Rough times.

[daisym]

So, guilt and panic are consuming me these days.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a total of about 10 years (high school sweethearts). I'm 24 and he's 25. I love him to death, we have a VERY strong bond and I truly believe that if there is such a thing as soul

mates, we are it.

All that said we have of course had our ups and downs that we've both dealt with and moved past from them the best we can. We broke up once in 2009 for about 3-4 months. I dated some other fellows and he began a relationship with a former friend of ours. We ended up randomly reuniting during a trip to our home town and man, i really felt like I found myself again. I felt like a real person and the love that I had for him just whelled up inside of me. After we talked for hours and hours.. catching up on eachother's life events from the past three months, I found out that the relationship between the himself and the girl he was seeing had ended. He was very honest with me and said that she had ended it because she deccided that she did not want I "steady" realtionship like him. This kind of got me down a bit because I know the girl quite well, she's cute, funny and went to Uni with my boyfriend. They were always good friends. So their "thing" that they had reallly scared me. Once we got back into a relationship (a few weeks after that night) I kept thinking of her... in his bed whereI am now sleeping, having sex with him in his bed where I am now having sex with him. It just really urked me. Of course over time it has died down but every now again she'll pop into my mind. I try to keep silent about these worries as much as possible. It makes him upset because he says it is nonesense what I'm thinking and that he loves me. Sigh. I'm a worrier anyways.

Anyways, we got back together in the end of Nov. and towards the end of Dec. I cheated on him. God it makes me almost physically sick just to write that. We had been having relationship trouble for most of that week leading up. He was getting really dominant over me and not wanting me to go out with myfriends, have a few drinks and enjoy myself. So I said I would much rather go out with him, why can't he come out and enjoy himself with me.. We hardly ever go out. He wanted none of that. This REALLY pissed me off, I get very angsty if someone tries to hold me back or tell me not to do something. It's a problem. So that whole night I was ROTTED, I was upset about the whole ****ty week that the both of us had been having, I was mad about him trying to "hold me back", "take me away from my friends" and not having the time to just once go out with me. Then it all snowballed into me thinking about his ex and having anxieties about that. Pour a whole hell of a lot of booze on top of that.. Not good. I remember meeting up with an old hook-up/friend from the "single" days. And the next morning I wake up in my bed with all my clothes on from the previous night.... I literally blacked out. I tell you now, that was probably the second time in my life that that's happened. I'm usually not much of a drinker. I spoke with that "friend" after. The worst fears had been realized, we had had sex then I had somehow gotten a cab home. I hung up the phjone and just broke down. I cried and cried and felt so much shame. It took me a while but I decided not to tell my boyfriend. I could not risk losing him again over something that meant literally nothing to me. He is truly the love of my life and I really ****ed up. It's been over a year now and I'm still coping with the guilt of it. Recently I found out that this old hookup/friend will be at an event my boyfriend is putting off. I'm pretty scared about that. But I plan on denying everything.. Although I doubt that my "old friend" will say a word.. I highly doubt he gives a ****. But I'm having such a hard time because now that I know he'll be there I'm revisiting the shame and guilt all over again. I guess I'll just have to suffer the consequences if the guy does for some unknown reason have something to say to my boyfriend. I'll fight tooth and nail with denial though. This is staying buried. I'm determined. Maybe that makes me an even worse person, I don't know.

I just hate myself for not only doing this to the best thing that''s ever happened to me, but for putting myself through this **** for just one blackout idiotic dumbass night that I didn't even want.

Well, this was mostly just to get some stuff off my chest. Not much of a question I guess. I'm having more of an inner battle. Wondering if this all makes me a bad person and worthy of my boyfriend's love?

One good thing that's come out of this is that I've basically given up drinking. I didn't drink much to begin with but after that scary blackout situation happened I do not want to even take the chance of going back there. Extremely dangerous.

Thanks for hearing me out.

