Daichovo Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I am nearing 30 and never had a boyfriend. I've been on maybe 5 dates in my life, all of which were ones I initiated. I've been a member of dating websites off and on to try to battle the problem I seem to have in real life of anyone being interested in me (guys seem to think of me as just friends or not someone they would be attracted to. My guy friends think I could be intimidating since I am not a bimbo and have a lot of interests). Even on dating websites I get few responses, and the ones I do get are without fail from perverts (the guy who wrote me 5 separate emails about his isolationist dream living off grid with me, never meeting any of my friends or family, and graphic details of how I should orally pleasure him; the vampire guy who literally wanted to suck my blood; lots of pictures or descriptions of body parts, etc. UGH!!), married men, or guys who are 15-20+ years older than me. I feel like I'm a pretty normal person and reasonably attractive. Heck, some might even see me as a catch! I can talk with people fine, have pretty good social skills except in the realm of dating apparently. I have asked some friends to look at my profile and see if they had any suggestions. They all either said it looked fine or that I should take pictures dressing like a slut, add boob shots, etc. This isn't the direction I want. I am wondering if anyone can help. Here is a link to one: _http://www.okcupid.com/profile/vitvitskaia Please, any thoughts would help. I want to get myself out there. Just moved back to my old city and want to meet some new people, just get the wheels spinning a bit. Thanks!
MutteringUrchin Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 How socially active are you? How forthright and out-spoken are you around strangers? Online dating is a different world to offline. Just trust me on that, for both men and women. I've years of experience and I'm only young! Jot down a bit about your personality and I'll see what I can help you on.
Author Daichovo Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 I am pretty open these days talking to strangers. Spending the last 6+ years in large cities, using public transportation, gives one lots of opportunities to open up and chat with anyone. No problems talking to anyone although I wouldn't call myself an extrovert. More of an introvert who is comfortable talking to and interested in others. I haven't been going out as much lately since I lost my day job, but I am frequently in public, often in places like bars, as I am a musician. Probably at least once a week, up until recently I probably played out 2-3 times a week at least. The last few months I was in a city with nice weather, I made a point to hang out in a busy park or outside cafe pretty much every day. Would strike up a conversation just to say anything if appropriate (how's the weather, comment on the news, the weird guy in line, whatever). Hoping to find a room in the city soon (instead of parents' place in the boonies' I've been crashing at the last week or two) and then maybe try some activity like sports or something. Never had much success with meetup either.
MutteringUrchin Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 (edited) You sound rather interesting, if I do say so myself. But I'll dispense with the carrots and get down to the gravy: Online dating. Now the world of the internet is a wondrous place, I'm sure you're aware. And as you probably hope, love can and has been discovered on and via it. What any plucky love-quester must remember, though, is that the dating realm of the internet is a world of subterfuge. Online, people have the luxury of picking and choosing, taking their time, being rude, ignoring with little consequence and other such lovely social niceties that wouldn't go down to well offline. Enquiring of your personality, I was gauging your ability to adhere to the golden rule: silence. When dating online -- to a much more extreme extent that offline -- silence is necessary, and overexposure can sometimes ruin one's chances at landing multiple dates (if multiple dates are what you're after). I wouldn't say it's a pleasant turn of events, but's it's just a fact of internet dating as we know it. What do I mean by Silence? I refer to knowing when and when not to respond to someone. You don't have to try and change your personality to be more of this or less of that. Forget that, you are who you are. And though it may be tempting to change, I'd hope you wouldn't change for anyone. The keys I've found to success when dating online is one of two things: good looks and minimalism. Unfortunately, people are much shallower online than they can get away with when off. You could end up dating a guy offline who may not even give you a second click online. That's just the way it is. The low point to this is that you'll attract just as much bad as good. If your looks aren't necessarily your high point, you'll need the personality -- preferably one that doesn't attract the nutters. Remember that everything online is of the utmost casualness until made otherwise official. You'll often hear people complaining about serial cheaters online, and that's because it's a hive for such people. Try not to commit or make advances beyond friendship until it comes up mutually. Why? The sex fiends frustrate easily and will either get mad or begin to be offish with you when things move at a slower pace than usual. If the guy mentions that he likes you, make note of what he likes about you. Don't fall for easy, vague flattery. Conversation is vital. If it can flow for day after day, week after week, and month, etc, it's a obviously a good sign. Be cautious, and don't play games but be aware that some will say and do anything -- and I mean anything -- to get a quick shag and move on. Do not underestimate the sex fiends. Another mistake serious, not freaky online daters make is exclusively using special allocated dating sites. It's much harder to find a genuine, honest person there than it is in the Red Light District. Since we're talking "online", are you a member of any forums dedicated to musicians or other interests you may have? Common, platonic ground is always a nice way to begin. I'm sorry if I sound patronising and appear to over-simplify, etc. I have no idea how much experience you have. Edited March 21, 2011 by MutteringUrchin
