nickh Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Been seeing a 36 year old woman for a month or so. She has been pretty judgmental about my past -- I've dated a lot, slept around -- she hasn't. She's only had one significant relationship in her life. He adored her -- she didn't love him back. Problem is, that dynamic went on for FOUR years. She says she got addicted to having someone worship her. Seems narcissistic -- even cruel to me. She's also fond of reminding me she often gets hit on, and recently told me one of her married friends sent her emails describing his sexual fantasies about her. She's still in touch with him. I know beautiful women always have orbiters, and I've made it a point not to react to this stuff, but the married guy bit just sounds sleazy to me. She is smart, attractive, and treats me well -- and is very affectionate, which I like. But I'm thinking of pulling the plug on this one -- just curious if anyone has any advice.
Cee Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Why break up? It's only been a month. And you said she's smart, attractive, and treats you well. I don't see a giant red flag here except that you both are fault finding too early in a relationship. Perhaps you don't like her and are grasping for reasons to break up. I feel like there's more to this story. I dunno.
Author nickh Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 like I said: She is smart, attractive, and treats me well -- and is very affectionate, which I like I get what you're saying though -- when I saw what I had posted in black and white I asked myself the same question lol I also don't want to hurt her. She tells me all the time how crazy she is about me and has already told her family about us seeing each other.
Author nickh Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 Why break up? It's only been a month. And you said she's smart, attractive, and treats you well. I don't see a giant red flag here except that you both are fault finding too early in a relationship. Perhaps you don't like her and are grasping for reasons to break up. I feel like there's more to this story. I dunno. Thanks for your reply Cee. In fact I like her quite a bit and would be upset if I broke up with her. You don't think the emails and the relationship history should be setting off alarm bells?
brainygirl Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I don't think you should hold her past against her any more that she should holds yours against you. So it seems to be the relationship dynamic is a bit off already. I think its odd for her to tell you these things that would make you uncomfortable or jealous, unless its meant to get you both hot and bothered and you aren't in on the game. You mentioned her age - how old are you?
Cee Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I think you could sabotage a good thing by finding reasons to break up. I suggest that you focus on her and pay attention to how you feel with her. If you have feelings and want to keep seeing her, then keep seeing her. As for your reasons to break up, let me break it down for you as I see it: Her comments about getting hit on are a childish way of making you appreciate her. I would put that in the small character defect category and ignore it. As for the married man, the guy is a louse, but my guess is she hardly sees him. You could have a talk that this man has no boundaries and it bothers you that she enables him. As for her and your sexual history, it's a wash. You slept around and she led a man on. It's in the past and not really any of her or your business. How you act in the present is what matters.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Thanks for your reply Cee. In fact I like her quite a bit and would be upset if I broke up with her. You don't think the emails and the relationship history should be setting off alarm bells? if shes telling you about the emails, shes trying to get a reaction out of you, because she knows you wont react to that. She is trying to get you to worship her like the last guy, or trying to get you to dote on her more, but youre doing the right thing by not giving her more attention that you are already. She probably doesnt know where she stands, and might be trying to control the relationship by having control over you. Its not working, and good for you! But If this turns you off, and you have that gut feeling that something is wrong with her, that is reason to break it off. But shes jumping through hoops for you to get your attention, so you have the upper hand right now. You will have to throw her a bone once in a while, as long as you dont fall for what she is doing. You can shut it down and tell her "hes emailing you again? go give him a lil somethin already" THAT will kill her game permanently, because she knows shes just using that guy for attention and she'll never do it.
Author nickh Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 I don't think you should hold her past against her any more that she should holds yours against you. So it seems to be the relationship dynamic is a bit off already. I think its odd for her to tell you these things that would make you uncomfortable or jealous, unless its meant to get you both hot and bothered and you aren't in on the game. You mentioned her age - how old are you? I'm 43. Old enough that hearing her tell me about these things seems a bit childish
Emilia Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 if you enjoy her company and if she doesn't make you feel bad I'd give it at least another month. what have you got to lose? clearly she isn't very experienced at dating and people can come across badly in the beginning because sometimes they try too hard. I'd say stick around for a while longer
Author nickh Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 I think you could sabotage a good thing by finding reasons to break up. I suggest that you focus on her and pay attention to how you feel with her. If you have feelings and want to keep seeing her, then keep seeing her. As for your reasons to break up, let me break it down for you as I see it: Her comments about getting hit on are a childish way of making you appreciate her. I would put that in the small character defect category and ignore it. As for the married man, the guy is a louse, but my guess is she hardly sees him. You could have a talk that this man has no boundaries and it bothers you that she enables him. As for her and your sexual history, it's a wash. You slept around and she led a man on. It's in the past and not really any of her or your business. How you act in the present is what matters. Thanks again Cee. I appreciate your perspective -- breaking it down this way makes sense to me.
