MutteringUrchin Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Don't you hate that? You've seen it in all the movies -- I've seen it in all the movies. It's like Three Men and a Little Lady, only far, far worse. I met a woman years ago. I've met many women. This one was like no other. Our relationship has often been "on and off", though we flirt occasionally. And the thought of her marrying another man and having his kids is one of the only things that actually makes my blood boil. It's like a seething, barbaric, inner rage. Yesterday, being the stubborn fool I am, I finally admit that I still have feelings for her -- deep feelings. She tells me in response that she's marrying her new short-term boyfriend at the end of the year, and thought I should know. Now, I think I know what to do in this situation, but it'd be nice to hear it from someone else with the experience. Do I disappear from her life . . . or do I sit there, attempting to remain her friend whilst burning inside like a box of prankster's poop on Halloween? I lose either way (or maybe I win?), but all opinions welcome.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Just walk away for a while. Get used to the idea that she's marrying someone else and move on romantically. If you can be her friend do so latter. Who knows if you ever do walk back to being her friend...at that time you may be in a relationship and her engagement may be off. Then you may not even want her back. Who knows. Just move on.
Imajerk17 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Don't you hate that? You've seen it in all the movies -- I've seen it in all the movies. It's like Three Men and a Little Lady, only far, far worse. I met a woman years ago. I've met many women. This one was like no other. Our relationship has often been "on and off", though we flirt occasionally. And the thought of her marrying another man and having his kids is one of the only things that actually makes my blood boil. It's like a seething, barbaric, inner rage. Yesterday, being the stubborn fool I am, I finally admit that I still have feelings for her -- deep feelings. She tells me in response that she's marrying her new short-term boyfriend at the end of the year, and thought I should know. Now, I think I know what to do in this situation, but it'd be nice to hear it from someone else with the experience. Do I disappear from her life . . . or do I sit there, attempting to remain her friend whilst burning inside like a box of prankster's poop on Halloween? I lose either way (or maybe I win?), but all opinions welcome. So why didn't you and she get together?
Author MutteringUrchin Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 Who said we didn't? Way too much of a long story for this thread, though. So I kept it simple.
Imajerk17 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Clif notes version. Who was the one who wanted more--you or her? She sounds like a typical LS chick. Meet guy, fall in love in a couple weeks, says she is going to marry him within a month. Odds are they will be broken up instead.
jane100 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 You sound like a guy full of passion, sounds great. But, why didn't you go for her in the first place ? You just decided now ?
Author MutteringUrchin Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 Definitely cliff notes. I could probably write three books on the entire thing. On her: I can't lie; the evil part of me wants it to flop -- is convinced she is a serial dater/relationshipist. But -- and hear me out -- I'd like to think that the majority of my being genuinely cares enough about her to forsake my selfish desires for her happiness. These desires, however, are stronger than the iron fists of one thousand angry titans, pounding blackholes into a million galaxies simultaneously, while listening to hard rock music and surfing on crystal rainbows. Yeah, I've never been so convinced about one woman so much in my entire life. It's quite insane. If anyone else has been in this position, your comments will be welcome.
Author MutteringUrchin Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 You sound like a guy full of passion, sounds great. But, why didn't you go for her in the first place ? You just decided now ? Long saga. We had a "thing" (yeah, one of those). It was beautiful, but we were constantly competing with each other -- trying to one-up eachother -- it was like a rivalry, mixed with lust, mixed with the most unique relationships I've ever had/still have. Rivalries and romance can always get out of hand, though, and at the time, it did.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I had a relationship like that. The intensity of it was both fun and infuriating. I still just say walk away. Let her marry that guy and go on to someone else.
