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Posted

not sure if you've read my story.....I've been in NC bf broke up with me 2 weeks ago, but my ex is taking his sweet time getting his stuff from my house (furniture, tools, computer etc). This forces me to have contact on a pure business level. Here was our last conversation:

 

Me "are you getting your stuff"

him "can't today. I need someone to give me a hand. Sorry"

Me "well I have a roommate moving in so can you plz have it out by sat"

him "yup. So you've already started dating?"

Me "where'd you hear that?"

 

Is he possibly regretting his decision? Does he not want me to move on? Since when does getting a roommate translate to me dating again?

Posted

Sounds like he may be acting a little jealous and wanting to know about you life. But he turned his back on that, so it's nothing to do with him anymore. He could be one of those that although he doesn't want you himself, he doesn't want anyone else to have you either.

 

I do believe that there is always some sort of regret for a dumper. Sometimes deep down, sometimes fairly obvious. It's hard to tell how your ex is thinking though just from that bit of contact. The fact is you two have shared your lives for a while, so maybe he's just still thinking he's involved in yours somehow.

 

The question is, are you hoping he's regretting his decision and do you want him back?

Posted (edited)

I don't know what's behind such huge leaps of logic. Think business like as well as talk business like. There's some crap in your house and you want it out. Give him a reasonable deadline (Saturday) and put it outside the house on Saturday for him to collect. Assuming he doesn't have a key for the house, go out all day on Saturday. If he does have a key, get your locks changed.

Edited by betterdeal
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Posted

yes....I hope he regrets his decision........I do want him back.....I love him and miss him like crazy. It's hard to keep things business because I want so badly to just jump back into his arms...I want him to admit he made a mistake and also misses me.

 

I guess maybe I took a leap of faith in what he said, hoping this meant he was changing his mind.

Posted

Does sound like you're trying to find some hope in his messages. Don't get me wrong, he could very well be interested, but until you know for definite you should try not to focus on it - otherwise you'll be over thinking every little thing and it'll drive you nuts.

 

I went NC with the ex and the other week she sends me a joke via text. Just a joke. She's never sent jokes before and knowing her, this is her way of seeing if I'll respond, even with a basic 'lol' or something. I didn't as I'm on NC (and trying my best to stay there until I'm totally over her), but I know what it's like to hope that there's something more in there. I could've replied and hoped for more back from her, but I knew that if I replied it would just fill her ego to know I'm still there when she wants me.

 

Until you know for sure what he wants, or he gives you more obvious signals, I'd try to ignore it best you can. Plus, remember, as the dumpee, it's upto you how things progress should you agree to a second chance. It's your rules and you've got to make him follow them. He's got to prove to you he's worth a second chance. Stay strong.

Posted

If it's over just tell him "we're not gonna go there" to whatever he says. Don't engage him by asking him where he heard something like that. That's letting him in. If you want it over, don't let him engage you.

Posted

When couples break up, they are usually shocked to find out that the other has moved on so quickly and started dating. One would expect some sort of a down period or a mourning for the other person and when it's the opposite, they usually get shocked. It's normal i guess.

 

My ex GF did the same exact thing.

  • Author
Posted

yes I DOOOO want him back very badly :( but I don't know if I keep ruining my chances, or how to do it. i guess because I do want him back I am reading into every little thing to look for signs that there may be a second chance there. How do you stop doing this? I was ecstatic when he asked if I'm already dating........even though I didn't tell him yes or no.

 

he says he's been in really bad moods lately so I think it is hurting him to see me move on and be able to be happy (so I show) without him.

 

it is very hard right now since we are in LC until he gets his stuff from my house.....I am feeling very nervous about him getting his things today, because it'll basically be official, although he still owes me money which he claims he doesn't have yet.

Posted

If you want to give the relationship another chance, it will be best for you both to think carefully about what you don't want, what you don't like, what you will not tolerate (the fundamentals), and to discuss these, and things that annoy you or make you feel bad (the aesthetics) with each other. If you both agree to the fundamentals, as well as reach compromises or agreements on the aesthetics, you'll have a better chance of reviving the relationship with better chances of it being sustainable.