[Bryanp]

If the roles had been reversed wouldn't you have expected your boyfriend to be honest with you? Your post indicates that your boyfriend has always been honest with you. Your relationship is now not based on honesty and respect. Your boyfriend deserves the truth and I think you know this. It is extremely selfish and self-serving of you. You continue to disrespect him and your relationship by not telling him. He deserves to know. The relationship involves two people and not just you.

[daisym]

Yes, I very much understand what you're saying. I've gone over that a mizillion times in my head. And I think if my boyfriend andI had only been together for a short period of time, I would have told him.

It's been over a year since my mistake, I've made my choice - I will NOT tell him. Personally, if our roles had been reversed. I would NOT want to know. Because it would literally destroy me. I don't want to destroy the person I love and the life that we've built together by sharing with them a fleeting drunken moment in which I made a series of bad choices. After telling someone that you've cheated on them how do you convince them that it was literally nothing and meant nothing? You don't. He wouldn't believe me and our 10 year relationship would be done.

I know this is said by a lot of people after "cheating" but I can say it with full confidence, I will NEVER put myself in a position again where I could potentially do this again to ANYONE. Not only do I not want to put my partner through pain, my mind can just barely carry the burden of it all. I never thought I would be the "cheater" and it bring me unbearable pain to come to terms with what I've done and what I WAS that night.

My boyfriend and I have a very long history and I will not throw it away because I royally screwed up and was taken advantage of while being completely inebriated.

I ****ed up. I made a massive mistake. But we are all human, mistakes are how we grow. I have more than learned from this mistake. The guilt that has been produced from this mistake is so toxic. I've done my best to harness it and turn it into something to learn and grow from.

Anyways, again mostly just an inner dialogue going on here but thank you Bryan, I really appreciate your input!

[spice4life]

So, guilt and panic are consuming me these days.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a total of about 10 years (high school sweethearts). I'm 24 and he's 25. I love him to death, we have a VERY strong bond and I truly believe that if there is such a thing as soul

mates, we are it.

All that said we have of course had our ups and downs that we've both dealt with and moved past from them the best we can. We broke up once in 2009 for about 3-4 months. I dated some other fellows and he began a relationship with a former friend of ours. We ended up randomly reuniting during a trip to our home town and man, i really felt like I found myself again. I felt like a real person and the love that I had for him just whelled up inside of me. After we talked for hours and hours.. catching up on eachother's life events from the past three months, I found out that the relationship between the himself and the girl he was seeing had ended. He was very honest with me and said that she had ended it because she deccided that she did not want I "steady" realtionship like him. This kind of got me down a bit because I know the girl quite well, she's cute, funny and went to Uni with my boyfriend. They were always good friends. So their "thing" that they had reallly scared me. Once we got back into a relationship (a few weeks after that night) I kept thinking of her... in his bed whereI am now sleeping, having sex with him in his bed where I am now having sex with him. It just really urked me. Of course over time it has died down but every now again she'll pop into my mind. I try to keep silent about these worries as much as possible. It makes him upset because he says it is nonesense what I'm thinking and that he loves me. Sigh. I'm a worrier anyways.

Anyways, we got back together in the end of Nov. and towards the end of Dec. I cheated on him. God it makes me almost physically sick just to write that. We had been having relationship trouble for most of that week leading up. He was getting really dominant over me and not wanting me to go out with myfriends, have a few drinks and enjoy myself. So I said I would much rather go out with him, why can't he come out and enjoy himself with me.. We hardly ever go out. He wanted none of that. This REALLY pissed me off, I get very angsty if someone tries to hold me back or tell me not to do something. It's a problem. So that whole night I was ROTTED, I was upset about the whole ****ty week that the both of us had been having, I was mad about him trying to "hold me back", "take me away from my friends" and not having the time to just once go out with me. Then it all snowballed into me thinking about his ex and having anxieties about that. Pour a whole hell of a lot of booze on top of that.. Not good. I remember meeting up with an old hook-up/friend from the "single" days. And the next morning I wake up in my bed with all my clothes on from the previous night.... I literally blacked out. I tell you now, that was probably the second time in my life that that's happened. I'm usually not much of a drinker. I spoke with that "friend" after. The worst fears had been realized, we had had sex then I had somehow gotten a cab home. I hung up the phjone and just broke down. I cried and cried and felt so much shame. It took me a while but I decided not to tell my boyfriend. I could not risk losing him again over something that meant literally nothing to me. He is truly the love of my life and I really ****ed up. It's been over a year now and I'm still coping with the guilt of it. Recently I found out that this old hookup/friend will be at an event my boyfriend is putting off. I'm pretty scared about that. But I plan on denying everything.. Although I doubt that my "old friend" will say a word.. I highly doubt he gives a ****. But I'm having such a hard time because now that I know he'll be there I'm revisiting the shame and guilt all over again. I guess I'll just have to suffer the consequences if the guy does for some unknown reason have something to say to my boyfriend. I'll fight tooth and nail with denial though. This is staying buried. I'm determined. Maybe that makes me an even worse person, I don't know.

