Pilates Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Talked to him Friday...nothing special but got myself hoping he'd contact me over the weekend which of course he didn't. My vacation plans have been changed, and I was disappointed so I was weak when I saw him. So NC starts again today. I get the distinct impression he is feeling guilty and pulling away or just plain hates me and thinks I am hideous and is pulling away, so hopefully I will be able to stick with NC. He's so friendly with everyone, but now I feel out of that loop and so sad. So stupid to have gotten involved the way I did. I really think he used to like me as a person and friend. He just seems to turn on a dime sometimes.
Hazyhead Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I'm sorry, Pilates, I'm not familiar with your story, if you've posted prior to this then I apologise for missing information. May I ask, why are you in NC? Is it so that you can move forward and heal? Or, is it because he has imposed it? Your worries below seem mostly to be directed towards him - how he is feeling / what he is wanting, etc. These kind of thoughts can bring such torment and make NC very difficult to manage. What about you? How do you feel about NC? Is there anything that you hope to get from it? I have to say, during the first couple of tries at NC, for me, my brain wasn't really with it. I was just going through the motions, thinking only about if and when he'd be in touch again. Then I would jump. It wasn't until I had had enough of the hurt and deception that I truly was in NC - I used it to move on from the affair and his destructive behaviour. What do you want from this? Think carefully about what is best for you and how you could achieve that.
Emme Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I really don't know how we are suppose to do it. I mean if someone is a part of your life for a long time... How are you just suppose to let go. I think it's ok to fall off track. I know I am fighting with every will to not pick up the phone and call him. Pilates you just have to stay strong. Think of it as a new years resolution... well yeah we break them but this one you can't break. When I get the addiction feeling I come here. I actually live here. My new addiction is going to be LoveShack. We are all in the same boat and when you need support log on and we'll get the straight jackets and put you in it . It's a painful process... out of sight out of mind really doesn't work in our case. More out of sight more on our mind . Just continue to play the pretend game and get through the day. Remember to breathe!
Jane Deaux Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Emme, I know just what you mean. I contemplated starting a thread that said Having another affair...with LS. I am addicted to coming here and reading and getting my strength of will back! Pilates, It's not as if you purposefully called him. You saw him at work, no? So you shouldn't beat yourself up too much about breaking contact. Also, I seriously doubt he hates you. He is prob just feeling guilty. He may also be wanting to put that distance because he sees how contact with each other is difficult and makes you have expectations. Maybe. I don't know but I'm sure he doesn't hate you. Also, remember to be strong when you are contacted again. Do you want him to contact you? Are you wanting this to continue. The thing I'm confused about in your thread is what is it you are wanting from this. To me, what I gather is you are doing NC because you think he doesn't want what you guys were flirting towards in the beginning. So NC helps you get over him. But if he began the flirting again you would jump back in the boat? I am genuinely asking, not trying to be harsh. Just trying to verify so you can get the best advice.
Author Pilates Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 Jane Deaux, I do want him...I want him terribly. I shouldn't, and I tell myself I don't, but I guess I began to develop feelings at some point and trying this NC has made me see that. I didn't want to say that here, but it's anonymous, and I am just being honest. He called me tonight...just to chat...and I was/am thrilled even though I know this will never lead anywhere good. If he wanted to get physical, I would in a heartbeat. I am sorry. I tried lying to myself but deep down I know what I want. As strong as my intentions are, when he approaches me I melt. I would not make a physical move though (invite him to my place, anything like that)...but I would not push him away if he made a move. To me, I guess NC is more about me not initiating contact, but I just do not want to shut him out if he makes it. I know I may get some hateful comments for this, but like you said, for the best advice I should be honest. I try to want what is right, but I desire him so much.
mizliz Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Jane Deaux, I do want him...I want him terribly. I shouldn't, and I tell myself I don't, but I guess I began to develop feelings at some point and trying this NC has made me see that. I didn't want to say that here, but it's anonymous, and I am just being honest. He called me tonight...just to chat...and I was/am thrilled even though I know this will never lead anywhere good. If he wanted to get physical, I would in a heartbeat. I am sorry. I tried lying to myself but deep down I know what I want. As strong as my intentions are, when he approaches me I melt. I would not make a physical move though (invite him to my place, anything like that)...but I would not push him away if he made a move. To me, I guess NC is more about me not initiating contact, but I just do not want to shut him out if he makes it. I know I may get some hateful comments for this, but like you said, for the best advice I should be honest. I try to want what is right, but I desire him so much. No contact is a tool to use when you want to work on yourself. That doesn't seem to be the case for you, sweet pea. I guess my advice would be, ask yourself - "What do I want?" After you figure that out, ask yourself; "What does this man bring to my life? If he makes you happy and you are happy - enjoy the ride. Best of luck!
