wiz105 Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Sorry for the length. ….. Ok, here’s my situation. I just got out of a serious relationship of about 3 ½ years with a girl who told me constantly she wanted me to propose, which I always told her I wasn’t ready for due to a variety of reasons which I won’t go into, some mine, some hers. I’ve always been a direct communicator, I hate playing games, and I was always up front and honest. Anyway, so finally I did propose and she got wishy washy, and I found out that during the last month of our relationship she was cheating. It looked like we were going to reconcile, but then she just went off the deep end and started sleeping around with different guys. Basically she just really didn’t want to get married. I was crushed, but needless to say, it was the best thing that could have happened, especially since I dodged a huge bullet aimed at me. But on the downside, I now have some trust issues/insecurities with women I’ve never seemed to have before. Anyway, one of her hang-ups with me was she always accused me of having a crush on one of my friend’s best friends. Even to the point of when she would get drunk she would accuse me of it in front of her. Talk about awkward. Truth be told, I did have a huge crush on this girl, but I’m a good guy, I never acted on it, flirted with her, or gave her any reason to think otherwise. If we were in the same room, I would be polite, but never flirted with her. On one occasion she made a play for me, but I turned her down saying that I was with someone else and I don’t do that. I should mention that I’m mid 30’s and she’s mid 20’s so I’m almost 10 years older. So after splitting with my ex, my friend tells me that her friend is asking about me and is still interested. She told me on a scale of 1 to 10 in interest, it was a 10. My friend tells me that this girl is looking for a serious relationship, doesn’t date just to date, wants to settle down, have kids, etc. which is one of the reasons she’s into me is because she knows I want the same thing. I guess at her age, most guys don’t want those things. So after a couple months out of my last relationship, I ask for her number, tell her I’d like to ask her out, but wanted to take things slow/casual for a bit. She said she understood and gave me her number. So I called her about 4 or 5 days later to just talk some. Even though we’ve known each other a couple years, we’ve never really talked on a personal level. We talked for a couple hours, the conversation was great, lots of similar interests, no lulls in the conversation….all in all, a great chat. I ended by saying I should let her go as it was late and asked if she was coming to see her friend that weekend and maybe we could hang out some if she did (she lives an hour away and our mutual friend lives 10 min from me). She says she will let me know. She texts me the next day saying she is coming up, so all is good. I tried calling her the day before to tell her I couldn’t make hanging out during the day, but decided to jump in and ask her to have dinner that night to which she accepts. She met me at my place and we went to a nice restaurant, had a great dinner and good conversation. We end up going back to my place after and watching a movie (we’re both movie nuts). Nothing physical really happens, other than we’re sitting close together. We end the date early as she has a long drive and a dog to take care of and I got a hug goodbye. She texts me a couple days later. It turns out we’re into the same show and we’re both watching all the back episodes, so I told her I had all of the next season on Netflix, so we agreed to have dinner near her place a couple days later on a weekday (I work like 20 from her house) and then watch the dvds. That date went well, nice dinner, then we sort of snuggled on the couch. Still nothing physical. The date ends with that awkward pause at the door and I kissed her after which she giggled, which I took as a good sign. Her family was coming into town over the weekend so I couldn’t ask her out to do something that weekend, but we did talk on the phone and text some. Lots of talk about doing all sorts of stuff in the future, going to the city, traveling together, etc. So while her family is in town, my friend asks how things are going. I told her I really liked this girl for a while, and in getting to know her better, It made me want to see her more and more, like there really could be potential here (I was a little nervous of the age gap), and I wanted things to become more serious/exclusive. She told me that her friend said she had a great time with me, but wished I was more aggressive. I guess it’s not quite my style to be super aggressive, but I figured I should take the lead a little more. So we make plans to hang out the following week on another weekday. Dinner again and then more dvds at her place. A lot more snuggling, some kissing, hand holding, etc. She said she was tired after a couple episodes and since I had a long drive home, I offered to call it a night so she should rest up. She then says we can watch the next couple of episodes in the bedroom. I play dumb, but I said what if I fall asleep, I can’t leave my car on the street or I’ll get a ticket. She says well you’re staying over aren’t you? So I stay over. We fool around a little, nothing serious. I was more “aggressive” but I got a vibe that she was holding back, so I didn’t want to push too far. She did tell me that I could stay over whenever I wanted now though. So I woke up a half hour before she had to so I could get to work, kissed her goodbye and went to work. So I talked to her