Need /insight :) - Long post!

[monthofmay]

So this might take a little bit to read, but I would love to get some insight about my situation from some independent people. If you have some time to read I would love to get a reply. Thanks.

 

So about a year and a half ago my ex girlfriend, of almost 5 years, and I broke up. The reason why we broke up is because of me lying. We met in Undergrad in University and I had lied about some of my marks is classes that I had taken. So I was applying for jobs for after I graduated and I had my cv,resume, transcript packages all set up. She asked if she me if I wanted her to put into a good word for me at her firm, so I said yes, she told me to send her my application package so she could look it over. So I was in a dilemma here I could continue with this lie about my marks or just come clean. So I decided to just come clean, I sent her my package and didn't really say anything about me lying. So obviously she was gonna be pissed...I knew it...I didn't know how to react. We talked that night and over the next 2 weeks we broke up. She told me she couldn't trust me anymore, that she didn't see a future for us anymore, that we wasn't where she thought we would be, and that she fell in love with me partly because she liked how I was smart & confident.

 

We broke up and I was pretty beat up about it. I ****ed it up. I was totally in love with this girl, I wanted her to be my wife, I tried to include her into every aspect of my life. Except I lied...and I messed up a really good thing. I didn't want to talk to her, but she wanted to keep being friends. We tried a couple of times to just hang out and I think she was fine with it. One night we watched "Up!" together, it was a cute movie...but I felt awkward being alone with her. I was tangling with a lot of emotions...and after the movie I told her that I didn't think that I could be just friends. She told me she wanted me to be in her life and that she cared about me a lot. I told her I cared about her a lot too. That was the last time I spoke to her for about a year.

 

This past October she sent me a message over facebook asking how I was, but also asking me if I knew anywhere to get some pot. I told her I could get her some, because I would prefer her not going to meet some sketchy dude somewhere. So we met up, hung out for a bit, and then went our ways. This encounter wasn't so bad for me...I felt still a little awkward being alone with her, but I was more emotionally stable. A couple weeks after this she messaged me over facebook again asking if I wanted to go out with her and her friends on a Friday night. I told her no. She said she understood that it might be awkward. That evening she called me and asked if I wanted to smoke some pot with her. I said sure and she made her way over. She came over and was a little drunk, we hung out and I'm pretty sure she was having a lot of fun. I mean why wouldn't she we were just hanging out and she was in a great mood just coming back from going out for drinks with her friends. Again I think the emotions just got the better of me...seeing her two times so close together brought up a lot of emotions in me and I had to push away whatever feelings I had for her. Again I told her I don't think that I could be friends at that point, I still cared about her very much, but this whole situation was awkward for me.

 

Now, this past Saturday. I went out with my brother, my roommate, and a friend to meet some old co-workers at a bar. I got to the bar pretty late and guess who I see almost immediately...my ex. It's a bit awkward we're at the same bar, but I had always told myself that it was going to happen eventually. So the night progresses and my roommate/best friend was talking to her all night because he was interested in one of her friends. So she's around me all night, hanging out with my best friend, occasionally we'll say a few things to each other but I wasn't trying to have a conversation, and she's been getting pretty drunk. So the night comes to an end the bar has last call, and than I see her again all ready to go. So I approach her just to ask her if she had fun and that it was nice to see her again. We make some small talk and then she starts crying....it was somewhat emotional of a topic cause I asked how her grandma was doing and apparently she's having some health issues. So I told her it would be ok, wiped away her tears, I tell her we should catch up over coffee, she tells me to promise, I do, and we go our seperate ways.

 

I went back to my apartment to just hang out a bit with my roommate, brother, and friend. Started getting to bed around 3:49am at which time I saw that I missed a phone call from my ex a mintue ago. So I call her back, and she says that she's outside my apartment and I can hear in her voice that she's crying. So I go downstairs and let her in, and she immediately begins to bawl on my shoulder and says that "She misses me". We go up to my apartment, I grab her some water, and we go to my room. We lie on my bed together and I try to get her to calm down and we just talk. Eventually the conversation comes to dating, she asks me if I have a girlfriend...I tell her no...I tell her I've dated 3 different people since we broke up. She asks me if I slept with any of them I told her no, she asks if I havent had sex since we broke up...I tell her yes. She then proceeds to start kissing my neck, but I don reciprocate. I stop her and tell her that "this feels a bit weird". She stops and we talk a little bit while longer. At around 5 she says that she should go home, so I offer to walk her to her apartment which is only a 10 minute walk from my place...I only offered because a girl shouldn't be walking home by herself at that time. During our walk we talk as friends would do, she tells me that I'm a "nice guy" and that most guys aren't, that friends are fleeting and the meetings you have in life aren't usually that meaningful. We get to her apartment, and she asks if I want to sit in the lobby with her for a bit. I say yes, and we talk for a bit. Eventually she asks to cuddle, I say yes and we cuddle for about 45 minutes, 30 of which she's asleep on my while I'm hugging her. I wake her up and tell her to go to bed. She thanks me for taking care of her and asks me to text her so she knows I got back to my place alright. I get home, I text her, and then I sleep. The next day she texts me in the afternoon to thank me again.

