Getting impatient...

[Fern]

...with myself. I'm doing brilliantly compared to how I was a few months ago. I'm 7 months out of the relationship and I don't want him back, I know the relationship was terrible and I'm better off without him but I still feel really angry towards him with how he behaved. I'm proud of myself and how I handled everything, I'm starting to come round to the idea of dating someone again, I've loads of amazing plans for my future and lots of fun stuff planned for this summer - but the way he treated me is still THERE. It's still something that niggles at my contentment. It's a canker, a sore, an infection that taints all the other stuff. I want to be indifferent. I want to get past this and move on. How do I speed that process up?

 

Any tips? I was even toying with the idea of meeting up with him and talking to him - formally 'forgiving' him but I realised I'm not sure I actually do forgive him and if I tell him I have as an experiment to see if it helps me let go I'll have to act like I have wether the experiment works or not. So sod that. He's still with the girl he cheated on me with. They seem...honestly, they seem like a ****ing car crash that's pretending to be all hunky dory. Why do I still care about the health of their relationship? It's so POINTLESS. *sigh*

 

I know I'm being silly. I've come so far, but sometimes it's just frustrating that it takes so LONG to fully, finally heal completely. I think I'm frustrated because I'm so very NEARLY there. If she and he would just fall apart I'd have closure NOW! lol. Though I suppose the best closure will be to watch them fall apart after I no longer care one way or the other.

 

Anyone have any suggestions on getting over that last bump towards being over it?

Edited March 21, 2011 by Fern
spelling

[Thatguyintx]

Though I suppose the best closure will be to watch them fall apart after I no longer care one way or the other

 

Re-read that line. The important part is "no longer care". That will give closure. Even if they are still together. Your closure doesn't come from them breaking up.

 

And you don't need anyone to say it, but I will anyways. The idea to meet is probably not a good one. Seems like it might really set you back.

 

You are almost there. Keep the healing going!

[Fern]

Re-read that line. The important part is "no longer care". That will give closure. Even if they are still together. Your closure doesn't come from them breaking up.

 

And you don't need anyone to say it, but I will anyways. The idea to meet is probably not a good one. Seems like it might really set you back.

 

You are almost there. Keep the healing going!

 

I know. I no longer care about him or her. It just still smarts that he threw ME away for this moron he's seeing now. It's all about my stupid ego.

 

Don't worry, I won't be contactng him! I knew the minute I thought of it it was a BAD idea.

 

I think I need a fling. A hot and heavy, no strings attached, Summer fling. Just a little ego-boost and some excitement. :-D I think I know JUST the boy for it.

[Thatguyintx]

 

I think I need a fling. A hot and heavy, no strings attached, Summer fling. Just a little ego-boost and some excitement. :-D I think I know JUST the boy for it.

 

{Raises hand}

 

By the way, I know all about the ego issue. Still one I am working on daily.

[betterdeal]

When you can forgive you can forget. When you're ready to wish them well and get on with your own life, that's when you leave the past in the past. Having a bit of fun with someone sounds like a great idea

[Fern]

I'm finding it a lot harder to forgive him than I thought I would at the start. I'm not a person who holds grudges but I can't seem to let this one drop. I feel like he knowingly wasted my time for 6 years. I feel like he used me for financial and emotional support but he gave me NOTHING in return. All I came out of that relationship with is debt and low self esteem. I still want to tell him off every time I see him. He really disappointed me.

 

I'd love to be indifferent. I reckon another 6 months should do it.

[Graceful]

I'm finding it a lot harder to forgive him than I thought I would at the start. I'm not a person who holds grudges but I can't seem to let this one drop. I feel like he knowingly wasted my time for 6 years. I feel like he used me for financial and emotional support but he gave me NOTHING in return. All I came out of that relationship with is debt and low self esteem. I still want to tell him off every time I see him. He really disappointed me.

 

Translation:

 

I'm finding it a lot harder to forgive myself than I thought I would at the start. I'm not a person who holds grudges, but I can't seem to let this one drop because I am accountable, too. I feel like I somewhat knowingly wasted my time for 6 years. I feel like I let him use me for financial and emotional support and never really asked for, and therefore, the fact he gave me NOTHING in return is something I am accountable for, too. All I came out of that relationship with is debt and low self esteem. I still want to tell him off every time I see him. I disappointed myself, just as he really disappointed me.

