Feelingthechill Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 My gf and I were together 3 years, living together for 2 of them. We got along great, we were each other's best friend. We both worked full-time and I attended graduate school at night. I was still able to make time for her, and every indication she gave me was that she was incredibly happy. Almost daily she would tell me how much she loved me, how she never thought she could live with someone and be so happy, etc, etc. I did know that she dealt with some anxiety over work, and other issues--because she had difficultly sleeping many nights--but it never manifested itself in our relationship. She changed jobs in the middle of last year and her new job required her to travel some. Her first trip was to England, and in all of our discussions, and when she visited my brother (who lives there) all she could discuss was how much she missed me. She told everyone how much she was in love and how happy she was. Now fast forward a few months. She has to take a trip to South America for three weeks. Everything is fine before she leaves (we had just gone thru the holidays) and for the first few weeks we skyped very regularly, us both telling each other how much we missed each other. The last week we talked less, but she told me that the final week would be really busy. No problems...or so I thought. The day she is to fly back home, she sends me an email...saying that when she gets home, we need to talk. I call her ASAP, and she says we need to break up. I was floored. When she got home, she said she needed to embark on some self-discovery, and she was suddenly filled with doubt about everything she wants in life. She then says she loves me, but isn't in love with me. Which I found shocking. Keep in mind she had always said she wanted to get married in the next 2 years and have children in the next four. We both agreed on that. Over the course of the next month, she disbands everything, our policies, our phone plan and moves all of her stuff out. On the weekend she moves, we have hours of discussion, and she says that she regrets saying everything she has said, especially the "love, not in love" comment. She says that she feels really negative about herself and needs space to work on her problems. She alluded to use of amphetemines (which I thought were for a sleep disorder) and her lack of friends. She then says we can talk in three months, and she knows that this is a risk, and I might not be there. I tell her I love her, and if she is in the period of doubt and scared to make hard/life-long decisions, I am glad she is taking a few steps back and taking this time to figure out what she wants. She has been gone for a month, a month in which we had no contact at all. Yesterday I sent her an email letting her know that I hoped she was ok, and letting her also know that I was ok and using the time to really embark on self-discovery--and I thanked her, I don't think I would have gone thru this if she didn't do this (although I was rather mature before this episode.) So here I am, one month into what I think is a trial separation, and I worry that in two months I will be crushed. Either she will have moved on, or we re-enter a relationship that will lack trust, because she took these steps without warning or communication...or, this could be an indicator of anxiety/depression that I knew existed, but never thought it could manifest itself in such a severe manner. Some days I feel hopeful, other days crushed. Today is one of those days all of the good memories are flooding into my head, and I feel a bit crazy. PS I am 33 and she is 28. Thanks.
ShatteredReality Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 It sounds like something happened. Things like this don't just happen suddenly. Something happened...either to her or with her or something. It doesn't have to be as serious as an affair, though I am sure you will hear that from some on here...but something...and it sounds like it happened while she was in South America. Either that or something has been on the horizon for awhile and she's hidden it very very well up until she came home from that last trip. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best...you will get a lot of support here... Continue with the NC and use this time to feel comfortable with yourself. Be happy being with just you. Make her an addition to your life again rather than a necessity. It's hard to do, but it's easier to handle whatever comes from this if you do. I hope for the best for you both!
Author Feelingthechill Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 Thanks for the reply, I appreciate it. It certainly sounds like something happened--and at first it felt like she cheated on me. I asked her several times though, and told her if that was the case, it would be easier for me to cope with this than whatever vague reasons she was giving. When she first came back, she tearfully said that while she was down there she stopped taking amphetemines, which she said she had been taking for years...but a week later, when she came over for another conversation, she said she was making this decision on a clear mind. A week later, I asked her if she was back on the amphetemines, and she couldn't look me in the eye and say no. Could adderral and providigil have such an impact on someone?