I just hate myself for not only doing this to the best thing that''s ever happened to me, but for putting myself through this **** for just one blackout idiotic dumbass night that I didn't even want.

Well, this was mostly just to get some stuff off my chest. Not much of a question I guess. I'm having more of an inner battle. Wondering if this all makes me a bad person and worthy of my boyfriend's love?

One good thing that's come out of this is that I've basically given up drinking. I didn't drink much to begin with but after that scary blackout situation happened I do not want to even take the chance of going back there. Extremely dangerous.

Thanks for hearing me out.

 

I'm an advocate for full disclosure. It's obviously eating you alive, so you just go to him and confess then let the chips fall where they may. YOU ALSO need to take a look at why your anger pushes you toward inappropriate behavior. Regardless od what you think, acting out like you did is not healthy no matter how you slice it. The problem isn't your bf, it's you. If he is difficult then reaccess the relationship and try to resolve the issues by communicating appropriately. If that doesn't work then it may be time for you just move on.

[dreamingoftigers]

Get to some counseling before you make any hasty decisions.

 

Sometimes full disclosure is just a guilt-dump before you are ready to face consequences. I am not fond of deception but if you do ever decide to disclose you want to do it in a way that minimizes the harm to the other person.

 

Seriously, talk to an expert about this, there seems to be some trauma signs popping up too. It will only drag you down over time.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

You don't remember anything of that night? So it's entirely possible that this 'friend' is playing with you and telling you that you did something that, perhaps, you didn't? People will do that...very messed up people. I used to hang out with them! lol.

 

Tell your BF what you remember and what you were told and what you are doing now to avoid ever being in a situation like that again.

[oldguy]

First, are you sure you had sex with this hook up? I feel the need to say this; having sex with someone who is incapable of saying "no" is considered RAPE in all 50 State's not to mention it's pretty creepy. If that is what happen, so again, are you sure you had sex with this hook up?

[oldguy]

My previous post was in no way an attempt to relieve your guilt, Since you believe you did cheat and have acted accordingly.

 

There are also these questions to ask yourself; Why do you want to tell your bf; because you think it might ease your guilt, because your afraid he'll find out anyway, because it is what you would want if roles where reversed or is the a moral clause, a need to, "do the right thing"?

[whammy]

Please, you had sex because you wanted to. Drunkness brings out the "truth" in people. You act like you just find yourself at this guys house. We all know how the night went...you and that dude were probably flirting all night and went back to his house TOGETHER.your focusing on not remembering the actual intercourse (which I dont believe) all your interactions that led up to the sex are cheating in my book as well.

 

and if you were blacked out and dont remember having sex then why havent you filed a rape charge yet? A woman either has knowing, consenting sex or is raped....there is no in between.

 

And, putting myself in your boyfriends shoes i would be pissed. Not telling me when you knew you had sex with someone IS cheating. That fact that you hid it from him negates any kind of "accident." plus the fact that you purposefully put his health and life in danger because I doubt you used a condom.

 

but then again maybe you shouldnt tell him because if I was your boyfriend and you told me that some guy had sex with you when you were blacked out then I WOULD be filing a rape charge with the police.

