Confused8687 Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Hi, everyone! I would like to thank you all in advance for taking the time to read my post and/or post a reply!! I am very, very greatful!! I am in such a big mess, and I just really do not know what to do! I'm confused and stressing so much because of it, and it's making me ill. I have IBS, so none of this is helping and I am in agony over it! Anyway, here is my story... In 2004, when I was 17, I met the love of my life, Josh, who was 18!! He was perfect. We were perfect. He was smart, sweet, completely in love with me and did anything for me. When I was in hospital he cried by my bed side, completely worried about me. He cried when we danced at a wedding once, because he said he could imagine himself marrying me and the song would be our perfect first dance. I know all of this counds pretty darn corny, but at the time, it made me fall more and more in love. There weren't many guys out there at this point in my life who were so in touch with their emotions and didn't just think about sex like my ex before him. We were always laughing, the relationship was romantic throughout, we loved each others families, we both had great friends to hang out with and we really were in love, for 3 amazing years! Everyone, including our parents, thought we were the ones for each other. However, after those 3 years, he finished with me, very suddenly. I didn't expect it at all, and I was in a really bad place. He gave me mixed messages, telling me we were too perfect and it freaked him out. That he could imagine us getting married, and then years down the line regret not having anyone but me (I was his first). He said that he was too young for the kind of relationship we had, and that he needed to be single for a while, but he still loved me more than I could know. In the end, I thought, "F**k him! If he wants to sleep around and think I'm not worth his time right now, I'll move on and forget him!" I did just that, by diving into another relationship with a man who is 8 years older than me, in 2007 (a couple of weeks after the break up). Dylan was mature, knew what he wanted in life - marriage, kids, a house, 2 cars, a dog, a cat. I was 20 and this was exactly what I wanted with my ex, so meeting someone that wanted the same things as me was amazing, at the time. It made me feel like someone wanted me, and to spend the rest of his life with me. He had his own business, and was doing so well. He had a nice car, a good future ahead of him, and he wanted to share it with me. 2 years later, on our anniversary in 2009, he proposed. It was one of the best days of my life. I was going to spend the rest of my life with someone who treated me right, gave me anything I needed or wanted, someone who loved me with everything they had and would never hurt me. Expensive holidays, gifts, going out to the theatre and dates and luxury long weekends. A year later, things started going down hill. We started taking each other for granted, as we moved in together soon after getting engaged. We argued more (not massive arguments, but things that never annoyed me before annoyed me more than ever). We stopped making an effort. We didn't really spend time together, although we were in the same room, watching TV or eating dinner, we were never wholly there together. We rarely went out, and if we did it'd be with friends or a group of people. We wasted our lives just sitting in his house (I say his house, because he insited on paying the mortgage) watching TV and eating, cleaning and sleeping. Our sex lives went down hill with the relationship. It started to feel like a chore for me. I didn't enjoy it as much. I'd make excuses after excuses until one night a month I'd run out of excuses and would have to do it. Sounds mean, I know. But when you see someone sitting around all day, and you're joining them in that llife, you don't feel attractive, and you certainly don't find them attractive anymore. While we were going through all this, my ex boyfriend, Josh, contacted me. He congratulated me on my engagement to Dylan and told me how happy he was for me that I had found someone who could give me what he couldn't. He was right. I started to wonder if I was only marrying Dylan because it's all I ever wanted from Josh?! We talked for hours, and it was like I was home where I belonged. We didn't talk about us or anything, just about random stuff. Just a friendly conversation with someone I hadn't seen in 3 and a half years. A lot had happened in both of our lives. He has lived a great single life, while I had lived a great commited one. A few months later, after trying and trying to get the spark back in Dylan and my relationship, I decided to call it a day, and I left his house and moved in with a friend. He took it really badly at first, but after 3 weeks NC, he started to realise his own mistakes as well as mine. While I was single, I saw Josh more and we hit it off straight away. Sparks were flying, and as I said before, it felt like home. I started seeing my mates again and going out most nights of the week and really having fun! The problem I have now is that somehow, and I don't know how, Dylan has manipulated the situation to being, "We'll start again, so we're not single, but we're not together, we're just trying again, and figuring out if we are in love!" But I enjoyed being single. And now, I'm freaking out because I feel like I'm in a relationship again, and if I "figure out" I'm not in love with him, I'm just gonna break his heart all over again!!! It's like a never ending relationship. Even when I've broken up with him, I am still with him! How did this happen? I really don't know. It went from, "we're single, but civil, so if we regret it, we can go back to being together" to "when we're out, we're still coming home to each other, even though we're not, literally. No kissing other guys/girls or it will be the same as cheating, as we want to work us out, not ruin us!" What the hell?? I didn't break up with him to still be attached, but he seems to have it in his head that we will get back together, even though he says "If" we get back together properly (the "if" is probably for my benefit). Please help me! I don't wanna break his heart again, so soon!! I just don't think it's going to work right now and he calls me every day!! He's freaking me out more, and pushing me further and further away! I just want to be single to sort my head out and have the chance to miss him, but right now, I just don't want to talk to him or see him. I don't miss him. And I don't think I love him anymore, but I'm confused in case that's him being so clingy that is making me think I don't love him! :-S Thanks, guys! and apologies for the looooooooong story!!!! =[ Any help will be much appreciated!! Thanks!!
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