start-fresh Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Is there any way to talk to my girlfriend about our differences in educational background/goals in life without making her feel like crap? I went to college and am really career focused and have been able to start saving for retirement and everything at 25. I realize I'm really lucky and I can lose this job at any time, though. The main thing is I'm actively trying to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life. My girlfriend, on the other hand, dropped out of college and works a "dead end" job in an office setting. I love her a lot, and know how hard it is to find someone as loving and awesome as her in a lot of ways. If I could help her figure out what she wants to do with her life I think things could be great, but as it stands now, I have a hard time respecting her. Other than just the career thing, there's been other stuff that tells me she doesn't have a lot of initiative to follow through with things. I don't want to list them here, but it seems like a pattern to me. I hate to just throw someone away if these are things that we can work through, but I don't know how to even go there without making her feel like crap.
kiss_andmakeup Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 (edited) Is there any way to talk to my girlfriend about our differences in educational background/goals in life without making her feel like crap? Probably not. Ask yourself why this bothers you. Is it because you feel you can't relate to her? You feel she is insufficient as a partner financially (unable to contribute to potential future expenses such as mortgages, savings, etc.)? You feel she lacks motivation and this is a personality trait that turns you off? Does she make enough money to support herself? Does she seem happy in her daily work? To be honest not everyone is going to be a career-driven go-getter. Maybe work is just work to her and she sees herself eventually being a family mom and caretaker one day. While it may not be the path everyone chooses, it may be the one she sees for herself. You didn't provide other details about the "other stuff" that shows her inability to "take initiative and follow through" so I'm curious what that pertains to. I think a little bit more info is necessary for us to provide you with more advice. If you do talk to her, be one-hundred percent NON judgemental. Make sure there is no element of condescension or criticism in your tone or you will ABSOLUTELY make her feel like crap. Talk to her about her goals and then decide if her perspective is in fact a deal breaker for you. Only you can make that decision. Edited March 22, 2011 by kiss_andmakeup
tigressA Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 If you have a hard time respecting her because of what you perceive as a flaw, then I don't see this working out. In the end, if she's going to "better" herself in that way, then she should do it because it's what she really wants and not just to make you respect her. Have you ever asked her if there's anything she wants to do, like if she could do anything, what would she do? Start with something innocent like that and go from there. If she seems content with her life the way it is, then you have a choice to either accept that, or leave. I agree with Kiss_and_makeup; not everyone is career-driven. There are those who are perfectly content with being able to support themselves and don't see the job they do or the education they have as being essential to who they are.
lemonlegs Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 I would consider encouraging her to go to school to get an education so she can eventually find a better job. I think it would be harsh and would suggest maybe just encourage as opposed to flat out telling her you don't have the same goals. It really depends on how important this issue is to you, vs. your relationship I guess.
Author start-fresh Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 Ask yourself why this bothers you. Is it because you feel you can't relate to her? You feel she is insufficient as a partner financially (unable to contribute to potential future expenses such as mortgages, savings, etc.)? You feel she lacks motivation and this is a personality trait that turns you off? It's really all of these actually. She is living on her own and she is supporting herself. If you have a hard time respecting her because of what you perceive as a flaw, then I don't see this working out. In the end, if she's going to "better" herself in that way, then she should do it because it's what she really wants and not just to make you respect her. Have you ever asked her if there's anything she wants to do, like if she could do anything, what would she do? Start with something innocent like that and go from there. If she seems content with her life the way it is, then you have a choice to either accept that, or leave. I agree with Kiss_and_makeup; not everyone is career-driven. There are those who are perfectly content with being able to support themselves and don't see the job they do or the education they have as being essential to who they are. I agree these things aren't for everyone. I just mainly don't know how to even get the conversation going without seeming condescending. I care about her but worry about the compatibility part of things.
tigressA Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 OP, I gather that you have never talked to her about this. How long have you two been together? For me it's atypical to NOT talk about life/career goals, ambitions, etc in a relationship, particularly early on. It's an important conversation(s) to have. I had a really great series of discussions with my BF about this stuff. He just asked me what my goals were. It was that simple and it went on from there. Just ask her questions. Let her explain herself and her choices, let her outline her goals if she has them. If you want to know why she quit college, ask. If you want to know if she would ever go back, and under what circumstances, ask. Just ask. DO NOT make any suggestions or give her any encouragement as to what you think she should do--this tells her that you have no respect for her life choices, and will make her feel like s*it.
