Happy Finally Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 My story is another thread many have said NC and that is what I yesterday. And not a day later I get the: Are you mad at me email? You didn't email me before you went to the gym like you normally do. Then she tries to tell herself that I am on my trip (she knows I don't leave until tomorrow night). Amazing, really. She usually only responds with a few words and hasn't initiated an email since a few days after the PA when she said she was too emotionally involved and wanted to work on her marriage. I don't write once and get this....amazing. So hard not to write back.......so so hard, in fact the reply is open in the other tab. I decided to write here instead.
Owl Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 My friend, this is a prime example of why you can't unilaterally decide to go NC without informing the other party. You need to TELL her that it's over. Tell her that there will be no more contact between you. Otherwise she's going to keep doing what she's doing...she's not going to realize what you're doing. Tell her that it's over, you no longer want contact with her...and then BLOCK her from contacting you.
ShatteredReality Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I jumped over to your other thread for a glance. Didn't read every little thing, but I think I got the main points. So...I am with Owl. You need to tell her you're not able to speak with her anymore. Tell her if she wants to work on her M that's fine, but you also got too involved emotionally and the only way to get over her will be not to speak with her for awhile. Otherwise you will be on a rollercoaster ride of her warring within herself on what to do. She is pulled to you, addicted, if you will, but also doesn't want to leave her H. She will continue to want your attention, your adoration, your time and your emotions, without them she will feel as if something is missing - just like she did when you first started talking. Something was missing - she may not have even known what - but you fixed that for awhile. If you want to work on your marriage you need to cut this OW out of your life completely. Tell her so. You only need to tell her once. Then block her. It's not serious unless you do so. You're lucky - you don't have to see her every day at work or talk to her frequently for any reason...once you cut ties you can go on living seperate lives without altering too much of your current one....it will take time to move on - the average healing period after an affair is about a year and a half - and even then it's still there with you forever. But after about a year or year and a half you won't be thinking of her quite so obsessively. When she does pop into your head - push her out. It's the only way to move on. You cannot control that thoughts enter your head, but you CAN control how long you allow them to stay there.
East7 Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 (edited) She is pulled to you, addicted, if you will, but also doesn't want to leave her H. She will continue to want your attention, your adoration, your time and your emotions, without them she will feel as if something is missing - just like she did when you first started talking. Something was missing - she may not have even known what - but you fixed that for awhile. Absolutely true. Well said SR. Hey HF, I don't want to say "I told you so"...but I told you I can guarantee you she will contact you over and over again. You are her addiction, her escape, her irresistible HF. Everytime she will be bored or having no news from you she will contact you out of the blue...Been there And I am sure you will answer, the roller-coaster will begin again and you will meet again and woohoo she will find herself naked in a bed and then she will feel guilty all over again. There is nothing more addicting. Edited March 23, 2011 by East7
findingnemo Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Happy Finally, I like your name! NC is really hard. But I agree with OWL and SR and East. If you are going to succeed at NC, tackle the main enemy - yourself. Block all paths and any means for her to contact you. But first inform her.
Author Happy Finally Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 Ok, I didn't reply......until I got another email.... I do believe that I am her addiction but she is also mine...so crappy. Why are the affair feelings so intense and so overwhelming? I know she will never be mine and I can see what is going on (thanks to East in particular..your responses have been more than welcome, as well as the others). But something inside says...so what...this feels good...she makes you smile... Should not of responded....but the 2nd email..asking what did she do...... Yet she won't respond sometimes..why the double standard? Why does she expect me to be the one?
ShatteredReality Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 (edited) Ok, I didn't reply......until I got another email.... I do believe that I am her addiction but she is also mine...so crappy. Why are the affair feelings so intense and so overwhelming? I know she will never be mine and I can see what is going on (thanks to East in particular..your responses have been more than welcome, as well as the others). But something inside says...so what...this feels good...she makes you smile... Should not of responded....but the 2nd email..asking what did she do...... Yet she won't respond sometimes..why the double standard? Why does she expect me to be the one? An affair is chocolate cake for the dieting woman. It's forbidden, exciting, tantalizing - looks great, feels smooth, tastes great....and then - after enough of it - your arteries are clogged with it's poison, your hands are dirty because you didn't use a fork and just went at it with wreckless abandon, your family is looking at you like you're a monster because you selfishly took something they thought was theirs from them, you have to buy new clothes, you feel like you'll throw up....and ultimately you are one step closer to a diabetic coma. (No I haven't ever dug into a chocolate cake like that - doesn't mean I haven't wanted to) Women are even more controlly by emotions than men - most of the time. (I am careful with my generalizations) So her guilt eats away at her, but her addiction to you pulls her to you...as stated before. If you want to ride the ride, then by all mens, jump on and respond to her e-mails. If you would prefer to come out of this with your heart at least partially in tact you will tell her that you cannot only have her in part. It's all or nothing. Either you both leave your current SOs for eachother, or you initiate NC in order to recover from this. She made you feel good in ways you hadn't felt in a long time....she's your own personal little 8ball of fun...and like any other drug - she has the ability to completely and entirely unwind your entire world. If you let her. If you let yourself let her. She won't do it intentionally...she will be feeding her addictions and it will happen. She's fighting her addiction to you also, hence the hesitation and sometimes not responding. But it eventually gets the better of her and she can't help but reach out for you...if you reach back and grab her hand she will remember her guilt once she's gotten her fix and return to the dark place of hiding she clings to in order to try to escape. Like East said...it's a roller coaster...it is your choice if you want to jump on it or not....one word of caution, though, none of the restraints are operable...so...you could just fly out at any time. Edited March 23, 2011 by ShatteredReality sp
Owl Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Ok, I didn't reply......until I got another email.... I do believe that I am her addiction but she is also mine...so crappy. Why are the affair feelings so intense and so overwhelming? I know she will never be mine and I can see what is going on (thanks to East in particular..your responses have been more than welcome, as well as the others). But something inside says...so what...this feels good...she makes you smile... Should not of responded....but the 2nd email..asking what did she do...... Yet she won't respond sometimes..why the double standard? Why does she expect me to be the one? So what are you going to DO about it? Trying to convince yourself to sit there and passively not respond to her contacts doesn't work. You've seen that. So what actual steps are you going to take to make a change? What are you going to DO to make a change? Send her an email explaining the NC, and then blocking her addresses from contacting you again? Removing her contact information from your phone/etc... so that you can't contact her easily in a moment of weakness? What are you going to CHANGE?