 

I need to work on forgiving myself and seeing the role I played in allowing the relationship to persist when it was so unsatisfactory for me; I can see now that I should have ended it a lot sooner, but I guess I wasn't strong enough and didn't have the courage, as my self-esteem had hit an all-time low. I know I was in a form of denial. My ego and self-esteem were battered pretty badly while I was in the relationship; this is not just the result of the way it ended or the fact he has moved on so quickly. I hope that as I work on forgiving myself, it will also help me forgive him at some point, as I know that forgiving him has more to do with me, than it has to do with him. I can't forgive him, however, until I forgive myself -- so I guess I have a bit of work to do on that front, too.

Edited March 21, 2011 by Graceful

[Fern]

Translation:

 

I'm finding it a lot harder to forgive myself than I thought I would at the start. I'm not a person who holds grudges, but I can't seem to let this one drop because I am accountable, too. I feel like I somewhat knowingly wasted my time for 6 years. I feel like I let him use me for financial and emotional support and never really asked for, and therefore, the fact he gave me NOTHING in return is something I am accountable for, too. All I came out of that relationship with is debt and low self esteem. I still want to tell him off every time I see him. I disappointed myself, just as he really disappointed me.

 

I need to work on forgiving myself and seeing the role I played in allowing the relationship to persist when it was so unsatisfactory for me; I can see now that I should have ended it a lot sooner, but I guess I wasn't strong enough and didn't have the courage, as my self-esteem had hit an all-time low. I know I was in a form of denial. I hope that as I work on forgiving myself, it will also help me forgive him at some point, as I know that forgiving him has more to do with me, than it has to do with him. I can't forgive him, however, until I forgive myself -- so I guess I have a bit of work to do on that front, too.

 

Heh. That made me a bit teary-eyed.

 

Good old Graceful - perceptive as always. I do still feel like a fool. The further i get from the relationship and my attachment to him, the bigger a fool I feel. The more I look back on how crappy it really was, the more I cringe at sticking with it so long.

 

Now tell me how I forgive myself for being exactly the kind of girl I always despised and pitied?

[Graceful]

Heh. That made me a bit teary-eyed.

 

Good old Graceful - perceptive as always. I do still feel like a fool. The further i get from the relationship and my attachment to him, the bigger a fool I feel. The more I look back on how crappy it really was, the more I cringe at sticking with it so long.

 

Now tell me how I forgive myself for being exactly the kind of girl I always despised and pitied?

 

I did not mean to hurt you, and am sorry if I was too direct. There are many instances (mine included) where shame plays a role in the aftermath. I've read it here (read a thread recently where someone admitted to feeling a real sense of shame, working on getting over it), and I am a true believer that healing and recovery will go a lot faster when we own up to the fact that we did play a role in allowing the relationship to persist, even when we were getting clear signs and signals, and red flags, that the relationship had run its course. There is no reason to feel like a fool, none at all.

 

If you, or I, or anyone else, does not admit to this "weakness" on our part, we may not get it through our heads that we cannot allow this in another relationship. And we don't want to be jaded, either, by turning the blame too much outward. If we take some responsibility, it's more objective.

 

The thing is this. In another relationship, from what you have learned here with your ex, you may speak up. You may understand that you need to communicate with your partner and ask for what you need, ask for reciprocation and put yourself out there (more at risk) before letting the relationship take on a life of its own and your role being the "giver" and the other person's role being the "taker" which is what happened (and happens to many of us!!)

 

So you need to learn what you need for the future. You need to figure out what type of qualities you need and want in a partner, so you'll have a healthy relationship. If you use some of the flawed parts of your relationship with your ex as a learning tool, you *will* feel a lot better and you will see that you really are not the type of girl you despise. You lost yourself because you were trying, waiting and hoping for your ex to become something he wasn't, and never will be, which was "right" for you. He just wasn't.

 

I don't care if he's successful in the future. Six years is enough for you to know you and he were not compatible. So why is that so terrible? If he gets along with someone who is different from you, so what? What's troublesome is if you look for someone who treats you the way he did ... that's not healthy, that did not work for you. So figure out how you expect to be treated, and that will be a very big step in getting him out of your system, because he did NOT treat you well at all!!!

 

If you want to "feel" the way he made you feel (insofar as the way you loved him), that's understandable, as an emotion, apart from the way he treated you. Just don't get the two confused. I only said what I did because I thought it would help your healing process and help you see how you can use some of what went wrong with your ex to empower you to have a more healthy relationship in the future. You're a sharp cookie and I have every faith in you. Patience really is a virtue during the breakup, isn't it? Take care, Fern.