 

My question is: was the whole reason that she called me on saturday night/sunday early morning a booty call or should I ask her if she still wants to get coffee?

 

I know that right now I don't love her or feel for her in the same way as I did before. She isn't the girl that I fell in love with anymore. I still care about her, but it seems to me that if we are to be friends we need to talk about some stuff.

 

Thanks for reading if you've made it all the way through. I'm sorry that this is so long...I haven't talked to many people about how I feel. I appreciate any advice anyone can give me.

 

Thanks

[depplover_1980]

Hey, that is short compared to some of the essays posted on here!

 

Very interesting scenario because somewhere between seeing her last October and then last weekend your feelings changed quite a lot. Had your feelings diminished before the weekend, or did seeing her so pathetic put you off her a bit?

 

It makes me wonder if you have simply grown as a person, learnt a lot about yourself and I suspect she hasn't changed, has been blotting it out with drink/drugs and that is the difference you are actually sensing. Give it a run over in your mind.

 

I would like to say that the original reason for splitting up is ridiculous and very shallow on her part. Your grades are simply grades, what came out of your mouth and your ambition was the true measure of how smart you were etc and they were the things she fell for within you - so for her to f u c k it all off on that basis makes me wonder what this girl is really about.

 

I will wait for your reply to my suggestion/questions before advising further.

[monthofmay]

Hey first of all thanks for the message back.

 

I guess my feelings have changed a lot since October, but I think it was more I was just getting used to not having her in my life like I did before. I would say that I felt that almost the same about her before the weekend, but some of the things that we talked about made me realize that she isn't the same person or at least no the same person I fell in love with. I wouldn't say that she seemed that pathetic to me, just sad about how her life had turned out, but it definitely put me off a bit.

 

Well I think I do agree with what you're saying that I've grown as a person, and learnt more about myself. I'm already a pretty introspective guy and I didn't feel that I had anyone to talk to about my situation because everything is subjective and not everyone has had the same experiences as I have. So since the break up I did a lot of self reflection, I have talked to my roommate/best friend and I think he does what any good friend is, he builds me up...tells me positive things about me. He has often said that "I am 'better' than she is in every aspect" or something of that nature.

 

The reason why she broke up with me and the fact that she didn't want to try to talk about it with me really hurt. She just said plain out these are the reasons and that's it...you can't change my mind. I've never really considered it from your point of view, but that does make me question why we began dating in the first place.

 

Hey, that is short compared to some of the essays posted on here!

 

Very interesting scenario because somewhere between seeing her last October and then last weekend your feelings changed quite a lot. Had your feelings diminished before the weekend, or did seeing her so pathetic put you off her a bit?

 

It makes me wonder if you have simply grown as a person, learnt a lot about yourself and I suspect she hasn't changed, has been blotting it out with drink/drugs and that is the difference you are actually sensing. Give it a run over in your mind.

 

I would like to say that the original reason for splitting up is ridiculous and very shallow on her part. Your grades are simply grades, what came out of your mouth and your ambition was the true measure of how smart you were etc and they were the things she fell for within you - so for her to f u c k it all off on that basis makes me wonder what this girl is really about.

 

I will wait for your reply to my suggestion/questions before advising further.

[depplover_1980]

I just wrote you a reply and it got deleted, I could cry with frustration!! So I will try again, but it won't be as good...

 

After checking you were together for 5 years I am certain that she used the grades as an excuse to break up with you. I suspect she was suffering from 'grass is greener' syndrome, found out the minor lie and split with you, which is why she refused to discuss it - as you would have found her out if questioned. Not sure how relevant it is to the present, but it may help you.

 

Your second post reassured me on what advice to give to you. I don't think you should arrange the coffee/catch up; simply because you are over her and moved on. You strike me as a calm strong man, who has done some good personal development and I don't think it is worth shaking your foundations. I think she would give you thoughts you could do without and attention that was unwanted. I strongly detect you are over her now.

 

Ideally we would be friends with our ex's but often realistically feelings are reignited, usually leaving one person wanting more than friendship (which in this case would be her). I think all things considered it would be a wise move to leave her in memories past.