Spring_Forward Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I might get stoned because I am the dumper but let me explain. Couple of days ago, I experienced the straw that broke the camel’s back and have been no contact since then. Info on us: We met online and have entered into a long distance relationship, we are (we are both 38). We have never met but have plans to meet up in a couple of weeks and potentially moving into the same city. During our short time together, I’ve walked away at least three times in reaction to the symptoms of the underlying trust issue. In a nutshell, the issue for me is that I have not been able to put my trust in him. The only thing I can trust is that he will let me down. The last straw he was supposed to call me at 1. By 1:15 based upon his track record I knew he wasn’t going to call me and I had reached my threshold of him meeting my expectations of disappointment. I sent a text expressing my disappointment that he didn’t keep his word. He called maybe twenty minutes later. I didn’t answer (he didn’t leave a msg). I had nothing else to say at that point. I didn’t want to hear the usual excuse, I was busy at work. “Busy at work”, “I work 16 – 18 hours a day” is the reason why contact. I know the last incident seems minor, but truly it are more examples of his actions not matching his words. He’s made no attempt to contact me. In our past break ups have been me getting pissed and suddenly breaking it off (me going NC and him responding with NC), me feeling guilty about the sudden break up, thinking there is something worth salvaging and reaching out to him within about two days of no contact. Each time we talk through the problem, he jokes that he knows I just need a couple days to blow off steam and I will be back. I love him but every time an issue of his dependability surfaces, he fails. I am not comfortable continuing in this relationship as it is when something as minor as keeping his commit to calling me at a certain time takes on such a serious tone. He’s failed every opportunity to establish trust. Other examples of trust issues: he was supposed to send me something important, he didn’t, then went NC for several days, I reached out to him because I wanted an explanation. Something prevented him from doing it but he knew it was a problem when he committed to doing it. If he had just said “no I can’t do it” at any point prior to the NC I would have been loved that his actions matched his words. I’m not sure if contacting him to explain why this break is different will destroy my resolve to move on and replace it with hope that he will suddenly understand how the trust issues have impacted the relationship. Or do you think he knows the problem and no further comment is needed unless he contacts me. Thank you for reading!
depplover_1980 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Your story is not cutting it for me, it seems amiss and I am going to stick my neck on the line (as usual) by saying I suspect you have major issues of your own. I think your example of him not calling at the exact time is very unreasonable, it reeks of control freak to me. I am also curious as to what he didn't send that he was supposed to? Generally I think you are trying to run before you can walk with this guy. You have not even met him in the flesh yet you are placing all sorts of demands upon him, which are unrealistic. How about meeting him first and seeing if you actually have chemistry and like each other? A nice simple start.
Author Spring_Forward Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 (edited) Thanks for responding. The phone call was a small thing that would not ordinarily have any significance and that is the point. I'm down to searching for anything that he has committed to and followed through on. Other examples: 1. Asked me for my mailing address to send Vday card...still waiting 2. Texting is not a replacement for talking and getting to know each other...no need to up the my voice plan. 3. I told him i went over my texting limit last month, so we needed to cut back on the texting in order to stay within my plan. I thought it was very kind of him to offer to send me the difference to up my plan...still waiting but triggered the discussion in example in two. These are just a few examples of actions not meeting words. Control Freak? Maybe, I just don’t think I’m asking too much. Many of the conflicts arise due to things he’s initiated (maybe he was trying to impress me?) but failed to follow through on. At this point my only requests are related to better communication which he agreed to worked on for a couple of days then completely fell off the map with. I don’t want to be unfair to him. I would love for it to work out between us. I’m kinda tired of discussing different flavors of the same issue over and over again with the same outcome. I enjoyed being in a relationship with him but I'm not so sure him keeping commitments now, on small things (which is all we have right now) is not insight into the future. I think he knows the reason for the break up but it is the most compassionate route to reach out to him and have the discussion. I am concerned I will get sucked back into trying to work it out and that does make this tough because I do like him but I am not foolish enough to try and change someone. Edited March 21, 2011 by Spring_Forward correcting paragraph spacing
ccfan Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 (edited) Your story is not cutting it for me, it seems amiss and I am going to stick my neck on the line (as usual) by saying I suspect you have major issues of your own. I think your example of him not calling at the exact time is very unreasonable, it reeks of control freak to me. I am also curious as to what he didn't send that he was supposed to? Generally I think you are trying to run before you can walk with this guy. You have not even met him in the flesh yet you are placing all sorts of demands upon him, which are unrealistic. How about meeting him first and seeing if you actually have chemistry and like each other? A nice simple start. Spot on in my opinion, Spring: based on the info given here it´s almost scary that if he´s 15 or 20 minutes late for a phone call you would not answer it and are consirering ending something that hasn´t begun... i think the very exact things that depplover wrote... Sorry if i´m misjudging here as you could be right about this guy, but based on your post´s info, you are putting way too much pressure on someone you don´t even know for real, almost like you don´t want this relationship to work in advance... My input on this, is that you really need to let this breathe... the more pressure you put on the more it´s going to hurt the possibility of a real relationship happening... if after a while you realize that he´s not to trust, then ok, move along, but as for now you need to relax a bit on the small details... oh and by the way one cannot asume that if someone is kind of distracted on the small things then that person is going to be like that as well on the big issues.. it doesn´t work like that.. Edited March 21, 2011 by ccfan
depplover_1980 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Spring, how often a week do you get to talk? Do you use msn/skpe or basic emails alongside?
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