Ms. Joolie Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Oh, MutteringUrchin, if it wasn't your vision to marry her, don't be disappointed. I am sorry the relationship you knew with her is over though. And I have no idea what "one-up each other" means. Sounds like an evil romantic headache you enjoyed. lol
Author MutteringUrchin Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 Oh, MutteringUrchin, if it wasn't your vision to marry her, don't be disappointed. I am sorry the relationship you knew with her is over though. And I have no idea what "one-up each other" means. Sounds like an evil romantic headache you enjoyed. lol That's just the thing: she's the only woman I ever truly wanted to marry. She has an amazing mind. And we used to talk about marriage way back. It's a shame I can't bring myself to succumb to the further mortification of telling her this one last detail. I'm obviously afraid it won't make any difference. And do I want it to? She's getting married. I'm an a-hole if I try to get in the way any further. Yet, I can watch it happen and regret it. Mrlonelyone, thanks for your advice.
Eeyore79 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I have been in the situation that your ex is in. I had an on/off relationship with a man for many years; I loved him, and the fact that the relationship was "off" sometimes was his choice, not mine. Eventually I grew up and realized that if he really wanted me he'd never have let me go, the relationship would never have been "off", and he'd have committed to me years ago. I'm not somebody's safety net; I'm not just going to wait in the background until he's finished playing the field and finally wants to be with me. He's been engaged and broken it off, has lived with a few women and broken up with them, and even had a child with one woman... and then he decides he loved me all along? Yeah right!! If he genuinely loved me he'd have always been with me and none of the other stuff would ever have happened. I'm now in a relationship with someone else who has been honest about his desire to be with me since day one, who has never messed me around by coming and going and changing his mind. He's stable and reliable, and has never abandoned me or let me down. Ever since he met me, I've been the only one for him - unlike my ex, who was perfectly happy to have other relationships and not even see me for months/years on end. I still have feelings for my ex, but I realize he's unreliable and is not a good prospect for a lasting relationship. There's no guarantee he would ever commit to me - he hasn't even been able to commit to staying in a relationship with me these past years, never mind being able to commit to actually marrying me. It would be stupid of me to exchange a loving, reliable man for someone who has already shown his inability to commit to me over a number of years. I'm sorry that it took so long for you to realize that you love this woman. But the fact is, when she was available you obviously didn't want her, otherwise you'd have been with her the whole time and she'd never have met her fiance. Those "off" periods send a loud clear signal to a woman thay you're not reliable and committed to always being there for her, so instead she chose someone who can offer her that commitment. If the "off" periods were your doing, you only have yourself to blame if she moved on. Even if she was suddenly single, would you really be prepared to commit to her? Or would you just carry on with the on/off treatment? I think all you can do under these circumstances is be glad she found someone reliable who doesn't constantly come and go in her life as you did, wish her well and move on.
Author MutteringUrchin Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 (edited) Eeyore79, the mistake you make -- and it's an easy one to occur when speaking on such sensitive topics -- is mixing your own experiences into a pre-conceived idea about me. It's fair enough, though, seeing as this is an open forum and your post was fascinating. Here is where I and your ex differ: When her and I had our thing, I made it known I loved her, as did she. There was no dilly-dally on the way. Secondly, when involved with me, she kissed another guy. So that, naturally, threw a shimmering spanner right in our works. I won't go into the rest of the details, but suffice to say, I didn't play around. The reason for the On and Off syndrome was down to who my ex and I were as individuals at that particular moment in time, combined with clashing schedules. But never once did I stall or play host to any manner of psychological-olympic games; I was honest and upfront from the beginning. When her and I initially went our separate ways -- this was *after* she was unfaithful -- it was her who proceeded to chase *me*. The only mistake I can see that I made was rejecting her advances when I was in a new relationship, even though we both knew I still had feelings for her. But is dismissing the re-newed advances of an ex when in a new relationship really a mistake? I'm not entirely sure. Give me your opinion. Edited March 21, 2011 by MutteringUrchin
