FirstJohn318 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 My g/f dumped me a month ago and while I still care about her and of course love her. I honestly do not see us ever getting back together again. We both attend and volunteer at the same church. How soon is too soon to start dating again? I dont want her to feel like the relationship meant nothing to me, but I dont wanna sit around sulking all day either I wanna get back out there. If for some reason I do meet a new girl, how long should I wait until actually bringing her to church with me where my ex would be also?
0hpenelope Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 How soon is too soon to start dating again? My opinion is it's what you want out of the dating experience. For myself, I wanted distractions and the dates I went and go on, I let the guys know that I'm still recovering from a break-up and I'm not looking for anything serious - and they're fine with it. This arrangement has worked for me and it's something I've never done before. My mindset for choosing this approach is I don't want to waste my time pining after someone. I still have feelings for my ex, but I'm proactive in finding ways to move on. I dont want her to feel like the relationship meant nothing to me, but I dont wanna sit around sulking all day either I wanna get back out there. If for some reason I do meet a new girl, how long should I wait until actually bringing her to church with me where my ex would be also? Take your ex out of the equation. The attachment to her post-break up is understandable but you're not a couple anymore. The attitude of wanting to get back out there is the healthy choice, I believe. I mean, it's what I've been doing and it's helped a lot. You're not obligated to reassure your ex that the relationship meant something to you. Your healing focuses on you - not her. Take your new girl to church when you feel like it. Again, your ex wants this break up. Do what you need to do for yourself and do your best to not allow your memories of her to influence your decisions.
depplover_1980 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I agree with my top girl Pen here. You have basically been forced to move on and this girl has stated she doesn't want a relationship with you. Therefore you must do whatever you need to do, it is perfectly acceptable to date people on a casual basis for fun and chat, whilst remaining very open and honest with your intentions. Do not rush into a new relationship, but instead become reacquainted with yourself and focus on having as much laughter in your life as possible. By the time it comes to bring a new partner into the church, I am certain there would be enough water under the bridge. I would also hope you no longer cared what your ex thought - who knows you may even be solid friends?
yessy21 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Whenever u want. she broke up with u. not u with her. Done dwell on her thoughts.
Author FirstJohn318 Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 I agree with my top girl Pen here. You have basically been forced to move on and this girl has stated she doesn't want a relationship with you. Therefore you must do whatever you need to do, it is perfectly acceptable to date people on a casual basis for fun and chat, whilst remaining very open and honest with your intentions. Do not rush into a new relationship, but instead become reacquainted with yourself and focus on having as much laughter in your life as possible. By the time it comes to bring a new partner into the church, I am certain there would be enough water under the bridge. I would also hope you no longer cared what your ex thought - who knows you may even be solid friends? I plan on being very honest with my intentions and I am not looking for anything serious at the moment. I do want companionship though. I want to look for someone I can possibly be with long term. The other thing is that I hope my ex and I will end up being friends b/c it is the friendship I miss the most. I miss being able to walk up to her and church and be like hey how are you doing and just have a conversation with her. Right now she avoids me like I am the plague, and I wonder if it is cause she is mad at me, or maybe she is really hurting inside too about the break up (even though she was the dumper). If it is because she is mad at me I want to mend things because I never meant to hurt her in any way. Just right now every time I try to contact her it seems to make things worse so I am going to wait about a month or two before I try contacting her again (even though we are in the same church)
depplover_1980 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Very sensible outlook FirstJohn, but again I would advise to simply wipe out thoughts of long term partnerships at the moment, or at least stick it well upon the horizon. Being clear of your intentions is great and you may be surprised by the females out there looking for the same thing - there are lots of wounded people looking for fun and companionship. Something I am picking up in your posts is a big sense of guilt that you have towards your ex, too much in my opinion. Did she nag you a lot throughout the relationship? Blame you for upsetting her a few times? Want to know where you were a lot of the time? I only ask because this sense of considering her feelings way more than your own is coming from somewhere. Again I think you should be friendly when you see her at church, a simple hello will do for now. If she chooses to ignore you, then she looks like the one with the problem; there could be a number of reason she is ignoring you, but as she dumped you, I would bank on it being something as simple as she doesn't know what to say. As you stated all will be very different in a month or two and time changes everything. Just stay strong, dignified and think about what you want only for now.
Author FirstJohn318 Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 Something I am picking up in your posts is a big sense of guilt that you have towards your ex, too much in my opinion. Did she nag you a lot throughout the relationship? Blame you for upsetting her a few times? Want to know where you were a lot of the time? I only ask because this sense of considering her feelings way more than your own is coming from somewhere. She is a very introverted person. She would hardly text, IM or call me. It was very hard getting her to hang out. One thing I never took for granted though was that as little as I did see her, I saw her about 10 times more than her close best friends. We never even kissed after 8 months, but it wasnt for lack of feelings. I think she was really scared. I was her first boyfriend and she was only 20. (that all plays part of a larger story that I dont really want to bore you with) She never nagged me at all. We only had 2 BIG fights the whole relationship and she decided to end it. The fights we had werent even really that big they were petty. There are numerous reasons why I think she ended it...or at least played a factor. Maybe she was scared of commitment, scared of letting someone in. Scared of loving someone. Maybe as much as she cared about me the feelings never got to where they should be and she didnt like me as much as she did. I thought she needed someone to push her out of her shell. Maybe she got mad that I was trying to push her too hard (not like into sex or anything, just trying to get a little more extroverted, ya know get out of the house, be more affectionate). She claimed that I wanted things that she wasn't ready to give like physical contact (ie kissing, cuddling, etc). I would tell myself oh maybe its just her inexperience, if I wait it out it will get a lot better. In reality I could have waited until we got married (if it went that far) to even kiss her or do anything more physical because I enjoyed her company most of all. We had a lot of fun together. I also think she was depressed a lot. Whenever she was in a really good mood (things were beyond great with us, she was affectionate happy and full of life) but when she was not happy it was like the complete opposite (she wouldnt talk much its like stay away from me kind of thing) the sad part was that she would be down a lot more than she was up. Maybe I am just reading the whole situation wrong and maybe she just never had feelings for me or lost feelings for me. I dont know. I still truly love her and care about her and I miss being her friend most of all. Sorry for writing too much, I am a talker lol. I look for advice all the time because I dont wanna mess things up.
Recommended Posts