Amour7 Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Oh man, can I relate to this, Pilates! I am sorry it is so hard. Here is what I learned through my short-lived attempt at NC: for me, it wouldn't work as long as there were things I had not felt like I had communicated to him. I broke down and emailed him because I felt very unresolved. I had never explicitly asked him if we could leave his W for me. In vague terms, I said I wouldn't wait forever, and I said that I would hate to ask him to leave his family. And yet, deep down, I wanted him exclusively and needed to ask him for that. I berated myself for not being strong enough to maintain NC but here's the deal: you have got to be true to yourself. Tell him what you want; ask him for what you need. Let him tell you he can't give that to you (maybe one last time), and then maybe NC will feel right. Or maybe not, and there will be more you need to try, to let happen to you, to break your heart before it feels like the absolute right thing to do. Until it feels like it is what you need, I think it is too hard of a battle to wager with yourself. Thinking of you at this emotionally trying time... Jane Deaux, I do want him...I want him terribly. I shouldn't, and I tell myself I don't, but I guess I began to develop feelings at some point and trying this NC has made me see that. I didn't want to say that here, but it's anonymous, and I am just being honest. He called me tonight...just to chat...and I was/am thrilled even though I know this will never lead anywhere good. If he wanted to get physical, I would in a heartbeat. I am sorry. I tried lying to myself but deep down I know what I want. As strong as my intentions are, when he approaches me I melt. I would not make a physical move though (invite him to my place, anything like that)...but I would not push him away if he made a move. To me, I guess NC is more about me not initiating contact, but I just do not want to shut him out if he makes it. I know I may get some hateful comments for this, but like you said, for the best advice I should be honest. I try to want what is right, but I desire him so much.
Amour7 Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Pilates, I am thinking about you and wondering how you are today. As I said above, I can relate to your struggle with NC/LC, when your true deep down desire is to talk with him, be with him, and all of that. However you are doing, whatever has happened or not, feel free to post your truth here if it would help. I know that it can be hard if you feel like people will perceive you as weak or wrong, but know that many of us out here understand. If we can help, please let us know. Be well.
Emme Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Emme, I know just what you mean. I contemplated starting a thread that said Having another affair...with LS. I am addicted to coming here and reading and getting my strength of will back! Addiction and therapy in one...We need to come up with some LoveShack recipes. No matter where on the board people come here and the sadness of the circumstances make them munch. It's the norm... so we need a LoveShack Happy Recipe.
Flabbergaster Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I know I may get some hateful comments for this, but like you said, for the best advice I should be honest. I try to want what is right, but I desire him so much. Many of us go to NC because it is the only way we can survive that desire. With LC, the desire overwhelms and you can find yourself suffering, waiting for the call. With NC, you know the call isn't going to come. You still WANT him, oh yes. It's been over a month of NC for me, after months of LC, and I still dream of her from time to time. With LC...I was going nuts. With NC...i'm just suffering, while slowly recovering. I'm not dying while waiting / hoping for her to call...because I know she isnt' going to call. I would love for it to happen...and to jump right back into hell...but it's not going to. That's why i'm in NC. Somedays the cure is...almost as bad as the disease. But not quite. Be upset with you for desiring him? I'm gonna pour you a shot of this tequila so you can sip it for the pain, like i'm doing. This too, shall pass.
Jane Deaux Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 I'm gonna pour you a shot of this tequila so you can sip it for the pain, like i'm doing. This too, shall pass. Lol. You sound like me. Although I'm not in NC in anyway, I find myself drinking more. And my favorite line of all time is This too shall pass. I've said it for years. And it's so true. Hi Pilates. How are you dealing today? Has acknowledging that you really want him helped you in any way? Have you still decided to do NC for your own benefit? Or are you guys back in contact? What is your feelings on where this is going? Do you want some sort of relationship with him or do you just want NSA fun?
Author Pilates Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 I don't think that acknowledging it has really helped me. Talked today for a minute, but he pulled back a bit - AGAIN. I referred to something from one of our steamier chats (I didn't say anything sexually explicit, it was just alluding to something he'd said) and he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about, and I felt so stupid. What you guys said in my other thread was right on, and of course I didn't listen...the second he contacts me I am thrilled because it makes me think he actually likes me, but within a few days I am back down feeling lower than before. I should've listened. I would've been his OW, but I guess he doesn't want one. Or, he just doesn't want ME. Yet he finds me acceptable enough to toy with. Or sometimes he wants me, but then 2 days later he doesn't. I am beginning to think he is just an attention whore....there could very well be 5 other women he's doing this with; whoever can build him up at the moment. How would I even know. I know I have a lot of good qualities but right now they don't feel like they are worth anything. You were all right about him. And tomorrow or next week when he is sweet again I just hope I have enough strength to not care as much.
desertIslandCactus Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I don't think that acknowledging it has really helped me. Talked today for a minute, but he pulled back a bit - AGAIN. I referred to something from one of our steamier chats (I didn't say anything sexually explicit, it was just alluding to something he'd said) and he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about, and I felt so stupid. What you guys said in my other thread was right on, and of course I didn't listen...the second he contacts me I am thrilled because it makes me think he actually likes me, but within a few days I am back down feeling lower than before. I should've listened. Honey, you don't need his validation. It's not a full time Committed relationship, and you are a whole woman. Being on someone's 'beck and call', is for marriage - and when the two are of the same accord and your love is reciprocated. I would've been his OW, but I guess he doesn't want one. Or, he just doesn't want ME. Yet he finds me acceptable enough to toy with. Or sometimes he wants me, but then 2 days later he doesn't. I am beginning to think he is just an attention whore....there could very well be 5 other women he's doing this with; whoever can build him up at the moment. How would I even know. Regardless, he appears to be using Your emotions for his fantasy. And you don't need to be feeding someone who is uncertain. I know I have a lot of good qualities but right now they don't feel like they are worth anything. You were all right about him. And tomorrow or next week when he is sweet again I just hope I have enough strength to not care as much. A good NC will happen when you have finally had Enough, and know who you are. It can happen.
