lolo1234 Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I put myself on a mancation -- meaning I am not going to be "on the prowl" until at least Easter. (Yes I gave up men for lent!) You heard the saying "The best way to get over a man is to get under another one". I thought I'd give it a try and unfortunately I found it didn't work. First of all, my self esteem is at an all time low. I was not attracting the type of men I thought I deserved. Secondly, I found myself secretly hoping that I wouldn't find anyone I was interested in. For me its been about getting used to being alone again. I haven't been alone for 9 years. I need to get over this feeling that I need to be with someone. Until then, I'm just going to be attracting the needy men and the players who are getting a huge whiff of my desperateness.
J0N Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I have some friends who set me up with one of their friends. This was after 116 days of NC with my ex. I had a really good time with her and I thought that she liked me. I felt liberated from my past. Fast forward a couple of weeks and I found out that she really wasn't in to me. I then realized the same thing as you, I was really only going to date this girl because it would help me get over my ex. Upon realizing this I decided to take a vacation from dating. I just want some time to myself. I want to get my life back in order and date somebody for the right reasons. I could probably go out and f*** around a little; but honestly I am trying to keep my "roster" as short as possible. I will not use someone either. I want to be a family man someday. To have a happy family and be financially comfortable are really the only two things I want in life. At this point I will not turn down an opportunity to be set up with somebody new or turn away somebody if I like her. However I am not actively seeking any type of relationship at this point.
silvermane187 Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 6 months since the break up and I haven't even considered dating again. Of course not meeting any girls during this time is probably one of the reasons:laugh:. At this point I would probably date someone I found attractive casually. I have a feeling I won't be in another serioues relationship for a couple years at least.
radiodarcy Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I put myself on a mancation -- meaning I am not going to be "on the prowl" until at least Easter. (Yes I gave up men for lent!) You heard the saying "The best way to get over a man is to get under another one". I thought I'd give it a try and unfortunately I found it didn't work. First of all, my self esteem is at an all time low. I was not attracting the type of men I thought I deserved. Secondly, I found myself secretly hoping that I wouldn't find anyone I was interested in. For me its been about getting used to being alone again. I haven't been alone for 9 years. I need to get over this feeling that I need to be with someone. Until then, I'm just going to be attracting the needy men and the players who are getting a huge whiff of my desperateness. i hear you. i have no interest in dating. even though my family and friends keep telling me i need to. (my ex even told me i needed to! talk about rubbing salt in the wound. thank goodness i came to my senses and went NC!) i'm just not ready. i'm still too raw from the heartbreak and disappointment. not to mention my self-esteem has taken a real beating. i'm in no condition to do any kind of relationship - - serious or casual. i know i need to get out there but until i've healed significantly it's better that i don't. only i will know when i'm ready.
cerridwen Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Five months since the B/U and ZERO interest in dating. I don't want to hide myself in another relationship. This breakup has "exposed" me and my issues. THEY are what needs attention, not a new guy.
Author lolo1234 Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 Five months since the B/U and ZERO interest in dating. I don't want to hide myself in another relationship. This breakup has "exposed" me and my issues. THEY are what needs attention, not a new guy. Cerridwen I like what you said abOut your issues needing attention. Curious hough what are you doing to deal with these issues you've identified?
BlindRage Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I've been on dates with multiple people, but then I realized I have too much things going on right now, and I don't really want someone to date exclusively. I want to have fun. So awesome... I'm just really happy that I'm pretty much moving on it feels.. liberating!
