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have i done the right thing

rrobbie

By rrobbie
in Coping

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rrobbie Member

rrobbie

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long term friend brief fling

rang me to apologize she said she misses me so much and our friendship

i was her best friend

i was so happy but then a week later i told her im not ready to be friends

i hope i said the right thing i still love her so much

as a friend but right now i want her romantically

can we be friends again i feel shes my soulmate

and wondering if i should of just been her friend and let this happen naturally

but i was scared that i would become needy or jelous if she starts flirting

i want her as a friend but want more too we agreed to not contact each other

i hope we can talk again though as i miss her so so much

have i made the right choice will she miss me even more and realise im the one.

i know she the one for me as ive never felt so strongly for anyone in my life

i want to chase her but dont want to scare her off as i did that last time

 

she said im not her type but deep down i know she truley loves me and i feel she scared of commitmet as i am too

 

i dont want to ever hurt her feelings again so that why i said i cant be friends

when and how should i make contact or will she contact me :(

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rrobbie Member

rrobbie

Posted
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any advice

i didnt wantto be friends yet as i want her still

and want her to want me value me

will this work or should i ring her and say im happy to be friends

0hpenelope Established Member

0hpenelope

Posted
Posted (edited)

So you're interested in her romantically and you're willing to compromise your heart by setting yourself up into something that you don't want to do, which is to be friends with her?

 

I know that people do that all the time - where they harbor romantic feelings for a friend and they never say a thing because they have reason to believe that they absolutely do not stand a chance. But your feelings for her are out in the open and this:

but i was scared that i would become needy or jelous if she starts flirting

i want her as a friend but want more too

That says it all, brother. That's the only thing you need to think about. If you actually believe that you can contain your neediness or jealousy in the event that your friend starts moving on (and she will! Whether or not it's with you is still up in the air), then you can work your way back to being platonic again. But you have to learn how to maintain your composure when she's up on another guy or you know that she's entertaining another guy's attention. Because the two of you are just friends.

 

Your current post suggests that you're not ready to be friends. Time and space apart from her is a good thing for you. You're the most important person here and honestly, I don't think you should sacrifice yourself in deciding to be friends with her.

 

Don't chase her. People of both genders are quite attuned to sensing desperation in others. She said you're not her type, believe her. There's no forcing attraction and again, whether or not she'll have a change of mind and heart about you is up in the air. But for now and from now on, until she specifically tells you that she's changed her mind about you, believe that you aren't her type and don't waste your time waiting in the wings for her.

 

Also? She can't miss you if you're readily available to her. That space apart will give you two things: that she may miss you more than she or you expected and most importantly, clarity of mind for you so you won't decide things based on only your feelings for this girl.

 

These are very hard suggestions to look at, but I hope you'll take the time to consider them. You've already done the pushing and you already know that pushing, chasing her scared her off. Keep on doing that and you will only push her away from you further. Do something different and instead of doing something, do nothing. Until you're healed, until you feel better about her and the arrangement, do nothing.

 

Sorry you're in pain. :( Good luck to you.

Edited by 0hpenelope
grammar
smudge21 Established Member

smudge21

Posted
Posted

I really thought I could go back to being friends with my recent ex (that's how we started out). I even got along well with her boyfriend (who had been her on/off boyfriend for many years - it's a long story). But the truth is I was lying to myself. I recall how much to hurt to see an engagement ring on her finger one day, as it was clear I was still holding out hope for us. I still tried the friends bit, although stayed a bit quieter with her, but it was all too much. I'd have days of just losing it and not wanting to go on... Then finally she posted on her FB about weddings and dresses and the rest and that was it. I deleted her totally out of my life.

 

In a perfect world, it would've been great to keep her as a friend as we do get along so well everytime we meet up (her fiance is totally opposite to her), but that was never going to happen whilst I still have feelings for her. So now I'm totally NC and intend to be for a long time, probably for ever with her.

 

Now I know that eventually all these feelings will go and then maybe we can be friends again (I'm friends with other ex's without any problems). And I guess the same could happen for you, but right now, there's no way you can be friends with your ex. It's never going to happen and if you try, you'll just end up like I did.

 

Step away, force yourself to go NC. If you do really want to just be friends with this girl, then the only way to do it is to get rid of the emotional bond you have. Seriously, nothing hurt more then seeing that engagement ring... I'll save you that pain my friend.