Author Pilates Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 So this morning when I saw him I wasn't super friendly....I'm kind of getting pissed to be honest. He told me I'm moodier than his W. WTH. Then don't talk to me. Don't call me. Don't tell me you want to go down on me or see me naked and then act like you are bothered by me! Sorry TMI. I have to break free of this....but can someone pls. Explain WHY if he is never going to want to seal the deal, why initiate a call or a meeting that never happens? Why not let me break away? Yet he'll act like nothing is going on, or I'm the one with the problem. Why would a person do this?
skywriter Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Hmmmm, maybe he's selfish. Maybe he's addicted to you and he knows, that if he initiates something with you, like, making contact ,that you're gonna take the bait.
spice4life Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 So this morning when I saw him I wasn't super friendly....I'm kind of getting pissed to be honest. He told me I'm moodier than his W. WTH. Then don't talk to me. Don't call me. Don't tell me you want to go down on me or see me naked and then act like you are bothered by me! Sorry TMI. I have to break free of this....but can someone pls. Explain WHY if he is never going to want to seal the deal, why initiate a call or a meeting that never happens? Why not let me break away? Yet he'll act like nothing is going on, or I'm the one with the problem. Why would a person do this? Pilates, you are not moody at all. A's MAKE you moody and you sound like a well balanced person, so don't even listen to that garbage because it is not true. The A dynamic is what makes a person moody and nothing else. You have every right to be angry and frustrated after a statement like that. It sounds like this guy doesn't take any responsibility what so ever for the turmoil he plays a part in creating and chooses to put you down instead. I don't know about you, but a comment like that would be enough for me to promptly insert my foot up his azz and leave the boot in there as I walk away. Wow, some of these MM's never cease to amaze me. Oy, this A stuff is just too heart wrenching. Pilates, you have choices, it's up to you decide.
2sure Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Its likely that he does want to cheat, does want to have an affair...but is pulling back because he doesnt really want it to happen with someone he works with. Too risky.
HalfAlive22 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Pilates, you are not moody at all. A's MAKE you moody and you sound like a well balanced person, so don't even listen to that garbage because it is not true. The A dynamic is what makes a person moody and nothing else. You have every right to be angry and frustrated after a statement like that. It sounds like this guy doesn't take any responsibility what so ever for the turmoil he plays a part in creating and chooses to put you down instead. I don't know about you, but a comment like that would be enough for me to promptly insert my foot up his azz and leave the boot in there as I walk away. Wow, some of these MM's never cease to amaze me. Oy, this A stuff is just too heart wrenching. Pilates, you have choices, it's up to you decide. well balanced? she wants to be the OW, how is that well balanced? lol
Flabbergaster Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 What's the party line? Go to therapy, find out why you're so easily manipulated by this man. He's doing fairly classic PUA (pick up artist) techniques. He's doing push (not calling, laughing it off, pushing you off), and pull (telling you he wants to go down on you, imagining you naked, etc). The point of this is to make you upset, so that you PROVE to him that he SHOULD want you. Preferably by PULLING him into bed and being ferocious (because you're so frustrated by him), and thinking it was your idea. Walk away from this one. Broken man-finder. Go to therapy to learn how to fix it. Pick up a book on PUA techniques, so you can recognize when they are being used against you. Note: he might not be a 'trained' malicious PUA, he might just have natural skills. Either way...learn to defend against this.
Author Pilates Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 What's the party line? Go to therapy, find out why you're so easily manipulated by this man. He's doing fairly classic PUA (pick up artist) techniques. He's doing push (not calling, laughing it off, pushing you off), and pull (telling you he wants to go down on you, imagining you naked, etc). The point of this is to make you upset, so that you PROVE to him that he SHOULD want you. Preferably by PULLING him into bed and being ferocious (because you're so frustrated by him), and thinking it was your idea. Walk away from this one. Broken man-finder. Go to therapy to learn how to fix it. Pick up a book on PUA techniques, so you can recognize when they are being used against you. Note: he might not be a 'trained' malicious PUA, he might just have natural skills. Either way...learn to defend against this. Never have had an inclination towards broken men before...not that I don't think therapy might not help me...help me figure out why my entire sense of self-worth seems to rest on what I perceive this man thinks about me. Never heard of the PUA stuff. Interesting, as are all of the insights presented here.
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