that night and we made plans to hang out again the next day. Similar date, though she wants to order in. After eating we snuggle up again on the couch. Some more kissing. After we finished one disc, she says shouldn’t I move my car off the street so I can stay over, which I do and we continue to watch our show in the bedroom. This time, before starting the dvd, we start making out and it goes past kissing. But here’s the thing. She’s like hot and cold the whole time. Like one minute she’s into it, then the next she’s sort of a non participant, which makes me feel kind of awkward and creepy. I ask her if everything is ok to which she says yes. So I back up a few steps, we start making out again and same thing happens. I asked again if she wants to talk about something, so I back off completely. She says everything is ok, and I asked if it was too much too soon? She doesn’t really respond, so I asked if she wanted me to go since I just kind of felt like she wasn’t telling me something. She seemed upset by this and says she wants me to stay, but if it’s what I want I can go. So I told her that I want to stay but I’m just getting a vibe that something is off and told her she can tell me honestly if something is wrong. Basically what I got from her is that she’s not been in any relationship in 4-5 years. She’s 24, so that means not since college. She’s been very school and career driven since. I do know the last relationship ended because she wanted something serious leading to marriage and a family, and the guy didn’t so she left the relationship. She said she’s been very independent since and is used to having her space and being alone and a serious relationship is a big transition for her. Also, she said that because she knew me prior, and even though she had an interest in me, she had to think of me as a friend because I was in a relationship, and that’s also a transition she’s never had to deal with before. She mentioned something about exclusivity, which I didn’t quite catch and that’s a big question I have on why she mentioned it. I didn’t know if she was saying she’s not ready for exclusivity or if she was fishing for me to tell her that I was only interested in dating her and no one else, being that I know she is supposedly interested in only a serious relationship. I am leaning toward she was fishing for me to say I was only interested in her, which I am and it’s what I should have said, but instead what I said was that I had been interested in her for a long time and that I liked how things were going between us and that if she wanted to slow things down I understood. Then, stupidly, because of some insecurities from my last relationship, I asked her if she was interested in dating anyone else and she said, with a little hesitation, no. Maybe because it’s like her showing her cards and I’m still holding mine. I told her that I’m an open communicator and if there’s anything we need to talk about or if she needs to ask me something to just ask and I left it at that. So we end up snuggling for a while after talking, just holding each other, and neither of us could sleep, so we popped the dvd again and started watching. I had seen the episode, so I was not paying attention. I guess I withdrew a little since I was confused about our talk, as she told her friend she wanted me to be more aggressive, but when that happened, she pulled back kind of hard. Then our talk kind of confused me. As she never really answered my questions directly, but yet, I guess I didn’t either. I was not prepared to have this talk yet so I guess I was just nervous, felt it didn’t go well, and I probably left her in more doubt. She sees I’m withdrawn some, so she starts giving me a lot more attention during the movie, trying to tickle me, get closer, etc. which she hadn’t done before. It was always me making advances. I told her things were good with me and we end up falling asleep. The next morning I was sort of in a mood, and I tried to leave kind of non-chalantly to see how she'd react after having slept on it, but she came up to me and gave me a big kiss (first time she’s ever kissed me first) and thanked me for not leaving and staying over. So I left and went to work. Now, we had tentatively made plans to hang out in 2 days on Saturday as Friday her friend, who recently split from a serious relationship, was coming over for some girl time. So I sent her a text on Friday night before bed saying sweet dreams (something we’ve been doing each night) which she responds to. Then the next day I didn’t hear from her, so I texted her at about 1pm asking how her night was and if she still wanted to get together later. She said she wanted to, but her friend was still there and they were going to hang out again that day but she suggested hanging out the next day instead. I understood having recently gotten out of a serious relationship , but it kind of annoyed me that she didn’t send me a text saying as much earlier, but I guess that’s my new insecurities showing through. Either way, I told her to call me Sunday. Sunday she texts me at 1pm, which at that point, I was out and about getting stuff done as I didn’t want to wait around all day for her to call. She asks if I still want to get together. I told her that I couldn’t during the afternoon, but in the evening I could. I also offered that since I knew she had a long weekend with her friend that maybe we should get together during the week instead so she could have some downtime for herself. She says she is coming to visit her friend who lives near me, and maybe we could get together after. I told her I could make her dinner. She accepts but then