[daisym]

After days of being afraid to, I've returned to the forum to see what replies I may or may not have gotten.

 

Not gonna lie, I'm a bit of an emotional wreck reading what some people have written. I really do appreciate everybody's input and I can honestly say that I understand everybody's opinion regarding what I did. I feel that some responses are a little "out there" but what do I expect writing something like I did on a very public forum with many opinions and personalities? So I can't really justify getting upset at what a few people had to say. You would really need to know my personality, the situation, my history etc... to really give some solid advice and interpretation of what happened. I'm effectively abusing myself emotionally by going on these sites and expecting a magic answer or consolation from cyber space.

 

Through the past few days I've analyzed my self, my relationship, and that ****ty thing I did a year ago. I have ultimately chosen, after speaking with some close friends (those who know me best), that in my situation I should not tell my boyfriend. Be sure that nothing ever will happen like this again. Which I have remained committed to this past year. Our relationship has lasted 10 years, since highschool. I love him and I will never love anybody like I love him, ever. I messed up once in a decade-long relationship. Let that be the first and last time.

 

For those folks that were saying that I "obviously" knew what I was doing and that being drunk just brings out your true self. I very much am against that. Although I shudder at even the thought of that night, I honest to God do not remember going home with him or sex. I have flashes of slightly remembering his fish tank in his house and bits of the cab ride home. It's shameful, it's sick and I'll never go back to being that person again. One time only.

 

I ****ed up, I learned, I moved on... kinda. It's a work in progress. For those folks that said perhaps I should get a counseling - I fully agree. What happened that night left me feeling not only guilty towards my boyfriend but I felt very used and a little traumatized. I do know the fellow and have hooked up with him a couple of times while I was single, he was always in our group of friends (single friends). It wasn't just a random. I've only had sex with four people (im in my mid-20's). So two other's other than J. and my boyfriend. I am not a whore. But ever since that dirty old night in particulair I very much feel like one. And that is an issue I need to deal with because it makes me a little sick. So yes, I have looked into counseling to help me break through that and some other things. It can only help me have a happier healthier life.

 

Again, thanks to everyone that had their say. It definitely got me to analyze myself a bit more and gave me a chance to see this situation through other people's perspective.

[ComputerJock]

I guess you will have to go through life with the guilt and the hope boyfriend never finds out because if he does, and not from you coming clean, but from another source it will be more harder on him then if you had come clean and tell him your himself even though it will be the hardest thing you have ever done. Another source means you were caught. Coming clean means you have remorse and respect and love your boyfriend enough to be honest with him. There are many stories of cheaters (yes, you are a cheater) who get caught and are dumped, and many stories of those who admit their mistake and they and boyfriend work through it and have a stronger relationship.

[coffeeaddict]

He was getting really dominant over me and not wanting me to go out with myfriends, have a few drinks and enjoy myself.

 

I literally blacked out. I tell you now, that was probably the second time in my life that that's happened. I'm usually not much of a drinker. I spoke with that "friend" after. The worst fears had been realized, we had had sex

 

Sounds like he was objecting to the drinking and party scene because he was worried that you were going to do exactly what you ended up doing. Not wanting your girlfriend to go out and get drunk and hang around other men isn't being overly dominant, it's him trying to maintain the relationship while you were basically rebelling against him.

 

It took me a while but I decided not to tell my boyfriend. I could not risk losing him again over something that meant literally nothing to me.

 

Bottom line, he has a right to know that his girlfriend slept with another man. By not telling him, he's committing more of his life to a relationship on the basis of a lie, and that is disrespectful to him. You disrespected him when you got bombed and slept with another man, by not telling him you're disrespecting him even more.

 

"Can't risk losing him," that's spin. You took that risk one year ago. You can risk losing him by sleeping with another guy, but you can't risk losing him by telling him?

 

It's just another way of saying that if you tell him your life is going to get rockier and you'd want to avoid that, it isn't convenient for you to tell him. It's more convenient to bury it and pretend like nothing ever happened.

