fetish Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 (edited) L/S. I got a problem. Maybe a lot deeper than i realize. I tend to feel guilty about doing things. Me and my girl of 8 years/fiance for 2 broke up last month right before Valentines Day due to some legitamate reasons. If anyone is interested, my story can be found in these two threads. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=264880 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t266877/ Anyway, just a quick summary, she moved out of the apartment after i confronted her about a problem she had. She's bad with money and became a problem gambler. We've met up once since the break up and went to the movies and hung out once. She said we could still have a relaitonship and wants to hang out and do things like we used to. She spent the night and i realized i made a mistake because i wasn't healed. It still hurt me to see her knowing that we could never be married. She and I are both not completely ready to move on but I told her I needed time to heal because I didn't want to risk being hurt.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]So she's put it on me to contact her to hang out, but i haven't been contacting her. She'll send me little guilt trip messages saying that "the love i had for her must not be there anymore." The problem with me is I actually feel guilty, and i'm not even the reason for the ultimate demise of this relaitonship. In reality i know that i did the best i could for her. According to her, there was always something i wasn't doing, then she began to take me for granted and just flat out got the idea she could do whatever she wanted.[/sIZE][/FONT] I'm beginning to think there's something wrong with me. Like maybe I need professional help because this can't be normal. Does anyone else feel guilty when they don't bite at fish hooks their ex's throw at them when it appears that they are just really trying to work things out and they still might love you? Edited March 21, 2011 by fetish
Author fetish Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 <bump> hello? anyone? If there was any sound to this thread, it would be cricketts!
depplover_1980 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Fetish, I have advised you before and my advice still stands. I do think you need professional help within an environment where you are encouraged to make sense of the situation. Your relationship was very emotional, embroiled within addiction and it is not unusual you're struggling. If you are struggling to break free of this cycle alone, then approach the gambling charities or search for local recommended counsellors (humanistic approaches) where you can freely speak and be asked the right questions.
Author fetish Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 thanks depplover. I actually am in the process of researching those things you suggested my other thread. I'm trying to find the offices that participate in them. I'm also seeking divorce recovery/break up counseling as well. But right now, i'm just really wondering about the feeling guilty thing about NC. It's almost like you're telling that person that you hate them and want them completely gone. My ex stated she still wants a relationship with me, but i can't allow her that pleasure since she allowed our relaitonship to get to this point.
depplover_1980 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 thanks depplover. I actually am in the process of researching those things you suggested my other thread. I'm trying to find the offices that participate in them. I'm also seeking divorce recovery/break up counseling as well. But right now, i'm just really wondering about the feeling guilty thing about NC. It's almost like you're telling that person that you hate them and want them completely gone. My ex stated she still wants a relationship with me, but i can't allow her that pleasure since she allowed our relaitonship to get to this point. Well my answer would be that of course it is natural to feel guilty, you were in a relationship for 8 years!! But remain sight of the fact she IS a manipulator whose abuse over the years has caused this sense of 'responsibility' you feel you owe her. She has taken and taken from you for her own happiness, making you a victim and like all victims you feel guilty. Does that make sense?
Author fetish Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 But remain sight of the fact she IS a manipulator whose abuse over the years has caused this sense of 'responsibility' you feel you owe her. You are so right depplover. I just didn't think us men got this emotional. I always thought i was tougher than this
depplover_1980 Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 You are so right depplover. I just didn't think us men got this emotional. I always thought i was tougher than this Look, you're as tough as you want to be, but by accepting the size of the mountain to climb I think it will help. Go a little easier on yourself too, these things honestly do take time.
lovnlost Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Both my parents have been addicted to gambling for 20 years or more. I have younger siblings that I had to watch grow up with them and be there for the best I can. This issue is severe and can RUIN EVERYTHING....if you let it. I have broke free from their influences years ago....but they are still up to their tricks. If you have specific questions about it...let me know. Know that counseling doesnt always work for this addiction either.
lolo1234 Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Its completely normal to feel some guilt over ignoring someone's attempt to get in touch with you. Hell, I have felt guilty recently doing it with men that I BARELY knew but I could tell they were players/douchebags and that they weren't really into me. Having said that, remind yourself that it is OK for you to value yourself and make your own happiness and needs a priority in your life.
