justfox Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 2 years ago, I began dating a friend who I had known for a long time. We both had very serious feelings for each other, and fell in love quickly. We agreed that our intentions were to marry some day, and that we wouldn't be together if that wasn't what we wanted. We adored each other, and he was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I loved that he worked hard and that he was invested in his professional future, and that he saw me in this plan. He and I had set boundaries at the beginning, since, being somewhat religious (Jewish), we agreed that he would take time to observe the Sabbath, and that this would be enough for me to feel grounded in our relationship. I remember how elated I was when he told me he had changed his work hours so that he wasn't available past 4 on Friday afternoons. I knew that it was a big step for him, and I thought that our whole lives were coming together in this amazing way. And I guess that at that point, they really were. But over time, around last Fall, he became more and more focused on work. He wouldn't stay at my apartment, because he didn't feel he was productive enough (and because he didn't like my roommates). He didn't go to services with me, or try to build any kind of religious life with me. He would spend 18 hours a day in front of his computer. I was concerned, and I was also irritated that he couldn't give me the same attention that he once had. I realized that I was running the relationship myself, and that if I didn't coordinate everything, and call him, and come to his house, that there wasn't one. At that time, I was working in his city, and needing to stay at his house to save on gas, so it wasn't like there wasn't a routine, but then as soon as I found a place in the area to move to, I took it. He had expressed no concerns about this, and he hadn't been irritated with the amount of time I was spending over there or anything. I knew that things weren't the best ever, and that he was really really involved with work, but I'd seen things improve before, so I hoped that it was just a specific project, or some kind of relationship boredom patch that we were going through. And then, right after I'd moved, he didn't call me for 2 weeks. He didn't respond to any efforts I made to contact him. I didn't contact him relentlessly, maybe every other day. And then last night, he called me and asked me to meet him somewhere for dinner. He told me that for almost all of our relationship, up until very recently, he had been intent on us being together and headed toward more permanent things. He said that he'd meant everything he'd ever said to me, but that he didn't feel that way anymore and that his life was going in a direction where he is completely focused on professional goals, and that what I want is no longer what he wants. He said that in this realization, the feelings he'd had for me went away. He said that I didn't do anything to cause this or make his feelings change, but that he just can't give me what I want in a relationship. I asked him directly if I had done anything, and he said that I hadn't. I asked if there was somebody else, and he emphatically stated that there wasn't. The things that I wanted for myself just hadn't changed, and his had, and I don't deserve the way I'm being treated, since what I want from a partner is realistic. He was very apologetic, and said he was really sorry for not calling for 2 weeks, and that doing so had been just the wrong thing to do and that I didn't deserve it. My heart is shattered. I've basically lost all of our mutual friends, and I don't really have any friends of my own anymore because our relationship was so long and he was the outgoing one. I have no idea what to do with myself. I haven't eaten at all. I went running, but I can't get myself to eat so I can only do so much. I keep seeing all of these little memories and things that don't have the same meaning anymore, and I keep thinking about how I'll never see his family again, and how horrible it feels to love somebody who has fallen out of love with you. I know that his goals have changed and that he did the right thing by breaking it off, but it still hurts and I hate that I love a person who doesn't exist anymore. He says I'm not responsible for his changes, but I can't shake the feeling that I am, even though he was a willing and devoted participant in most of this relationship. I just want to feel better enough to eat a little bit and not have to skip work so that I don't cry at my desk all day. Can somebody please help?
Hlep Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Hang in there, and go no strict contact for a while. Focus on youself, and YOUR career! Your guy sounds like a workaholic, and that obviously isn't always the best thing for a relationship. You sound like such a nice girl... religious and everything. You deserve something more, but focus on YOU first. Getting dumped sucks, that's why I'm here too. It has kicked my a$$ into gear though- pardon the langauge. I never felt so motivated to improve myself. DC is so beautiful this time of year. Keep on running and get outside and enjoy those cherry blossoms!! There's so much you can do there to take your mind off it!
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