Beeotch Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I put myself on a mancation -- meaning I am not going to be "on the prowl" until at least Easter. (Yes I gave up men for lent!) You heard the saying "The best way to get over a man is to get under another one". I thought I'd give it a try and unfortunately I found it didn't work. First of all, my self esteem is at an all time low. I was not attracting the type of men I thought I deserved. Secondly, I found myself secretly hoping that I wouldn't find anyone I was interested in. For me its been about getting used to being alone again. I haven't been alone for 9 years. I need to get over this feeling that I need to be with someone. Until then, I'm just going to be attracting the needy men and the players who are getting a huge whiff of my desperateness. Mancation is a great idea. Getting under another man as you've seen, won't work. You will just end up feeling resentful, gross or think about your ex more in the end. Waste of time and not very self-respecting. Post-break up, I did try dating and just having companionship to help me forget my ex...didn't work and I didn't truly resonate with or like ANY of those people. I stopped altogether and didn't date for well over a year. Now I am seeing someone and things are moving slowly, but this is the first in 2 years post-break up that I am genuinely interested in someone else. 2 years sounds like a lot but it flew by! I was not at all worried about men and I knew precisely what I wanted and didn't want so was content in saying NO to anyone who didn't match up and was living my life doing a myriad of other things....being single wasn't torture...it was great! I actually started freaking out once I began to romantically like someone again as I forgot the anxiety and fears that it can bring. Anyway...point is: when you're ready, you'll know! If you force it before you're ready, it is going to feel forced, it is going to feel lacking, it is going to upset you, you're going to compare, it is not gonna feel right. So mancation it should be! Don't try to put a time frame on when you should date again...follow how you feel. For me it took 2 years to be genuinely interested in someone else, where I actually wanted to explore a relationship....but for some people it may be some months, some weeks etc. Whatever it is, you have to follow your true feelings and inner guidance and not external rules.
Beeotch Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 (edited) Five months since the B/U and ZERO interest in dating. I don't want to hide myself in another relationship. This breakup has "exposed" me and my issues. THEY are what needs attention, not a new guy. AMEN! So many people rush to find someone else and some safety blanket to wrap themselves in post-break up not realizing that it is a time when you often need to revamp yourself outside of others. The ex has had about 4 different gfs since he and I broke up and initially I was upset at how he seemed to be "living life" and "moving on" and I wasn't seeing anyone...BUT how very false. As each time he would break up and come back to me telling the truth that he has issues, he wasn't happy, he didn't really like these ppl etc. And right after...he would find another gf...smh. It was a compulsive need to not be alone that fueled it. But you can't do it forever. I would be jealous although I KNEW the truth...I would feel like oh wow, he is going on trips with these girls, having sex, getting the comfort of a relationship and I am "alone"....buttttttt how the tables have turned I was "alone" only romantically...I was working on myself, moving up in life....becoming more self-aware, having more to offer to myself and others, refining my goals, as well as externally pursuing goals and dreams that sometimes you put on the backburner when inlove. So NOW...I have truly healed from it, I didn't hide from the pain in anyone else. I didn't add more negative karma to my life by playing around with men whom I knew I didn't like, didn't use up my body by sexing strangers and now I know that I was dignified and I can step into a new relationship without that dragging behind me and I can be 100% authentic. While he allowed unhealthy things to drag on thinking he was escaping, but only putting off the inevitable til later...he is finally single I think (not sure) and having to really go through all that undoing of all the drama he added to himself by initially running away and seeking solace in others. I'd say better NOW than later...at the time it felt hard and looking back it sounds crazy like OMG for 2 years...but now I am glad it's over and done and I handled myself the way I did. I am now over it and have a fresh slate versus if I had hopped up with Tom, Dick and Harry and would now have to start from scratch. Smh. Edited March 23, 2011 by Beeotch
Lil1 Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 My ex and I finally ended things in Jan (after he moved to OR in Oct.) and I recently started dating again. There are a few reasons why I feel like I'm ready to fall in love again: 1. I am very sure of myself, what I want and what kind of person attracts me, my previous relationship did not skew my perceptions of this. The relationship ended because he was quite frankly too young and not fully sure of what he wants in life yet. 2. While I do not have a problem being alone I am of the opinion that it's better to go through life making connections and learning from others. I enjoy companionship and I believe in love! (but I don't believe in sleeping around either - I will only reserve that for a real relationship). 3. I do hope to find that special someone who will be my partner for life and have decided to take a proactive approach as opposed to waiting for it to magically happen. We only live one life so make the most of it right! 4. While I am new to the whole dating scene (I was in a ten year relationship with my hs sweetheart before my ex) I am taking it in stride and seeing it as an opportunity to learn more about the opposite sex and hopefully finding 'the one!', if anything, I can hopefully make some genuine friendships!
health Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I don't care about my ex at all. The frustrating part is not being able to find another girl who likes me. I have dated 3 girls since. They were all easy and went from me to other guys fast. I go out, try to meet girls, as soon as I sense they don't give back to me I let them go. I have a problem being attracted to girls that don't like me as much as I like them. I want this pattern to stop so it's been really tough.
cerridwen Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Cerridwen I like what you said abOut your issues needing attention. Curious hough what are you doing to deal with these issues you've identified? I identified the issues by asking myself "Why do I feel I don't deserve a better guy? Why am I tolerating this?" Then I tackled the answers one by one. Some reasons are: Loneliness--Addressed by putting more value in my friendships; developing new interests and spending time doing those; learning to be alone from time to time and finding the value in it. Perception I didn't have much to offer--Did an assessment of my accomplishments and talents; created a laundry list of new talents and skills I'd like to add, then set about learning them. Familial/cultural influences--Uncovered that I'd unknowingly internalized the belief that it's okay for men to cheat, that it's to "be expected." Belief that I'm weak and need a man in my life--Started working out again and lifting weights; faced down phobia and tackled money issues; decided my goal was to be my strongest self possible and if it meant snaking the toilet myself, so be it! Best to you in your healing.
cerridwen Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 So NOW...I have truly healed from it, I didn't hide from the pain in anyone else. I didn't add more negative karma to my life by playing around with men whom I knew I didn't like, didn't use up my body by sexing strangers and now I know that I was dignified and I can step into a new relationship without that dragging behind me and I can be 100% authentic. While he allowed unhealthy things to drag on thinking he was escaping, but only putting off the inevitable til later...he is finally single I think (not sure) and having to really go through all that undoing of all the drama he added to himself by initially running away and seeking solace in others. . Beautiful. Inspiring.
Author lolo1234 Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 Haha I love your snaking the toilet comment. Seriously this is the kind of stuff I was open to doing on my own but I was spoiled for a few years: So you start thinking that you can't do orbit te realityis that u can and u just dont feel like it.
DollyGirl12 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 No haven't here. Just not interested at this time. It's been over 7 months since my last relationship ended. I am emotionally ok but just not in the dating mode. Before I was with my ex I had been single for 4 years, by choice. I was very happy with my life. What I have started to recently realize is that when I was with him I was becoming more and more stressed as time went by. So, maybe finding out that he was planning, if he already hadn't, to cheat on me with Craigslist slimeballs may have been the best thing that happened to me. It gave me the opportunity to re focus and try to get back to where I was before. Not to say there was not alot of pain involved, because there certainly was. I've had men ask me out, and a few of them had become relentless, but I just wasn't interested, and still am not.
dng Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 It has been said here before and I'll say it again, alot of this dating comfortability has to do with whether you were dumped from or you left a relationship. My ex left, gosh it's been a while now, end of june, on a BREAK. It doesnt really hurt anymore but I think about her very often. A couple of days/weeks after she left she was already with someone else 24/7 and told me it was awesome and she enjoyed every aspect of it. At the time she said "Its not a break anymore, its a breakup" and gave me no reason. Of course now she's saying it was a mistake and she should never have left, and in the same sentence she'll say she met the best friend she ever had - that guy. All of this from someone who left on a break to find themselves. Of course like an idiot I had to find out, lesson learned. This has to do with them being checked out and gone mentally months before they leave and using you to iron out all their weak moments. I started dating as soon as she told me there'd been someone. I went from disaster to disaster. Either the girl was really into me and could read I was dead inside and that freaks them out, or I would end up pursuing unavailable people just cause. Its been fun and a great distraction from the white elephant in the room.
