Whipple Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Here's the scoop: I'm graduating from my medical school in May I'll be doing my training (internship/residency) approximately 200 miles away from where I am now. The guy I am dating will be stuck in our current city for 2 more years because he's in grad school. Right now we've been dating for over 4 months and by the time I leave it will be 7 months total of dating. Although we live in the same city right now, we see each other perhaps two days a week just because we're both busy with school and also we enjoy our own space. But when we hang out together, we make the best of it, enjoy each other's company, and don't make a big deal about little petty things. We both agree that it sucks and being in a LDR will be difficult since we're both busy. But since we get along so great and really don't want to date anyone else, we decided we'll stick together right now and continue on as normal. If things are still going well when I leave, then we agreed to try the LDR. My major concern is that he actually may be somewhat busier than me for a while due to his school. I may actually have to be the one doing most of the traveling for a while. Fortunately there are approx 10 buses/day that go back and forth between our 2 cities so if I get tired of driving... And it's only $60 roundtrip! Probably cheaper than driving my own car actually... This guy is someone I could definitely see myself with longterm, and that's probably the biggest, main reason why I want to continue seeing him after I move. I'm just worried about 1) the fact that we haven't been dating long and 2) our busy schedules. Would you attempt a long distance relationship if you were in our positions and really cared about each other? Or would you just end it right now? I wanted to post this in the LDR forum so I can get opinions of people currently in a LDR.
Els Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I would attempt it, definitely. I have been in one much like that, seeing each other once a month, and it worked out great, didn't feel that much like long distance at all.
lonely79 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 If I were you, I would definitely give it a try. 200 miles is NOT that far at all... I am in a worse situation than you (no possible end date in sight, longer distance, and it was a much newer relationship when we started LD), and we are still giving it a try. Its all about WHO you're with... if they seem worth it to you, why not? you at least have an end date (possibly) in sight! GL
Author Whipple Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 That's what almost everyone is telling me. But for some reason I feel extremely pessimistic and I don't know why. 200 miles isn't that bad. We don't need to see or talk to each other every day. We both have busy lives so we can't sit around and mope. All of his past relationships had some component of long distance so he knows the drill. I've also been in a LDR before, but it was 2000 miles! So this should be cake. He most likely won't be able to get a post-doc job in my city so if we are still together 2 years from now, I will do my very best to transfer to a different training program so I can be near him wherever he does his post-doc. Given all that I said above, I should feel very fortunate so WHY THE **** DO I FEEL SO PESSIMISTIC??? (Pardon the caps.) I didn't feel this pessimistic when my last relationship went LD. Then again, we were dating for 2.5 years but he was a jerk. Maybe this time I feel like there's more on the line that I can lose? Like I said, if this was just an average guy that I had average feelings for and an average compatibility, I wouldn't even think of doing an LDR. But there's something about this guy... Ugh. I feel like ****. Is this normal?
folieadeux Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 You have nothing to lose in trying and it sounds like everything is going great! I would definitely give this one a green light. It'd be a shame not to considering you both seem dedicated to making things work and you have a very doable distance between you. As far as the pessimistic feelings go, perhaps the sadness is just settling in for you the closer you get to moving.
Author Whipple Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 You have nothing to lose in trying and it sounds like everything is going great! I would definitely give this one a green light. It'd be a shame not to considering you both seem dedicated to making things work and you have a very doable distance between you. As far as the pessimistic feelings go, perhaps the sadness is just settling in for you the closer you get to moving.But the thing is that it hasn't even been a week since I found out that I was going to have to move. Is it bad that I'm so pessimistic already? Is this my gut instinct or intuition telling me not to do an LDR? Is it my brain telling me to breakup with him and my heart telling me to stay? Or am I just reading too much into all this?! Ughhh.
creighton0123 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 There's no harm in giving it a try. Figure out a way to go a few months of LDR, then schedule a long trip (three days or more) to see one another and reevaluate whether or not you want to continue with the LDR. I'd offer the following communication advice: 1. Don't base too much communication over text/IM 2. Whenever possible, communicate via Skype/webcam Don't be afraid to.. say... have a video chat open when you both happen to be home, even if you're not saying anything. I find the most amazing level of interaction occurs when you know that you're sharing a space simply by having an open video channel with microphones on mute when you're not talking. You don't have to be communicating to have video chat open.
