wmrjw82 Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 I know alot of us here are dumpees (or were at some point) and its a tendency for the dumpee to place their ex on a pedestal after a breakup. We see things as mostly our fault. We can't wrap our minds around how we blew it with such a great person. We rationalize THEIR horrible behavior by taking more than our fair share of the blame. As time passes, that pedestal slowly becomes lower and lower until we finally see that in most cases, a breakup takes two. We begin to grow in self confidence and see the relationship for what it really was. Their "power" begins to fade until they are nothing more than a memory you think about from time to time.... but SOMETIMES... In the course of our healing our ex does something that knocks themselves abruptly off their own pedestal. This happened to me recently when my ex text me last Sunday for the first time in almost 2 months. She didn't ask how I was doing or how my son was... she simply wanted some stuff of hers that she claimed I had. I know alot of you know my story from previous threads I have done and if you know it, you know I had her on a HUGE pedestal. I was blind to her cruel behavior and wasn't able to see her selfish behavior with my own eyes....that is until she sent those text messages. For the first time since our breakup nearly 2 months ago my image of her has drastically decreased. I see how she only cared about herself and the image of her in my mind was nothing more than my mind playing tricks on me. I've seen recent pics of her on facebook...she doesn't look as good to me anymore. I dont think of her in the same ways anymore. And because of her behavior, it gave me the strength to tell her not to communicate w/ me in the future if that was all she cared about. So im interested in hearing some of your stories if something similar has happened to you. Now, as previously stated, this happens normally as time goes on and we begin to heal. What i'm interested in hearing is if your ex did something that immediately knocked themselves off their own pedestal that you had them on or made you think of them in a completely different light. To me...it gives me a boost in self confidence and the days are alot easier for me now. In a way I want to thank her but I wont give her the satisfaction by making contact.
TheLoneSock Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 My ex killed all attraction I had for her the instant she broke up with me, and the things she did afterwards just drove it into the ground even further. I got over her so fast it made me do a double take at myself and second guess why I was able to detach so quickly emotionally. Turns out I'm fine, I just knew she was making a huge mistake at the time, and she was.
radrluv72 Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Hmn...I don't know that I ever had my ex on a pedastal. I loved him and adored him, and I always felt like we were equals in our relationship. Now 11 weeks into NC, I've discovered the very possibility that my ex is a commitment-phobic, very well possibly suffering from an anxiety disorder. So in that respect, I feel sorry for him and I'm worried about his well-being. That being said, I know that there are other guys from my past that I did put on a pedastal, but over time when I look back, I can see them for what they truly are. But I was also a different person back then, and didn't have that much value in myself. They probably never deserved to be held so high in my eyes to begin with.
1784 Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Well I definitely had my ex on a way higher pedestal than I ever realized... that is, until we broke up. There were things along the way that I did see but chose to ignore which would have brought her down to more manageable level. The last thing she did,. though, which ultimately led to our breakup, really took her down QUITE a few notches. And this is what it was... I was supposed to move in with her in December. We were shopping for apartment furnishings and such. She lives about an hour away from me, by car. All the while my mom has been having issues with cancer. She had surgery and we thought she was on the mend but we found out that it came back rather quickly and spread to her lungs. To make a long story short, she's pretty much on borrowed time. I didn't feel comfortable moving in with my gf of the time given the recent news of my mom's health woes. I felt I needed to stay close to her in proximity (she lives roughly 5 minutes away from me, by car). I asked my ex if I could delay the move. My reasoning, I felt, was pretty straight forward. I assured her that it had nothing to do with my decision to move in with her and that it had everything to do with spending as much time with my mom as possible, while we still had time. This did not sit well but initially she "accepted" it. This was in December. By January things got progressively worse with my ex. Every time she asked about my mom I knew (because she didn't deny it) that she was just checking to see when I might be moving in. Her living alone is a fate worse than death for her. I even paid half the rent out of guilt (even though this was already her apartment way before I ever entered the picture). She kept telling me that she needed to move forward with us. she couldn't wait any longer. She's 29. I don't see what a few months is going to matter in the grand scheme of things if we truly love one another - which I THOUGHT we did. I THINK my ex will probably be alive for years to come. I THINK she can spare a few months for me to make sure my mom has everything she needs on a daily basis. By February we were pretty much broken up and we both established NC on 2/28. So it's almost a month now. We weren't the perfect couple but I thought we were pretty good. I had a hard time with her selfishness on a daily basis and boy did I get a good taste of it in the end. You all can tell me if I'm somehow wrong here. At the beginning (of the end) I really questioned myself. Everyone told me that she was nuts and that how could I NOT be with my mom in this time of need. and how could she NOT understand this?!? That this was a real deal-breaker, a sign of things to come, that I avoided a bullet, etc. You can tell me differently as I welcome any opinions you have to offer. THE POINT IS... she really knocked herself off of that pedestal with this one. She may not be totally off that pedestal as I'm still dealing with the withdrawal from "us" but it sure brought her down several notches.
