worldgonewrong Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Curious to get thoughts from people here who have read this book. Did it 'work' for you?
dreamingoftigers Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I have been chunking through it. I actually called the coaches and looked up the 180 online. The results so far have happened quicker then I thought. They recommend "Divorce Remedy" because is it revised and updated. My husband's attitude towards me has improved +200%! (scale is not exact) I am not sure about it fixing up any of our deep-seated conflicts or anything (very severe marital issues). But at least he isn't viewing me as on "the other side" anymore. With the book specifically I did find lots of helpful things and ideas to bear in mind but I am not done it yet. So I hope this helps.
Author worldgonewrong Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 I appreciate your thoughts, dreamingoftigers. thank you.
Yasuandio Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 For me, I found it me outstanding, informive, insight on how to handle marital issues with dignity, and a much greater chance of success. I wish I knew about "Solution-Based" phychoanalasis theory years ago (Davis does note properly site Adler or Adlerian Methodogy, 1956). Unfortunently, left to my own creative impulses, I have had little sucess. But if I knew then what I know now with two years of deep study on our issues, I could have cracked this nut. Therefore, I grasp the final chapter of Divorce Busters -- "The Last Resort" as my final stratetgy. Essenially, this is where you do some waaaaay different. It is especially difficult to apply when you have no contact with spouse at all. These waaaaay different things are obviously something you'd like them to take note of. Nontheless, I did one or 2 waaaaay different things for a statement to myself that I need to detach and start moving on (new puppy at the house!!!). Here is what I could think of to do waaay different: (1) I put parental lock on my phones so I would not break down and call him. As a result, he cannot call me and hook me in a conversation that ultimately leads to obsession and compulsion on my part. Rob wasn't up for the idea. But it is completely necessary because of my lack of control. (2) Our garage door has eight ugly windows at eye level that comprise one horazontal row of the garage door. When I got my firewood this winter, I sent my painter out in the freezing cold to paint those windows in. I didn't want anyone seeing me in my pajamas in the middle of the night getting wood from the garage. (3) I have a perfect red Z3 that never leaves the garage unless it in it. I spit polish that car, it is my queen. I love her. This is what I did several nights, including a night where it was raining cats and dogs! I LEFT MY LITTLE Z IN THE DRIVEWAY OVERNIGHT! (it almost killed me). I know he cruises neighborhood. He may or may not have noticed there subtle changes. Soon I need to inform him about losing our rental tenants. There is NO NEED TO SPEAK about this. It's a simple matter, he will not get any money this month, and I am advertising for new tenants immediatly as this is my role. I plan to put it in a not. Live, Cameras, Action! There you have it "The Last Resort" when no one is around to see it. WGW, if you or any other readers can think of anything else I can do that is waaaaay different in a case (where you do not see the spouse) please let me let me know!
Author worldgonewrong Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 Thanks, Yas. Well, what keeps my "last resort" thing going is the fact that we HAVE to communicate & see each other since children are in the picture. So, albeit briefly, she can see the various stages of my metamorphoses during these exchanges. Not pinning my hopes on ANYthing or anyone (except God), but she's perceptive and can see. (sorry for the tangent.)
Yasuandio Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I make so many mistakes on this iPhone! I meant, Lights, Camera, Action! Just like you honed in to that blue eyeshadow, sure as can be, your wife can detect every single metamorph, WGW. You can count on the female species to be extra-observant of such things, per all senses. Did you ever pick up a new cologne?