East7 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Personally I don't recommend blocking people unless someone harasses you. Blocking is like sticking the head in the sand, it is a weak attitude. You can instead ignore or answer honestly that you are not interested. HF, what I can tell is that you are in a decisive moment (been there and tried to stop it). You can easily stop an A in the very early stages, it is much more difficult after 1 or 2 months. The difference between you and me is that I was single and careless, I didn't have a family to think about. It will be very easy to have xMW, believe me, just answer and she will be 'yours' in a few messages . But what about your own M? Can you handle two difficult relationships at same time? Too much work mate.. If you want xMW for passion and sex, you can have it, but it will distract you from your own problems. IMO try to fix your M first or D whatever you pick. xMW will still be there with no intention to leave her H.
Owl Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Personally I don't recommend blocking people unless someone harasses you. Blocking is like sticking the head in the sand, it is a weak attitude. You can instead ignore or answer honestly that you are not interested. HF, what I can tell is that you are in a decisive moment (been there and tried to stop it). You can easily stop an A in the very early stages, it is much more difficult after 1 or 2 months. The difference between you and me is that I was single and careless, I didn't have a family to think about. It will be very easy to have xMW, believe me, just answer and she will be 'yours' in a few messages . But what about your own M? Can you handle two difficult relationships at same time? Too much work mate.. If you want xMW for passion and sex, you can have it, but it will distract you from your own problems. IMO try to fix your M first or D whatever you pick. xMW will still be there with no intention to leave her H. Respectfully I've got to disagree, East. If you're weak/addicted...and HF has acknowledged that he is in this case...then blocking the other person helps you institute and maintain NC while you're dealing with that addiction/weakness. NOT doing so is just leaving yourself the loophole open to resume the affair. It gives you an out...an excuse for failing to maintain NC. It's foolish not to use such an obvious tool to help you deal with the situation, IMHO. There's no "sticking your head in the sand" to this...it's taking an ACTIVE MEASURE to change the situation, rather than passively sitting there "hoping" that she'll go away on her own (while still hoping that she won't, either). Rather than leaving the whole thing up to her to end the contact...take active measures to end and prevent contact YOURSELF.
Author Happy Finally Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 just answer and she will be 'yours' in a few messages . Yeah, she will be 'mine', in the same manner as a borrowed car. Both always go back to where they belong. But what about your own M? Can you handle two difficult relationships at same time? Too much work mate.. If you want xMW for passion and sex, you can have it, but it will distract you from your own problems. IMO try to fix your M first or D whatever you pick. xMW will still be there with no intention to leave her H. Oh and update on my M (you were following that on the other thread): Remember how my wife said she waned to work on it..well she clarified that for me a few days ago. She views us staying married as a business arrangement because neither of us an afford to live on our own. Well, that's not true she could because the state will give her 64% of what I make...and what is left over is not enough for me to live here because of the cost of living. I can't even afford a crappy apartment...it's so bad...7 years of college and I can't support myself...God why did I move to such a liberal ass state!!!!!
East7 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Yeah, she will be 'mine', in the same manner as a borrowed car. Both always go back to where they belong. Well that's true. I was just saying it is easy to get sucked back for both of you. Borrowed car, yes, good analogy. Oh and update on my M (you were following that on the other thread): Remember how my wife said she waned to work on it..well she clarified that for me a few days ago. She views us staying married as a business arrangement because neither of us an afford to live on our own. Well, that's not true she could because the state will give her 64% of what I make...and what is left over is not enough for me to live here because of the cost of living. I can't even afford a crappy apartment...it's so bad...7 years of college and I can't support myself...God why did I move to such a liberal ass state!!!!! I'm sorry finances are getting complicated. From the hindsight of what I have read here on LS, better accepting some financial consequences rather than being miserable without time limit. Anyway I hope you will find a solution.
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