brainygirl Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I'm 43. Old enough that hearing her tell me about these things seems a bit childish When I'm on the fence about continuing to see a guy I meditate on one thought: would I want him raising my children? That usually clears it up.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 It's not so much about "red flags," it's more about how much you dislike her behavior. If the negative outbalances the positive, then I would move on. But, since you do have positive things to say about her, I hope you will at least give a try to an open discussion about how certain behaviors of hers bother you. Ask her to stop sharing that annoying crap with you, and see if she is willing to respect your boundaries on that. I am guessing that she is flaunting her attractiveness to other men as sort of a half-assed defense in response to your "wild" past. She might be feeling insecure and reacting to that badly. If she is a reasonably mature 36 year old woman, some of this really could be resolved through open communication.
betterdeal Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 We all do and say things that annoy the other. Dealing with that is how to make a relationship work - feedback, open expression of your feelings, listening to her annoyances with you, agreeing on ways forward. Think of it as the fine tuning.
ccfan Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Been seeing a 36 year old woman for a month or so. She has been pretty judgmental about my past -- I've dated a lot, slept around -- she hasn't. She's only had one significant relationship in her life. He adored her -- she didn't love him back. Problem is, that dynamic went on for FOUR years. She says she got addicted to having someone worship her. Seems narcissistic -- even cruel to me. She's also fond of reminding me she often gets hit on, and recently told me one of her married friends sent her emails describing his sexual fantasies about her. She's still in touch with him. I know beautiful women always have orbiters, and I've made it a point not to react to this stuff, but the married guy bit just sounds sleazy to me. She is smart, attractive, and treats me well -- and is very affectionate, which I like. But I'm thinking of pulling the plug on this one -- just curious if anyone has any advice. I don´t know man... I think that you have a gut feeling telling you that something is not rigth, and if I learned something from my past exeperiences is to listen to the gut feeling before is too late ... I have to disagree with other posters that are saying that her behaviour is not that bad or only childish.. i see some potential reds flags there that are very likely to get worse with time as i´ve been in your exact shoes before... Call me old fashioned but i would definetely not allow a girl that I´ve been dating for a month (or even less to that matter) to be getting sexual emails from other guys, that´s plain wrong and she´s testing if she can get away with it as from what you are saying she probably did with the other guy... as soon as two people start dating eachother they should be respectful. period. And at 36, it sounds a little bit off to be playing those "games" specially at this early stage.... if i were you, i´d keep seeing her for a while and see what happens, but keep your guard up..
Author nickh Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 It's not so much about "red flags," it's more about how much you dislike her behavior. If the negative outbalances the positive, then I would move on. But, since you do have positive things to say about her, I hope you will at least give a try to an open discussion about how certain behaviors of hers bother you. Ask her to stop sharing that annoying crap with you, and see if she is willing to respect your boundaries on that. I am guessing that she is flaunting her attractiveness to other men as sort of a half-assed defense in response to your "wild" past. She might be feeling insecure and reacting to that badly. If she is a reasonably mature 36 year old woman, some of this really could be resolved through open communication. Thanks for your thoughts -- I will have a talk and see how she responds. My concern is that in my experience, when I have to have a talk with a woman about her boundaries, she's not a good match. My best relationships have been with women who shared my beliefs about boundaries between men and women.
alexlakeman Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Lesson learned; don't tell women you were a male-whore, dated a lot , etc.. lol.. I learned that veryyyyy slowly.. Now, "i've only had 4 relationships in the last 9 years" .. and in the last 3-4 months "just dated 2-3, first dates only".. lol ... Women are getting as picky as us guys and numbers... they start thinking diseases, etc..
