ordinaryguy Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Ive been dating a girl for a year and she became pregnant 5 months ago, around the time i decided this wasnt the girl for me. Without doubt im here to support and raise our child and give them the best in life. I treat my girlfriend to the best things in life, take her on shopping trips, help her pay her debts off, make sure she doesnt go without and of course i will support her for the next 2-3 years because i want my child to have its mother there for those important years. i will make sure the mother is financially independent and secure before i even contemplate leaving her. Heres the catch, my girlfriend has the ideal of marriage at some stage, prefably in the next 2 years. I know deep in my heart i dont want to marry her, i know if i tell her this it will upset her and we'll break up effectively leaving a child with a broken home. I dont want to do this so i tell her that we will one day. The girlfriend suffers from depression and coupled with the pregnancy hormones she can be very difficult to live and sometimes very unpleasent to live with, but i have a responsibility to look after her and my child irrespective of her treatment of me. I now have met someone else that i intend on seeing, the thought of effectively living a lie for the next 3 years depriving myself of love, laughter, and affection from another girl is just too much. The baby comes first so i wont let anything come in between that, but is it wrong to have some fun with this other girl or see other girls in the meantine?
dreamingoftigers Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 OMG the last thing you should be thinking of is cheating. Just man up and deal with the consequences and stop lying to everyone including yourself if you think that this is something you could actually do, get away with, and be a role-model for you child. Really, pick a direction and go with it instead of trying to be everything that you aren't and flailing everywhere.
Author ordinaryguy Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 OMG the last thing you should be thinking of is cheating. Just man up and deal with the consequences and stop lying to everyone including yourself if you think that this is something you could actually do, get away with, and be a role-model for you child. Really, pick a direction and go with it instead of trying to be everything that you aren't and flailing everywhere. Man-up? the easy thing would be to break up with my partner now (as its going to happen) and just leave, pay her the minimum child allowance while i go and "sow my oats" elsewhere. Im dealing with the consequences by staying in a relationship i dont want to be in, albeit i create a "happy" home and spoil my pregnant girlfriend and make sure i dote on her, however i dont want to be with her...and its fake, but i will make that sacrifice because its a situation ive created and i want to create a stable home, atleast for the first few years and until my girlfriend is strong enough to stand on her own feet. You think it would be better to leave her now? in her vulnerable, emotional state? and then when my son/daughterdevelops emotional issues because of his/her father leaving so young i can say i had to do it to be "a man". I think what you fail to except it its not all black and white and although im technically in a relationship im not... you ask if i "could get away with, and be a role-model for you child", yes i will be a great role model for my child. However thank you for your opinion.
Jane Deaux Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 (edited) I agree with Sad. Staying the first few years of the childs life and faking a happy home will not make it easier on the child for when you do execute your plan to leave. And who says just because you leave now you have to pay bare minimum child support? That would be your decision. Are you saying that you have to stay because paying rent and bills elsewhere would make it difficult for you to give her anything above bare minimum? Even if that is the case it will still be harder to live with someone for three more years and establish a lie and life, and then leave. Hard for everyone, including you. So the real question here is, how do you tell her your feelings and get her to understand that you want to do everything for her and your child but you just don't have those feelings for her? And possibly discuss being roommates? Which would still be difficult on your child when you do finally leave and get your own place. Edited March 21, 2011 by Jane Deaux
yessy21 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I know... this is somewhat wrong... But i understand. I Think u should leave now. with time. she is developing more feelings and u will scar her far worse. everyone gets depressed at one point... she might already know that u dont love her. she probrably feels it... and is in denial. why would u let her have a baby with someone that doesnt love her? I mean isnt it enough punishment that u dont want her that way? your child will be fine... if u leave now. dont get the child used to having u around for a couple of years then get up and leave. its going to be harder for them.
Author ordinaryguy Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 you all have valid points and the more i think about it i know its wrong. however i want to be there during the first years of the babies life. this may be the only child i have, i want to share the experience. Despite being young, ive been in relationships for years i werent happy with, thats why i know i can do it for the sake of 'being there' for my child. What i can give to that child in 3 years fulltime will benefit it more than any part time daddy role could do, its the lesser of the two evils staying put. The fact i may leave in 3 years could be merely coincidental/situational...the real issue i think people have a problem with is cheating on another human. Regarding the minimum payment issues, it came out wrong, what i meant was if i was a lesser man, wouldnt that be the route id take, you know paying the bare minimum, but no i will pay whatever she needs to look after herself and my children. I have the ability to hold this family up, support it and nurture it, i wont take the easy option of leaving...im surpised people think that is the best way to deal with this situation.
