aandd Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Hello, I too found this forum after looking for some answers/guidance Me – 45 W – 41 Children – Daughter 9 Son 6 Married for 10 years together 14 years I found out my wife had an affair and I not sure what to do. Before last year I thought we had no problems and nothing even entered my mind. last year we starting having problems and after pressing her I got the “I am not in love with you anymore speech” This floored me as I never expected this to be possible . I had read on other posts that this almost always means that there is another man. I guess a women’s way of admitting to something without really admitting anything. I little more background. We have a very nice life – We both have demanding but highly paid jobs (more money than we know what do with) We have 2 wonderful children, nice house, lots of friends, etc I might add that we had no abuse or drinking kinda issues. My only offense was that I could of paid more attention but I was not getting her attention much either - We both spend all our energies on work, talking care of the children and our house. I thought that was the normal marriage for people as busy as we were. My W was taking frequent business trips during the last few years and after telling me that she did not love me she was often depressed, angry, had crying fits – overall very emotional. We also nearly stopped having sex. I wanted to explain her behavior and thought at the time she could be having an affair. She is very attractive, works with lots of men and had business trips so the opportunity was there. I had no proof and we continued with these problems – up and down - sometimes normal and sometimes she was emotional and in bad moods. I tried many times to talk to her about what was wrong but she would never open up to me. Last Dec I received a phone call from an unknown women telling me my W was having an affair. After confronting W she denied it – I did not believe her and a few months later found emails on her computer she had saved – these emails had everything and actually I know too much - things I would of never known. OM is married and from the emails I saw he was not leaving his W. After confronting W with this she finally admitted affair. She claims affair is over but went on for nearly 2 years. I think she is telling the truth about being over but can’t be 100% sure as the OM still works in her company but now work in different departments. W does not want to end M and wants to see if things can get better. I still love my W but we live like roommates and I think she may still be in L with OM. I found out many details from emails – these are painful and hard to forget. My choice I to either leave now or stay and hope things can get better. We have 2 wonderful children and I am terrified what a separation will do to them. The children are close to both of us and my W is a wonderful mother. My W is not promising that it will get better but she says she will try. I am not convinced she will try hard enough. Thanks for any comments.
WorldIsYours Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Hello, I too found this forum after looking for some answers/guidance Me – 45 W – 41 Children – Daughter 9 Son 6 Married for 10 years together 14 years I found out my wife had an affair and I not sure what to do. Before last year I thought we had no problems and nothing even entered my mind. last year we starting having problems and after pressing her I got the “I am not in love with you anymore speech” This floored me as I never expected this to be possible . I had read on other posts that this almost always means that there is another man. I guess a women’s way of admitting to something without really admitting anything. I little more background. We have a very nice life – We both have demanding but highly paid jobs (more money than we know what do with) We have 2 wonderful children, nice house, lots of friends, etc I might add that we had no abuse or drinking kinda issues. My only offense was that I could of paid more attention but I was not getting her attention much either - We both spend all our energies on work, talking care of the children and our house. I thought that was the normal marriage for people as busy as we were. My W was taking frequent business trips during the last few years and after telling me that she did not love me she was often depressed, angry, had crying fits – overall very emotional. We also nearly stopped having sex. I wanted to explain her behavior and thought at the time she could be having an affair. She is very attractive, works with lots of men and had business trips so the opportunity was there. I had no proof and we continued with these problems – up and down - sometimes normal and sometimes she was emotional and in bad moods. I tried many times to talk to her about what was wrong but she would never open up to me. Last Dec I received a phone call from an unknown women telling me my W was having an affair. After confronting W she denied it – I did not believe her and a few months later found emails on her computer she had saved – these emails had everything and actually I know too much - things I would of never known. OM is married and from the emails I saw he was not leaving his W. After confronting W with this she finally admitted affair. She claims affair is over but went on for nearly 2 years. I think she is telling the truth about being over but can’t be 100% sure as the OM still works in her company but now work in different departments. W does not want to end M and wants to see if things can get better. I still love my W but we live like roommates and I think she may still be in L with OM. I found out many details from emails – these are painful and hard to forget. My choice I to either leave now or stay and hope things can get better. We have 2 wonderful children and I am terrified what a separation will do to them. The children are close to both of us and my W is a wonderful mother. My W is not promising that it will get better but she says she will try. I am not convinced she will try hard enough. Thanks for any comments. Dude, it's simple. Divorce your wife and take care of those kids. She's a serial cheater, and the fact that she takes "business trips" gives her a lot of opportunities for her to be a whore with other men. And not to mention the other red alarm is that she's unremorseful, and is doing nothing to regain your trust. If she was a wonderful mother she wouldn't be doing this type of destructive, immature, irresponsible behavior by spending time with random men when she's supposed to be working and spending family time with you and those kids. Divorce her and do a 180 on her. Find a real woman that will not hurt you and your family like this.