[Fern]

I did not mean to hurt you, and am sorry if I was too direct. There are many instances (mine included) where shame plays a role in the aftermath. I've read it here (read a thread recently where someone admitted to feeling a real sense of shame, working on getting over it), and I am a true believer that healing and recovery will go a lot faster when we own up to the fact that we did play a role in allowing the relationship to persist, even when we were getting clear signs and signals, and red flags, that the relationship had run its course. There is no reason to feel like a fool, none at all.

 

If you, or I, or anyone else, does not admit to this "weakness" on our part, we may not get it through our heads that we cannot allow this in another relationship. And we don't want to be jaded, either, by turning the blame too much outward. If we take some responsibility, it's more objective.

 

The thing is this. In another relationship, from what you have learned here with your ex, you may speak up. You may understand that you need to communicate with your partner and ask for what you need, ask for reciprocation and put yourself out there (more at risk) before letting the relationship take on a life of its own and your role being the "giver" and the other person's role being the "taker" which is what happened (and happens to many of us!!)

 

So you need to learn what you need for the future. You need to figure out what type of qualities you need and want in a partner, so you'll have a healthy relationship. If you use some of the flawed parts of your relationship with your ex as a learning tool, you *will* feel a lot better and you will see that you really are not the type of girl you despise. You lost yourself because you were trying, waiting and hoping for your ex to become something he wasn't, and never will be, which was "right" for you. He just wasn't.

 

I don't care if he's successful in the future. Six years is enough for you to know you and he were not compatible. So why is that so terrible? If he gets along with someone who is different from you, so what? What's troublesome is if you look for someone who treats you the way he did ... that's not healthy, that did not work for you. So figure out how you expect to be treated, and that will be a very big step in getting him out of your system, because he did NOT treat you well at all!!!

 

If you want to "feel" the way he made you feel (insofar as the way you loved him), that's understandable, as an emotion, apart from the way he treated you. Just don't get the two confused. I only said what I did because I thought it would help your healing process and help you see how you can use some of what went wrong with your ex to empower you to have a more healthy relationship in the future. You're a sharp cookie and I have every faith in you. Patience really is a virtue during the breakup, isn't it? Take care, Fern.

 

You didn't hurt me at all, Graceful! You're absolutely spot on the money, as per usual and that's why I welled up. It's comforting to have someone understand what's going on in my head and give me an insight into that that I hadn't fully grasped. I always appreciate your input.

 

I will NEVER allow myself to fall into that relationship dynamic again and that IS the one thing I'm grateful to take away from this horrible experience. I do need to forgive myself to let this go and having that pointed out to me loosened the knot of tension I had been feeling today.

[Beeotch]

...with myself. I'm doing brilliantly compared to how I was a few months ago. I'm 7 months out of the relationship and I don't want him back, I know the relationship was terrible and I'm better off without him but I still feel really angry towards him with how he behaved. I'm proud of myself and how I handled everything, I'm starting to come round to the idea of dating someone again, I've loads of amazing plans for my future and lots of fun stuff planned for this summer - but the way he treated me is still THERE. It's still something that niggles at my contentment. It's a canker, a sore, an infection that taints all the other stuff. I want to be indifferent. I want to get past this and move on. How do I speed that process up?

 

Any tips? I was even toying with the idea of meeting up with him and talking to him - formally 'forgiving' him but I realised I'm not sure I actually do forgive him and if I tell him I have as an experiment to see if it helps me let go I'll have to act like I have wether the experiment works or not. So sod that. He's still with the girl he cheated on me with. They seem...honestly, they seem like a ****ing car crash that's pretending to be all hunky dory. Why do I still care about the health of their relationship? It's so POINTLESS. *sigh*

 

I know I'm being silly. I've come so far, but sometimes it's just frustrating that it takes so LONG to fully, finally heal completely. I think I'm frustrated because I'm so very NEARLY there. If she and he would just fall apart I'd have closure NOW! lol. Though I suppose the best closure will be to watch them fall apart after I no longer care one way or the other.

 

Anyone have any suggestions on getting over that last bump towards being over it?

 

I've been there...definitely know how you feel.

 

It took me well over a year to FULLY get over my ex (1 year and 9 months to be exact). I too was really annoyed at myself for still being angry at him or caring about the state of his relationship and I too wanted an apology from him or something to nail the coffin shut and put it all to rest....

