fridaysignguy_1 Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I could really use some advice... I have no idea how to handle myself here... Sorry for the lengthy post... My girlfriend and I have been together about half a year. We're both in our 40's and we feel very lucky to have found each other. The problem started when I got a really big job in my business and asked her if she wanted to help out. I was going through a depression at the time and as a result I was neglecting much of my responsibilities. She was growing increasingly frustrated watching me have such a seemingly laid back attitude. I told her this has happened to me before but it will be short lived. I told her I will be back to "normal" in no time and to look at what I have done in the past to see how I am. However the stress was too much on us and we ended up breaking up. But being in love, we had a very difficult time being apart and wanted to be together. We had many phone conversations and determined that in order to make it work it would require a lot of hard work; we were ready for it. We decided that we would get together last Friday for a sleepover. However before Friday came, in conversation she asked me how "that job" was coming along. When she brought that up I felt this horrible flood of insecurity come over me. That experience left me feeling like I was a "loser" and that my girlfriend and I broke up "because I am such a loser". I know this isn't actually true, but the thoughts struck me hard. I asked her not to talk about the job until it was completed--probably another two weeks. She rebutted saying that couples need to talk about everything. I agreed that she was right but until the job is actually completed I really can't talk about it as it very difficult for me. After a lot of debate she agreed not to bring it up on Friday. I asked her a simple question: "do you promise?". She protested saying she won't make any promises as she might "slip". At this point, this whole thing took on a life of its own... I was greatly distrubed that she didn't want to make an actual promise. So I asked her what the problem was. She told me that I have really "rubbed it in her face" about another promise she once broke and doesn't want that to happen again. I told her that if I "rubbed it in her face" I am sorry. Yet she still refused to promise saying that she could "slip". I told her that a "slip" is not really breaking a promise but I still needed that promise as this is my greatest insecurity and it really stresses me. She still refused. She said the best she can do is try her very best in not bringing up the subject on Friday and that if she does "slip" all I have to do is give her a "look" and she will shut up. I thought to myself that that is fine but what is the problem with the simple promise? This escalated to the point where we didn't get together on last Friday... And I really think it's over for us. The problem I'm having is that in the evening on Friday she sent me various texts saying "you threw away our relationship", "I am damaged beyond repair", "you only think of yourself", etc... I really do not feel that I did anything wrong but with these messages I can't help but wonder if I did... Does anyone have any advice they can give????? If I am in the wrong I would like to apologize. However, I really can't talk about that project till it is completed. Thanks in advance...
PegNosePete Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I think you need to sort out your issues before being in a serious relationship. If you cannot talk about the job then you are clearly not ready to share your life with someone. Insisting that she promise not to talk about a certain subject is a little immature. If she says she will not, then what difference does it make if she says the word "promise"? IMO her reaction to your demands was also immature though, it's almost like she's trying to pre-emptively make excuses for deliberately mentioning it.
robinseggblue Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 If she was really really interested in making things work, I don't think she would have been making a fuss about the word "promise". For example, if you two had been apart for a year or so, and she had sorta come to terms with the fact that she may have lost you, and then you bumped into one another and you set up a sleep over, do you think at that point that she would be making a fuss over one word? She would probably realize that it was important to see your side of things. I don't think she's giving your issues equal weight at the moment.
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