G/F's son: sticky situation

[flyty6000]

I love this girl more than you can imagine and we are so perfect and happy together. But Im starting to question our future and it has nothing to do with herself. See we are two single parents. Me a 4 year old girl, her a 8 year old boy.

 

We've thrown the marriage word out there, baby talk, and moving in together. Everything is going really well with our relationship. She is beautiful and I wouldn't change anything about her.

 

Problem is her son. He is a good kid in general but once other kids or my daughter comes around all of that changes. I noticed he can be mean to my daughter some times. I know kids don't get along all the time, etc. but it's something about him I don't get.

 

For example yesterday he who is 8 and should know better wanted to play with the same toy she was. So he came in the room and whined to his mom and she explained it's a little toy for little kids and you're older and should know better. Finally he got to play with the toy. Then my daughter along with his cousin came and told us he was teasing her waving it front of her face and what not. His mother hears this and reprimands him. So he throws a temper tantrum like a 3 year old would in front of a whole room of company during a birthday party.

 

Another example of something he does often its like he is an attention case. I had company over for a party another time and he was bored because his mom is talking with us adults and he'll come over to the table whining and she'll tell him to play with the other kids and say things like to his mom like "you dont love me" and keep repeating it and repeating it. He was acting like a little baby and it was annoying everyone at the party I could see. I can tell my family doesn't really like him. It's things they hint or say to me about him when she's not around. Mind you his mom and dad both get him anything he wants and give him plenty of attention.So it's not like he isn't loved or anything like that. He is very spoiled and an only child.

 

I'm not a therapist but I notice he can be nasty to other kids as well. Like teasing them, etc. And throw these temper tantrums once in awhile over very little things. Like anger issues.

 

I don't know if it's just a phase he is going through or if this how he is. I dont know if I want to subject my daughter to living like that if things ever get really serious like we've talked. I'm nervous and my girl can tell because I don't talk as much lately about "our future" and she noticed that.

 

What do i Do? do I wait and see if he changes? I can't possibly tell her I think your son has issues? . But at the same time I don't know if i could live in that environment with him like that. I don't want to lose her because I love this girl death and don't know what the heck to do. Any tips on what I can do or say? Do I let her go or try to see what happens because aside from this issue she is definitely the one for me!

Edited March 21, 2011 by flyty6000

[codycat]

Hey there,

First off remember one thing here. You are the adult. The person you have issues with is an 8 year old child. Remember that.. Enough said.

You seem to be annoyed at him for acting immature and that he's getting a lot of attention from everybody. He probably does this to get his mom to pay more attention to him rather than you. He might be 8 but he knows just how to push your buttons, and from what I'm reading he's doing it quite well.

I do not like the tone in which you refer to him as" he who is 8."

It shows a conflict like you are locking horns with him. It also shows immaturity.

You who is an adult should behave like one.

If you sincerely love this woman you will have to accept her child for what he is. I think that once he realizes that you are not scared off by his behavior he will most likely change for the better, but if he sees he can control your emotions with his outburst he will win and you will be gone,and that's exactly what he wants.

Edited March 21, 2011 by codycat

[flyty6000]

Hey there,

First off remember one thing here. You are the adult. The person you have issues with is an 8 year old child. Remember that.. Enough said.

You seem to be annoyed at him for acting immature and that he's getting a lot of attention from everybody. He probably does this to get his mom to pay more attention to him rather than you. He might be 8 but he knows just how to push your buttons, and from what I'm reading he's doing it quite well.

I do not like the tone in which you refer to him as" he who is 8."

It shows a conflict like you are locking horns with him. It also shows immaturity.

You who is an adult should behave like one.

If you sincerely love this woman you will have to accept her child for what he is. I think that once he realizes that you are not scared off by his behavior he will most likely change for the better, but if he sees he can control your emotions with his outburst he will win and you will be gone,and that's exactly what he wants.

 

You have it wrong he never sees it bothers me nor does his mom. I never show or say a peep. That's why I'm venting it on here.

[Knittress]

I'm not a parent, and even though I did live with a part-time parent it doesn't make me all that qualified to speak - but I AM the child of blended family dysfunction.

 

Eight is more mature than four, sure - but eight is still a youngish child. And one thing that children (and adults too, actually) do when they're under a lot of stress is to developmentally regress to an earlier stage of development. You and your daughter are a big lifechange for this kid, and while you and the mom are equipped with the experience and emotional maturity to navigate through it - as a kid the only control over his existence that he has is being able to act out. Also, as a kid he doesn't have the maturity to even understand what all it is that he's feeling.

 

I had a hard time dealing with my ex's kid, so I'm not throwing stones - but it seriously sounds like you resent the guy. He's a KID. Kids are a pain in the ass - sounds normal to me. Maybe counseling might be the most constructive thing for all of you?

[Sabali]

I will tell you straight up that when it comes with dealing with kids you have to lay down the law immediately! From the moment you walk onto the scene you must be willing to be Papa Bear. Trust me on this.

 

Don't let the whole "I am not his father" thing throw you off. You never know if you might one day become the child's father and by that time it may be too late. He may not respect you by then and it will be much harder to gain his respect. He will respect you if you are firm.

 

When I come onto the scene, I approach the kids in a firm, fatherly figure manner but I also show them that I genuinely care for them. I do enjoy kids so that part is no problem.

 

You just can't discipline the kid and not want to do things with him like show up for his baseball game or tuck him in at night. Show him that you also care for him. Give him a kiss on the forehead or a high five when he does something nice. Positive reinforcement is key!

 

You are or are going to be the man of the house one day. You have to lay down law and not be apprehensive about it. If your girlfriend has trouble with you stepping into the role of a disciplinary then it won't work and your problems are solved.

 

The best results arise from a putting your foot down from the giddy up!

Edited March 21, 2011 by Sabali