Mike00004 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Let me start out by saying hi. Never really tried finding a forum like this one. Seems kinda girlie to me but since Im kind of desperate I figured Id give a whirl. Im 28 now and me and her have been together since I was 19. This might turn out to be a very long story cuz its about a decades worth of memories. So bear with me. It started out like my own personal fairy tale. We randomly met up in a game of yahoo pool, alittle over a decade ago cuz I remember it was in the month of march. I wasnt looking for anyone but we sat there and played all day and talked the whole time. Just having a great conversation like Ive never had even with friends. We were so much alike. We were both very quiet, careful people. We didnt have many freinds and the ones we had werent any good. We were both kind of depressive. Not really knowing what we wanted or was going to do with our lives. We didnt talk about our interests but we both enjoyed eachothers company. We talked like online friends for a good 4 months. There was a good month or 2 of that when I would solely go online just to talk to her. Id sit and wait a few hours just to chat with her sometimes. She told me she did the same when we hit it off. Come June, 2 days before my birthday actually, she was having an emotional episode telling me how no one loves her and all that depressing stuff. I never realized the feelings I had before she said all those things, but I just knew that I loved her. So i told her those 3 words. Our conversations after that was like an awesome combination of true friendship and true love. Neither of us ever was in a relationship in our lives. We both never had sex. Hell, Ive never even kissed or touched a girl. Unfortunately at the time both of us lived with our parents. But we told eachother what town we both lived in and it was only a few hours away. I couldnt believe it. I really felt like I stumbled across my one. Like it was meant to happen. We talked constantly. She was a very emotional girl. She would go through random stages of thinking she wasnt good enough for me for some reason. Or that I would just leave her out of nowhere. I would shrug it off cuz I knew what I wanted. I would always and forever be there for her. And I was there to talk her through her depression every single time. I never once thought it was too much for me. Or that she was being too needy. I just felt like I found my soul mate and that we were meant to be and that nothing would tear us apart no matter what. So thats how I treated her. Our first meeting wasnt until November of that year. A couple days after her birthday. It was wonderful and I would do anything to relive that day. I didnt have a car at the time so I took a greyhound to go see her. 4 hours on a bus isnt the best of things but all I did the whole time was think of her. When the bus got closer to the station I remember thinking ", oh my god, my soul mate is in there, my one and only everything for the rest of my life is in there waiting for me". The butterflies got worse as the bus got closer. When the bus stopped I could hardly stand up. As i got into the station I saw her leaning against the back wall. There was so many people but for some reason both of us just locked eyes on eachother instantly. She ran up to me and we held eachother. Her parents in the background...lol. When we got done I said Hi. I didnt know what else to say. She locked her fingers around mine and we walked holding hands as she introduced me to her parents. I told her I really had to pee so she let me go. When I came out of the bathroom she was waiting for me against the wall again, but her parents were gone. I asked where they went and she said they went out to the car to wait for us. Just as I was about to grab her hand again she leaned up and kissed me. I was shocked cuz I didnt expect it. I didnt even know how to kiss back. She looked into my eyes after realizing it and all I could say was "...uhm...i never kissed a girl before". She said "thats ok", and pulled my hand to lead me to the car. Her parents drove us to have dinner and we just cuddled eachother in the backseat as close as we could the whole ride. I rubbed the top of her hand with my thumb the entire time also. I remember at dinner neither of us wanted to eat in front of eachother. We were so nervous. All i really wanted to do was hold her hands and stare at her across the table. And thats what I did most of the time. Probably with a glowing smile the whole time. After dinner they drove us to the mall. We walked around and talked holding hands the entire time. Fingers locked tightly together. Once in a while she would squeeze my hand alittle bit. I did it back. Later on we established that we were really telling eachother I love you without saying it. We did Build-a-Bears together also. At the end before they stuffed them the girl gave us these little plushie hearts for each of our bears, told us to close our eyes and make a wish on them, pump them up to get them going, and then give it alittle kiss before putting them inside the bears. "I wish that me and her stay together forever, please, please, dont let her hurt me". For some reason the image of a bookshelf comes to mind also. Weird. After that her parents let us do whatever and told us to meet them somewhere in the mall. Cant remember where. But we headed to the parking garage cuz she told me online she wanted to kiss there. When we got there we walked around a bit. I was waiting for her to kiss me again but she didnt. I couldnt stand it anymore so I walked alittle ahead, pulled her into me and kissed her as passionately as I ever could. I didnt really know how but I let it happen. And she was suprised at it. We made out for a good 45 minutes. During