greengoddess Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Do you feel it is the betrayed spouses fault that you are not with your true love? Are they manipulating your love to keep the marriage? Are they using the children to keep their marriage intact? If not for the manipulation of the betrayed spouse would you be living your happy ever after?
TigerCub Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Do you feel it is the betrayed spouses fault that you are not with your true love? Are they manipulating your love to keep the marriage? Are they using the children to keep their marriage intact? If not for the manipulation of the betrayed spouse would you be living your happy ever after? Been out of the A for a while.... But NO - I honestly felt bad for her most of the time - she sacrificed her youth, her body, her life to give xMM 2 kids, and what did he do? cheat on her repeatedly. There were plenty of purely sexual flings before we had our EA - turned (somewhat) PA. When I was in longing mode, sure, I was blinded by my pain for him and I kinda envied her (because she "had" him) - but mostly I felt bad for her - I never blamed her for anything. I'm a true believer that people are exactly where they want to be - so I never felt she manipulated him, tricked him or anything else - he made his choices and he was where he wanted to be (the reasons: kids, finances, whatever) don't matter because in the end - it was his choice and I always knew that - I always knew it was upto him. 1
YellowShark Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Do you feel it is the betrayed spouses fault that you are not with your true love? Are they manipulating your love to keep the marriage? Are they using the children to keep their marriage intact? If not for the manipulation of the betrayed spouse would you be living your happy ever after? How can one paint the victim in an affair - (the BS) - as the villain in the affair? Seems like a really twisted perspective to justify the affair. 1
findingnemo Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Do you feel it is the betrayed spouses fault that you are not with your true love? Are they manipulating your love to keep the marriage? Are they using the children to keep their marriage intact? If not for the manipulation of the betrayed spouse would you be living your happy ever after? No..it is not the BS' fault at all. It is quite possible that had BS known the truth, she would have left voluntarily a long time ago. I also doubt that she is manipulating him in any way. He has never said anything bad about her and frankly it would have been to his advantage. Would we live happily ever after? You mean like Sleeping Beauty and the Prince? Funny you should ask that. I just posted my decision on how to proceed with my mess of a love life. I obviously have no expectations whatsoever of any good coming out of this.
Silly_Girl Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I lay some blame at her door for the state of their marriage. I was upset at some things she said to make him feel bad/try and convince him to stay after he'd been pretty darn good to her through a lot of things. It wasn't her fault if he was choosing to linger however. He had options, she just made things harder.
Silly_Girl Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Do you feel it is the betrayed spouses fault that you are not with your true love? Are they manipulating your love to keep the marriage? Are they using the children to keep their marriage intact? If not for the manipulation of the betrayed spouse would you be living your happy ever after? How did you feel about blame possibly being apportioned to the BS in your situation, gg?
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I thought that way about one particular man I was with. I really did hate his soon-to-be-wife and felt like she was an obstacle. Of course, I was really young at the time and didn't know any better. I was 'green' to the OW thing at that time and was still learning how to separate and partition the roles that the W played the role that OW played. There would not have been a happily ever after no matter how much at the time I wanted there to be one. I was just shy of 18 and he was in his late 30's. That would have lasted.
Got it Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 No, he is fully capable to handle himself and his decisions and is not a child. It was never about her. It was about the family and the children but I was never threatened by her or any feelings tied to her.
Spark1111 Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Do you feel it is the betrayed spouses fault that you are not with your true love? Are they manipulating your love to keep the marriage? Are they using the children to keep their marriage intact? If not for the manipulation of the betrayed spouse would you be living your happy ever after? fBS here.... And just like there are all different kinds of BSs, MAP, there are different kinds of OW/OM. IMO. Yes, I believed she blamed me for many, many things. I believe she competed with me, unknownst to me. I believe she fueled his negativity towards me in an effort for him to choose the better partner, which of course, she wanted to be her. Some people are just angry blamers. When I confronted her about breaking NC at his office 2.5 years after DDAY, where she wanted to know if he was still interested, guess what? She blamed him, saying she was lied to profusely and daily! She was. But them why try to re-initiate the affair two weeks earlier? I think it goes more to a character trait in some people: Everyone else is to blame with all that is miserable in their lives, and is not specific to OW/OM.
Jane Deaux Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 In my situation, the W does not know. But I don't think were she to know she would be manipulative. In fact, I think she would insist that he leave. I would only hope, that although she were not trying to be manipulative, that she would not be angry enough to keep his children from him or turn them against him. They are one of the main reasons he stays. In his words, "kids change everything for me. One eff up and I can't raise them or even worse they hate me. That's it. I gotta have them". So while I know it is about more than that, I still understand that that's the biggest part of it. Oh look, I'm off topic. Anyway, No I don't think she would be manipulative, not on purpose. But an angry BS has more power than we would like. Especially where kids are concerned. And then also, when the reality is staring you in the face, your perspective changes. You realize this is someone you loved for a long time, and you begin wondering and realizing that this means you are losing them for good. Someone you care for and enjoyed in your life. And just because you aren't in love with them, you may still love them a lot. And you will Miss them. A lot. And that is one of the reasons a WS is so confused when it comes time to leave. They are losing a good friend usually. Not always, I know, but a lot of the times. Dang, off topic again. Sorry. ..