Author aandd Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 well the business trips are part of her job - not possible for her to quit right now - she has not been as remorseful as I expected and not doing enough to regain my trust - those are the reasons I may leave - I was willing to forgive but unless I feel she will put 100% into the marriage I cannot forgive or forget.
whichwayisup Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 My choice I to either leave now or stay and hope things can get better. We have 2 wonderful children and I am terrified what a separation will do to them. The children are close to both of us and my W is a wonderful mother. My W is not promising that it will get better but she says she will try. I am not convinced she will try hard enough. Since you say you two have alot of money, then she should quit her job and find another one. Even if she is unemployed for abit, you two should be fine moneywise.. Look, if she is willng to go do marriage counselling and give it her best to reconnect with you, help fix herself and the marriage, together you two can make it work. BUT, each of you HAVE to want to make it work. If she is staying for the sake of the kids but feels nothing for you, thinks that she can go on loving/wanting someone else and getting benefits of marriage, keeping the kids under one roof, forget it. Your kids will see this and pick up on that energy once they're older. Time will tell. You owe it to eachother as well as the kids to give it your best before throwing in the towel. If it doesn't work,then atleast you know you tried. to walk away without trying is something you both may regret one day. Have to ask..Is she remorseful for cheating? For betraying you? Lying to you? And you need to know if she still talks to this coworker.. Even if they aren't working together side by side, it's the same company, all the more reason for her to find another job.
WorldIsYours Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 well the business trips are part of her job - not possible for her to quit right now - Well the business trips is part of her methods of cheating, which in part has destroyed your marriage. If she gave a darn about the marriage and family, she'd quit. If she really cared, she wouldn't even be doing this mess. Plain and simple. she has not been as remorseful as I expected and not doing enough to regain my trust - those are the reasons I may leave - I was willing to forgive but unless I feel she will put 100% into the marriage I cannot forgive or forget. Which is why you must divorce her. And for most betrayed spouses, sometimes the pain is too much, even when the cheater is remorseful. But in your case, you just need to leave her. She's changed and she's not going to be the same. She's a serial cheater, which is a big ass red alarm. Take care of your kids and get your ducks in a row.
carhill Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Hi OP and welcome to LS My sympathies.... How long ago did the affair end? Does she have personal contact with the OM through work? Is his wife disclosed? Is it possible that the 'unknown woman' is the OM's wife? Is your wife willing to be fully transparent and attend marriage counseling (MC) with you? If you had to take a proactive first step today, what would it be? Tell us exactly what would happen if she quit her job today. Bankruptcy? Foreclosure? Poverty? That's remarkably like what a messy divorce is, along with the emotional death of the marriage. Everything we do each minute of the day is a choice. Your wife has made a lot of choices and so have you. What choice will you make today? Good luck
whichwayisup Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 well the business trips are part of her job - not possible for her to quit right now - she has not been as remorseful as I expected and not doing enough to regain my trust - those are the reasons I may leave - I was willing to forgive but unless I feel she will put 100% into the marriage I cannot forgive or forget. We both have demanding but highly paid jobs (more money than we know what do with) Part I bolded.. If she quit her job, financially you two would be okay. Something to think about. Fact that she isn't showing you much remorse, and isn't doing a hell of alot to regain your trust makes me wonder if the A is actually over. How can you even begin to trust her if she is not suffering any consquences or doing any changes to make things better? If you two are going to split up, she should be the one to leave and find another place. Have joint custody of the kids, but you shouldn't have to be the one to up and leave considering she's the one who cheated and seem to not want to put in the effort. Counseling together and for her to go alone is a MUST.
