makes me sad though because I feel doomed even though I don't WANT to end our relationship. you may not want to do it, but i think you know that you need to be honest with him. it will be good for the both of you in the long run. and if the friendship was real then it won't necessarily spell the end of your relationship together; it will just evolve into something else, ie. a platonic friendship. granted of course there will be short-term drama, he'll be butt-hurt for a while and probably won't want to speak with you until he's over it. but you've got lots of good replies on this thread and i think you know what to do next.
Ophelia11 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 (edited) Can I just say that it is not worth it. I was with my children's father for 16 years. We were friends and didn't have sex until about 6 months into our relationship. I remember the first night we "made love," and although it was so many years ago, I remember how completely underwhelmed I was with the experience. At that point, I loved him as a person, a companion, provider and knew he would be a good dad. He is/was all of these things but the lack of chemistry and sex in our relationship took a toll and he turned to porn which led to him meeting up with strangers....it got so.very.ugly. You both deserve love and passion. It is impossible to rekindle something that wasn't there to start. Disaster. Edited March 24, 2011 by Ophelia11
Eeyore79 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 It makes me sad though because I feel doomed even though I don't WANT to end our relationship. Is that because you love him and truly want to be with him? Or is it because you don't want to be alone and risk not finding anyone better? For me, the key question was this: "If I didn't have to go through the whole being-single-and-dating process, would I swap him for someone equally committed but more sexually attractive?" The answer was yes. I didn't want him as an individual; I wanted a committed relationship but not necessarily with him. In contrast, I wouldn't swap my current boyfriend for anyone, not even a movie star. How long did ya'll date? I'm sorry to say that I made the same dumb mistake a couple times in my twenties. I had a habit of choosing guys because I was lonely and they were decent people who treated me nicely and spent time with me, rather than because I felt any real attraction to them. The longest was three years; he talked me into sex a few times in the first couple months, but after that we didn't do it for the remainder of the three years - because I didn't want to, not because of him. That same guy is now married to a girl who finds him irresistible, while I'm with a man who I find irresistible, but who was previously rejected by other women because they didn't fancy him. I guess we can't choose who we feel attracted to...
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 OP: I am curious, would you say your bf is objectively hot/handsome/average?
Sanman Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 To the OP, I commend you for your honesty. It is difficult to admit that the 'shallow' things can matter so much. However, the question you need to ask yourself is this: Would you be happier if this guy was only your friend? If the answer is yes, you are likely dating a friend for security. Whether you should ignore this or be honest depends on your view of relationships and what you want. The hard truth is that this guy likely will not be a friend and there is no guarantee that you will end up happier like Eeyore79. The truth is that looks do fade and passion does turn to simple friendship for many couples over the years, but are you alright with never having experienced that as part of the relationship? On a total side note, more people on LS should read this thread and learn from it. There is a lot of truth in these pages.
Author Dlyrica Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 OP: I am curious, would you say your bf is objectively hot/handsome/average? Honestly, I would say he was average...but I've never been one to base my attraction to someone on their looks alone. I feel bad saying this, but I can't tell you how many times people have been so surprised at what my boyfriend looks like. I don't really care about that though... To the OP, I commend you for your honesty. It is difficult to admit that the 'shallow' things can matter so much. However, the question you need to ask yourself is this: Would you be happier if this guy was only your friend? If the answer is yes, you are likely dating a friend for security. Whether you should ignore this or be honest depends on your view of relationships and what you want. The hard truth is that this guy likely will not be a friend and there is no guarantee that you will end up happier like Eeyore79. The truth is that looks do fade and passion does turn to simple friendship for many couples over the years, but are you alright with never having experienced that as part of the relationship? On a total side note, more people on LS should read this thread and learn from it. There is a lot of truth in these pages. This is the part that confuses me. We have a GREAT relationship minus the passion stuff. Even though I don't walk around with a burning desire to have sex with him, we probably do it about 4 times a week at least. And it's also not that I don't enjoy it...I dunno it's hard to explain I guess. We get along great and have fun together. I guess my confusion mostly comes from the question: Is this enough? I figure I am the only one who can answer that but I thought I would see what other people's opinions were as well. Passion fizzles eventually right?... Also, sidenote, but I had a (brief) talk with him last night. The thing is, when I try to bring up something like this he always stops talking pretty much and lets me do most of the talking because he doesn't want to step on my toes but I feel like it solves nothing...