EmperorR Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Funny how I just came by this, I'm on a fast from women as well. I'm 25 and I've been in relationships since I was 20 now it's time to be alone for awhile. However ts funny last time I was doing this I became single and so happy then I found my last ex. I know I'm not over her and don't wan to hurt someone as a rebound so I wont
DollyGirl12 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 That's a good attitude to have. It's ok to be alone. You might even find you enjoy having your time to do things you like. I found that I gave up alot of myself with my ex. He was disabled with a back injury, and I was completely accepting of that. When we went out most of the time we could only stay an hour or so and had to go back home. His medication made it so that he was in zombieland most of the time. Last summer we could rarely go outside because his meds made him sweat. I'm a pretty active summer person and like getting out and hiking, etc. This summer I will be able to enjoy those things again!
GreenPolicy Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Started going on dates three months after the b/u and realized it was too soon. Now I'm five months and change past the b/u and if the right girl came along, I think I could take things slow and things could develop. I would say I'm about 60 percent healed from the breakup. I don't think you have to be 100 percent healed to be in a relationship again, but you probably need to be about 70-80 percent. Another person can't be entrusted with the responsibility of healing you. The bulk of that you have to do yourself.
LD1981 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 bah, i'm going celebate, cold turkey from all women
angelboots Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Im having me time. I did date someone briefly after the break up but I could tell he was more into it then me and I ended it because I realised I still had issues from the ex. I didn't want to hurt anyone the way I had been hurt and I need time to heal and sort out some of my new hang ups. I dont recommend anyone hide their pain behind someone else or go looking for someone to fill the gap left by the ex. It doesn't usually end well.
Author lolo1234 Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 Started going on dates three months after the b/u and realized it was too soon. Now I'm five months and change past the b/u and if the right girl came along, I think I could take things slow and things could develop. I would say I'm about 60 percent healed from the breakup. I don't think you have to be 100 percent healed to be in a relationship again, but you probably need to be about 70-80 percent. Another person can't be entrusted with the responsibility of healing you. The bulk of that you have to do yourself. I like how you attached percentages to healing. LOL I can honestly say that I'm feeling half as bad as I did immediately after the breakup. So I guess that means I'm 50% healed? I feel like I've made some big mental strides this last week.
proactivedreamer Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 yeah I am totally off of men right now...officially done for awhile. I have a tendency to surrender myself to them...ugh. I hate how pathetic I become when I "fall in love". I was sorely disappointed with how things ended with my ex,and I didn't like that there was no opportunity to salvage the relationship. I am the kind of girl that doesn't easily walk away when things get a bit difficult. I think my self-esteem dropped to about 0 for the first month, and as time went on I realized that I didn't give myself enough credit for the good things I did bring to the relationship. right now, I am just interested in doing what I have to do for myself, a relationship doesn't fit into that equation at the moment. I have been telling myself I am going to stay single but I wouldn't mind a little no strings attached action at some point. I think I can be unemotionally involved, after all I have before. I don't know, I think I am just feeling disconnected from the world right now..ugh.
curiousnycgirl Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 March 14th was the 6th month anniversary of my break up and I can finally say that I am finally back to being the me I was before I ever met my ex nearly 7 years ago. Thank G-d!!!!! I now know that about 3 weeks after the break up I hit rock bottom, and had a full break down that was probably 2 years coming. While my ex contributed to it substantially he was no way fully responsible for it. My life had just hit a very rocky patch and I had no safety nets in place at the time. At that point if anyone even mentioned the concept of my dating I would start crying. I was swearing off men for the rest of my life. The truth is that I was secretly (I don't think I even knew this myself) hoping my ex would come to his senses and beg my forgiveness for lying to me. Then a few months later I found out that the ex had been seeing someone from almost the day of the break up - that sent me spiraling back down the abyss again. So I still was in no shape to ever date again. Thankfully a very dear friend of many many years finally kicked my butt in gear and dragged me to a doctor and got me onanti depressants - folks if you need them - don't fight it, get the help you need!!! At this point I still don't really feel a driving desire to date, but if someone I trusted set me up, I guess I would acceppt a date. I think I remain gun-shy and scared to risk the happiness and equilibrium I have found. I guess my mancation is longterm!
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