Emme Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 What you should do is for now, stay. Stay with her through the pregnancy and make sure that she is stable. After the child is born make sure you get a DNA test. I tell everyone to do that it has nothing to do wit your situation. What you need to do is then decide if her health is better with counseling and/or meds consider ending the realtionship. I think for the safety of your child you have to tip toe... I'm serious. When someones mental health comes into questions the child safety and your safty comes first. If she becomes really unstable you might have to consider raising this child on your own. You never know, it could happen. Depression is a very serious illness. You are not even dealing with postpartum depression. If you need to feel affection, flirt. Flirting can be heatlhy if you are looking for affection or acknowledgement. Don't play out there. That's all you can do. Please don't have sex while she is pregnant. Don't go out there and play in the jungle and bring something back to the mother of your child. Masterbate if you have to. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Good luck to you. An affair is cheating on someone you have made a commitment to.
Jane Deaux Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Ordinary, The advice I offer is from my experience. How difficult it is to leave a relationship that has been established, BECAUSE OF the children. That is the only reason we say to leave now, so there is less hurt in three years than there will be if you stay, get everyone accustomed to things and then uproot a child's life at three or four and cause more damage. OR even you get to the childs third or fourth year and you find it even more difficult to leave then than you do now and you end up staying for all the wrong reasons still and then you are hurting while trying to please your GF and child. It's a difficult situation to make. But to answer your original question, if you are involved in a relationship with your gf then anything else on the side is an affair. p.s. I'm not offering the advice based on your cheating. I am cheating as well. And I stay for my children. And I wish I had realized before my child was born that I couldn't or shouldn't marry or even stay in a relationship with my husband simply because we got pregnant. Things would be a lot easier right now if I had been thinking more clearly 6 years ago.
jthorne Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 So are you saying that you think cheating on baby mama but staying with her provides as good a role model as leaving the romantic relationship with her, but still having a parental one? I don't really think you are thinking things through, certainly not the consequences of your actions should you choose to cheat. Say you're found out, and baby mama hates you for the rest of your life? Tells baby that baby daddy was a cheater? That wouldn't be so great, would it? I really think you should consider being honest and upfront now about where you see the relationship going. And please stop having unprotected sex if you aren't ready for the consequences. Best of luck, and congratulations on the new little one.
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Hey, you can still nuture, look after them, love and adore your baby.. But from a co parenting angle only. You are totally FOOLING yourself thinking that you will pretend to be in a relationship and then cheat on the side for 3 years until you can leave. WTF. Either shi.t or get off the pot. It is so unfair to bond with your gf and baby, 3 years, be there, and count down the days until you can leave and be with someone else (it won't be the OW you like now, how is it fair on her to wait 3 years until you leave and end things?) And, do you believe it'll be easier 3 years from now to walk away? Look, you can be a great father, and be supportive at the same time but you NEED to be honest with your gf. Lying to her and having this "plan" is going to backfire on you big time. Lay it out for her and tell her that you care deeply, but don't have a future together as a couple..NOt as husband and wife but you are still dad to your child and a friend to her for life because of your baby. Being honest is the way to go. She may be depressed but she ain't an idiot or a child. I'm sure she can think for herself and be OK with the help of good friends and family too. SHe won't fall apart without you by her side. Sure, she'll be sad, but she will be okay. Sorry if some of my reply is harsh, but you need a little reality check.
Author ordinaryguy Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 is the issue here cheating or staying in a relationship you know you're going to bail out on? some good points raised though, but also valid ones too! thankfully i havent cheated so i havent got that monkey on my back. i think im going to try and work things out, my childs life is more important and if there is anyway i can be happy with my current partner despite how she is to me, im going to give it ago. however i dont think i will want to get married full stop, this is what she wants more than anything and i cant give that to her so sadly its only going to end one way unless she accepts how i feel about not getting marriage. cheers again, and if any sexy girls want to get in touch...kidding
yessy21 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 is the issue here cheating or staying in a relationship you know you're going to bail out on? some good points raised though, but also valid ones too! thankfully i havent cheated so i havent got that monkey on my back. i think im going to try and work things out, my childs life is more important and if there is anyway i can be happy with my current partner despite how she is to me, im going to give it ago. however i dont think i will want to get married full stop, this is what she wants more than anything and i cant give that to her so sadly its only going to end one way unless she accepts how i feel about not getting marriage. cheers again, and if any sexy girls want to get in touch...kidding lmfaoooo! u r soooo not ready to do this! i can tell. well if u want to go with the flow go right ahead... just dont cheat on her.... if ur going to do the right thing... do it 100 percent right. so then later on... u can say... well i did do the right thing...
