returntome Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 (edited) Hi everyone. I've been a ghost of this site for quite some time now, but today I am in desperate need of advice. A few weeks ago I met a guy off of an online dating site. We ended up having four dates total -- roughly one to two per week. He lives about an hour away. We talked at least once a day on the phone, and texted and emailed each other often. He told me he spent all his time thinking about me. I was happy about this because I was doing the same. I usually waited for him to call me to not appear needy (I have been accused of this in the past) but I did initiate a few emails and texts during that time. On date 1 we talked about how we both always dated one person at a time. He mentioned that he is still friends with his most recent ex -- they broke up in January but she still has feelings for him. Date 4 involved him sleeping over and us having sex a few times. Neither of us asked if the other was seeing other people. I assumed that even if he were dating others that he wasn't having sex with them, otherwise he would have been obligated to tell me. Plus, I had talked to him about his schedule so much that I was confident he hadn't had time to date anyone else during those few weeks. The next morning, he leaves my house. That afternoon he begins hanging out with his ex. I got a text that night saying he missed me. The next night, he tells me over the phone that his ex stayed...for the night...as in, she came to see him around 3 pm the day he left my house ...and left the NEXT day at 11 pm. So total she spent roughly 32 hours at his house. I asked if he slept with her or kissed her. He says no. He adds that he told her about me. He also insisted he had no feelings whatsoever for her and just didn't think it was right to kick her out. He states multiple times that she is a very nice person and though he wanted her to leave he couldn't bring himself to tell her to. I then tell him calmly that I thought the situation was pretty weird, and I couldn't help but feel a little bit jealous about it all. I know that we weren't exclusive yet, but it just didn't seem right to me considering how truly deep and committed our relationship had seemed in such a short period of time. I ended the call and decide to try to sleep on it. I think to myself that I'm probably just overreacting, especially since nothing happened. He called back and left a voicemail saying that he lied--he did in fact fool around with her. At this point I'm horrified and disgusted and extremely upset. He adds in his voicemail that because we only dated four times and were not exclusive, he should not have to defend his actions to me. He later emails me telling me he completely understands why I'm upset, feels horrible about the situation, cares about nobody but me, feels nothing for his ex, and wants to talk things out with me. I have yet to respond to any of this--I'm just too mad. In my opinion, it was very slimeball-ish and disrespectful that he did sexual things with an ex the same day he did them with me. Plus I feel like I was deceived. I can't help but feel disgusted by his behavior. He had given me the opinion that we were on the fast track to something serious and significant. What are your reactions to this? Also, are there ever cases where exclusiveness can be assumed even though not spoken? Edited March 22, 2011 by returntome
Saphira Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 I still think it was wrong. You guys were dating and getting to the Sexual part. I also think were you stated "we did not talk about each other seeing other people." I think that should have been talked about at some point. I mean you too were going out and now having sex. That should have been the time to start deeming it a relationship or at least knowing what your relationship was all about (friends with benefits, BF/GF, or something) I think there was a lack of specific communication. And Although i guess you think it was not CHEATING. I still think it was wrong. and you dont need him. He obviously still has a thing for the ex girl.
blackmagik Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Well here is what I think about this. 1.) He "technically" wasn't cheating on you. Since you guys were not exclusive. However I still think it is super shady to do that to someone whom you "can't keep your mind off of". 2.) He did tell you about after he lied the first time. He didn't have to admit it and you would have been none the wiser so I would say that is a positive and a negative. He should have came out with the first time not lied about it at all. Him lying is basically admitting that he made a mistake. If he was following the technically not cheating part he would have told you right out of the gate. But he did tell you all this on his own accord so that is good. 3.) I would probably end things right here if it was me. If he could do it once, he could do it again. I know for one if I were to sleep with a girl there is no way I would ever go sleep with someone else ESPECIALLY the day after my relationship to the sexual level.
Star Gazer Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 When you're not exclusive, you don't owe anything to the other person insofar as seeing other people and fooling around with them is concerned SO LONG AS you don't lead them to believe they're the only one... Nevertheless, that doesn't mean that the other person doesn't also have a right to have their feelings hurt when you see/fool around with someone else. Your feelings are totally valid and underastandable. You're not overreacting. He lead you to believe you were going to be the only one he dated/slept with because he specifically told you he only dates one woman at a time. So, your expectations were fair. Then, not only did he go against his own word by hooking up with her about 12 hours after leaving you, he LIED about it. Doesn't matter to me that he ultimately came clean, because his gut reaction was to be deceitful and deceive you. In short, he's shady and slimy and I'd end it now and never look back.
tigressA Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Then, not only did he go against his own word by hooking up with her about 12 hours after leaving you, he LIED about it. Doesn't matter to me that he ultimately came clean, because his gut reaction was to be deceitful and deceive you. In short, he's shady and slimy and I'd end it now and never look back. I second this. I would end it pronto. The only reason he lied was to keep having his cake and eating it, too.
Author returntome Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 (edited) Thanks for the responses so far everyone. This is one of those situations where the pain is still pretty fresh and because I had developed feelings for him, I know I might not be thinking through things logically. It really helps being able to hear other people's advice from a more distant perspective. M. Edited March 23, 2011 by returntome
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 ended the call and decide to try to sleep on it. I think to myself that I'm probably just overreacting, especially since nothing happened. He called back and left a voicemail saying that he lied--he did in fact fool around with her. At this point I'm horrified and disgusted and extremely upset. He adds in his voicemail that because we only dated four times and were not exclusive, he should not have to defend his actions to me. He later emails me telling me he completely understands why I'm upset, feels horrible about the situation, cares about nobody but me, feels nothing for his ex, and wants to talk things out with me. I have yet to respond to any of this--I'm just too mad. Ewww. what a pig and a jerk! My red flag for you went up when I read that they broke up in January, she still likes him, wants him back and he still sees and keeps intouch with his ex. I knew as I was reading the rest of your post, they weren't 'over'. Fact is, he chose to LIE to you when you asked him. He could have been honest but he led you to believe nothing was going on and with that said, I doubt that was the first time they were together after the break up. Don't bother responding to him, as much as he deserves to be told he's a c,ock*******jerk-off, don't give him the satisfaction! Silence is golden and can say a million things..Make him wonder and hopefully he'll realize on his own what a jerk he's been.
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