Author Whipple Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 There's no harm in giving it a try. Figure out a way to go a few months of LDR, then schedule a long trip (three days or more) to see one another and reevaluate whether or not you want to continue with the LDR. I'd offer the following communication advice: 1. Don't base too much communication over text/IM 2. Whenever possible, communicate via Skype/webcam Don't be afraid to.. say... have a video chat open when you both happen to be home, even if you're not saying anything. I find the most amazing level of interaction occurs when you know that you're sharing a space simply by having an open video channel with microphones on mute when you're not talking. You don't have to be communicating to have video chat open.We never IM each other and rarely text so that won't be a big issue. But I doubt that we'll be able to have any long trips such as 3+ days due to our work schedules. I'm hoping that we can at least see each other twice a month. That's what I'm shooting for. You know what? It feels like we've already broken up. I just have this ****ty feeling that an LDR is not going to work so why even try? I need to get these bad thoughts out of my head because the last thing I need to do is sabotage this relationship and create problems when there aren't any. I don't know what to do and why this feels so hopeless. The guy I'm dating says that it doesn't look good and that basically all of his past relationships failed because of distance (although the distance was over 1,000 mi every time) so maybe I'm worried that it will be the same this time. I don't know what to do
LittleTiger Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I don't know what to do and why this feels so hopeless. The guy I'm dating says that it doesn't look good and that basically all of his past relationships failed because of distance (although the distance was over 1,000 mi every time) so maybe I'm worried that it will be the same this time. I don't know what to do My relationship is thriving across 12,000 miles. If you want it to work you will make it work. I agree with everyone else. What have you got to lose by just giving it a go? If you give up before you've even started then you're dooming the relationship to failure. It doesn't have to be that way. If you don't even try you'll always wonder 'what if......?'.
creighton0123 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 You know what? It feels like we've already broken up. I just have this ****ty feeling that an LDR is not going to work so why even try? I need to get these bad thoughts out of my head because the last thing I need to do is sabotage this relationship and create problems when there aren't any. I don't know what to do and why this feels so hopeless. The guy I'm dating says that it doesn't look good and that basically all of his past relationships failed because of distance (although the distance was over 1,000 mi every time) so maybe I'm worried that it will be the same this time. I don't know what to do Ask yourself: Do you want a long distance relationship that will last for at least two years? Don't forget that it won't absolutely be only seeing one another once every two weeks for a day or two. You'll have vacation. He'll have vacation. In fact, since you'll be working you can most likely coordinate vacation to match his school schedule. At one point, though, one or both of you will have to make sacrifices to end the distance. It's not easy. If you're prone to anxiety, doubt, jealousy, etc. etc. etc. it's going to be very difficult. Also, take a step back and reevaluate things. You're currently looking at the thought of a long distance relationship and what that means through the glasses of a relationship. Relationships and LDR's are fundamentally two different things with two entirely different rule-sets and patterns. LDR's require a fair bit of patience, trust, independence, and the ability to laugh things off and let them go, or talk out problems in a mature and straight forward way. It's not just what he wants. It's what you want. Both of you have to make the decision. As I said, perhaps the safe thing to do is to try LDR for a month or two and, after that time is up, reevaluate how you both feel and whether you think it's worth it to continue. Note that if you get two months through a 24 month time apart, you'll be almost 10% through the LDR.
Author Whipple Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 You're currently looking at the thought of a long distance relationship and what that means through the glasses of a relationship.I'm confused about that statement. Could you elaborate or provide an example? Thanks Two years is a long time and that frightens me. There is a teeny tiny chance that I can transfer to a program back to the original city he's in after 1 year. However, I will most likely have to transfer again to follow him to where he does a post-doc. That'll be difficult to transfer twice so it may be my best bet in the long run to wait until 2 years to transfer. We're both very independent people we have that on our side. I'm scared though that he'll throw in the towel prematurely although he gives me no indication of doing that. Before I forget, I want to thank everyone for their contributions to this post. It makes me feel better knowing that I'm not alone and others have survived/are surviving a LDR
Star Gazer Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 You're going to be doing your residency, not some "normal" office job. Do you know how much of a time and effort-commitment an LDR involves?
Author Whipple Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 You're going to be doing your residency, not some "normal" office job. Do you know how much of a time and effort-commitment an LDR involves?Yes, because I was in a 2,000 mi LDR during one of my medical school years. For the sake of anonymity, I will not state which medical specialty I'm doing my residency in. I will say that it's not one where I'll be working 80hrs/wk (like surgery or any of its subspecialties) or one that I'm trapped in the hospital all the time (like internal medicine or pediatrics). The ACGME is also abolishing the 30 hr overnight call and now only allowing interns to work a max of 16 hrs consecutively. I'm hoping that will alleviate some stress.
folieadeux Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 But the thing is that it hasn't even been a week since I found out that I was going to have to move. Is it bad that I'm so pessimistic already? Is this my gut instinct or intuition telling me not to do an LDR? Is it my brain telling me to breakup with him and my heart telling me to stay? Or am I just reading too much into all this?! Ughhh. Just going by what has been posted so far, I think you can attribute it to thinking too much about it. Look at it this way, even if the pair of you didn't have the distance to contend with, you'd still probably see one another about the same due to your busy schedules.