Author aandd Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 to answer some of the questions: I think the A ended more than 6 months ago likely longer. I found emails and from the emails it appeared over then. He still works in the same company and of course can still have contact - she claims he doesn't - but since I don't trust her I don't know 100% I have talked to her about quitting - she is highly paid but I also have a good job and we have savings - she would also likely find another good job anyway. The other wife was the one who called me and from emails she had known about the affair throughout - I suspect he tried to leave her and then backed off when the reality set it. W does not want to separate or divorce so I would have to leave the house. I would be be able to get at least 50% custody as my W needs me in order to continue her current job. I have talked to her about MC but she has been very negative but she says now she would maybe go. I am not sure what to expect from MC. I have come to accept worse case (divorce) and ready to move on - I think if she would of just left me then I would grieve and then start a new life but this seems harder as now the decisions are on me.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Try the MC, you have nothing to lose by it.
carhill Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 OP, since you have a sizable marital estate, long marriage and two children, I would strongly suggest getting legal advice before doing *anything*. Further, do not express intent/desire, in words or actions, to leave the marital home. Don't even mention it in passing. Get legal advice first. If such a conversation comes up in the interim, merely state 'I prefer to remain here in our marital home with our children'. If your wife refuses to attend a MC session, and I would suggest making that appointment tomorrow, file for divorce and have your lawyer do a very strong initial filing. Shock and awe. Essentially, this is consequences for her affair *and* for her current uncooperative behavior. She's likely a highly skilled, highly intelligent person and this will make her very angry. That's good. The goal is to present a strong and positive position. Either you and she will save the marriage to a healthy state or *you* will end it.
Duckduckgoose Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 What Carhill said. She doesn't deserve a faithful man if she can't be faithful herself.
Author aandd Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 I have already consulted with a lawyer and have been discussing a separation with W. She does not want this. I want to be 100% sure before leaving and I will push her for MC - as that cannot really make anything worse than it is. I get a lot of "I don't know" responses from her and she says she does not know if she can come back fully. she is quite dependent on me as I do more than 50% of child care (we also have a full time nanny) She also made comments how she was sorry and had no intention to hurt me as if she did not realize that it would. I guess someone that is completely selfish would think like that and having an affair is selfish and her life and marriage were good before. I am hurt that she had to have more - MY view is that it is up to her to save the marriage - I have done my part so I feel OK going forward and if a glimmer of hope to try and save the marriage and our family -
What_Next Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 1. There is no remorse. 2. She is not "sure" if she can come back to the marriage. 3. She has done virtually nothing to own her affair. 4. You are both financially secure. #1 through #3 are all deal breakers. You know what you have to do. Marriages can be repaired in the aftermath of an affair, it happens all the time. They also can be destroyed and divorce is the eventual outcome. Your wife has clearly made her decision. Are you sure this has been the only affair?
2sure Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Infidelity happens sometimes during the course of a marriage. And its a huge blow, a huge crisis. And like any other crisis in life - the only result is a turning point. One way or the other. A Turning Point requires some movement, some action - big change. Even if she never cheats again...thats NOT change. The change must be a better, stronger, happier marriage OR each of you pursuing being happier, better, & stronger living separate lives. Doing nothing, or at least one of you doing nothing means things just continue as they are. Your wife is going to have to do some heavy lifting regardless of the outcome.