zengirl Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Is there any way to talk to my girlfriend about our differences in educational background/goals in life without making her feel like crap? I went to college and am really career focused and have been able to start saving for retirement and everything at 25. I realize I'm really lucky and I can lose this job at any time, though. The main thing is I'm actively trying to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life. My girlfriend, on the other hand, dropped out of college and works a "dead end" job in an office setting. I love her a lot, and know how hard it is to find someone as loving and awesome as her in a lot of ways. If I could help her figure out what she wants to do with her life I think things could be great, but as it stands now, I have a hard time respecting her. Other than just the career thing, there's been other stuff that tells me she doesn't have a lot of initiative to follow through with things. I don't want to list them here, but it seems like a pattern to me. I hate to just throw someone away if these are things that we can work through, but I don't know how to even go there without making her feel like crap. What makes you think she's not doing what she wants to do? I think it's great to encourage a partner to be the best they can be at the things they honestly want (i.e. if my partner were not pursuing his dream career because he was too afraid/needed encouragement, I'd talk to him about it; however, if he was happy to work at McDs but I wanted him to be a neurosurgeon----extremes, I know----what good does my wanting it do? My point is people should decide who they are and what they want to do for themselves, not for their partners). I think this is either (a) Your ego talking, telling you that you deserve someone "on your level" which you've somehow decided has a lot to do with material things, education, money, etc and/or (b) real incompatibilities. I'm guessing a little of both. Personally, I wouldn't date someone without a college degree. A lot of people think that's "wrong." Oh, well. However, I also wouldn't try to direct my partner's career, as long as they can support themselves. If they aren't compatible, they aren't compatible. Sometimes that happens. There are a lot of great people who wouldn't mesh with me. In regards to ego: I understand caring about your career. I care about mine and I care about education a great deal. HOWEVER, this can also become a shallow thing that gets into money (beyond needs) or career-as-status places that can be kind of ugly. All of that said, if you cannot respect someone, I have no idea how you can be in a relationship with them. I'd never want a man to be with me if he didn't respect me. YMMV. I just mainly don't know how to even get the conversation going without seeming condescending. You can't, really. You're being a bit condescending. Even if it is compatibility, in the end, you are looking down on her. You say you don't respect her. You want to change her.
tigressA Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 What makes you think she's not doing what she wants to do? I think it's great to encourage a partner to be the best they can be at the things they honestly want (i.e. if my partner were not pursuing his dream career because he was too afraid/needed encouragement, I'd talk to him about it; however, if he was happy to work at McDs but I wanted him to be a neurosurgeon----extremes, I know----what good does my wanting it do? My point is people should decide who they are and what they want to do for themselves, not for their partners). I think this is either (a) Your ego talking, telling you that you deserve someone "on your level" which you've somehow decided has a lot to do with material things, education, money, etc and/or (b) real incompatibilities. I'm guessing a little of both. Personally, I wouldn't date someone without a college degree. A lot of people think that's "wrong." Oh, well. However, I also wouldn't try to direct my partner's career, as long as they can support themselves. If they aren't compatible, they aren't compatible. Sometimes that happens. There are a lot of great people who wouldn't mesh with me. In regards to ego: I understand caring about your career. I care about mine and I care about education a great deal. HOWEVER, this can also become a shallow thing that gets into money (beyond needs) or career-as-status places that can be kind of ugly. All of that said, if you cannot respect someone, I have no idea how you can be in a relationship with them. I'd never want a man to be with me if he didn't respect me. YMMV. You can't, really. You're being a bit condescending. Even if it is compatibility, in the end, you are looking down on her. You say you don't respect her. You want to change her. I agree with this. I honestly don't know how you're still with your GF if you don't respect her, OP. I don't have hope for the relationship working out, but I just gave you the best advice I could considering my experience with this. I wanted to add to my last post: In future, should things not work out with this girl, you really should have this discussion very early on with a (potential) partner so as to suss out compatibility in an area that's clearly of great importance to you.
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