 

I'm here today to say though, that there really wasn't much I could do to force closure...but believe me, the day it happened on its own was the swweeeeeetest! Up to late last year I realized I didn't want him but I was still wondering about his relationship, I was still upset at him for handling things poorly, still had emotional reactions of anger to certain places/things/cars lol...just cause I associated it with him. I was mad at myself for these feelings that felt so irrational and outside myself. However, January of this year, the first day of New Years...somehow, I completely got over it all and am indifferent. I didn't do anything special, he didn't apologize...nothing, the Universe just saw it fit for me to be done. The only thing I did was set the intention (as I do with the rest of my life): I write down all I want and sometimes a time frame....and surrender and let it happen.

 

Soo yea...I know how you feel darling but take heed. You are not doing anything wrong and there is no magic cure. Just continue working on your life, I did certain forgiveness rituals too, and just focused on my personal development and prayed/asked the universe for peace and forgiveness and one day when I least expected it...it occurred!

Edited March 21, 2011 by Beeotch

[Thatguyintx]

Nope, if it helps you move on, that's great.

 

Just don't expect any kind of helpful response from him.

[Nick71]

I'll be watching to see how you react to this Fern if you don't mind as after 3 months no contact I am painfully trying to decide if getting things off my chest would help or hinder me.

 

My therapist said to handwrite it all and then read it back later as if she is reading it and then burn it. That way I would get the things of my chest but without risking bringing her back into the picture and setting me back.

 

It seemed a pointless exercise to me so I'll see how you get on.

I hope it brings you positive feelings!

 

Nick

[Fern]

I'll be watching to see how you react to this Fern if you don't mind as after 3 months no contact I am painfully trying to decide if getting things off my chest would help or hinder me.

 

My therapist said to handwrite it all and then read it back later as if she is reading it and then burn it. That way I would get the things of my chest but without risking bringing her back into the picture and setting me back.

 

It seemed a pointless exercise to me so I'll see how you get on.

I hope it brings you positive feelings!

 

Nick

 

The way I felt at 3 months, Nick, I think doing this would only have set me back. At 3 months I still harboured a secret hope deep down that he would realise he'd made a mistake and come running back. At 3 months I'd have weighed every word so as not to hurt him or push him further away. I'd never have been able to tell him I didn't love him and didn't want any contact with him. It wouldn't have been an honest communicaton. I'd have tried to manipulate it to get him to want me. The way I feel now, as I said in my message, I am past the point of giving a s**t what he thinks of me. I have no interest in whether he thinks I'm a psycho or if this wounds him or if he thinks better of me. I simply don't care. I do think of it as an experiment to see if it helps me move on. So far all I can say is it hasn't made me feel any worse. Though I was probably due an upswing in my mood today anyway.

 

If you still have feelings for her that you'd like to have another chance in the future - don't do it. Contact in those circumstances is only likely to harm your chances and put your recovery back. I wouldn't take my ex back if he crawled over broken glass to kiss my feet. And I don't expect a reply. Be very careful when you examine your motives for sending an email like this. And be clear on what expectations you have from it. My only expectations are that it will help ME. I'm not kidding myself that he'll reply or that if he does it'll be anything helpful.

[melenkurion]

I hope that letting this out helps you over that last bump Fern.

[strangeways]

Go for it if you think it'll help. Sometimes you just got to do what feels right.

[Graceful]

Not going to tell you off for breaking NC, Fern. But I will admit that it was a big surprise to see that you decided to send him that message. BIG.

 

We're all here to learn, but the bottom line is that we're accountable to ourselves first and foremost, and there are times when you have to go with your gut, regardless of what the conventional wisdom is (ie, NC).

 

I did notice that you used passages from what we had discussed earlier in the thread, and that you acknowledged that you were accountable, too. And I think that the heart of the matter for you now is to let go of wondering what his motivations were for wasting your time, b/c it does seem like that is the final sticking point.

 

If sending that message really helped you, I'm all for it. If your expectations remain stable (with regard to a response), then all you can do is feel good about your ability to articulate these final thoughts so well. Take care. P.S. Thanks for letting me know I didn't hurt you and that you understood where I was coming from in trying to help untangle some of your thoughts.

[Fern]

Not going to tell you off for breaking NC, Fern. But I will admit that it was a big surprise to see that you decided to send him that message. BIG.

 

We're all here to learn, but the bottom line is that we're accountable to ourselves first and foremost, and there are times when you have to go with your gut, regardless of what the conventional wisdom is (ie, NC).