Author worldgonewrong Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 Did you ever pick up a new cologne? Nope. Thankfully.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Yeah typing on iPhone is sure "creative." I think the biggest things the made the difference to me is that when your spouse starts to walk away, often we engage in behaviors that are already agitating to them to pull them back, we also end up asking "how high?" everytime they say "could you possibly jump over here?" sometimes we even call them and ask "do you need me to jump up and down for you today? I can entertain you, I am getting pretty good at ths jumping thing, please let me know." What happens is they really really get accustomed to being able to pull that string because we want them to stay around. When we back off and stop phoning, or watching their lives for that opportune moment, it isn't like they come running back. But they do start to wonder where the Jumping Fool went. At first it is just a mild curiosity, then it becomes a question that would want an answer. And when they call to calmly ask 'so are you still doing all of that jumping around?" All of a sudden they can't even get ahold of you right away! Now if part of your daily routine involves watching somebody jumping all around in your name and you have that going on for years, you settle into that being there for you. No matter what you do, you get a jumping circus every night when you get home, sometimes it impresses you, sometimes it annoys you, sometimes it just isn't good enough. You really want to know why the Hell the show has been cancelled. Eventually you go get ahold of one of the performers, and you get to ask "what happened to the jump show? Are you still performing?" you eagerly await your answer and get greeted with: "we are just thinking about things lately." "well what kind of things?" "you know what, I've got to go, I have a different type if performance to do, catch you later, thanks for calling. Bye." So now the spouse expecting to see the other performing spouse get all jumpy starts to realize that there is a new show in town that they may never get to see, and that having that kind of entertainment and lifestyle was way more fun then sitting at home alone, even if the show sucked. They would rather come by and play in the new show, even if it wasn't on every night, and wasn't timed as perfectly as before. In a way that makes it way more rewarding when they do get to see your performance. You aren't just jumping around for them when they want at their command. You are now an artist in your own right and they never know what works of beauty to expect next or when. The show is no longer a staged and free performance. It goes on when you want, and your audience is appreciative. Gosh I hope that this doesn't sound as crazy as I think it might:p
Author worldgonewrong Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 dreamingoftigers: I frickin' LOVE your post! YES! (You have a lot of thoughtful insight actually; I've gone back & re-read many of your posts. You're very perceptive.)
Author worldgonewrong Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 Nope. Thankfully. I mis-read that as whether SHE got a new perfume. My answer is still no. I didn't, but maybe will.
Author worldgonewrong Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 your wife can detect every single metamorph, WGW. You can count on the female species to be extra-observant of such things, per all senses. I'm guessing she thought I would get all depressed, grow a beard out, and continue nurturing a beer gut. I've done the COMPLETE and utter opposite of that. And I love me for that.
What_Next Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 New cologone, new clothes, some new habits. I did all of those. Now at the time I did them largely for me, but the effects were dramatic. Very entertaining post DOT, how about an encore! Finally some light hearted discussions in this dreary place.
sumdude Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I read the book but my marriage was past the point of no return. If I had an inkling as to what was going to happen say a couple months earlier it may have helped. Usually once a woman moves out and is involved with another man the gig is up.
Yasuandio Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 WGW, I suggested Armani "Black Code" some time ago. It's my favorite. You seemed to like the idea back then. Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump.
Yasuandio Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 (edited) Yeah typing on iPhone is sure "creative.":p Dear Ms. Dreaming of Tigers, The "creative impulses" I drew upon to butress my strategies with problematic husband (which were entirely unsuccessful) were in application "tool box" long before cell phones were available on the market. In fact, just since the separation have I possessed an Iphone which is, admitedly consumming me as many new devices tend to do. Therefore, let me clarify what I meant by "creative impulses" (that didn't work). These would be actions and or behaviors of which the standard citizen/spouse does not consider as a means of expression (e.g., the product of a hugely right-brained, artistic person). Some of these behaviors or actions were extremely subtle, some were not. Do you get me? Or do you need me to draw you an effing picture? By applying all that I knew and all that I am, and all I could think of at the time as the creative being God made me, I am unhappy enough that it is TOO LATE to utilize good advice, much less find some passive aggressive poster that failed to grasp the concept and needed to vent it at the top line of her post like a Big GOT-CHA. Sort of reminds me of how the subtle methods I employed just went over husband's head! Duh. Other than the first line, I really enjoyed your post! Edited March 23, 2011 by Yasuandio
Yasuandio Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I'm guessing she thought I would get all depressed, grow a beard out, and continue nurturing a beer gut. I've done the COMPLETE and utter opposite of that. And I love me for that. WE ALL LOVE YOU FOR THAT, WGW! :bunny: BRAVO!
