spiderowl Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Don't think I agree here that he's been ever so patient and you've been slow. You want to get to know him as a person before getting physical; that seems absolutely fine to me. I suppose what triggered warning bells in my head is when you said he kept trying to touch you on that first date and calling you cute. He's eager to get physical and while that's alright if you want that from the start, if you want to see if he's a stick around kind of guy, it's not necessarily the way to go. I think he's putting pressure on you, sort of saying, 'is this gonna get physical soon or not?'. He wants to control where he sees you to give himself that opportunity. You should have some say in where you feel comfortable meeting too. When you said, you gave in, I really did get the impression that you felt pressured and weren't entirely happy with the way it was going. I'd say trust your instincts. If he likes you, he'll carry on seeing you, even though he might want to get closer faster than you. If he's just looking for sex, he'll lose interest pretty quickly.
Author Chicklette Posted April 9, 2011 Author Posted April 9, 2011 Update - Hi everyone, I didn't plan on updating the thread, but after reading the responses from all of you requesting a sneak peek into what happened I figured I owed it to all of you that took the time to help me/respond to my thread with what happened. This date DID not go well. Spiderowl - You are correct in what you described below. He was pressuring me in the physical sense, doors locked in the car, kept stroking my leg, insisting I need to grow up and tried kissing me when I didn't want to. And the constant "You're hot, cute" references continued. I made it a point to tell him that there is more to me than that. I had to SPELL out my other qualities (Smart, funny hard working ETC) he then proceeded to tell me that I need to grow up, that all the other guys I've dated have only dated me 'cause of my looks, but that he's different. Hard to believe given his actions. During the movies he tried putting his arm around me, but it was so awkward, no lead up, just shoved his arm behind my back, I was *SO* uncomfortable, I mean - PHYSICALLY uncomfortable, I got the WORST neck cramp and had to tell him I was in pain. He of course, got offended and did not speak to me at all during the movie and rushed off the seat at the end of the movie, he did make it a point to hold the door open for me when we left and asked whether I'd like for him to pull the car to the front of the theater for me (sweet) I told him it was no problem and I'd gladly walk to the car with him. We sat down and I could tell he was upset/embarrassed ... I told him I was sorry if I had offended him but I just didn't feel comfortable, and the whole thing felt forced. His response "I wish you had told me that on the phone" - Fair point on his part. But in all honesty, I have never had a guy pre-plan and ask beforehand whether he could put his arm around me and push SO hard to go to the movies. usually, if the mood/time/atmosphere is right and there is that sense of comfort, the guy is smart enough to gauge that make his move (that has been my experience in the past and it has worked fine) - I explained this to him and he said "You should have made that clear" He wanted constant reassurance that I liked him and thought he was attractive, wanted to know all about my dating history and which guys I still talk to / keep in touch with from my old workplace (he still works there) I DID feel bad/guilty and so I apologized, requesting he not be so upset. He then proceeded to tell me that I don't make him feel 'welcome' that I had my leather jacket on the whole time our past two dates and that he likes to see what I'm wearing ... (I'm always VERY cold temperature wise and therefore tend to keep my jacket) I explained this to him and he tried unzipping my jacket, I quickly zipped it back up and explained to him that I don't want to get emotionally attached / vulnerable and that I will be taking things slow, I will be cautious and that is just the way things will be. He kept asking "Why .. Why are you scared? " "Did you ever think that *I* could be getting emotionally attached to YOU?" "What if I told you, you wouldn't be the only one that would be vulnerable in this relationship ... and you need to do things like this to achieve a meaningful relationship" I continued to explain to him I was scared and simply wanted to get to know him better and that's all there is to it. He said he wanted to kiss me really badly, I explained that this was not the time or place for that and if he tried I'd have to slap him. He said "Well I don't want to get slapped so I better take you home" I responded "Well, just don't try kissing me and we should be fine" Finally, he simmered down and wasn't that upset - Said we should talk soon and that *I* should give him a call and that we'd see eachother soon... I said 'okay'. He proceeded to give me a forceful hug, and I left. I felt like I was at fault. I DID like him, I can see a lot of potential and good in him. I feel bad that he drove all the way up to see me with these crazy gas prices and that he was disappointed (his exact words) - Which I found odd as I flat out asked him what his expectations were and he said "None .. I don't have any, I'm just going with the flow" if that IS the case, then how can one get 'disappointed' that word denotes that you HAD expectations ... And your expectations were NOT met and that is WHY you are 'disappointed' I