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rrobbie Member

rrobbie

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well we did do no contact

i broke it back in dec though and then stopped

and she rang me a week ago saying she misses her best friend and cares and would do anything for me

we went for dinner and spoke a few times

and i said i miss my friend to but i still have emotions for you and im clearly not ready yet and i want you to be happy i said it as i value our friendship and dont want to wreck anything while im still emotional

she text back saying we cant be friends dont ring or contact me again

wtf she contacted me missing me

 

phuk why did i just keep my mouth shut and be her friend

and let nature take its course

no i have no hope :( 10+ yrs down the drain

from 2 months of romance

why me i can never find the right girl

for once i want to be happy in love

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rrobbie Member

rrobbie

Posted
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I really thought I could go back to being friends with my recent ex (that's how we started out). I even got along well with her boyfriend (who had been her on/off boyfriend for many years - it's a long story). But the truth is I was lying to myself. I recall how much to hurt to see an engagement ring on her finger one day, as it was clear I was still holding out hope for us. I still tried the friends bit, although stayed a bit quieter with her, but it was all too much. I'd have days of just losing it and not wanting to go on... Then finally she posted on her FB about weddings and dresses and the rest and that was it. I deleted her totally out of my life.

 

In a perfect world, it would've been great to keep her as a friend as we do get along so well everytime we meet up (her fiance is totally opposite to her), but that was never going to happen whilst I still have feelings for her. So now I'm totally NC and intend to be for a long time, probably for ever with her.

 

Now I know that eventually all these feelings will go and then maybe we can be friends again (I'm friends with other ex's without any problems). And I guess the same could happen for you, but right now, there's no way you can be friends with your ex. It's never going to happen and if you try, you'll just end up like I did.

 

Step away, force yourself to go NC. If you do really want to just be friends with this girl, then the only way to do it is to get rid of the emotional bond you have. Seriously, nothing hurt more then seeing that engagement ring... I'll save you that pain my friend.

 

ohh ive already been to her wedding she now divorced

and been through a few guys before me

so we have been best buddies i never had romantic feelings in the past but

this last sept - nov we had somthing special or so i thought

smudge21 Established Member

smudge21

Posted
Posted

Seems like she wants her cake and to eat it too. She wants you there but not to close if you get my meaning. Sadly you can't do that right now. Accept that you do love this girl and staying in touch with her will never get rid of those feelings.

 

I've forced myself to turn my back on getting the friendship back with my ex and that really saddens me but I really have no other choice. I know for definite that in time those feelings will have gone, only then will there be any chance to be a friend.

 

I bet the reason she has told you goodbye is because you're unable to give her exactly what she wants right now. If she values your friendship a(and after so long, I'm sure she does deep down) then over time she will come round and understand your reasons.

 

Stay strong. I know it's tough, I'm there right now.

Frank13 Established Member

Frank13

Posted
Posted

If she says you are not her type, believe it 1000%. She has no reason to lie. Don't fool yourself into thinking she loves you deep down. This is another example if why you shouldn't respond to breadcrumbs. She got her validation and ego boost that you still have feelings for her so she can now move on. NC unless the other person says they want you back.

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rrobbie Member

rrobbie

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it sucks when u look after them as a friend through their depression

and suicide attempts and the u care so much you fall in love

i hope she oneday in yrs to come knows what a great person i am

even though she has said this

 

i do get the feeling she doesnt know what she wants

i know what i want but dont know how to get it

im over the dating thing i want a friend and a partner a soulmate

 

what is a girls type

she say im hot a great guy etc but it just make me feel something wrong with me not your type :(

 

nc is the best for nop till im over her or she truly knows what a great person i am wether we afriends or lovers

i just wish she gave me the chance to make her happy

 

she is part of my circle of friends and they all have rejected her as they think shes a screw up but i dont i never jugded her and always respected her i know ill get hurt but i want her to really adore me

i did say to her lust doesnt last for ever but true friends do

and would probably make the best relationships

we are both mid 30's and i want to settle down

i run my own biz financually secure happy with myself but just have that somone missing in my life

i wantto be able to support and care for someone

why work hard when u have nothing to share anything with :(

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