wiener181 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I am about to turn 23 (still young I know) but a year ago I met my now boyfriend. We have been together for 5 months. Things with him have moved very very slowly...for example it took almost 8 months for him to ask me to be his girlfriend. I feel like I have been trying to give him time and space to allow him to call the shots, since he is the one that seems to need that. Along the way, a few things have happened that make our relationship a bit more difficult...including countless people telling me I should dump him. The thing is, in general, when it's just me and him...I have soo much fun with him and he is the first person in almost 2 years that caught my interest enough to actually try to be in a relationship with. Problem is, I think he might be taking me for granted. He has personal issues and he needs his time and space to calm down and figure things out when life is out of whack for him. I have been trying to be very understanding, but it's hard to continue to do this when I seem to be getting little back. He's not expressive and he works graveyard shifts which limits his time and energy to make time for me. We really only have one night a week that we semi know is for us, which is often canceled due to life just happening. We will sometimes reschedule, if we both try, or a week will go by without seeing each other at all. I am really getting fed up with where I seem to stand on his priority list. How do I get him to put more energy into trying to see me? He says he misses me, hanging out with me, and being intimate with me...but when it's time for action...I fail to see that. What do I do now?
Lilmisus Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 This sounds an incredible amount like the relationship I just got out of. The thing is, I hoped just like you are, countless times that things would change and that I could get him to make me a priority on his list and make more time for me. I was fed up just like you are for feeling taken advantage of, and he recognized this fact but did nothing about it - except for break up with me telling me I deserved more. I'm telling you this because men don't change even if you want them to, even if you sit back and try to be understanding and patient when life throws curve balls at them. I did that for a year (just like you) and I got nothing for it to show, except for a lot of wasted time and energy, disappoint, but some good memories. You can try talking to him and telling him that he needs to make you a top priority of his, and tell him that you want him to try spending more time with you and showing that he cares more. But if I were you, I'd just end this relationship now, since I speak from experience in saying that it's not going to go anyplace good, and nothing's going to change, no matter how hard you try, if he doesn't try as well.
Author wiener181 Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 I did break up with him. For the weekend of his birthday...he chose to spend the whole time with his friends drinking, which really hurt my feelings...but I'm not so sure how justified I was in being upset because it was his birthday and b-days in general mean something totally different for us. Any who, he asked for 2 days to think, at the end of which he expressed how much he likes me and couldn't live with himself if he didn't ask me for a chance to work things out between us. The first time I saw him after this he was more affectionate and started promising things on his own accord. This is why I'm unsure if I'm being too selfish or impatient and should give him a bit more time? However, your advice makes a lot of sense. Thanx.
Lilmisus Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I did break up with him. For the weekend of his birthday...he chose to spend the whole time with his friends drinking, which really hurt my feelings...but I'm not so sure how justified I was in being upset because it was his birthday and b-days in general mean something totally different for us. Any who, he asked for 2 days to think, at the end of which he expressed how much he likes me and couldn't live with himself if he didn't ask me for a chance to work things out between us. The first time I saw him after this he was more affectionate and started promising things on his own accord. This is why I'm unsure if I'm being too selfish or impatient and should give him a bit more time? However, your advice makes a lot of sense. Thanx. This is only one example of I'm sure a lot that you have. In this one, you were justified to feel hurt - only if you mentioned beforehand that you wanted to spend the day with him. If you didn't and only assumed that he would pick you over his buddies, then yea you did overreact to some degree, not completely though. Plus, when was this? Recently? If he's trying all of a sudden to work things out between you guys, let him have the chance to prove himself. If he still doesn't then, give him the boot and know that he had his second chance and he can officially "live with himself" because of it.
Author wiener181 Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 Plus, when was this? Recently? If he's trying all of a sudden to work things out between you guys, let him have the chance to prove himself. If he still doesn't then, give him the boot and know that he had his second chance and he can officially "live with himself" because of it. Yes it was about 3 weeks ago. We had another argument this weekend and he mentioned that he feels forced to see me sometimes because he knows if he says no, I will be upset. We only see each other once a week at most. Often it's once every two weeks. I don't think that's too much or me being too needy? I am starting to believe he really isn't ready for a relationship, but he doesn't want to let me go because he's realized I'm a good thing in his life? As soon as I try to back off and give him space, he becomes super super sweet...I wish I didn't have to do that, it's not my style.
Recommended Posts