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I think that you can walk away from him and possibly regret it for the rest of your life. I have had a series of flings with hot physical chemistry and not much else. It's not what it's cracked up to be. Finding it ALL in one person is ideal but perhaps somewhat unrealistic for most people. Or you can find it all and be with someone who doesn't feel quite the same. Then spend years being miserable because you can sense that your feelings are unrequited to some degree. Personally, I could see myself marrying someone with whom I enjoy spending time with and am vaguely attracted to without the red hot passion. I could be quite content with it. One of my friends had this very problem. She was with her BF for 4 years and never really felt intense passion for him. She eventually broke up with him and had a year of single life having flings with men that she was crazy attracted to. She ended up returning to her old BF (luckily he was still single) and they are now married with 2 kids. She is happy. If you look at reality of married life, sex with the same person for decades will get boring even if the start was setting the sheets on fire. So you are really better off choosing based on compatibility.
Author Dlyrica Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 I think that you can walk away from him and possibly regret it for the rest of your life. I have had a series of flings with hot physical chemistry and not much else. It's not what it's cracked up to be. Finding it ALL in one person is ideal but perhaps somewhat unrealistic for most people. Or you can find it all and be with someone who doesn't feel quite the same. Then spend years being miserable because you can sense that your feelings are unrequited to some degree. Personally, I could see myself marrying someone with whom I enjoy spending time with and am vaguely attracted to without the red hot passion. I could be quite content with it. One of my friends had this very problem. She was with her BF for 4 years and never really felt intense passion for him. She eventually broke up with him and had a year of single life having flings with men that she was crazy attracted to. She ended up returning to her old BF (luckily he was still single) and they are now married with 2 kids. She is happy. If you look at reality of married life, sex with the same person for decades will get boring even if the start was setting the sheets on fire. So you are really better off choosing based on compatibility. That is EXACTLY what I'm confused about, thank you! Everyone is telling me that this relationship will be a disaster, but I don't see it like that at all. The thing is, you are told that you need passion in the relationship too, but then I think about people that have been married for awhile and I can just tell that passion is gone anyway. So what's better? and do you need it all to be happy?
runner Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 (edited) Also, sidenote, but I had a (brief) talk with him last night. The thing is, when I try to bring up something like this he always stops talking pretty much and lets me do most of the talking because he doesn't want to step on my toes but I feel like it solves nothing... this sounds like more than a sidenote to me, and could exemplify why you're so apathetic about your relationship. it kinda sounds like he's not willing or unable to stand toe to toe with you and engage on an equal level, emotionally. the parts i underlined hints to me that he just isn't on your emotional level, and because of that, just doesn't know how to respond. and the last part i underlined is the killer...no one wants to be in a relationship where it feels like someone is walking on eggshells. let me put it in another way, in my own relationships, i'm stomping all over the place and i don't give a crap about eggshells and toes i'm completely honest about how i feel with my partner. and whilst it isn't my objective to pick a fight, or even have sex, it somehow gets the juices flowing and the panties flying. Edited March 24, 2011 by runner
Author Dlyrica Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 this sounds like more than a sidenote to me, and could exemplify why you're so apathetic about your relationship. it kinda sounds like he's not willing or unable to stand toe to toe with you and engage on an equal level, emotionally. the parts i underlined hints to me that he just isn't on your emotional level, and because of that, just doesn't know how to respond. and the last part i underlined is the killer...no one wants to be in a relationship where it feels like someone is walking on eggshells. let me put it in another way, in my own relationships, i'm stomping all over the place and i don't give a crap about eggshells and toes i'm completely honest about how i feel with my partner. Funny you should mention that because I'm exactly the same way! I actually mentioned that very thing last night to him and explained that he needs to either hold his ground or put me in my place every once in a while because I feel like I walk all over him sometimes (all the time?). I realize how important this is, but he is seriously such a people pleaser that he has a lot of trouble saying no to anyone, ESPECIALLY me. I do not like this! I don't like feeling like my boyfriend can't stand up to me. He says it is because he wants me to be happy, but I told him that letting me run the show all the time makes me completely the opposite.
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