itteloc Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Everything seemed perfect w/my girl lately and the all of a sudden out of the blue we get into a little fight over the phone last night, oh yeah and it's that time of the month for her also. Out of nowhere she starts saying things like maybe I move to slow with my life and how she's been wanting to get a place to live with me and I take no initiative to make it happen, I'm in la-la land with life at times, I'm unstable with life, she said I was weak, she said maybe I'm too young (2 years younger than her),she said she doesn't feel secure like I could handle the home if we moved in together, she doesn't feel secure w/me sometimes emotionally like she can't tell me things or secure with me financially. Mind you, her last two relationships one was a retired cop she moved in with who was like 20 years older than her who helped her financially more than me and her ex-husband basically won some huge lawsuit so I definitely have less money then both of them and she knew that from the jump when we met I was struggling a little but getting by. Basically I run my own my business and things are just starting to look bright finally but she doesn't even recognize nor appreciate the 12-14 hour days I've been putting in to build my business up to the point where it's at now and looking up and growing. So after all this talk we hang up. Then she calls me back 10 minutes later and goes I think I need a break from you. She goes I still love you but I need to be away from you for like a couple of months to figure myself out. She goes I think we're both a little unstable in life and I need some time apart from you. She said she's finally got the courage to tell me this after feeling this way the past couple of weeks. My bday was last week and everything has been really well so I had NO hint of this at all! After talking for awhile she changed her mind and threw an ultimatum at me! She goes either you work harder at getting a place for us to live together or this doesn't work. So she gave me until June to find us a place that we split the bills to live in or we have to break up and just be friends. I mean seriously? An ultimatum. On top of all the things she said about me that she has been holding inside hurt me a lot when she said, now she throws an ultimatum at me. Of course I agreed to it because I love this girl very much but after thinking about it all night long I can't believe she'd do that to me. how the heck do I handle this? Should I even see her still?
utterer of lies Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Should I even see her still? No. .........
dreamingoftigers Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 sounds like things got waaayyy too heated and she tried to get some kind of reaction out of you. Cool off for a couple days and rationally revisit it all.
zengirl Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 I wouldn't break up over one fight. She might just have been holding it all in and it just exploded. Not pretty, but any human being can have that happen. I would cool off, talk about it again, and see if she can be understanding AND see if you can move forward the way she likes. In other words, see if you're both open to compromise and rational investment here.
carhill Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 utterer speaks no lies. Accept her rant and choice and desire for 'space'. Continue building your business.
blackmagik Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Sounds like she has a lot of personal issues that are starting to arise. I wouldn't move in with someone who ever did that to me, I would probably do quite the opposite. You should look hard at the relationship and her intentions for it before you make a move. I have lived with a few ladies and one thing I always made sure of is that I could pay for the place myself if things did go south. So if you do decided that is the route you want to take I advise that you make sure its a place that is affordable for you by yourself.
dispatch3d Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 I'm pretty sure you realize this, but these are all her issues, not yours. She really would benefit from solving them herself. It was just one fight, but at the same time she said lets breakup for 2 months then calls you back and gives some ultimatum. If you're working 12-13 hour days I'd start wondering if its worth it having a very unsupportive girlfriend. I think you are way way way too accommodating of her bad behavior, and that's one reason she acts like that.
IcyBabe Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Firstly, I agree with the other girls [zengirl and tigers] to just let things cool down a bit until you're both thinking rationally. For what it's worth I think her "ultimatum" is very WTF?! too. A relationship should be an equal effort and if she's expecting you to bust your ass to provide this new living arrangement for the both of you than she should have to put forth that same amount of effort; to me it seems like she has herself on quite a pedestal. If after cooling off she doesn't see things more rationally then I would think that to be some red flags of someone who is thinking about #1. You don't want to be with a girl who is going to demand you change yourself to meet with her standards, you want someone who's going to love you for who you are. Everything seemed perfect w/my girl lately and the all of a sudden out of the blue we get into a little fight over the phone last night, oh yeah and it's that time of the month for her also. Secondly, come on, don't be such a teenager, blaming a girl's mood on "that time of the month" is very high school. People get built up in the heat of the moment and she's just blowing stupidity out of her mouth with little thought involved, don't stoop to that level, you're better than that.