Eeyore79 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Obviously I can only speak from my experience of being in a similar situation, as I don't know the details of your situation. I was hoping that explaining my thoughts about an on/off ex-boyfriend might give you some insight into how your ex might be feeling, and might give some idea of why she might have chosen to marry this other man. What I will say is this: I'm sure my ex would probably say the same as you did, that we were apart because of "clashing schedules" and "who we were as individuals at that particular moment in time". He lived in one place and I lived in another, we were doing different things, and I'm sure he thought that justified us being apart. But from my point of view, if we loved each other we would have found a way to be together - I'd have quit my job and moved to be with him, or he could have changed his plans and stayed with me. I would have quit college and lived in a cardboard box with him if it meant we could be together, but he obviously didn't feel so strongly that we couldn't live without each other. I can understand why you broke up with this woman in the first place, and I agree that you were right to be loyal to your current relationship rather than going back to your ex, especially because it was her fault that she was your ex. But surely there must have been some times when there was an opportunity for you to be together - maybe during one of your "on" periods? I'm sure that (as in my relationship) you could have been together if you were both prepared to do whatever it takes to make that happen. I would have done anything for my ex, but he clearly didn't think I was worth the sacrifice, and eventually I got tired of wasting my time and effort on him. Either one or both of you were not enough into the relationship to make the necessary sacrifices to be together. If you gave your all and she was the one who didn't reciprocate, then there's nothing more you could have done. As I said before, all you can do at this point is wish her well and move on.
Author MutteringUrchin Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 I can understand why you broke up with this woman in the first place, and I agree that you were right to be loyal to your current relationship rather than going back to your ex, especially because it was her fault that she was your ex. But surely there must have been some times when there was an opportunity for you to be together - maybe during one of your "on" periods? I'm sure that (as in my relationship) you could have been together if you were both prepared to do whatever it takes to make that happen. I would have done anything for my ex, but he clearly didn't think I was worth the sacrifice, and eventually I got tired of wasting my time and effort on him. Either one or both of you were not enough into the relationship to make the necessary sacrifices to be together. If you gave your all and she was the one who didn't reciprocate, then there's nothing more you could have done. As I said before, all you can do at this point is wish her well and move on. I think it was an issue of timing. It always was. Since her and I have known each other, there has always been a strange frustration -- call it lust, call it a spark, whatever one likes -- but it has always been there and has survived for five years. In the face of this "spark", however, one of us has always been in a relationship with someone else. It was like that when we first met. I won't make a splash into the juice of the details, but we've always tried to respect each other's boundaries in that way, rather than give in to whatever selfish desires exist. If I had a woman, she'd muzzle her feelings to keep it platonic, and vice versa. The one period of our relationship when we were both single, romance occurred both colourfully and amazingly. We were protective and very possessive with one another, and though rare, we loved that fact. It's hard for me to admit this, but I would've probably done anything to make her happy (within reason, naturally). And that's the twist of the knife: to be happy, she must marry him, apparently. A part of me hopes she reads this, a part of me wishes to just let her marry him and pop out the babies that should probably be mine, while he eats my future honeymoon breakfast and takes my place leaving the toilet seat up. Feels like I'm losing her for good. I'm so gutted, it's unreal. Blogshack.
Ms. Joolie Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 My heart goes out to you. Obviously you are in love with her. A conversation with her about this would be lovely and bold, and she would love it. It's now or never. I believe this kind of honest admittance on your part will bring relief to you and a great conversation with her. I don't know what you really want to do about the situation though. Perhaps be even bolder and make a move, or leave her with peace on the track she is on.