tells me that she forgot our dvds for the series we were watching at home and that we’ll have to get together next week to watch them, but she was going to come over at 5 for dinner. So I made her dinner and her favorite dessert, and we snuggled up on the couch and watched a couple movies. Her voice was hoarse from the weekend of going out to bars with her friend and drinking a lot with her, so we didn’t talk much, but we kissed a few times. She also said she was super tired and that she felt like she was getting sick. So at the end of the second movie, she gets up to leave kind of quickly. We kissed goodnight and I told her I would call her the next day, which was yesterday. I texted her yesterday morning to say I was thinking of her and I had a good time last night. She doesn’t respond, like she normally does. I figured she was busy, but it also got me a little paranoid as we've always responded to each other. So I am wondering if I should just send a text later telling her that since she had a long weekend with her friend and seeing me only yesterday, that I would call her tomorrow instead. But I felt like even though we hung out the day before that since Thursday things seemed off a bit, which is probably mostly in my head at this point, but none the less, I wanted to talk to her. So when I called she’s like completely lost her voice and she stayed home sick, though it was mostly just her voice that sounded bad, she said she felt kind of ok. I told her I wouldn’t keep her on the phone then so she could rest up, which she kind of tried to get off the phone quick. I wanted to ask when she wanted to get together next and she said she needed to get better first, but if she felt better by Wednesday, maybe we could get together then. So….all that said….where I’m at is this. I have a few questions to bounce off of everyone. She says she wants me to be more aggressive to her best friend, then when I am, she backs off. My friend’s husband thinks she is being wishy washy, but maybe she’s not all that experienced sexually as she’s only been in one serious relationship 4 years ago and maybe she’s a little nervous that I’m older and more experienced? Or that she is maybe keeping her guard up until she hears from me that I want to take things totally exclusive (which I do). I’m not after this relationship for sex. In fact, she’s the only girl I thought about dating after leaving my last relationship as we’ve always had huge chemistry between us and similar interests and goals, and we always have a great time together. So what would cause her to be wishy washy like this?We’ve talked/texted almost daily since striking all this up a couple weeks ago, and have hung out 2-3 times each week. Lately it seems like she’s pulling back some on her communication, especially texts and her initiating them. Is this her telling me to back off and give her some space since I know she’s not used to having anyone talk to her regularly/hang out regularly other than her girl friends or her mother. Or, is this her way of saying she wants me to pursue her more, likes the attention, and as a way to get me to tell her I want things to go exlusive?Basically, am I correct in thinking that she’s looking for me to tell her I want things to be serious with her and I don’t want to see anyone else (i.e. exclusivity), therefore I should purse more? Or should I back off and give her some space to process things (i.e. the whole transition in lifestyle for her from single to full on relationship, friends to more)? Or, does everything sound like it’s fine and all of this is just insecurity is in my head from the circumstances of my last relationship and I’m just overthinking things?Lastly, we left things off that I told her I hoped she felt better soon and to call me when she was well enough to hangout again. Is it too much to send a quick text saying I hope she’s feeling better to see how she’s feeling tonight, since she had proposed potentially hanging out tomorrow, to get a gauge on if that’s going to happen or not? Or should I just lay low and let her contact me next? I’ve been out of the dating pool for a while now, and it feels like I’m having to relearn all of the do’s and don’ts of dating all over again. Am I still on a good track or does it sound like things could be off track and I should have another talk with her soon? Any insight is appreciated.
Von Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 I actually read that whole thing haha. Getting physical with someone is not a fine art or something you need to be thinking so hard about. The quick answer is she wants you to have sex with her. Duh lol. No really, when she pulls back like that, she is TESTING you. Which you failed the tests. When she pulls back, don't pull back too and ask her what's wrong, tease her about it. Lightly though. Like say "dont be shy" in a cute way. Just go back in and start smelling her neck and hair. And say you love the way she smells. Do it for like 10 minutes. Then start kissing her again. Then pull back, and smell and caress her skin lightly. Then kiss her neck, then move down a little. If your getting positive signs, keep moving forward till the clothes come off and you have sex. If she ever pulls back just take it lightly and say something like, "oh I see, you can't handle my amazing kisses for more than five minutes huh... That's ok I can go REAL slow for you"... Then start kissing her again. Just don't put too much pressure on her, but don't get all upset when she pulls back either. making love is supposed to be fun. Only stop if she says STOP. Hope that helps.
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