threebyfate Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 I said before that it is a twisted way of thinking but it doesn't stop the idea from running across my mind. That memory eraser thing caused the idea to pop into my head.Bring yourself back to reality Woggle. Offset those with what's happened in your past. Understand that affair situations are truly emotionally unhealthy. They trigger any number of unhealthy emotions like: Fear of loss.Attaining the unattainable in a form of competitive behaviour.Fantasy love where it's one person getting their cheap thrills and nuts off, while everyone else hurts.Predatory behaviour in the worst way.Lying and deceitful behaviour.And when D-day arrives, unlimited pain including and especially the cheater.Is this what you want to sign up for? Do you want to be the dude in the middle with all the above bolded traits?
Author Woggle Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 In no way do I want to have any part of an affair but I hope that we have that kind of love and passion in our honest and faithful marriage and I am pretty sure we do.
threebyfate Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 In no way do I want to have any part of an affair but I hope that we have that kind of love and passion in our honest and faithful marriage and I am pretty sure we do.That's all you need then. Offset those insecurities with what you're experiencing in your marriage, right here, right now and enjoy those wonderful moments. For all you know, both or one of you could get killed in a car accident or step off a street corner and get hit by a car. And if that happens and you're the one left grieving, you WILL regret not appreciating what you already have.
D-Lish Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 In no way do I want to have any part of an affair but I hope that we have that kind of love and passion in our honest and faithful marriage and I am pretty sure we do. A part of having an honest relationship is being able to tell your wife about your fears and insecurities. It's not healthy to search infidelity forums to prove to yourself that all women suck when you have a wife that is the polar opposite of the damaged women you see posting as OW on LS. I just wonder, what is your wife doing right now? And if she's in physical promximity to you as you are on the internet scanning cheating forums... Could it possible that you are sending HER the message that you are a little disconnected from her? All I am pointing out is that if she's in the other room, and you're scanning cheating forums searching for proof from strangers that she isn't invested in you... Doesn't that mean you aren't contributing to that honesty in your relationship? If you want passion and honesty, get your butt into the other room, embrace your wife, and do your part in making your relationship the best it can be instead of scanning the cheating forums and pondering how much your wife loves you. Do you ever stop to think that in your endeavour to prove yourself right that all women suck that you are neglecting your marriage?
Author Woggle Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 She is actually in the shower right now but you are right. I should show some intimacy when she gets out.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Good for you. I imagine you are at a lost. Too cynical for love. I didn't say that. You are broken and sad. Don't blame strangers. Love can be definded many ways. Welcome to life. Um, did someone get a little lost on the way to 'Rational Thought and Behaviour' Class?
threebyfate Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Um, did someone get a little lost on the way to 'Rational Thought and Behaviour' Class? Shhhh...let her believe what she wants to believe!
betterdeal Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 The crap people say to justify (to themselves as much as anyone else) affairs and cheating and child abuse and domestic violence are all pretty much the same. They know these things cause pain, either to themselves or someone else. They choose to ignore that pain, that suffering. One of the great ways to ignore something is to focus on something else. Like focusing on the sexy feelings and so the affair becomes "intense" and "passionate" because the participant is choosing to make it emotionally unreal, inauthentic, to live a lie to themselves, to ignore the misery of the whole thing. Real love and real passion are what we do, not what we say. It is the outward expression of our feelings. It is unafraid of anything save hurting the thing we love. So musing this fantasy, this brain fart of an idea, entertaining it as anything other that psychological detritus from your own abused past is not about passion or love. It's about your past. Your insecurity. Your misconceptions. Wanting to be inside your wife's brain, to test her, to force her to prove herself, to violate her right to her own mind, is nothing to do with love. It is a reflection of your bad feelings that you need to work out, to resolve, to let go of, if you do actually give a f*ck about your wife and yourself.
whichwayisup Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 I agree. I said I was completely aware of how twisted this is. Maybe I read the OW/OM and infidelity forums too much on here. Yes, sections like that aren't good for you and even more so when you feel one of your moods coming on, stay out of topics that are going to set you off. She is actually in the shower right now but you are right. I should show some intimacy when she gets out. What do you mean when she gets out? JOIN HER in the shower! Though I'm sure by now the shower is over.. Next time, hop in with her!
dreamingoftigers Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Yes, sections like that aren't good for you and even more so when you feel one of your moods coming on, stay out of topics that are going to set you off. What do you mean when she gets out? JOIN HER in the shower! Though I'm sure by now the shower is over.. Next time, hop in with her! Yes, yes violate the shower, not the mind. Better results!
Author Woggle Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 Next time I might just hop in with her. For a while I didn't even think it was possible for a woman to actually be happy in this kind of relationship so I am still getting used to it.
betterdeal Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 It's not the woman in this relationship who's having the problems enjoying it. Now stop projecting your problems onto the other party and your life will improve.
Author Woggle Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 It's not the woman in this relationship who's having the problems enjoying it. Now stop projecting your problems onto the other party and your life will improve. I am aware of that and I admit it is my paranoia talking. Sometimes it just seems too good to be true.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 I am aware of that and I admit it is my paranoia talking. Sometimes it just seems too good to be true. I know that I have said this to you a lot (!) But be careful or you will make it too good to be true.