2sure Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I dont think many OW would be comfortable saying the words: I blame BS - even to themselves But they often do. When they say: She begged him to stay/come back, so he had to She is unable to take care of herself , so he has to. She controls and manipulates him with the children. Its all the same
OWoman Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 She begged him to stay/come back She did. I have copies of the emails, the letters, the voicemails. She is unable to take care of herself She was. During their earlier separation she fell apart, even tried suicide, and it was really hard on the kids. She controls and manipulates him with the children. She tried. I heard, saw, witnessed. She did her damnedest. But it didn't work. Why is describing what happened tantamount to "blame"? If a BS begs a WS to stay, why does stating that that happened imply blame? I'm sure many BSs do beg the WS to stay. Ought one to blame them for that? Or simply accept that they fear the unknown, and accept it for what it is? Perhaps, in some parallel xW universe, she is blaming me, thinking he left because I manipulated him - that I begged him, fell apart, or used (her) kids to manipulate him, and that if I hadn't, he'd still be with her. Who knows? I'm not about to lose any sleep over it either way.
Brokenlady Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I dont think many OW would be comfortable saying the words: I blame BS - even to themselves But they often do. When they say: She begged him to stay/come back, so he had to She is unable to take care of herself , so he has to. She controls and manipulates him with the children. Its all the same Ditto Owoman on that one. The BS in my case did all the above. But being manipulated only works if one lets it work, so it all comes back to the MM. The fact that my xDM couldn't completely let go of of his xW is all on him. I see her efforts as more than a little pathetic, but then again, it worked to a small degree....maybe that was enough for her. (shrugs)
desertIslandCactus Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 =OWoman;3304789]She did. I have copies of the emails, the letters, the voicemails. She was. During their earlier separation she fell apart, even tried suicide, and it was really hard on the kids. And you admit it? (sad) She tried. I heard, saw, witnessed. She did her damnedest. But it didn't work. Why is describing what happened tantamount to "blame"? If a BS begs a WS to stay, why does stating that that happened imply blame? I'm sure many BSs do beg the WS to stay. Ought one to blame them for that? Or simply accept that they fear the unknown, and accept it for what it is? Again, we're talking about a closed M here. Whatever your perceived reasons for their M, you're not the rescuer, merely the intruder. Let's just say MM acted like a stray doggie, and you were supposed to be the so-called rescuer. It doesn't make it right. And his wife had every reason to feel her M was secure, excepting for the fact (as you've mentioned) .. he had done it before - and now again, with you. Perhaps, in some parallel xW universe, she is blaming me, thinking he left because I manipulated him - that I begged him, fell apart, or used (her) kids to manipulate him, and that if I hadn't, he'd still be with her. Who knows? I'm not about to lose any sleep over it either way. Whether she is blaming you or not .. there's only supposed to be Two in a M.
anne1707 Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I dont think many OW would be comfortable saying the words: I blame BS - even to themselves But they often do. When they say: She begged him to stay/come back, so he had to She is unable to take care of herself , so he has to. She controls and manipulates him with the children. Its all the same My stepmother, ie the OW in my parents' marriage repeatedly telephoned and harassed my mother whilst my parents were going through all the will we/won't we stage after dday as witnessed by my brother and I. My father eventually left my mother believing my stepmother's version of events that she never ever called and my mother was making things up. If I ever attempted to tell the truth, my stepmother totally undermined me saying I was jealous/stirring/causing problems/sticking up for my b*tch of a mother. Thirty years later, I know I told the truth. I know my stepmother (ie the OW) did not. She manipulated my father into believing everybody else was lying except her. Nice.
OWoman Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 And you admit it? (sad) Admit what? Her suicide attempt was entirely her own doing, long before I even knew either of them. She left the M, then realised she couldn't cope on her own, and tried to kill herself. It's sad, sure - but I've no idea why you think it's my fault that a woman I didn't even know, in a country I'd never been to, decided to attempt suicide. That's some pretty weird logic, IMO... And his wife had every reason to feel her M was secure, excepting for the fact (as you've mentioned) .. he had done it before - and now again, with you. I've no idea where you got that notion from, but you're wrong yet again! He had not had cheated on a BS before. SHE had. So, probably, she had EVERY reason to believe an M could be vulnerable to cheating. After all, that's how she used to operate. Why should she expect better of anyone else than she was prepared to deliver? :confused: Whether she is blaming you or not .. there's only supposed to be Two in a M. Not according to her own modus operandi - or she'd have gotten D instead of indulging in infidelity herself.
fooled once Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I dont think many OW would be comfortable saying the words: I blame BS - even to themselves But they often do. When they say: She begged him to stay/come back, so he had to She is unable to take care of herself , so he has to. She controls and manipulates him with the children. Its all the same Agreed....... whatever problems are in a marriage are between the 2 married people. Period. Unless you (general you) are sitting in the house, day after day, year after year, witnessing the interaction and the marriage, no one else can say what a wife did. Most usually only hear what is being said from the MM, and I would guess that many of them don't admit their part in any problems.
