holly369 Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Hi everyone Excuse the length of this post don't mean to bore you to tears. I'd really appreciate your advice... I had a relationship with quite an "unusual" man a couple of years back. By unusual I mean that aside from having issues relationshipwise (late 40's, never had a lasting relationship and when he did the women he dated were married or never entirely "available"), this man is very much an introvert. He always told me that he does not know how to express his feelings but that his feelings can be so intense that he blocks them all together. He doesn't like hanging out with people, he is terrified of being judged. He's very smart, witty, independent, has a great job and is successful at it but seems to have low self esteem. He was very sweet with me and we had a great complicity going on. At the same time he could turn real "nasty" with no warning and often send me mixed signals...Examples: unexpected criticisms (never bad ones but enough to destabilise me after his intense sweetness; hot and cold showers like displaying a lot of affection/meaningful words followed by distant behavior towards me; remarks about attractive women with a big grin right in front of me). I always experienced him as ambivalent with me, never could understand what (if) he felt for me and I could not even read his expressions as he displayed none. I know I seem to act "lighter" than I really am, i.e. I can be funny, entertaining, joke and give a lot of attentions even when I am not all that well. People often describe me as a "breath of fresh air" although deep down I am not always like that. When I am sad or upset it will show in my expressions but I will always fight it and act as if all is well. In that sense I am ambivalent too in my signals.. What I know for sure is that I told this man that I had feelings for him and that I wanted to stay in touch with him and be with him (for work reasons we both live in two different cities and are rarely in the same place...even though we are only 6 hours away from each other). His response was that it was over because he was leaving (the country at the time) and that he is no good at staying in touch. He said that very coldly then got really emotional (it threw me). He never attempted to contact me in over a month so I wrote him and since then he stayed in touch (this went on for years). His messages were often neutral then many months later he seemed to "warm up" and started hinting at wanting to see me again. Each time it seemed like a likelihood for us to meet up he somehow sabotaged things either by disappearing or by saying he was overseas/busy, whatever...I have to say I tried to be direct many times but I got no results..then I withdrew while still writing/talking to him and still no results. Eventually I felt helpless and stopped contact all together. Since I stopped writing he started writing more and more often. I ignore him and he writes again. I guess I can't help wondering if he has any insight into how much I feel for him.. Before I stopped contact I wrote him to let him know he hurt me with his behaviors...He barely acknowledged my words, just wrote me a very neutral letter. How would you handle this situation in my shoes? What would you do to make sure you get some kind of response before deciding to move on (if you would respond at all). Would you assume he is just playing? I know most men would say if a man is interested he would definitely follow things up, what about if someone has issues. If it is true he is no good with long distance why does he stay in touch at all? He just seems to "observe" everyone/including women he is attracted to from the distance like he is watching a movie and doesn't expect anything. I never tried to justify his actions just acknowledged he had issues and left him chances because when we were together the bond was really strong (he says that too, people around us say it also). At the same time I repeatedly tried to move on with my life but somehow he has this intuition that it takes little or no effort for him to get my attention again. How to know what the next step is before deciding to end everything? Cheers for your time
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