jane100 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 (edited) NickH, in a new relationship alot of the time (after mutual attraction established!) all you can do is keep your eyes and ears open, I believe. When something doesn't "sit" right, this is even more the case. You don't have to sabotage but I think you have to stay extra-alert. Why would she accept sexual fantasy emails from a married man? Gloat about men oggling her? Is she a narcissist (a serious problem) - or just having some fun with you? Anyway you seem like you have your head screwed on .... and time will tell. Edited March 24, 2011 by jane100
Author nickh Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 NickH, in a new relationship alot of the time (after mutual attraction established!) all you can do is keep your eyes and ears open, I believe. When something doesn't "sit" right, this is even more the case. You don't have to sabotage but I think you have to stay extra-alert. Why would she accept sexual fantasy emails from a married man? Gloat about men oggling her? Is she a narcissist (a serious problem) - or just having some fun with you? Anyway you seem like you have your head screwed on .... and time will tell. Thanks again to all who responded. I did have a talk with her, one that did not go well. I said I couldn't understand why she would stay in touch with a guy sleazy enough to send her explicit emails while he was married. (he's now separated btw -- quelle surprise) She said he was harmless, she has told him repeatedly she's not interested, but that since he was in a different country it was really no big deal. I said I still couldn't understand it -- things got awkward, and I haven't heard from her in two days except for a very terse one-line email today thanking me for wishing her well during an interview. So we're basically not talking because of this. I'm really on the fence here. Thoughts?
iJester Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 If she can't handle adult communication then you definitely don't want to keep her around, unless you just want sex(which is also fine). Definitely don't initiate contact with her; start looking for other women. If I know attention whores, you'll hear from her soon enough.
Author nickh Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 If she can't handle adult communication then you definitely don't want to keep her around, unless you just want sex(which is also fine). Definitely don't initiate contact with her; start looking for other women. If I know attention whores, you'll hear from her soon enough. Yeah, I'm definitely not impressed with the silent treatment. Drives me nuts. I could tell she was a bit offended by my questions -- but I was being diplomatic -- just said I thought his actions were sleazy and I couldn't understand why she would stay in contact with someone like that. Never accused her of leading him on or anything like that. Feels like I've got to end this -- too bad though. We have a lot in common and we make each other laugh.
iJester Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 You don't have to end it. Just put it on the back burner while you look around some more. Let her contact you first, and if she doesn't, well, you've already started moving on.
yessy21 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 shes crazy about u because ur not that crazy about her. she wants to make u a little jelaous when she mentions these things. ... she might be great but theres something that she lacks that u want.
ccfan Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 (edited) Thanks again to all who responded. I did have a talk with her, one that did not go well. I said I couldn't understand why she would stay in touch with a guy sleazy enough to send her explicit emails while he was married. (he's now separated btw -- quelle surprise) She said he was harmless, she has told him repeatedly she's not interested, but that since he was in a different country it was really no big deal. I said I still couldn't understand it -- things got awkward, and I haven't heard from her in two days except for a very terse one-line email today thanking me for wishing her well during an interview. So we're basically not talking because of this. I'm really on the fence here. Thoughts? nick ... she´s testing you brother, she playing a mindgame and is trying to see how much she can push you and have you coming back to her... i´ve been there too. Let me say this very clear: It´s NOT ok that a girl that one is dating is getting sexual emails from another guy. There´s no way around it. What´s bothering me about your situation is that she´s minimizing that fact, almost like she somehow likes getting the atention of this guy, and the fact that she says that he lives in another country and is kind of impliying that she´s cool with those emails is a huge red flag in my opinion. Now on top of things she went into a mini no contact with you to see if or when you are going to break and call her again hopefully asking for forgiveness, i have to say that if you do it she will have you number for the rest of the relationship. Your best bet is to stay away until SHE calls you back, and until SHE admits that no matter how she might want to spin it: it´s not ok to get those sexual emails. If anything you are too good with her already as most guys would have sent her to hell already for playing those mind games. I think you deserve someone better man, someone that is not telling you how many man are hitting on her, or that it´s not a big deal to get "hot" emails from a married man. Edited March 25, 2011 by ccfan
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