which I was able to slip the promise ring I had gotten her in August. I held onto it for 4 months, knowing I would eventually meet my soul mate. We ended up being late to meet back with her parents also. Her mom even asked if we made out in the parking garage lol. At the bus station at the end of the day we held eachother and kissed more up until my bus arrived to take me back. Crying, she put a necklace around my neck she had gotten a few months before. It had a tiny turtle filled with blue liquid with a piece of rice in it. On the rice was her name on one side and my name on the other. She gave me a letter to read on the ride home also. In the letter was how much she loved the day with me and how much she loves me. I cried on the bus reading it. Our second visit was a few weeks after that. Her parents let me come visit their house. Only for a few hours though. But our first sexual experience happened there in her bedroom regardless of her mom being right in the living room with her door open. We didnt do much. Touched alittle. Gave eachother some oral sex. Neither of us knew what we were doing but it was fun. I always wanted to save myself for marraige and we promise eachother not to have real sex until we did. We visited eachother a bunch of times after that. Experimented alot with our mouths. We always said it was our way to still show how much we loved eachother without breaking our rule. We ended up dry humping alot though. Never penetrated but it was still good. Come Febuary, Valentines day weekend. Her parents were driving somewhere to another state and was gonna be gone for a few days. They let us stay at the house for the weekend. The plan was to stay at her place for a couple nights then bring her to see my family for the first time since she has yet to meet them. I had the week off from work. Anyway, Valentines night things got pretty hot. We ended up having sex. It wasnt intentional. It kind of just happened. Like we both moved in a certain way that it ended up going in. Like it was meant to happen. And i couldnt of asked for a more perfect day for us to lose our virginity. We had sex 18 times in 3 days after that. I dont even remember how. For the first time in my life I was truely happy. Everything was so much more perfect than I ever asked for. For 6 years we were great. The first couple years was mostly me and her visiting eachother back and forth. I lost my job eventually and her parents offered to take me in to help us out. I got my first car living with them. A good job. After 6 months of that I couldnt stand her father and my family offered to take us both so me and her left her place and went to live with my parents. The plan was to use it to get our own place. It didnt happen though. After about 9 months of her living with us my mom and her just didnt get along. They kicked her out. And to this day I wish I went with her but I still hated her father. We didnt talk for 3 weeks after that. Not intentionally. I was in the middle of moving. Our phone was off, we had no internet, plus she told me it wasnt a good idea to call her cuz her parents might go off on me. I thought we were doing fine. After-all, we were soul mates but after 3 weeks of not even a letter I decide to get the stupid internet bill payed for and sit and wait online for her. She showed up and I was expecting her to talk to me like she always has been and be happy to see me. I was confused when she told me she thought we were done cuz I hadnt contacted her for so long. But she didnt try either. Not even a letter or anything. I just thought we were doing fine. We were together for 4 years and she just threw me out after 3 weeks? Regardless, I took the blame for everything. I even talked to her mom and admitted to treating her daughter like crap, and I apologized to her father. Did I do anything wrong or were we both to blame? I didnt care at the time. I just wanted us to be ok again and I did and said anything I could for it to happen. We talked on the phone more. Talked online. Did some visiting again. We were by our standards normal again. With our high hopes and dreams. Her parents offered to take me back in to live with them. I was reluctant at first but I didnt have a real plan for life and after I started working again I chose to try get back on my feet and go and live with my one and only. During the time I was getting back on my feet I did something I will forever be ashamed of. My one and only regret, and if you knew me I tried hard to not have any. Me and a coworker ended up flirting, and that led to kissing and making out at work, which eventually let to making out at her apartment. The thing is. We never did anything past that. If things got too out of hand one of us would stop the other cuz she knew I had a girlfreind. I talked about her all the time. This girl knew how much she meant to me and she even told me she didnt want to be the one that ruined that for me. I was confused at the time. My girlfreind wasnt there for me as much as I wanted her to be. I hated being at home and this girl showed me alot of attention. More so than my own girlfreind did at the time. Come the time when I left to go be with my girlfreind I left this other girl crying. Pleading with me not to go, that my girlfreind will only hurt me. But i knew what I wanted. That I already chose someone. That I wanted the rest of my life to be with her. It took us about a year but we finally got to getting our own place. A small rental house but it was our first home. Life was going somewhere. We both had jobs. I loved mine. She made decent money at hers. Living with her was perfect. We did so well together. Everything was always paid on time. We had food all the time. We had loads of extra money every week. Life was perfect. Sure she still had her emotional