unsureLP Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 H suggested to me yesterday that we separate for a while, as a trial, to see if things get better. I told him I didn't think separating wouldn't make anything better but instead just push us toward a real separation. Was I wrong? Should I take his suggestion? Does separation ever lead into better relationships? Here's the background: We've been married for 4 years with a 2 1/2 yeard old dd. We're both financially secure and have savings set aside for emergencies. We've been having more serious problems in our relationship for a little over 2 years now. Things came to a head about a year and a half ago when his anger started escalating and I got scared. We started MC and IC. Things got better and then they got worse again. Our daughter is beginning to show signs of being affected by the problems. My contributions to the problem: 1) I'm a child abuse survivor and I have huge issues with intimacy. It takes a lot for me to trust, and little to lose trust. I don't like sex. This isn't fair to him, since he has a very high sex drive. I can't meet his needs there, but I would like to at least get to back to the point where I feel comfortable enough to enjoy sex with him. 2) I've emotionally checked out of the relationship and I have a hard time even remembering why I loved him at one point. All I can think of is the pain and resentment that's been here for 2 years. I have hope this can be fixed somehow. His contributions to the problem: 1) He knew about my sexual abuse history from the beginning when we started dating. Still after he got depressed, he "coerced" me into having sex with him often, ignoring the fact that I cried every time. 2) His anger flared up and his outbursts escalated until one night it got out of hand and he started hitting himself and threatening to leave the country (he's not from here) and take our daughter with him. His anger/insecurity/depression issues have gotten better (he's really making an effort), but they still come out sometime. One example is his reaction to our daughter's rejection of him (she's very clear that she prefers me over him, a little too much) in that he's many times threatened to leave us, and a couple of times told her it was her fault, that daddy was going bye bye forever and it was her fault. He knows this is bad, he's admitted it, so I want to believe this will stop, but I'm afraid it will always be an issue. Even though I don't have positive feelings towards my husband right now, I made a commitment to him and I want to stick to it. I'm willing to work very hard on it and I think he is too. But it's not fair to him to have an emotionally dead wife, and it's not fair to me to live in fear of his anger or threats of leaving. And our daughter is picking up on all this and she's getting so tense and fearful too. I know I don't usually get many responses on the forum, but if anyone can share experiences of separation, that would be so helpful. Did it ever help to improve the relationship when combined with MC? Does it lead to a complete and permanent separation?
2sure Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Yes, you have real issues to deal with. I hope you continue to try to understand them. Its possible that your abusive upbringing has made you come to feel if not comfortable with abuse - then complacent about it, as if it were normal. Its not. For a father to threaten and blame a 2 year old for his issues...is nuts , abusive and dangerous. If you cannot decide for yourself - then you must decide for her: He has to GO.
You Go Girl Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Separate. He needs the time to learn how to stop being abusive. Until he does that, you will continue to be emotionally numb in order to protect yourself. You have your own work to do on you, and you need to be able to breathe freely to do it. You can't do it in a threatening environment. Separate, if not for yourself, then for your daughter. You are not imagining things. He is being abusive to your daughter, and you are letting him because it is what YOU KNOW from your past. He is a total brute, for having sex when he knows that the treatment of you during that sex is less than loving, but a conquest, and makes you cry. Don't subject her to an abusive upbringing also. You will be indirectly abusing her by letting him abuse her, see? The cycle will continue. No doubt it appears you have chosen what you know--the abusive type.
Author unsureLP Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 Thank you for your responses. I think you may be right, though it's hard for me to be sure of anything or see anything clearly. Is it possible for someone to be abusive and not realize it? And could they change if they are willing and something opens their eyes to their actions? Can someone be a good person but perform bad actions occasionally? Or am I just hiding my head in the sand?
denise_xo Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Is it possible for someone to be abusive and not realize it? And could they change if they are willing and something opens their eyes to their actions? Anything is possible, but all kind of human change is hard. Your first priority should be protecting your daughter and yourself. If he is willing and capable of change, he should prove it to you and show practical results first - from a distance. Can someone be a good person but perform bad actions occasionally? ? Yes, I believe so. But the question is when that stops to matter. I dated an alcoholic once who treated me pretty badly at times. So, while I believed (and still believe) that he is fundamentally a good person 'at heart', in reality that wasn't good enough. The 'good person' line shouldn't be a cover for accepting behaviour that's unacceptable.
Lexygirl Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Unsure, I am sorry to read you've been through the abuse in your past and also present. What I fear from reading this is that you are determined to change an abuser. Only he can change himself. He needs to get help. As to your question about separating or not, I think it would be a good idea so that he can get help and obviously he needs some counselling. To go on as you have been is so unhealthy for you and especially your daughter. As others have posted, you must think of her first and foremost. Just my opinions. All the best to you.
Author unsureLP Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 Well, it looks like he's taken back his offer and he won't leave. I don't want to leave our house because I want to keep my daughter's life as stable as I can. I don't want to much change at once. We're going to counseling together tomorrow morning, and I've warned him that I am going to be honest and tell the counselor all the things I've told him bother me. He's asked me since the beginning of our counseling together to talk to him first about what we'll say. There are some things he doesn't want me to say to the counselor. But that defeats the purpose, so here's what I've decided: 1) I'm going to be totally open with the counselor, whether he gets upset or not. 2) I'm going to make it clear that either he controls his outbursts for good, or he has to leave (but I can't make him leave, can I? And if I leave with dd, does that mean she and I will have to leave the house to him?) 3) The next time, if/when he says anything to her or me that reek of abuse, I'll contact a lawyer and get the ball rolling. As for the brutish sex, he hasn't done that since we talked about it in counseling. That's why I believe he is trying to change. I don't think he realized what he was doing, and once he did, it stopped. But your advice is right. I've been trying to make excuses for his behavior, and ignore a lot of signs. When I first came to LS, I wanted to leave, but I kept thinking that the fights and the anger were my fault. He used to tell me I'm too direct, that I have to say things in a softer way and that's why we fought. But not matter how nice or indirectly or softly I tried to say anything, it always made him explode. I didn't realize it until in one of our MC sessions he did it right in front of the counselor and he called us on it - I kept getting quieter and quieter, and saying things in a more and more indirect way, and my husband got more and more closed, face contracted in anger, jaw locked, arms crossed, fists opening and closing in anger. And some of his actions at home... I don't want to put the blame on him, I don't believe it's ever just one person's fault. But I can't ignore or try to hide these things just because I don't want to paint him in a bad light, because I want to be fair if we separate, because I want to make sure I'm not just imagining things. Even in an anonymous internet forum it was hard for me to talk about all this at first, it's so much harder when I'm face to face with people.
Author unsureLP Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 Here's a brief update: We went to the counselor today. After talking to us a while, the counselor asked us to talk to him separately for about 10 minutes each. He told me my concerns are valid, and he can see that I am a bit trapped. There's no way to prove anything violent and so H would probably get some sort of visitations. He's threatened to leave the country with our dd and I just can't take the chance of that happening. So the counselor gave me his card with a cell phone and a list of red flags to watch for. Then it was my husband's turn to go in and they talked. We go back next week and he wants to talk to each of us alone for 30 minutes. Even now that I'm coming to terms to what's happening; even though H admitted to counselor things that made him concerned (emotionally, not physically) for me and dd, we can't leave. If we leave, H would end up with too many chances and reasons for leaving the country with dd without telling me. Does anyone have any advice regarding this?
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