texted him after and thanked him for the company and driving up to see me, wished him a good night, and a safe drive. Also said not to be upset and that we'd talk soon only cause I don't like tension/confrontation. To which he NEVER responded not, a thank you, not a sleep well, good night ... Not a 'thank you for the cookies' I will *NOT* be contacting him again and I highly doubt he'll get in touch with me. I wish things had gone differently as I still believe he has good in him ... Maybe he was insecure/nervous? Who knows.... Oh well, I've learned from this experience and thanks to everyone for your input - It was much appreciated. Don't think I agree here that he's been ever so patient and you've been slow. You want to get to know him as a person before getting physical; that seems absolutely fine to me. I suppose what triggered warning bells in my head is when you said he kept trying to touch you on that first date and calling you cute. He's eager to get physical and while that's alright if you want that from the start, if you want to see if he's a stick around kind of guy, it's not necessarily the way to go. I think he's putting pressure on you, sort of saying, 'is this gonna get physical soon or not?'. He wants to control where he sees you to give himself that opportunity. You should have some say in where you feel comfortable meeting too. When you said, you gave in, I really did get the impression that you felt pressured and weren't entirely happy with the way it was going. I'd say trust your instincts. If he likes you, he'll carry on seeing you, even though he might want to get closer faster than you. If he's just looking for sex, he'll lose interest pretty quickly.
NXS Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Thanks for the update, it sounds like a bit of a disaster. Maybe this guy is used to getting things his own way and not very accomodating of others.
dispatch3d Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 He kept asking "Why .. Why are you scared? " "Did you ever think that *I* could be getting emotionally attached to YOU?" "What if I told you, you wouldn't be the only one that would be vulnerable in this relationship ... and you need to do things like this to achieve a meaningful relationship" I continued to explain to him I was scared and simply wanted to get to know him better and that's all there is to it. He said he wanted to kiss me really badly, I explained that this was not the time or place for that and if he tried I'd have to slap him. He said "Well I don't want to get slapped so I better take you home" I responded "Well, just don't try kissing me and we should be fine" Finally, he simmered down and wasn't that upset - Said we should talk soon and that *I* should give him a call and that we'd see eachother soon... I said 'okay'. He proceeded to give me a forceful hug, and I left. I felt like I was at fault. I DID like him, I can see a lot of potential and good in him. It's hard to tell what happened. I'd stray away from "at fault" definitions. There is your perspective, and his perspective, and I don't see how "faults" could play into that. It sounds like he was looking for some reassurances or progression in the relationship, where you wanted it to progress much more slowly. I found the above paragraphs pretty interesting. "I will have to slap you" - it sounds like at this point he had triggered some kind of defense mechanism. You also stated earlier "he seemed a little hurt" something something. Basically that he was a little emotional at the start as well. For some reason you two rubbed each other wrong in this encounter. It could have been just too high expectations. It sounds like he wanted a not dating/dating switch to be flipped - which never happened. I cannot tell what you were hoping for out of this meeting. Fwiw I think a movie was a bad idea. I can't really add any insight though, you have to figure this stuff out ;-).
TuffCookieX Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 It's hard to tell what happened. I'd stray away from "at fault" definitions. There is your perspective, and his perspective, and I don't see how "faults" could play into that. It sounds like he was looking for some reassurances or progression in the relationship, where you wanted it to progress much more slowly. I found the above paragraphs pretty interesting. "I will have to slap you" - it sounds like at this point he had triggered some kind of defense mechanism. You also stated earlier "he seemed a little hurt" something something. Basically that he was a little emotional at the start as well. For some reason you two rubbed each other wrong in this encounter. It could have been just too high expectations. It sounds like he wanted a not dating/dating switch to be flipped - which never happened. I cannot tell what you were hoping for out of this meeting. Fwiw I think a movie was a bad idea. I can't really add any insight though, you have to figure this stuff out ;-). I agree with this post. I don't think he "just wanted sex." I think he wanted reassurance of your interest and you weren't giving it to him physically or emotionally. Baking cookies is cool, but that's something you could do for anyone, even a neighbor, or your gay best friend. There is no personal touch and it still doesn't show him your feelings. I think you're just wasting his time. You may think he's a "good guy" but he needs to find someone who is on the same level of infatuation, you just can't provide him with the affection he would like to feel.
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