Beeotch Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 (edited) Sorry to hear, I can imagine how difficult it must be for you. My motto though for breakups/separations etc...is and will always be, that it is life/the universe/God's way of throwing a wrench into things because we really need to stop and go a different way. They say "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans"...it's true! Life has a way of throwing curve balls and giving us what we need even if it something we don't want...and often times like 5 year olds we throw tantrums and pout because our plans are ruined and we can't see why and insist how we had it figured out made sense and was safe and great. It happens to all of us, relationshipwise and otherwise but esp with relationships it can be especially hurtful, upsetting, disappointing and horrendous! In a perfect world, we would only get into relationships that were meant to last forever, we would be open and forthright about our issues, we would work on ourselves and everything would go smoothly. Unfortunately, it is usually within relationships that we have the greatest growth and growth usually comes with growing pains... whatever issues and things we need to resolve show up within them. Sometimes one person is the catalyst for the other to realize things about themselves and sometimes a whirlwind comes and picks you up where you need to revamp your life holistically and your relationship takes a beating with it. She has been mature and honest with you and I applaud her for that...it is a better deal than if she ran off never saying anything about it at all (which has happened). Self-discovery is vital and one who doesn't know herself CANNOT be a good partner to you or mother to your children...so what she is doing is excellent. It came at a bad time for your plans...but such is life and it takes a lot to surrender to it and allow it to unfold. You are entitled to be hurt, upset, angry, sad etc but after it is all said and done....you have to find the good in it and work out what lesson is in it for you. There is no easy way to get through this....it will be difficult and hurtful....but I guarantee that this is something necessary why it is occurring and you will get through it and understand why. Edited March 23, 2011 by Beeotch
ShatteredReality Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Thanks for the reply, I appreciate it. It certainly sounds like something happened--and at first it felt like she cheated on me. I asked her several times though, and told her if that was the case, it would be easier for me to cope with this than whatever vague reasons she was giving. When she first came back, she tearfully said that while she was down there she stopped taking amphetemines, which she said she had been taking for years...but a week later, when she came over for another conversation, she said she was making this decision on a clear mind. A week later, I asked her if she was back on the amphetemines, and she couldn't look me in the eye and say no. Could adderral and providigil have such an impact on someone? I don't know anything about providigil. Look it up and see what the side effects are and what withdrawal does to a person. Adderall on the other hand, I have some experience with. That stuff is JACKED! Ok first off, it's mostly to treat ADD - side effect being insomnia. It also acts as a weight loss tool for many as it curbs the appetite. In addition it's its very own special little antidepressant. If she stopped taking it after years on it she could very well have spun herself into a downward spiral of misery. One week later to be on it again and probably yo-yoing between taking it or not...she's an emotional basket case right now. I hope hope hope she is doing all of this with the supervision of an MD. And if she is...she needs to tell them the effects it's having on her emotional well being. The medicinal changes could very well be the explaination you're looking for.
ShatteredReality Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Oh yeah...and Adderall can increase anxiety in some patients.
Author Feelingthechill Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 I guess my question is...can we recover? I know that answer really has to come from both of us, and it obviously depends on what her "problems" are/if they are solved...but could this be one of those chapters in life in which there is alot of pain, but if we persevere thru it, a better relationship could result?
timchambo Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Going through a very similar experience. After recent travels for work she eventually ended it. Was with another guy a day later. I suspect she wanted to adventure solo since she came back, but waited for the new emotional support to come along first. In the end I see that as cheating. She was/is also on adderall, but I don't know if she was on or off it when she left. I don't think it had anything to do with us.
Author Feelingthechill Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 That is what scares me most, she was very emotionally dependent on me...she would tell me she couldn't fall asleep until I came home, and never went more than a few days without calling me. To suddenly break things off and for her to now be able to go so long without contacting me...it is just a complete 180.
ShatteredReality Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I guess my question is...can we recover? I know that answer really has to come from both of us, and it obviously depends on what her "problems" are/if they are solved...but could this be one of those chapters in life in which there is alot of pain, but if we persevere thru it, a better relationship could result? Anything is possible. I am the eternal optimist when it comes to love...but I'll say this - it's not going to be easy. Anxiety can and often does just keep getting worse over time. It can be a completely debilitating disease(for lack of a better word). Now is your opportunity to ask yourself just what you're willing to put up with and deal with when it comes to her issues. Obviously she made some choices without discussing them with you - based on what she felt she needed. Now is a good time for you to do the same for yourself. She forced your hand here - you HAVE to reflect and take a second look at your life together. See the things you liked and the things you didn't like for what they really were. If at her worst moments of anxiety you were still happy with her...then reflect how bad can she get before you would no longer be happy? You cannot fix these problems she has - in some ways she can't fix them either. She can get help, but she may not be able to fix them. So....with all of that...can you reconcile and find yourselves better for having had this time? Yes. Will you? Too early to say. It's rarely a great move to seperate....as a couple we're meant to go through these things together - as a unit, helping eachother and such...she is choosing not to rely on you for this help...and unless it's a drug addiction (pretty much the only exception to the rule - and by addiction I mean substance abuse, not RX issues.) that is a show of distrust on her part - that you might not be capable of supporting her through this. You need to be sure to be ready to show her that you are in fact there for her...but also don't be so pushy that she feels you're trying to be controlling...it's a difficult balance to strike...
Author Feelingthechill Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 Thanks SR. The idea that she is forever damaged and going to bring issues to the table so severe that she walks out of the relationship is something that will force me to move on. It is sad because I really love her, but at some point I have to think about me, and more importantly, my children.
Billzebub Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 My ex father-in-law used to tell me that women don't really know who they are until about 28. If you get involved with one younger than that, prepare for her to wake up one morning and decide her life up to that point has been a sham. Consider yourself lucky you are out of it without legal entanglements or children. It will hurt for as while, but you are better off.
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