carhill Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 (edited) If her first words of any proactive communication (do not contact her, as she wants 'space' and you have accepted that request/demand/ultimatum) are an apology for her demeaning attacks, then listen. Otherwise, cut her off. People need to own their words and the hurt they imbue. Neither women nor men get a 'pass' for being emotionally unstable, no matter what time of the month. Expensive divorce taught me that lesson. Don't want the OP to toss his life's work down that path. OP, do not let the power of the pussy deter you from what you know is right and healthy. Otherwise, you're in for a lot of harsh lessons in life. Good luck. Edited to add that, if this is the 'rich girl', she might have found a new man of equal socio-economic status. Possible. Edited March 22, 2011 by carhill
Ruby Slippers Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 She sounds like a selfish, unstable child. She dumped this on you in a harsh, unloving way. Why is it solely your responsibility to find a place for the two of you to live? Is she your child? No. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere. Wouldn't you rather be with someone who loves you and supports you, rather than thinks only about herself?
betterdeal Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Sounds like you guys have a lot of miscommunication between you and she's blurted out a stream of thoughts, fears, ideas all at once, and neither of you was really prepared for it. It will take a thoughtful conversation to see if you guys can work it out. I'd give it a couple of days then let her know you'd like to see if you can work things out between you. You heard her concerns and you were, frankly, a bit overwhelmed with hearing all this at once. Let's try working through one thing at a time. Just like you would a big project that's crept a bit whilst you've been busy, I'm sure you can break it down into smaller parts and start working on them in order to deliver the goods. First thing: communicate more. Any problems, issues, fears, confusion, discuss with each other. Second thing: be positive. You've worked well together so far; this can be a chance to grow and progress the relationship, as well as your selves individually. Third: negotiate. Take, for instance, the place to live together. How about you set up a joint savings account and both invest in it equally, to put towards the new place. You can work out what you can commit to invest each month and go from there. When you know how much you are saving each month, you'll have an idea of when you can buy / rent a suitable place. Fourth: be selfish. When it comes to life decisions, you need to go with your gut feeling. If either of you enters into something with the other that you fundamentally don't want to do then it'll hurt. Fifth: have fun. If you aren't enjoying it then it's a death march project that you're better crashing and moving on from.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 If her first words of any proactive communication (do not contact her, as she wants 'space' and you have accepted that request/demand/ultimatum) are an apology for her demeaning attacks, then listen. Otherwise, cut her off. People need to own their words and the hurt they imbue. Neither women nor men get a 'pass' for being emotionally unstable, no matter what time of the month. Expensive divorce taught me that lesson. Don't want the OP to toss his life's work down that path. OP, do not let the power of the pussy deter you from what you know is right and healthy. Otherwise, you're in for a lot of harsh lessons in life. Good luck. Edited to add that, if this is the 'rich girl', she might have found a new man of equal socio-economic status. Possible. I thought they talked out the "space" thing and then she played the stupid ultimatum game.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 She sounds like a selfish, unstable child. She dumped this on you in a harsh, unloving way. Why is it solely your responsibility to find a place for the two of you to live? Is she your child? No. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere. Wouldn't you rather be with someone who loves you and supports you, rather than thinks only about herself? Somehow I get the feeling that this girl wasn't in a conversation all by herself either.