Amour7 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 TigerCub, remember how you posted jokingly that we must have been involved with the same MM? I think we felt the same (and I still feel the same) toward his BS, too... Uncanny... Been out of the A for a while.... But NO - I honestly felt bad for her most of the time - she sacrificed her youth, her body, her life to give xMM 2 kids, and what did he do? cheat on her repeatedly. There were plenty of purely sexual flings before we had our EA - turned (somewhat) PA. When I was in longing mode, sure, I was blinded by my pain for him and I kinda envied her (because she "had" him) - but mostly I felt bad for her - I never blamed her for anything. I'm a true believer that people are exactly where they want to be - so I never felt she manipulated him, tricked him or anything else - he made his choices and he was where he wanted to be (the reasons: kids, finances, whatever) don't matter because in the end - it was his choice and I always knew that - I always knew it was upto him.
Silly_Girl Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 And you admit it? (sad) This is interesting. Why shouldn't owoman 'admit' facts on an anonymous forum... Do you prefer to lie?
Author greengoddess Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 owoman I am seriously shaking my head here in confusion. You blame the bs for not being with him and yet you ARE with him. He wasn't one of these guys with excuses for not leaving. So how is it bs's fault? You go on about her trying to commit suicide and yet this was when you were not even in the picture yet? Were you ever really an other woman?
TigerCub Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 TigerCub, remember how you posted jokingly that we must have been involved with the same MM? I think we felt the same (and I still feel the same) toward his BS, too... Uncanny... That's too funny Hey, if you're in Ottawa too - we should talk - it probably is the same guy haha
Lorelei_Lane Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I'm a BS, but the OW in my situation was actually someone I considered to be my best friend. She lived in another state, so the affair was brief (I caught on quickly) and was only emotional (a lot of omg I love you, stuff like that). She blamed me for the affair, said I was keeping him from being truly happy, etc. I "coerced" him into marrying me (it was his idea) and things like that. My husband wasn't the first person she did this to either, she had toyed with other men before my hubby and was in a long term relationship at the time of the affair. My husband said she blamed me for a lot of things and she continues to blame me for the affair, saying that it was my fault because I wanted the two of them to get along (I mean, they were my best friend and husband, who wouldn't?) and I opened the door for her to pine for him. My husband chose me over her, and she still blames me for that too. Seems I convinced him she was the bad guy Like I said, I'm a BS, but I know what my OW said in the situation with my husband, b/c she said it to him AND me.
donnamaybe Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 (edited) I'm a BS, but the OW in my situation was actually someone I considered to be my best friend. She lived in another state, so the affair was brief (I caught on quickly) and was only emotional (a lot of omg I love you, stuff like that). She blamed me for the affair, said I was keeping him from being truly happy, etc. I "coerced" him into marrying me (it was his idea) and things like that. My husband wasn't the first person she did this to either, she had toyed with other men before my hubby and was in a long term relationship at the time of the affair. My husband said she blamed me for a lot of things and she continues to blame me for the affair, saying that it was my fault because I wanted the two of them to get along (I mean, they were my best friend and husband, who wouldn't?) and I opened the door for her to pine for him. My husband chose me over her, and she still blames me for that too. Seems I convinced him she was the bad guy Like I said, I'm a BS, but I know what my OW said in the situation with my husband, b/c she said it to him AND me.It's good you didn't buy into any of that. She obviously MUST have that line of thinking to maintain her "I'm so much better than her" delusions, otherwise, she would have to admit to herself that your H actually chose you over her. Edited March 24, 2011 by donnamaybe
Lorelei_Lane Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 It's good you didn't buy into any of that. She obviously MUST have that line of thinking to maintain her "I'm so much better than her" delusions, otherwise, she would have to admit to herself that your H actually chose you over her. Honestly, after taking huge steps back and looking into her personality with an unbiased attitude... there are a lot of things wrong with this girl. One of her ex's, which was a friend of mine at the time (since then I've gone NC as he was getting a little weird) told me some stuff about her and how she is that explains why she blamed me and everyone but herself for what she was doing... I sort of pity her now that I see who she really is. The more time that goes by since my last conversation with her, the more my hatred of her turns into pity. She's one of those girls that dates guys from other states, she never dates anyone close by. I think she does that to keep them under her control, to keep them in "check" so to speak. And after about a year, she gets "bored" with them and starts her flirting with other men. This time, one of the men just so happened to be my husband. Once I showed him I was willing to live without him, he decided that he really didn't want to end our marriage and asked me to come home so we could work things out. It's been almost two years now. I don't know, I don't think I'll ever fully understand this girl... but I don't buy into her bullsh*t anymore, that's for sure.
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