Author Woggle Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 I know that I have said this to you a lot (!) But be careful or you will make it too good to be true. This true. I think this is common with people who have stumbled on a great relationship after years of mistreatment from the opposite sex though. Something I thought was impossible actually happened and it is harder to process than I thought.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 This true. I think this is common with people who have stumbled on a great relationship after years of mistreatment from the opposite sex though. Something I thought was impossible actually happened and it is harder to process than I thought. I know exactly what you mean, then you turn into an insecure nutjob waiting for the walls to fall down! Luckily this won't happen in my relationship this time around. The walls are about as down as they could be.
threebyfate Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 I know that I have said this to you a lot (!) But be careful or you will make it too good to be true.To ramp it up a bit, this all ties into reality is perception. You can take almost any group of facts and come to many conclusions, where they're all true. But maybe you're talking about expectations, perfectionism and the disappointment associated to these dichotomies. Expect perfection and you're doomed to be disappointed. Expect reasonable behaviour and there will be no emotional crashing. Speaking of expectations, some believe you shouldn't have expectations of your partners but I disagree with that. In not having any expectations of respectful behaviour, you're setting yourself up for becoming a doormat. And as long as you've expressed your expectations in a manner of that your partner understands, where your partner has also done the same, there's room to compromise. Now this flows into the difference between needs and wants and being realistic in their separation.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 To ramp it up a bit, this all ties into reality is perception. You can take almost any group of facts and come to many conclusions, where they're all true. But maybe you're talking about expectations, perfectionism and the disappointment associated to these dichotomies. Expect perfection and you're doomed to be disappointed. Expect reasonable behaviour and there will be no emotional crashing. Speaking of expectations, some believe you shouldn't have expectations of your partners but I disagree with that. In not having any expectations of respectful behaviour, you're setting yourself up for becoming a doormat. And as long as you've expressed your expectations in a manner of that your partner understands, where your partner has also done the same, there's room to compromise. Now this flows into the difference between needs and wants and being realistic in their separation. In the comment I posted above, it wasn't actually a generalist thing. In Woggle's case he has a template overall believing women to possess certain behaviours and attitudes. It has been strongly reinforced and under extreme conditions. One generally doesn't just let that go, and overall Woggle hasn't. (Not to say that as a character flaw, or that you haven't made significant steps towards being there, Woggle). In truth expecting someone to just 'up and let it go' with Woggle's history would be kind of ridiculous. BUT it is only a matter of time (if it hasn't happened already) that his wife will display some kind of unhealthy behaviour. Because we all do and often spouses - in a continuous relationship - are only about as healthy as each other. That being the case, Woggle has some unresolved baggage and if his wife's behaviour reinforces that baggage, he may easily react in a way that correlates with his previous template and feel very justified in doing so. His history of abuse from women is so severe that he probably has to watch daily for signs and be vigilant of separating his own baggage from the events of the day, if he has learned that skill set. Yes everyone has the right to expect good treatment and the responsibility to enforce it (this was my error for a very long time, the not enforcing because I thought that I didn't have the right to hurt someone that appeared to be putting in an effort). And yes everyone needs to be clear on what they need and want so that no one can unknowingly violate what another perceives to be a boundary.
threebyfate Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 No doubt Wog's has been in survival mode for a very long time and reaches for misogyny/anger as a crutch, much like any other addict reaches for drugs as crutches. Having said that, notice his join date? He's been battling this issue for over 5.5 years, in and out of therapy for much of it. Only in the last few months has he made headway and realized that it's only hurting him and has great potential to damage his healthy marriage. As far as your marriage is concerned, there appears to be some serious values, goals and expectation differences. Not sure how long you'll be willing to guard him so he falls within your parameters of expectational behaviour.
Author Woggle Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 At least I realize I actually have a problem and I am trying to overcome it which is a step. I have finally realized there is a whole other world out there that I never got to see growing up. My mother was a crazed misandrist and she hung out with women just like her so that is where my view of women was formed. Despite my occasional freakouts which are not nearly as long or severe as they used to be I really do feel I am making progress.
betterdeal Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 If you start seeing yourself as a survivor and not a victim, you have move on another important step.
sumdude Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 (edited) Woggle, I know you've been through the wringer. I've had my share but not to the same extent. My ex wife wasn't quite as psycho but I know how you might feel sometimes. I would love to be in your position right now, but as of yet I haven't found anyone since the D. I know when it does come I'll have some of the same issues adjusting to a real relationship to some extent. One thing is for sure, I avoid the Infidelity OM/OW forums like the plague. I do not need any more negative reinforcement, I already lived it. I've also very much reduced my time on the divorce forum too. I've helped those I can help but don't need to be revisiting that stuff too often. I holds me back and just puts me in the state of mind I was in when I was being gaslighted and treated badly. Living in the present is the key. Though not as easy as it sounds, especially when the past is full of highly charged emotional memories. Edited March 22, 2011 by sumdude
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