 

If you continue this process of giving feedback to one another and adjusting to suit the situation where you are able to, you will then have a realistic, dynamic and adaptable relationship.

 

It's up to you and him, if you want to invest in developing this kind of relationship. Whatever the case, just hoping things will be okay if only he changes his mind very rarely results in success.

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Posted
If you want to give the relationship another chance, it will be best for you both to think carefully about what you don't want, what you don't like, what you will not tolerate (the fundamentals), and to discuss these, and things that annoy you or make you feel bad (the aesthetics) with each other. If you both agree to the fundamentals, as well as reach compromises or agreements on the aesthetics, you'll have a better chance of reviving the relationship with better chances of it being sustainable.

 

If you continue this process of giving feedback to one another and adjusting to suit the situation where you are able to, you will then have a realistic, dynamic and adaptable relationship.

 

It's up to you and him, if you want to invest in developing this kind of relationship. Whatever the case, just hoping things will be okay if only he changes his mind very rarely results in success.

 

unfortunately, I think it's up to HIM.....he broke up with me, I begged and cried on his shoulder....he left anyway. I don't want to ask again, because I don't want to look desperate. He told me to move on, so after putting up a fight that's exactly what I started doing. Just that now he is jealous and hateful towards me, but hasn't mentioned anything about wanting to talk. He just says he's been in bad moods and is miserable. So how do I even know that it's because of the breakup that he's miserable, or the fact that he's seeing me move on instead of begging and crying. I think he's just confused and insecure with me moving on. He's even come twice to get his stuff, and keeps leaving so much behind. He is now accusing me of having a boyfriend (out of nowhere!). Why are guys so confusing! I made the mistake of engaging in his anger and letting his accusations get to me.....can't do that again.

Posted

Well, sound like you've made a decision and are moving on, which is good! Consider my advice when you next get into a relationship with someone.

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Posted
Well, sound like you've made a decision and are moving on, which is good! Consider my advice when you next get into a relationship with someone.

 

well...not so much made a decision as to I don't really have a choice haha. His behavior lately is giving me false hope that he may be second guessing his decision and I'm trying SO hard not to buy into it and to stay strong. It's definitely hard, I miss him SOOOO much. But sometimes it can be easier to let go when you have no other choice.

Posted

OP, he broke up with you but, typical of many men and women, enjoys the Cheer's effect. In his case (man), that would be he wouldn't mind having you around to bang (sorry for crudity but there's no love in that dynamic).

 

True second thoughts would be agreeing to meet you to get his stuff, proactively, and then having a serious relationship discussion during that meeting. He's come twice to get stuff and none of that has happened. It's just an intentional or unintentional game.

 

 

'I've got a roommate moving in Saturday. I called (xxxx charity) to donate your remaining items you choose not to come get by xxxx'. Anything not donated will go in the trash'

 

Reviewing this thread, you lived together for six months in 'your house'. Time to reclaim your territory and accept the reality shared in that first post on LS. Good luck :)

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Posted

 

both times he came to get his stuff, I chose NOT to be home.....therefore if he did want to have a discussion he wasn't able to.

 

He came twice and neither time did he take ALL his stuff. So after the second time he came I re-stated the deadline via text to get his things and he accuses me of having a boyfriend and that my new boyfriend should f*ck off if he has a problem with his stuff being there. i never tried to make him jealous, or said anything about having a boyfriend. This he made up in his own head...

Posted

Sure he was 'able to'. He could have easily said 'I would like you to be there so we can talk. I'm regretting my decision and want to discuss it with you'. Then, if you chose not to engage him, he made the proactive effort and the responsibility would be upon you for disengaging. That's not what happened.

 

From my perspective, this is typical 'games'. My exW and I settled up and dispersed 10 years of 'stuff' without any of this rancor, but I do understand the emotional impetus for it. The work is moving beyond that, neutralizing the emotions and resolving things in a healthy way. Both of you have choices within that realm. You have no control over his choices. Your house, your choice. Good luck :)

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