OliveOyl Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 (edited) I took a quick look at your profile. Now, I'm a female, very very new to online dating, and can't claim success with it yet, so please take anything I'm going to say with a grain of salt. But the first thing that struck me was you should smile in your main photo. You are definitely attractive - it's just that your main profile photo looks very serious. Secondly, I would not mention that you've never owned a TV. Even though I don't even really watch TV, somehow mentioning that fact makes it seem that you are very non-mainstream and guys might wonder if there is going to be enough commonality. I'd save that fact for online chatting or the first date. To be honest, I sort of am beginning to think that unless someone has an amazing sense of humor or intellect, people should keep their profiles fairly brief and make sure their pictures are friendly, reasonably accurate and up to date. The more someone puts in their profile, the more reason someone has to go "NEXT." All you want right now is to get the ball rolling with meeting people. You can filter them out after chatting online a bit more. Edited March 21, 2011 by OliveOyl
Author Daichovo Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 You sound rather interesting, if I do say so myself. But I'll dispense with the carrots and get down to the gravy: Online dating. Now the world of the internet is a wondrous place, I'm sure you're aware. And as you probably hope, love can and has been discovered on and via it. What any plucky love-quester must remember, though, is that the dating realm of the internet is a world of subterfuge. Online, people have the luxury of picking and choosing, taking their time, being rude, ignoring with little consequence and other such lovely social niceties that wouldn't go down to well offline. Enquiring of your personality, I was gauging your ability to adhere to the golden rule: silence. When dating online -- to a much more extreme extent that offline -- silence is necessary, and overexposure can sometimes ruin one's chances at landing multiple dates (if multiple dates are what you're after). I wouldn't say it's a pleasant turn of events, but's it's just a fact of internet dating as we know it. What do I mean by Silence? I refer to knowing when and when not to respond to someone. You don't have to try and change your personality to be more of this or less of that. Forget that, you are who you are. And though it may be tempting to change, I'd hope you wouldn't change for anyone. The keys I've found to success when dating online is one of two things: good looks and minimalism. Unfortunately, people are much shallower online than they can get away with when off. You could end up dating a guy offline who may not even give you a second click online. That's just the way it is. The low point to this is that you'll attract just as much bad as good. If your looks aren't necessarily your high point, you'll need the personality -- preferably one that doesn't attract the nutters. Remember that everything online is of the utmost casualness until made otherwise official. You'll often hear people complaining about serial cheaters online, and that's because it's a hive for such people. Try not to commit or make advances beyond friendship until it comes up mutually. Why? The sex fiends frustrate easily and will either get mad or begin to be offish with you when things move at a slower pace than usual. If the guy mentions that he likes you, make note of what he likes about you. Don't fall for easy, vague flattery. Conversation is vital. If it can flow for day after day, week after week, and month, etc, it's a obviously a good sign. Be cautious, and don't play games but be aware that some will say and do anything -- and I mean anything -- to get a quick shag and move on. Do not underestimate the sex fiends. Another mistake serious, not freaky online daters make is exclusively using special allocated dating sites. It's much harder to find a genuine, honest person there than it is in the Red Light District. Since we're talking "online", are you a member of any forums dedicated to musicians or other interests you may have? Common, platonic ground is always a nice way to begin. I'm sorry if I sound patronising and appear to over-simplify, etc. I have no idea how much experience you have. Hey- I am a member of other forums that have similar interests as me. They are not dating sites obviously and I use them only occasionally when the mood strikes. I doubt there would be much help there as these are international forums and not targeted towards dating, but yes, common interests are good. Otherwise, I admit I sort of got a little lost in your post...quasi word salad? I think what you may have been trying to say is 1. my profile has too much detail? Is this correct? and 2. about how I interact with dudes online. This is the whole point. No one contacts me, excepting the rare crazy/inappropriate person. People I contact (which I have been limiting as life experience has taught me- girl contacts guy, guy thinks she's easy, tries to get in my pants right away. No good. Best case scenario is that the guy is just a total introvert and not very assertive at all, this drives me up the wall and I wouldn't want to date them anyway. But this is pretty much hypothetical, this last instance has only happened 2-3 times) do not contact me back. I don't get it. I assume it must have to do with the profile.
Author Daichovo Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 (edited) I took a quick look at your profile. Now, I'm a female, very very new to online dating, and can't claim success with it yet, so please take anything I'm going to say with a grain of salt. But the first thing that struck me was you should smile in your main photo. You are definitely attractive - it's just that your main profile photo looks very serious. Secondly, I would not mention that you've never owned a TV. Even though I don't even really watch TV, somehow mentioning that fact makes it seem that you are very non-mainstream and guys might wonder if there is going to be enough commonality. I'd save that fact for online chatting or the first date. To be honest, I sort of am beginning to think that unless someone has an amazing sense of humor or intellect, people should keep their profiles fairly brief and make sure their pictures are friendly, reasonably accurate and up to date. The more someone puts in their profile, the more reason someone has to go "NEXT." All you want right now is to get the ball rolling with meeting people. You can filter them out after chatting online a bit more. Wow, not owning a TV is that big of a deal? Many people I know don't have one. Well, I guess it's easy enough to fix. Do you also think that the profile is either too long/detailed/both? Do you have suggestions on trimming it? I guess I did figure out one thing people notice about me, I tend not to smile a lot! I'll have to see if I can find someone with a camera soon to take a picture. Went through any pics people have taken of me and most of them are me playing my trumpet...NOT really an attractive face. **Just edited the profile to make it shorter, check it out Edited March 21, 2011 by Daichovo addendum at bottom
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