dreamingoftigers Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Dear Ms. Dreaming of Tigers, The "creative impulses" I drew upon to butress my strategies with problematic husband (which were entirely unsuccessful) were in application "tool box" long before cell phones were available on the market. In fact, just since the separation have I possessed an Iphone which is, admitedly consumming me as many new devices tend to do. Therefore, let me clarify what I meant by "creative impulses" (that didn't work). These would be actions and or behaviors of which the standard citizen/spouse does not consider as a means of expression (e.g., the product of a hugely right-brained, artistic person). Some of these behaviors or actions were extremely subtle, some were not. Do you get me? Or do you need me to draw you an effing picture? By applying all that I knew and all that I am, and all I could think of at the time as the creative being God made me, I am unhappy enough that it is TOO LATE to utilize good advice, much less find some passive aggressive poster that failed to grasp the concept and needed to vent it at the top line of her post like a Big GOT-CHA. Sort of reminds me of how the subtle methods I employed just went over husband's head! Duh. Other than the first line, I really enjoyed your post! I put the iPhone comment because I am typing on one too and I have to watch lest I make a million spelling errors.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I put the iPhone comment because I am typing on one too and I have to watch lest I make a million spelling errors. To clarify even further, I was referring to some of my own spelling/word errors as being "creative." Often I will write the word 'so' and my predictive text/small keypad will make it "do." oftentimes 'and' will be 'abs.'No "effing" picture required, happy posting.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I make so many mistakes on this iPhone! I meant, Lights, Camera, Action! ? I just reread all of the posts again in this thread because I really couldn't figure out where the angry reaction came from. The statement quoted above is specifically what I was referring to, not the one having to do with your marital circumstance. If you ever go checking through my other threads you can see that I have mentioned my phone a few times. Prior to February my posts did not contain even 10% as many spelling and grammar errors. I feel embarrassed by them but will not stop using my phone across the day when I have no laptop access. I hope that you have as much fun on your iPhone as I do.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Yeah, right. Just for the record, I am not often noted to be passive-aggressive over other people's marital circumstance or feelings about it. Believe what you want. If I wanted to slight you in any way, I would have owned it by now. I am quite confident that we'll move past this very weird and entirely explanable understanding. Hope you car is okay from the elements. Have a nice day. Not necessarily my week on LS it appears....
Author worldgonewrong Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 WGW, I suggested Armani "Black Code" some time ago. It's my favorite. You seemed to like the idea back then. Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump. heh heh, peer pressure, eh? seriously though, you've re-planted the idea in my mind. Will check it out.
Yasuandio Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 (edited) heh heh, peer pressure, eh? seriously though, you've re-planted the idea in my mind. Will check it out. Dude, you can like say that again! I'm just an art major from the US that drives a snazzy red Z, struggling with the dreaded XMLC sydrome (X-tended Mid-Life Crisis). Was it Shakes-Peer who wrote: "I think the dust protest to much!! I thought I protested more than enough as it was. I really hope that I totally mis-credited, mis-quoted, mis-pronounced, mispelled, and mutilated the above quotation, I certainly gave it my best shot. Hey, I really think you gotta check out the Black Code. It's @ 25 buck's on eBay or perhaps Kroger's has it! Or maybe some of the women out there have alternate favorites to suggest! Edited March 24, 2011 by Yasuandio
Yasuandio Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 (edited) WGW, I really do have to retract all my nasty posts directed towards dreamingoftigers, and I regret causing comotion on your thread. Dreamingoftigers, if you are reading, I hope you will accept my sincere apologies for the absolutely unnecessary ranting and sarcasm I directed your way last night. I am extremely ashamed and very sorry, Yas WGW Also, I offer my apologies to you. Yas Edited March 24, 2011 by Yasuandio
Author worldgonewrong Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 No worries, Yas. Stress gets the best of all of us at times. And I'm sure dreamingoftigers will be OK too. We're all in the same boat.
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