IcyBabe Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 It's completely desperate and pathetic but some girls are more in love with the idea of getting married rather than marrying the one that is right for her [as a woman, I see them as the type that give us all a bad image]. Considering you said you assume she's a serial dater this may possibly be the case. You also said that she cheated on you, all of this: getting engaged to a guy she doesn't even deep down know , cheating on someone she's seeing, being a serial dater, etc., I'm sorry if this offends you but she seems like a very unstable girl who doesn't know what the hell she really wants and she's hurting people in the process of trying to find out. I understand that you love her, but I have to voice what others have said, it's best to just walk away, I will say in your odds that most marriages made after just a couple months or less of dating have a zip chance of making it because the couple still hardly even know each other and are in for a rude awakening when the honeymoon phase of the relationship is over. If it's any consolation my own "one that got away," just recently got engaged and out of respect for him and even more respect for myself I really don't have any intention of talking to him beyond the basic niceties ["Congratulations...I'm happy for you....best of luck...etc. etc.] I have no intention of indulging in our until late chats of what we'd do if we were together, I deserve better than to be someone's secondary and so do you. Please excuse the cheese but I think this quote says it all: “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”
Author MutteringUrchin Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 It's completely desperate and pathetic but some girls are more in love with the idea of getting married rather than marrying the one that is right for her [as a woman, I see them as the type that give us all a bad image]. Considering you said you assume she's a serial dater this may possibly be the case. You also said that she cheated on you, all of this: getting engaged to a guy she doesn't even deep down know , cheating on someone she's seeing, being a serial dater, etc., I'm sorry if this offends you but she seems like a very unstable girl who doesn't know what the hell she really wants and she's hurting people in the process of trying to find out. I understand that you love her, but I have to voice what others have said, it's best to just walk away, I will say in your odds that most marriages made after just a couple months or less of dating have a zip chance of making it because the couple still hardly even know each other and are in for a rude awakening when the honeymoon phase of the relationship is over. If it's any consolation my own "one that got away," just recently got engaged and out of respect for him and even more respect for myself I really don't have any intention of talking to him beyond the basic niceties ["Congratulations...I'm happy for you....best of luck...etc. etc.] I have no intention of indulging in our until late chats of what we'd do if we were together, I deserve better than to be someone's secondary and so do you. Please excuse the cheese but I think this quote says it all: “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option” No, no, I say bravo for that response, because that's exactly the type of bluntness I like. It was very well-written. Thank you for taking the time. Y'know what the kicker to all this is? I am totally aware that she's as you describe. And I've known this about her since the moment I figured out that I was once a serial dater -- seeing my reflection in her. In a bizarre, twisted way, I kind of saw it as my corny come-uppance at one point (this was after she kissed another man). I've always known, be it from the mouth of friends or old exes, that there will always be one who'll rock your world, only to exit as fast as they came. That's not necessarily what happened here, precisely, but the ironies have long been known. She is definitely unstable on some level. That isn't to say she's a loony toons, as she's actually quite gifted academically, but (and there's always a but) as I just told her five minutes ago: she was the only one to tame the beast. And I was a beast -- a furious savage. But she's a beast of a different type. I know I have to walk away. I know it, it's elementary. I guess I just had to be told. I've been here before, but it's never burned so much. Nevertheless, talking about this actually made me feel slightly better, surprisingly. Thank you all very much. And thanks for sharing your experiences. Score 1 to the Loveshack.
IcyBabe Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 I know, it does hurt like hell and we all feel for you, the spot you're in is never a fun one to be in. In time you'll hopefully be onto better things, just take some time for yourself, go out and do guy stuff and just enjoy being you. Hang in there
Author MutteringUrchin Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 Thanks for the words. Bizarrely enough I've had a few propositions come up within the last 24hrs that I'm actually tempted to take. Normally, I wouldn't, so I probably shouldn't indulge in that sort of sordid behaviour. Does going that classify as "guy" stuff, besides going out to drink beer, eating steak, and watching topless dancers? I should probably go out in a kilt and start chopping wood in the warm summer breeze. Proper manly. But all seriousness aside, you're right. It's time rebuild my preception of the idyllic and precarious "Love of my Life", I imagine. And put the pain of letting this wonderful girl go in a secure, closed-off place within. Saying that, if she's divorced years later and comes barking up the tree again, I'm not sure I'd be able to say No . . . at least not after roses and dinner at Garfunkles.
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