Graceful Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 I'm beginning to think there's something wrong with me. Like maybe I need professional help because this can't be normal. Does anyone else feel guilty when they don't bite at fish hooks their ex's throw at them when it appears that they are just really trying to work things out and they still might love you? You've been given some good advice so far and it all comes down to this: you are number one right now, not your ex. And it also comes down to the definition of love and how easy it is to say the words, and how hard it is to implement the actions that go with the words. Your ex has absolutely no intention of changing even one thing about her gambling problem, seeking help or going into recovery. And even if she did, you have already had 8 years, count them, 8 years where your relationship has not culminated in anything positive, so why do you want to prolong the good bye? It's over. Relationships are more than "time" investments. Way more. You seem to confuse the fact that you've spent 8 years, which is WAY too long in my estimation, as a means of justifying that your ex deserves another chance or that her intentions will change, even when she gives you no indication of the kind. You've enabled her (unwittingly) in the gambling, and her solution when you confronted her was to move out, move close to her gambling buddy, and then ask you to be FWB. Huh? You're not a priority to her, plain and simple, and she needs help that you cannot give her. There is nothing wrong with you that would not have happened to any other enabler who has lived with a person with an addiction. This is part of your problem and I think if you can find some support, you will feel normalized in the way you react to your ex. Stay NC, there is nothing to feel guilty about. You'd feel horrible if you were in touch with her, that's an absolute fact. It would take no time at all for you to know you were making a mistake. Take care, fetish. ps You know, parents who have children with addictions have to enact tough love, too. They kick their kids out. They stop giving them money that they know will be used for drugs. They take a hard line, even with their own flesh and blood, the people they love the most. So don't go feeling guilty. This has to be done in order for you to have a life that is free from the dysfunction that your ex's addiction brings. Sorry, I know it's hard.
Author fetish Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 depplover, thanks for that. I'm going to try to go a little easier on myself. I guess i've been putting her ahead of me for so long, i forgot what it's like to put myself first. So i guess that's why i still have that "responsibilty" as you so delicately put it. Lovnlost. I know that's gotta be hard to watch your parents as addicts. I have a father who got addicted to crack cocaine so i understand. He's been through rehab and everything but he'll always be an addict in every since of the word. No matter how sane and normal he appears to be. I probably will pm you on your situation. How are your siblings holding up? Are they grown and out of the house yet? lolo1234, thanks for reminding me that it's ok to look out for myself. They say break ups are a time to spoil yourself and do the things you've been neglecting for years. I'm trying to focus on those things like music and songwriting. And Graceful, as always, your words reflect your name (well username). I guess its easy for my mind to play tricks on me when she sends guilt trip messages saying "I love you" and "You act like you want nothing to do with me". I've even tried to throw the guilt trips back on her by reminding her that she gave up on the relationship long before she moved out, her love wasn't strong enough to whether the storms, etc. She never acknowledges that. She'll either deflect the attention off her or blame me about something else. Thanks for also pointing out the difficult decision parents of addicts have to make. I know its gotta be even more difficult turning your own children away! The last 2 or 3 years, it's been a growing problem with her gambling. And on top of that, she doesn't manage money very well. There were multiple times she'd overdrafting her account, then she'd blame the bank and then change banks and have the same problem. She had no business gambling even with $20 every day when she had student loan payments, car note, insurance, etc. Then i confront her about it, she ignores me, she blows up, shifts the blame back on me, then moves out, then 3 weeks later says she still wants to be in a monogomous relaitonship. She sets up the first date and put it on me to set up the next one, I don't, so now she makes me feel like i'm doing something wrong.
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