jthorne Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 however i dont think i will want to get married full stop, this is what she wants more than anything and i cant give that to her so sadly its only going to end one way unless she accepts how i feel about not getting marriage. I do hope you intend to discuss this with her, instead of letting her think that you will be married eventually. If she knew this, she might have choices to make of her own. Now I'm curious about the question you posed in your OP. When do YOU think an affair is not an affair? Do you think cheating because you are miserable with the gf and only staying for the child is not an affair? I'm sincerely curious, because I'd bet that a large number of affairs start just that way. If you give us your thoughts on the question you posed, I'd appreciate it, thanks.
Author ordinaryguy Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 I do hope you intend to discuss this with her, instead of letting her think that you will be married eventually. If she knew this, she might have choices to make of her own. Now I'm curious about the question you posed in your OP. When do YOU think an affair is not an affair? Do you think cheating because you are miserable with the gf and only staying for the child is not an affair? I'm sincerely curious, because I'd bet that a large number of affairs start just that way. If you give us your thoughts on the question you posed, I'd appreciate it, thanks. Men and women think so differenty. for instance women always take the moral highground, even if it means living in squalar. And i respect that. I think if i was going to leave anyway, without a doubt, no mistake, then its not an affair just an eventuality. However whilst im not certain we cannot make it work i wont take the risk right now, however i will tell her i am not marrying her, because i really can not see that happening, i dont think i can ever see me getting married. I wont tell her now as its not important right now in the scheme of things, but when the baby is out and its more settled < 1 yr. Its the best medium i can think of right now. cheers all!
TinaniT Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 It's not any easier to change the "stable" background when they are a few years old and used to you two together. Better to figure it out now.
HalfAlive22 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 you all have valid points and the more i think about it i know its wrong. however i want to be there during the first years of the babies life. this may be the only child i have, i want to share the experience. Despite being young, ive been in relationships for years i werent happy with, thats why i know i can do it for the sake of 'being there' for my child. What i can give to that child in 3 years fulltime will benefit it more than any part time daddy role could do, its the lesser of the two evils staying put. The fact i may leave in 3 years could be merely coincidental/situational...the real issue i think people have a problem with is cheating on another human. Regarding the minimum payment issues, it came out wrong, what i meant was if i was a lesser man, wouldnt that be the route id take, you know paying the bare minimum, but no i will pay whatever she needs to look after herself and my children. I have the ability to hold this family up, support it and nurture it, i wont take the easy option of leaving...im surpised people think that is the best way to deal with this situation. If you ask me, your just being selfish, you want it all, and in the end you will hurt both of them twice as much! and how do you know she's not "the one" maybe nobody will make you happy, there must have been something you like about this woman when you met her. Think twice about her, and communicate, but for gods sake do not cheat on her, it's worse than if you just left her now, believe me!
TurboGirl Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 to the OP, you are gonna do what you want, at the end of the day. Stay with your pregnant gf and see others on the side, or not. Whatever you do, USE BIRTH CONTROL PLEASE! "Becoming pregnant" in this day and age is totally ridiculous unless you intended it. My 2 cents, I think you should tell the girl the truth and go on with your life and pay child support to her after you get a DNA test done, of course. Give her a chance at a happy life which you have clearly stated is not going to be with you.
bentnotbroken Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Men and women think so differenty. for instance women always take the moral highground, even if it means living in squalar. And i respect that. I think if i was going to leave anyway, without a doubt, no mistake, then its not an affair just an eventuality. However whilst im not certain we cannot make it work i wont take the risk right now, however i will tell her i am not marrying her, because i really can not see that happening, i dont think i can ever see me getting married. I wont tell her now as its not important right now in the scheme of things, but when the baby is out and its more settled < 1 yr. Its the best medium i can think of right now. cheers all! :eek:Sexist drivel. If all women took the moral high ground, you would be hanging with the woman you are hanging with and posting here about it.