Els Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Yes, because I was in a 2,000 mi LDR during one of my medical school years. For the sake of anonymity, I will not state which medical specialty I'm doing my residency in. I will say that it's not one where I'll be working 80hrs/wk (like surgery or any of its subspecialties) or one that I'm trapped in the hospital all the time (like internal medicine or pediatrics). The ACGME is also abolishing the 30 hr overnight call and now only allowing interns to work a max of 16 hrs consecutively. I'm hoping that will alleviate some stress. That is GREAT to hear! I never understood the rationale of 30 hr calls. Seriously, you've gotta be Buddha incarnate to be able to focus after 20 hours. Contrary to popular belief, LDRs do not take any more time and commitment than committed LTRs where both people live in the same place. Yes, you have to travel, and there will also be significant financial strain, but you actually typically find yourself with more time on your hands in an LDR compared with if you were able to see the person everyday. At least I did. I feel you, I really do. The medical field is a hard one to stay with a partner in because you're basically at the mercy of the medical association, the available specialties, and such. Especially with your partner being a grad student (who will also probably need to move according to supervisor availability/funding... The bf and I are in the same situation as you, except reversed, so trust me, I know how it feels. We were apart for 2+ years, too.
creighton0123 Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 I'm confused about that statement. Could you elaborate or provide an example? Thanks Of course. There are romantic relationships. Then there are long distance, romantic relationships. The two operate in fundamentally different ways. This centers mostly around the ability to touch, in my opinion. Without touch and face to face communication, conveying feeling is much more difficult. Because of that, the paradigms surrounding a relationship will not be the same as those surrounding a long distance relationship. In a relationship, when you are sad you can hug your partner. In a long distance relationship, absence of this can foster doubt. In a relationship, when you are happy or angry, you can talk to your partner almost immediately about what's going on. In a long distance relationship, absence of this can foster resentment. In a relationship, emotion can be conveyed very easily via sex and touch. In a long distance relationship, absence of this can foster confusion. This antonym/synonym nature of the situation is best clarified by saying "I am not in a relationship. I am in a long distance relationship" and to approach the two very differently. You need to feel things differently. You need to express things differently. You need to communicate about things differently. To hold expectations about your LDR partner as you would a partner who is local to you can be much more damaging, most notably when it comes down to two problems: "Why didn't you tell me that?" "Why didn't you come online/call me?" Hope that clarifies my opinion of it.
creighton0123 Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Two years is a long time and that frightens me. There is a teeny tiny chance that I can transfer to a program back to the original city he's in after 1 year. However, I will most likely have to transfer again to follow him to where he does a post-doc. That'll be difficult to transfer twice so it may be my best bet in the long run to wait until 2 years to transfer. We're both very independent people we have that on our side. I'm scared though that he'll throw in the towel prematurely although he gives me no indication of doing that. Before I forget, I want to thank everyone for their contributions to this post. It makes me feel better knowing that I'm not alone and others have survived/are surviving a LDR It is natural to be frightened. That's the doubt and confusion at play. Still, in LDR terms, while two years may seem like an insanely long time, it really isn't. Perhaps the two of you can consider moving to an area where there is more opportunity and medical facilities are abundant. Boston, NYC, Chicago, San Fran to name some. "I'm scared though that he'll throw in the towel prematurely although he gives me no indication of doing that." Isn't that the chance you take with any relationship, whether local or long distance?
Author Whipple Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 Thanks guys! I read and reread everyone's posts and am glad that I have support. It's also nice to hear that someone in a similar situation made it work. But I've been having mental urges to check-in with him and make sure he hasn't changed his mind, so I'll do my best to refrain from doing so. This relationship does not need me sabotaging it. I'm going to use the mindset that if things don't work out, it wasn't because of the distance. I'm going to believe that we would have broken up eventually even if we were living locally. For example, let's say we break up because he "can't handle the distance." If we were living in the same city, I believe we still would have broken up over something that he couldn't handle. Perhaps that's oversimplifying things. But in my last 2 relationships, we did break up when we were LD, but it wasn't the distance that damaged the relationship. It was more about compatibility and personality traits. Being insecure, narcissistic, controlling, and incompatible will mess up any relationship, local or LD. Anyway, that's my blurb to myself.
Recommended Posts