carhill Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 OP, would you characterize your wife as unempathetic and emotionally distant? I find it extremely difficult to accept that someone would have a two-year affair and not realize it could 'hurt' their spouse. Then, there's the slew of 'I don't know'. That's obfuscation. She knows something. She's just not saying it. TBH, to me, unless she's a lawyer, she's been coached by one. Does she have any lawyer girlfriends? Beware of those You = 'I made an appointment for us next week for MC at xxx time. I know we'll have to take off work but our marriage is very important to me' Her (one potential) = 'OK, I'll arrange my schedule to go with you. Our marriage is very important to me too' Her (one potential) = 'I don't know. Let me think about it' Her (one potential) = 'I don't think MC can help us (adds reasons). I don't want to go' 1. Good. 2. Table it. See if she shows up. 3. File for divorce the next day. FTR, I don't believe MC is any sort of panacea. It isn't. It's a sign. If she declines to make a proactive, or even reactive, effort, to save and grow your M, there's your sign. You can analyze this until the cows come home but, in the end, if you want health, you must act. BTDT.
You Go Girl Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I agree with other posters that you insist upon marriage counseling. I would tell her that if she wants to save this marriage, she had better show a lot of enthusiasm for the MC too. Then I'd shut up right then and there and let things unfold. It has to sink in apparently with her that she isn't pulling 50% of the weight of keeping the marriage intact.
WorldIsYours Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I agree with other posters that you insist upon marriage counseling. I would tell her that if she wants to save this marriage, she had better show a lot of enthusiasm for the MC too. Then I'd shut up right then and there and let things unfold. It has to sink in apparently with her that she isn't pulling 50% of the weight of keeping the marriage intact. That's dumb. She's not even showing any remorse and doing nothing to regain the man's trust. Going to MC would be a waste of time and money.
Author aandd Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 OP, would you characterize your wife as unempathetic and emotionally distant? I find it extremely difficult to accept that someone would have a two-year affair and not realize it could 'hurt' their spouse. Then, there's the slew of 'I don't know'. That's obfuscation. She knows something. She's just not saying it. TBH, to me, unless she's a lawyer, she's been coached by one. Does she have any lawyer girlfriends? Beware of those You = 'I made an appointment for us next week for MC at xxx time. I know we'll have to take off work but our marriage is very important to me' Her (one potential) = 'OK, I'll arrange my schedule to go with you. Our marriage is very important to me too' Her (one potential) = 'I don't know. Let me think about it' Her (one potential) = 'I don't think MC can help us (adds reasons). I don't want to go' 1. Good. 2. Table it. See if she shows up. 3. File for divorce the next day. FTR, I don't believe MC is any sort of panacea. It isn't. It's a sign. If she declines to make a proactive, or even reactive, effort, to save and grow your M, there's your sign. You can analyze this until the cows come home but, in the end, if you want health, you must act. BTDT. Thanks for all of the advice – I know my situation sounds hopeless but things are always more complicated and not always cut and dry. I ended up with a big conversion with my W tonight. I decided to ask her about the MC to see which answer I received. I had expected her to refuse as I had brought it up before. She ended up breaking down and telling me that she had tried to call a doctor today. She has been very depressive and said she wants to see a doctor for her depression. She is not interested in me joining her yet and does not want a normal MC but a doctor or psychologist. She does seem messed up in the head with all this and she opened up a little about the affair – I think that she is depressed as she was dumped by the OM and now she is stuck in between – no OM and H that may file for divorce – I can accept this and just want her to be OK as we still have to raise our children no matter what happens in the end. I also still care for her and love her.
carhill Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Help her pick up the phone. If she feels she needs a doctor's help, go with that. TBH, if/when you get to the MC part, I'd recommend a MC who is a psychologist and is experienced in recovering M's from infidelity. Who is her primary care physician? Call them up and make an appointment for a physical for her. That physician can refer her for psych help as appropriate *and* she'll have a baseline physical and labs under her belt. Often, behavior issues can be rooted in our physical condition. Be proactive. She has expressed a desire for help. Your preference is to save this marriage to a healthy state and you're going to do everything within your power to do it. Remember, one positive step each day. It doesn't have to be big. You just shared today's positive step. Build on it.
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