carrie999 Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 You need to be honest with this woman. This is not a question of "moral highground," but one of what is best for your child. If you decide to stick around and try to work things out, go for it. If you have no intention of being with her, don't lead her on. She is (by your account) already unstable and depressed, and falling for you and then losing you may destroy her, and your child as well. Your best bet is to commit to something short-term...either try to work on things with her and focus COMPLETELY on your relationship with her, or admit defeat and support her. To be clear: you are NOT deciding between giving her everything she wants and needs or just paying the bare minimum child support. You can break up with her and make sure you have full parental rights (you obviously can afford a lawyer), and send her whatever you would have been providing anyway. Money is not the issue. You seem to be hoping to be a full-time parent until you decide you can't take anymore. This will do unspeakable damage to every relationship...yours with her, hers with your child, and yours with your child. People may not have a clear recollection of childhood before age 3, but psychologically speaking, half of child development happens before that age, and more than 90% occurs by age 5. While your kid will have to rely others for the stories someday, damage can be done long before they walk and talk. Keep this in mind.
Author ordinaryguy Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 Thank you all for taking the time to reply. NXS, not sure if you know about the birds and the bees but... only joking pal, i dont think thats important its happened now. I would prefer to put her happiness before mine, therefore i will be honest with her when the baby is born not now. The 3 year rule, was a guage of the time i believe it will allow her to have spent some quality time with the child i.e. to not to have to worry about work and money (as id be there)... Folks, we can engineer life to our exact standards or we can rely on fate and circumstance, but sometimes its still ends up the same way, the fact i can stay in this relationship and live a lie, means nothing the second ive left, however those 3 years could be the best years for us all...im just putting it out there. i do appreciate each and every comment, my background and upbringing has made me very focused and very single-minded (not selfish) so this has made me see things from a different angle. thank you, im from the UK btw.
greengoddess Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Thank you all for taking the time to reply. NXS, not sure if you know about the birds and the bees but... only joking pal, i dont think thats important its happened now. I would prefer to put her happiness before mine, therefore i will be honest with her when the baby is born not now. The 3 year rule, was a guage of the time i believe it will allow her to have spent some quality time with the child i.e. to not to have to worry about work and money (as id be there)... Folks, we can engineer life to our exact standards or we can rely on fate and circumstance, but sometimes its still ends up the same way, the fact i can stay in this relationship and live a lie, means nothing the second ive left, however those 3 years could be the best years for us all...im just putting it out there. i do appreciate each and every comment, my background and upbringing has made me very focused and very single-minded (not selfish) so this has made me see things from a different angle. thank you, im from the UK btw. NO because you would be giving her no choice in living a lie. You would be stealing 3 years of her life while you made plans for a new one.
Tashcw Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 OP - I realise from your posts you won't listen to the advice on here (despite everyone saying the same thing) but I feel I have to re-post some of the facts already said. - 90% of child development happens by 5. Over half by 3. The older the child gets, the more you leaving will affect him. Imagine how hard it's going to be for your gf to have a 3 year old sobbing "where's daddy, where's daddy" every day if you leave it later for 'her benefit'. Read up on the subject. I realise some relationships break down and so people can't help leaving when children are at that age, but if you have a choice, at least leave your girlfriend with a toddler who is well balanced and adjusted to the situation, rather than a clingy, paranoid one. That will be harder work than you can ever imagine. - At least if you leave now, within the '3 years' you're talking about your partner could have moved on and find someone else. Speak to ANYONE who's procrastinated in leaving a relationship and I guarantee (and I don't ever make guarantees on this site, as I know they often get shot down!) that they will say "I wish I'd left earlier, when I first thought of it". The relationship can't be 'the best years' if you don't want to be there. Fact. You can't pretend to her that you're happy for that long, and if you can, and she buys it, then you two really don't know each other at all, and she'll be feeling alienated from you anyway. But mostly, I'm begging you, don't mess up your child's youngest years. Please. No matter how much stability you gave him in the first 2/3 years, you, in my opinion, would be a terrible father living all that time knowing you were about to drop that bombshell on him, and leave your gf to pick up the pieces. Leave now. Go. Help her all you can - get friends / family to rally round her. Draw up a financial agreement IMMEDIATELY so she knows she won't have to worry about money. Draw up a visitation agreement IMMEDIATELY so she knows you'll always be there for your kid. Don't live a lie and drag her into it. She will know, her self esteem will drop and if temptation is put in your way over these '3 years' (particularly if you're dealing with a waking baby every 4 hours, and a potentially cranky, hormonal gf) you will take it. You should have left 5 months ago and given her a choice as to whether she wants to raise this baby as a single mother, or not have the baby at all. You denied her that, don't deny her a choice to start a new life and be sorted by the time her baby grows in to a toddler. Please listen to the advice on here - not for your sake, but for your childs and your gf. I really, really, really feel for her, and IMO you are being extremely cowardly. The selfish route is to stay and sleep around (the main point of many of the posts on here), the brave route is to take responsibility and help her pick her life up.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 I somewhat wonder if this "she's not the one for me" thing was something he might have been debating a bit, but not decided on and then having a family pushed it over the edge. What makes me think that is the fact that he is willing to "stay" but wants to go outside of it all, it just sounds so much like an attachment problem.