 

I did notice that you used passages from what we had discussed earlier in the thread, and that you acknowledged that you were accountable, too. And I think that the heart of the matter for you now is to let go of wondering what his motivations were for wasting your time, b/c it does seem like that is the final sticking point.

 

If sending that message really helped you, I'm all for it. If your expectations remain stable (with regard to a response), then all you can do is feel good about your ability to articulate these final thoughts so well. Take care. P.S. Thanks for letting me know I didn't hurt you and that you understood where I was coming from in trying to help untangle some of your thoughts.

 

I don't regret sending the message. I'm not sure if it's going to help, per se, but my gut told me I had nothing to lose by doing it, so I'm happy to live with the consequences of that decision. Whatever they are. I'm the kind of person who can't let things fester. I far prefer to get stuff out in the open, even if that means a short-lived drama, and clear the air, because in my experience, that's the healthiest way to act. When I try to internalise bad thoughts and feelings I end up hurting myself far more in the long-run. It's just the way I am. I don't LIKE confrontation, but if the alternative is torturing myself with negative emotions I'm not afraid of it.

 

You're right about my final sticking point too. I am left wondering why he strung me along for so long. The way he behaved after the split, the way he was able to disregard my feelings so completely left me wondering if he ever cared at all. I knew at the end that he wasn’t in love with me and he was infatuated with her, but I assumed that he cared about me enough as a friend that he would try to spare my feelings as much as he could. It really didn’t work out that way. He made me feel like I meant nothing to him and never had. Shortly after we split one of HER fiancee's friends found out that she had cheated on the fiancee with my ex and told her that either she had to tell him or he would.

 

She obviously went crying to my ex about this and he sent me this FURIOUS text saying something like 'Well done, Fern, you split up a young family over a drunken kiss and you didn't even have to get your hands dirty. I hope you're proud of yourself.' This was only two weeks after I'd lost EVERYTHING (as I saw it then). I was living out of binliners in my parent's spare room aged 32 and crying myself to sleep every night and the first contact he makes with me is to tell me off because SHE had to admit to the poor b***tard she was supposed to marry that she'd been seeing someone else behind his back.

 

Bear in mind that this wasn't the first time she'd sparked up a flirtation with another guy whilst engaged to the father of her child. I have two friends who used to be quite close to her and she tried to steal their boyfriends in the past and they let it drop because she had a child with her then fiancee. One of them is engaged to her ex-fiancee's best mate. SHE told the friend about it. Not me. There was no WAY her fiancee wasn't going to find out eventually. We live in a very small town and know a lot of the same people and people gossip. She got what she deserved. They deserve each other.

 

He did other stuff too. He didn't even try to be discreet. He turned up at bars where friends of mine were playing and stood kissing her in front of them, knowing it would get back to me. He had her staying over in the flat we used to share from day one, sleeping in the bed I paid for, in the sheets I picked out. He tried to insinuate her into nights out with mutual friends he only knew because of me - people I've been friends with nearly 20 years and he's known 6. He booked a holiday to OUR place with her for this summer, even though he already knew I was going with my friends at the same time. It was like I'd never meant anything at all to him. He broke me a little bit. I could never have treated him that way.

 

I think I understand his motivations for wasting my time for so long and they stem from the same character flaws that let me have no expectations that he’ll answer that message. He’s a coward and he’s selfish and he hates when people think badly of him – although he has no compunction about doing things that will hurt people if it means he gets his own way. I took very good care of him and I was useful – he’s a musician and I’m friends with a lot of people he thought were ‘cool’. I also have a quite ‘cool’ creative job that he thought people would be impressed by his girlfriend having. He’s shallow like that.

 

I don’t think he’s evil – I’m quite sure he has been eaten away by guilt at times for the way he behaved, but he’s not evolved enough to use that emotion to make amends or to become a better person. He’ll just feel ANGRY at me for stirring up his guilt again. So no, I don’t expect or even need a reply.

I’m not sure why all this is resurfacing at this point. Perhaps because a friend of mine just had twins and I’ve been visiting her in hospital and seeing how her fiancée behaves with her and thinking about how stupid I must have been to put up with the treatment I did.

 

I’m feeling okay, you know? I’m not feeling sad or anything. This has been quite cathartic actually. Helped remind me how far I’ve really come. I’m glad Loveshack exists! Haha!

[Nick71]

Wise words earlier Fern, and thank you x

 

I definately do still have a feint glimmer of hope so I'll steer well clear of all contact for the time being.

 

Bless you