meltdowns about if I was going to leave randomly but being with her for 6 years I tought myself to handle it. Only because I loved her. I reassured her, every, single, time. No matter how long it took. I kissed her and told her I loved her every day, several times a day. I came home every night, kissed her goodnight, and was always there for her to wake up to every morning. I was completely devoted to her. And I wanted to stay that way for the rest of our lives. In October of 2008, I remember her coming home from work, very quiet, didnt even look at me, then she told me a freind from work was taking her to the hospital. She didnt ask me to do it. I should of but I figured it was cuz she was pretty sick. And it was common for her so I thought she was being nice to me enough not to bother me with something. I expected her to be home later that night. A couple hours after she left theres a knock at the door. And it was her friend telling me she tried to kill herself. I left right away for the hospital. When I got there they wouldnt let me see her until an evaluator talks to her. It took them 4 hours to do it. I sat there for 4 hours worried sick, getting up every 20 minutes asking and pleading with them to just let me see her and to let me just take her home. When i finally saw her she tried hiding her wrists from me but I asked nicely to let me see. I was mad that she didnt tell me earlier. I always thought she would look to me for help but she didnt. I was mad at that but it only lasted about 30 seconds before I broke down and held her tightly and told her itll be ok and that I would be there for her. All she wanted to do at that moment was go home with me. So I went out of the room and asked when I could take her. They told me probably 3 days and I just went nuts. I begged and pleaded with them to just let me take her now. I explained what kind of girl she is and that I would take care of her. They still wouldnt let me take her. I went in and told my beloved that she might be there for a few days and all she did was cry and hug me begging me to take her with me. But I couldnt. I told her I would be back for her the very next morning. Fortunately they let her go home the next morning when I came by. They saw how worried and devoted I was so they let me take her home. I asked her why she did it and she just told me she hated her job. That it was such a dead end and it wouldnt of gotten her anywhere. So I outright told her to quit the crappy job and go back to school. She was worried about money but I said i could support us both with my job and we would be fine. She quit the job and went back to school. I supported her 150% through the whole thing. She was beginning to be happy again. Or at least normal by what I thought. For awhile we were somewhat happy. Her not working actually slowly got us behind on bills, then rent, then eventually everything. She got her nice brand new sports car repo'ed. We really only needed one anyway. Then I got laid off in September of 09. In spite of crap rolling downhill we actually decided to get married on December 29 of that year. It wasnt a thrilling wedding but it was still one of the happiest days of my life. I didnt try looking for work. I basically milked unemployment for awhile. I think that pissed her off cuz she was still going to school while I stayed home doing nothing. I did do alot of the housework so I dunno. I thought she was ok with it. She seemed like it for awhile anyway. She convinced me to go back to school and I tried going back but it didnt work out. Then in September of 2010 an argument we had just completely exploded for the first time in our relationship. Normally when we have a disagreement we give eachother the silent treatment until one of us breaks down. Most of the time it is me to be the one to break the ice. Anyway the argument got so bad that I opted to leave. I filled the car with all my clothes and stuff. I did it as slow as possible. She didnt try stopping me once. I even went back in after I packed everything and tried sitting down with her while the car ran. It just made me want to leave less. But she didnt once tell me she wanted me to stay or that she still loved me and thats all I wanted. She didnt try and I ended up leaving, crying the whole 3 hour drive to my parents. I stayed at my parents for 3 weeks. Trying desperately to get her to talk to me. Leaving her voicemails all the time. She constantly hung up on me. 3 days after I left I talked to her on the phone. She just wanted the car back and all I wanted to do was go back home. She still just wanted the car and I would not for the life of me give it to her. She hung up on me. I tried calling her back and she screamed at me to stop calling her. I stopped but I went up to my room and i cried for 20 minutes in the corner. My mother tried to comfort me but it didnt work. I just wanted to go home to my wife. It took a bit but I was able to go back to her. I brought her a necklace shes been wanting as a "im sorry" gift in sorts. We fell in love again. Still something was wrong. I figured it was her protecting herself in case something like this happened again so I tried helping her through it. She never admitted that it was that though. I promised to start looking for work again and get our life back on track. She was almost done with school herself so I told her to just focus on that regardless of being about 6 months behind on rent. I started working again in November of 2010. Loved my job though I was only there for about a month. One day in december she came home from doing laundry at her parents. I got out of bed about an hour before she got home(had to work nights). She asked why I didnt do dishes, and I just said I had to go to work that night and that I just woke up and she just started