Author ordinaryguy Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 OP - I realise from your posts you won't listen to the advice on here (despite everyone saying the same thing) but I feel I have to re-post some of the facts already said. - 90% of child development happens by 5. Over half by 3. The older the child gets, the more you leaving will affect him. Imagine how hard it's going to be for your gf to have a 3 year old sobbing "where's daddy, where's daddy" every day if you leave it later for 'her benefit'. Read up on the subject. I realise some relationships break down and so people can't help leaving when children are at that age, but if you have a choice, at least leave your girlfriend with a toddler who is well balanced and adjusted to the situation, rather than a clingy, paranoid one. That will be harder work than you can ever imagine. - At least if you leave now, within the '3 years' you're talking about your partner could have moved on and find someone else. Speak to ANYONE who's procrastinated in leaving a relationship and I guarantee (and I don't ever make guarantees on this site, as I know they often get shot down!) that they will say "I wish I'd left earlier, when I first thought of it". The relationship can't be 'the best years' if you don't want to be there. Fact. You can't pretend to her that you're happy for that long, and if you can, and she buys it, then you two really don't know each other at all, and she'll be feeling alienated from you anyway. But mostly, I'm begging you, don't mess up your child's youngest years. Please. No matter how much stability you gave him in the first 2/3 years, you, in my opinion, would be a terrible father living all that time knowing you were about to drop that bombshell on him, and leave your gf to pick up the pieces. Leave now. Go. Help her all you can - get friends / family to rally round her. Draw up a financial agreement IMMEDIATELY so she knows she won't have to worry about money. Draw up a visitation agreement IMMEDIATELY so she knows you'll always be there for your kid. Don't live a lie and drag her into it. She will know, her self esteem will drop and if temptation is put in your way over these '3 years' (particularly if you're dealing with a waking baby every 4 hours, and a potentially cranky, hormonal gf) you will take it. You should have left 5 months ago and given her a choice as to whether she wants to raise this baby as a single mother, or not have the baby at all. You denied her that, don't deny her a choice to start a new life and be sorted by the time her baby grows in to a toddler. Please listen to the advice on here - not for your sake, but for your childs and your gf. I really, really, really feel for her, and IMO you are being extremely cowardly. The selfish route is to stay and sleep around (the main point of many of the posts on here), the brave route is to take responsibility and help her pick her life up. Hi Tash, thanks for your message. I do listen to what people say and I do agree with what you guys have stated. A lot of my doubt has arisen from the treatment i have received from my girlfriend, its not because i didn’t want a family and a stable relationship, that is all I’ve wanted. As i have stated is that i will try now and for as long as it takes to exhaust all avenues to ensure we work as a family. I cant leave now without trying. The point of me raising this question wasn’t because I wanted to cheat but because maybe keeping the family together for longer (despite any future possible indiscretions) was in the best interests of everyone. One point I agree with without question, is taking 3 years of her life away from her. I wont do this to her; sadly whatever decision i make she will end up bitter towards me as she feels its her given right to be married with me now we have a child. This discussion has made me think more deeply regarding the happiness of one over another. Could I have your opinions on this: i feel a lot of your opinions given so far are idealistic, how many women rob men of an opportunity of a honest relationship when all she is after is money, because he is rich etc. Its not so clear cut, a lot of people have ulterior motives, some we are not aware of (laws of attraction) whilst times we select other halfs based on a small set of criteria, i.e. young, good-looking or young/old and rich etc. Sometimes these motives are not honest and we are literally fooling the ones we are with. For those that have your parents still together, would you be surprised if you learned of any affairs that have gone on with between either parent? You’ve still become a product of a supposedly happy family unit. What you didn’t know didn’t harm you, and your parents may be blissfully unaware of anything untoward going on and lead fulfilled rewarding lives. What if I lived a lie for 50 years and said GF died the happiest girl and i raised the happiest family (and of course didn’t cheat)...what that be robbing someone of happiness? is all this comes down to is basic morals...dont you think sometimes there is a need of a greater good? ala war on terror, an absolute lie but keeping economic stability is crucial to the development of the civilised world?
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