MovingOn13 Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Ex and i have been broken up for 2 months have been in NC ever since except for when i ran into her at a college club meeting. So far: she is partying, drinking a lot more hanging out with less genuine people ( her best friend who is a very noble and caring person never even knew she was planning on breaking up with me...but her other single friends did). She also got a giant tat on her lat. I am no one to judge but i just personally dont think getting a tattoo adds any value to a person...but to each his/her own. She used to be the girl that said she would never get a tat, now she has 2, one of which is giant! Oh well.
swfc_77 Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 i dont think i put my ex on a high pedestal, just tried to love, respect and be there for her. since we split up near 7 months ago she has shown me what a really nasty side she has got. abusive texts went with another guy last year, i gave her a second chance lies, all the time still tries to use me for emotional support, after all thats happened gave me an STD just had a phone call from hospital, got to have another check-up because it sounds like she has caught something again from somebody told me she was pregnant (for a laugh lied about being she was raped at the start or the relationship 2 and half years ago has no respect for anything or anyone around her. will do anything for male attention it actually makes me laugh when i look back at how messed up some people can be. maybe i did have her on a pedestal, but i try to see the best in people. a female friend has told me tonight that i couldn't see what she was really like because i was blinded by love, i think thats what tnds to happen. you meet someone and kind of ignore the past/bad stuff they do because you love them, but when the love wears of you stand back and see whats really happening (take them off the pedestal so to say) i still believe i did my best in the relationship, i was just naive to the fact that there were people like that out there. hope everyones ok, it gets better believe me. take care,
betterdeal Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 In the course of our healing our ex does something that knocks themselves abruptly off their own pedestal. It's your pedestal. You put them on it. You own it. This happened to me recently when my ex text me last Sunday for the first time in almost 2 months. She didn't ask how I was doing or how my son was... she simply wanted some stuff of hers that she claimed I had. And that's in accordance with the standard advice everyone gets when the split up with someone but have some practical things they wish to complete and that necessitate more contact with the other party - be businesslike, don't enquire about the other person's well-being, get to the point, get the business done. I know alot of you know my story from previous threads I have done and if you know it, you know I had her on a HUGE pedestal. I was blind to her cruel behavior and wasn't able to see her selfish behavior with my own eyes....that is until she sent those text messages. I haven't read your back-story. What I know about you is from this thread alone and in this instance, you're coming across as someone who's several steps behind the other party in terms of disengaging from the past and living in the present. For the first time since our breakup nearly 2 months ago my image of her has drastically decreased. I see how she only cared about herself and the image of her in my mind was nothing more than my mind playing tricks on me. We all care about ourselves. You care about yourself. That your image of her has changed is a good sign that you are disengaging, that you are removing the rose tinted spectacles, that you are beginning to accept the change in your life. I've seen recent pics of her on facebook...she doesn't look as good to me anymore. I dont think of her in the same ways anymore. And because of her behavior, it gave me the strength to tell her not to communicate w/ me in the future if that was all she cared about. Better than telling her what to do, do it yourself. You don't want to communicate with her? Don't. Block her on Facebook. Block her on your phone. Get a new phone number. If she somehow manages to contact you and it's for anything other than practical matters - such as to return your winning lottery ticket - say "leave me alone, I have nothing to say to you" So im interested in hearing some of your stories if something similar has happened to you. Now, as previously stated, this happens normally as time goes on and we begin to heal. What i'm interested in hearing is if your ex did something that immediately knocked themselves off their own pedestal that you had them on or made you think of them in a completely different light. In my case, I can't remember the exact details. I've moved on a lot. We both did things that hurt the other. We both loved each other and wish each other well. I still have residual fear of meeting her, and I age regress sometimes and am currently working on what the triggers are and massaging out my psychological kinks that turn normal events into age regression triggers. To me...it gives me a boost in self confidence and the days are alot easier for me now. In a way I want to thank her but I wont give her the satisfaction by making contact. So her going NC has helped you? That's great. When you let go of the anger, and see that only you can knock an imaginary version of someone off an imaginary pedestal that you made, you'll feel much better. Keep on letting go of the anger and taking control of your own life.
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