yelling at me. Saying that it was bull**** just cuz I had to work. I agreed, but I was still adjusting to the night shift so I wish she was more understanding. I told her if she wanted me to do them I would of no problem but to please try to be more understanding. The argument exploded again. With both of us yelling at eachother this time, not just her. She was acting like a teenage drama queen and didnt see it. I tried explaining it as best I could in a low tone voice, no yelling, but she kept yelling at me and thats when I punched a hole in the wall, walking away calling her as many names as I could. I never thought I would ever do that to her, but then again I never thought she would do that to me either. I was still yelling from the other room calling her a bitch that needs to grow up. She came in, walked right up to me, I looked up at her as I sat on the couch, then she slapped me, then screamed at me that she effing hated me. Then walked away. And I cried. It didnt hurt. The only thing going through my mind was back before our first date she promised she would never hurt me. And she just did. And it made me cry. She didnt once come in to say she was sorry. In fact, we didnt talk or even look at eachother for the next 4 days. I slept on the couch the whole time. I still went to work. Not happily but I wanted us to keep going. I finally broke down on the morning of the 4th day and went in to our bedroom to talk to her. She was sitting on her laptop like she usually does. I once again tried to come to solution. Telling her that even though we argue sometimes, I still love her. She wouldnt really listen to me. Told me she was gonna leave me anyway. That her parents already have her room ready and that she was leaving that friday. I begged her not to go. Told her how much I love her. I poured my soul out to her. Everything. She looked at me and told me that she was sorry, that its just not there for her anymore. And for some reason, and I curse the thought cuz it changed my life forever, I asked her why she felt this way towards me. Why she was doing this, then I looked her, took her hand, and asked her if she was cheating on me. And Ive asked this before to her through the years. I guess I was looking for some reassurance that she hasnt been. That she never did. But when she turned away and couldnt look at me, she didnt even need to say anything. All I asked after that was ,"tell me what you did". She told me her and a coworker of hers flirted alot in 2008. She ended up getting rides home from him for maybe a week or 2. I never knew about the flirting. I just thought he was a nice guy. Well one day he pulled over, took his junk out and told her to suck on it. Im not gonna go into detail but I will say I know how it went down to the last detail cuz i kept begging her to tell me exactly how it happened. But basically, she thought for a split second it could be fun if no one found out. And she started to do it. She says after a couple minutes she tried stopped but he told her she wasnt gonna stop until she finished him. And he held her down. Like i said i wont go into detail but the way she puts it is just shy of rape. I believe her too cuz she broke down crying like she was raped and i felt bad for her. And all the memories of that time when she tried to kill herself back then all started to make sense. I was devastated when she told me though. I cried hard. I tried pulling my hair out, scratching my face, even tried breaking my fingers. Even though I was completely heartbroken, I still was in love with her, and I told her that I was hurting badly, but her leaving is even worse hurt. I managed to say this still bawling crying badly. Something in her changed. She later said she only told me cuz she thought it was be easier for me to let her go. After she saw how much I really did care for her she changed her mind. And she decided to stay. We fell in love again. We cuddled all the time, had amazing passionate sex several times a day. I appreciated her more cuz I felt how easy I could lose her. I still cried almost every day from the broken soul I had. I would cry in the middle of the night also and she would try to comfort me and help me through it. Sometimes she couldnt deal with hw much pain I was in and threatened countless times to kill herself. She would run into the bathroom or scream at the top of her lungs that she couldnt live with how much she hurt me. We were messed up. But I trusted her to help me through my pain as I always helped her through hers. For the most part we were great again. Actually we were better than before. Our first year anniversary was the best night of my life. I found out a couple other facts about the guy also. That he did it to alot of women. That he was commonly scum. He has a pregnant girlfreind and hes still doing this kind of stuff to any girl that is willing. Yeah, pretty much a full blown scumbag. But worst of all, this guy only lived 2 houses over from us. But I dont completely blame him. If she didnt bother even bending down to do anything to him nothing would of happened. Or even better. If she told me he kept asking her for blowjobs all the time I wouldnt of let her take rides with the guy. January of this year, I had an episode where I cried again about what she did. She really couldnt handle it anymore. I kept asking why she did it and if that was it. Finally she broke down and told me there was more and I had to know every little detail of that as well. I made her tell me everything no matter how much it hurt both of us. Back in September, 3 days after I left and we talked on the phone, when she ended up hanging up on me, she told me she was so mad at me and that guy texted to her to come over to his house so they could do stuff. She said ok, took a shower, and walked