abust1 Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Saw my ex out on St Patricks day. She was with her ex-ex. She was walking past me and I yelled her name but she completely ignored me. Then her ex-ex was following behind. I was in shock. What an embarassing setback. The drunkenness combined with the shock has blocked me from really remembering her face. It's like a hazy nightmare. I still can't believe the awful attachment I have to this person. It was about a year ago that she was finally moving out and I was hitting DEEEEEEEEP depression. I'm better, but I'm not even CLOSE to over it. I'm glad she ignored me, I just wish I had done the same. It was instinctual to yell her name. I also had a mini-setback a week or so before this when I saw her as a "mutual match" on a dating site. I didn't look at her profile, but it got the thoughts flying through my head about her being single. In my head she was still with the guy she started seeing while we were together, but apparently not. Now this. Part of me wants to tell her how I still feel, all the little things I miss and how different I feel about life. I want to tell her about my Grandmother dying, I want to hear about her life. I just want those quiet times back, where we could sit together comfortably without worrying about what the other thought. Getting to that point with someone new, especially given my attachment to my ex, seems impossible. Dating is such a pain, it feels so fake. Part of that is my fault, since I'm obviously not healed and shouldn't really be dating, but I am always honest with the other girls when it comes up. What am I supposed to do, go crawl in a hole and come out when I "think" I'm ready to date? This breakup, was so messed up. Some of the things that were said, the pathetic things I did. Good god. I've never told anyone the whole story, not even my counselor. Pathetic pathetic pathetic. I know we both had problems while we were together and this breakup had to happen. I had to go through this pain in order to grow up. Despite the underlying problems, we got along so well MOST of the time. I can feel the best in me coming out and I want to give it to her. I know it's an unhealthy fantasy to relive what we had by imagining feeling it with what I have now, but I can't help it. I know the person she is today is someone I do not know, but I can't help it. I am extremely SAD that the memories we had are forever tainted by the horrible breakup and ensuing madness that followed, and still lingers. As much as I want to tell her these things and so much more, I know I can't. I know the losses I had in my childhood are amplifying the intensity of these feelings, but I don't know how to get through them. Both of my parents are dead and I have no one else I've ever REALLY been myself with. Ever. She has been closer to me than anyone else. Meeting new people is fun, but if they really want to know me: I'm a narcissistic orphan who cries every day and still deeply attached to a girl that hates me. Want to go out? I want to get to the point in my life where I am over this crap, HAPPY, and ready to share my life with someone else. Maybe another year. For any of you in the middle of NC, thinking you're so much better and could handle a little NC "disturbance" in the form of WHATEVER: Internet stalking, facebook searching, text, email, asking a mutual friend. Just don't do it. NC works but it's like climbing a mountain on the edge of some criss-crossing ramps, you can be pushed off very easily and fall back to an earlier point in the climb. The bruises are fun though. I've got to strap the NC boots back on and start climbing again, slowly. Armed with a memory killing weapon, how about a rocket launcher. This would be a lot easier if she were dead, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. A couple weeks ago I was actually thinking how I kind of missed being miserable. Dumbass.
coltsfan1 Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Time away from her and time spent working on yourself will help you come through this. You need to make a few small simple goals then achieve them, that way you gain back your confidence and feel better. Only when you feel whole again should you begin to try and find a LTR. But continue to date as long as your honest with the woman you are spending time with. Sometimes a woman can explain things about another woman that we as men will never understand. Just be patient and keep moving forward. I myself and still healing for a 4 year relationship that ended last August. But each day I find myself doing better.
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