Author itteloc Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 wow a lot of great responses here coming from different angles and I'm absorbing all of them in. it's great to get the opinions of all of you and you don't know how much i appreciate them. im sifting through them and gather something positive from each one! she did text me just now and apologized for last night and said she would like me to come by her house to stay tonight. I dont know if its too soon after this fight. Im actually feeling indifferent and pretty hurt to be honest.
oaks Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 she did text me just now and apologized for last night and said she would like me to come by her house to stay tonight. I dont know if its too soon after this fight. Im actually feeling indifferent and pretty hurt to be honest. An apology is good. It sounds like you need to talk, face to face and more than once about the things that were said during the fight. Did she mean the things she said (but perhaps wishes she had said them in a different way), and whether she says she meant them or not are there underlying issues that you need to discover and acknowledge? Make-up sex can be great, but it isn't a replacement for talking through the issues.
heartshaped Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 wow a lot of great responses here coming from different angles and I'm absorbing all of them in. it's great to get the opinions of all of you and you don't know how much i appreciate them. im sifting through them and gather something positive from each one! she did text me just now and apologized for last night and said she would like me to come by her house to stay tonight. I dont know if its too soon after this fight. Im actually feeling indifferent and pretty hurt to be honest. I'd go if I were you. Sounds like she realized she was acting crazy and wants to apologize and talk things over in person. I would accept her apology, but also point out the behavior of hers that you didn't like and won't tolerate. This ultimatum business shouldn't be a tactic in any relationship. The two of you should be able to talk about your feelings and needs in a way that neither of you has to be making 'ultimatums'. Obviously, she doesn't understand your situation and it doesn't sound like you understand hers that well either on moving in together. The two of you need to talk through all of that and then make a decision on what to do.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Go talk to her but be suspicious. It sounds like she has checked out of your relationship and she has no faith in your entreprenuership. She has an agenda for herself and you arent following that path for her. Dont let her direct your life just because you will miss her. if she isnt supportive, this will just blow up again down the line. By the way, if she wants a break, it means she wants to find someone else to date, dont let her fool you into thinking she wants to stay away from you to miss you more. Be suspicious that she has been looking at someone else to date already. You'll say shes not like that, but it happens pretty much every time on here, you just wont find out until months later. I suspect she wants to move in with you to get married and shes in a hurry to start a family? beware of this, she has a plan and will throw any husband in there to have that plan. Hopefully she will be more reasonable when she calms down. Problem is, she hasnt mentioned this until now, and she was ready to give up on the relationship. Do not back down, dont apologize for anything you have done, youve done, let her apologize, and treat her like she is on thin ice, do a 180 and turn this whole thing around.
USCGAviator Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 And don't EVER agree to an ultimatum. It makes you look like a chump.
brainygirl Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 I have to say it sounds like she was stressed and unloaded a lot on you all at once. It could be an indication of how she handles stress or of how she was feeling. What worries me is that you guys have only been dating a couple of months and she's pressuring you to find a place and move in with her. That's kinda fast to move in together in my opinion. I also think that ultimatums like that are counterproductive in most cases.
Author itteloc Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 Really even if she gave me an ultimatum after she said the thing about the break? you really think somebody else?
carhill Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Beware of texted apologies and the power of the pussy, as well as the seeming speediness of this 'change of heart'.
Darren Taylor Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Dump her. Ultimatums? Definitely not. She has definitely checked out of the relationship and I wouldn't be surprised if there is someone else in the picture. You don't need someone that isn't supportive of your goals, dreams, and lifestyle.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 And don't EVER agree to an ultimatum. It makes you look like a chump. Unless you are an addict at an intervention, or if you have been 'engaged' for a ridiculously long time for no apparent reason. Dump her. Ultimatums? Definitely not. She has definitely checked out of the relationship and I wouldn't be surprised if there is someone else in the picture. You don't need someone that isn't supportive of your goals, dreams, and lifestyle. Generally it would be very very odd to want to move in together if someone else was in the picture. OP she wants more from you and she is going about it the wrong way. She isn't trying to push you away, she is actually trying to get you to say that you want her in your life more. But communication-wise this is either a mulligan or she's dense. Up to you to figure out which one, if you want to.
NXS Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 She has an exaggerated sense of entitlement, and if you move in together guess who's going to be paying all the bills?? She's shopping around for a man to provide her with all the things she's 'entitled' to and will make your life hell whether you provide or not. You'll never be anything more than a man-slave to her.
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