 

But you can't face that, so you'd rather spin it as "I care about him too much to tell him." Instead of not telling him because you're selfish, which is a negative characteristic, in your mind you're not telling him because you're loving, which is positive.

 

Maybe you're being truthful in saying it meant nothing (Waking up in a bed with a hangover does sounds like a pretty degrading, meaningless experience). So tell that to your boyfriend, maybe because it meant nothing he'll forgive you, but if he doesn't, then chalk it up as a lesson in life.

 

As far "wondering whether it makes you a bad person," you're not really "wondering," that's why you're here confessing all of this to a bunch of people. You might not be a bad person underneath the surface, but you're behaving like one. Yeah, quite frankly, I think not telling your boyfriend does in fact make you a bad person. And you will remain a bad person until you tell your boyfriend exactly what happened. The truth shall set you free.

 

I love him and I will never love anybody like I love him, ever.

 

Nope, not unless you tell him. You're disrespecting him because it's convenient for you, and that is not an expression of love.

[Untouchable_Fire]

After days of being afraid to, I've returned to the forum to see what replies I may or may not have gotten.

Not gonna lie, I'm a bit of an emotional wreck reading what some people have written. I really do appreciate everybody's input and I can honestly say that I understand everybody's opinion regarding what I did. I feel that some responses are a little "out there" but what do I expect writing something like I did on a very public forum with many opinions and personalities? So I can't really justify getting upset at what a few people had to say. You would really need to know my personality, the situation, my history etc... to really give some solid advice and interpretation of what happened. I'm effectively abusing myself emotionally by going on these sites and expecting a magic answer or consolation from cyber space.

Through the past few days I've analyzed my self, my relationship, and that ****ty thing I did a year ago. I have ultimately chosen, after speaking with some close friends (those who know me best), that in my situation I should not tell my boyfriend. Be sure that nothing ever will happen like this again. Which I have remained committed to this past year. Our relationship has lasted 10 years, since highschool. I love him and I will never love anybody like I love him, ever. I messed up once in a decade-long relationship. Let that be the first and last time.

For those folks that were saying that I "obviously" knew what I was doing and that being drunk just brings out your true self. I very much am against that. Although I shudder at even the thought of that night, I honest to God do not remember going home with him or sex. I have flashes of slightly remembering his fish tank in his house and bits of the cab ride home. It's shameful, it's sick and I'll never go back to being that person again. One time only.

I ****ed up, I learned, I moved on... kinda. It's a work in progress. For those folks that said perhaps I should get a counseling - I fully agree. What happened that night left me feeling not only guilty towards my boyfriend but I felt very used and a little traumatized. I do know the fellow and have hooked up with him a couple of times while I was single, he was always in our group of friends (single friends). It wasn't just a random. I've only had sex with four people (im in my mid-20's). So two other's other than J. and my boyfriend. I am not a whore. But ever since that dirty old night in particulair I very much feel like one. And that is an issue I need to deal with because it makes me a little sick. So yes, I have looked into counseling to help me break through that and some other things. It can only help me have a happier healthier life.

Again, thanks to everyone that had their say. It definitely got me to analyze myself a bit more and gave me a chance to see this situation through other people's perspective.

 

What I see from you here is an emotional trainwreck. You didn't intend to cheat the first time... how can you say you won't do it again? You are simply an emotionally unstable person. You need the counseling mostly for that.

 

Now in regards to the cheating.... everybody does bad things from time to time. It's how we respond to our poor choices that shows if we are good or bad. A good person would reaction with honesty and a willingness to face whatever consequences may come.

 

You on the other hand have chosen to be as dishonest as possible. You even tell yourself lies to feel better about it. Of course you don't tell him because you don't want to "hurt him". That excuse is a pile of crap. Living a lie is hurting him 1 million times more each day!!! It sucks his soul. Give him the choice to actually choose you! Yeah sometimes those choices are scarry and they hurt, but it makes them more meaningful.

 

So... Yes you are a bad person, but you don't have to be. Choose to be good. What if this guy wants to take the next step with you... or have kids with you? Are you still going to entrap him with lies??