over there. Forgive me for going into detail but this is worst of it. She walked into the house and he was waiting in the kitchen. Told her to sit on the couch. They talked about the people they used to work with for a few minutes and then he asked if she wanted to watch some porn. She said yeah whatever. So he goes into the bedroom and comes out completely naked with the dvd. She laughs and tells him hes stupid. He puts the dvd in and they watch it for a few seconds till he got hard. He tells her to pull her pants down, she asks why, he says "because I want to do you". She tells him to turn around, then pulls her pants and underwear down and leaves them around one ankle. He comes over, puts a condom on and tells her to put her feet on the coffee table. Then has sex with her. She says he pulled out before he finished and finished himself off in the bedroom. She said it was 5 minutes of nothing, that she didnt even enjoy it, and that right after he was done he told her that he needed to leave soon so she should go back home. I cried harder than I have ever cried before. I wanted to cry so hard that my lungs couldnt keep up with it. I passed out a few times. I dont remember alot from it but my wife tried comforting me, putting water on my head, holding my face with her hands and screaming at me to wake up. screaming how sorry she was. The only thing I remember was hearing her screaming "baby?!?!" like 4 or 5 times while holding my face trying to get me to breath normally. Worst moments of my life right there. All the happiness, all the innocence i thought me and her would always and forever have, just completely stripped from me and I felt so empty and worthless. It took her 3 days to do this to me....i ask god why every day now. Basically after I managed to get myself somewhat together to be able to move again. I couldnt bring myself to say anything to her. I couldnt even look at her. I sat up in the bedroom staring at the floor. I remember when i go up to go into the living room she told me that she took a whole bottle of xanex and that not to be suprised if she dies. I immediately called her parents and told them. They told me to call poison control so i did. After that my wife was passed out on the couch. Sleeping extremely soundly. poison control told me you cant overdose on those pills but to watch her throughout the night. So as I talked to her mother between 2 and about 5 in the morning I kept checking her. I told her mom to please come get her. That it was pretty bad. That I couldnt even look at her anymore. I was stupid for letting that happen. I was stupid for thinking I could get through my loss on my own. In an empty house all by myself. And I couldnt. I talked on the phone to freinds all day. To her mother to check up on my wife to see how she was doing. I had rages of fits where I threw chairs, punched more holes in the walls, screamed at the top of my lungs and layed face down on the floor for a couple hours at a time hyperventilating. It lasted all day and part of the night. I finally couldnt take it anymore. I pulled out my shotgun while I cried, talking to one of my closest freinds on the phone. I sat on the couch with the gun between my legs, the barrel leaning against my forehead. He was trying hard to comfort me, he could hear the sound of the shotgun in the background and he tried desperately to tell me it wasnt worth it. I just couldnt take the pain anymore. I kept crying and screaming, hitting the barrel against my forehead repeatedly. Harder each time. I was trying to make the pain in my heart be less noticeable by hurting myself somewhere else. Then my wife calls me, and I switch over to her. Apparently my freinds girlfreind texted my wife telling her what I was doing. And knowing my wife on the other side of the phone made me calm down alittle bit. Like she normally does. Right at that moment all I wanted from her was some kind of comfort, something in her to tell me she still cared for me. She asked what I was doing and I couldnt answer her. Then she said ,"do you really want that on my guilt for the rest of my life". Once again thinking about nothing but herself. I put a shell in the gun and pushed the release button that loaded and cocked it. She heard it and yelled at her dad to call 911. I couldnt do anything but cry at that point. I couldnt even bring myself to put my finger anywhere near that trigger or even point the barrel directly at myself. It was loaded and ready to fire with the safety off though and i kept hitting the side of the barrel against the center of my forehead again. I thought of a split second, actually kind of hoped the gun would just go off and kill me accidentally. I thought at the time if that happened it technically wouldnt of been my fault. Still on the phone with my wife she told me the cops were there and that I needed to go outside. I told her I loved her, still crying, she told me she loved me too and she told me to put the phone down but not hang up. I once again told her i loved her and put the phone down. I opened the door and it was weird cuz there wasnt any lights, no one seemed to be there. And for a split second I thought her father didnt call the police. That he was just trying to scare me. Then I heard them yelling at me and I could see the 4 cars parked in the road, 2 or 3 cops per car behind each one with their guns drawn on me. They yelled at me to put my hands up, turn around and get on my knees. Still crying I did it. They handcuffed me and searched our home. Freezing in the snow I looked back in the house, door left wide open. I thought for a second that the heat was getting out. Weird. But as I looked into the house I saw the phone still on the desk. Still on. And I realized that my wife heard it all. They took me to the hospital, handcuffed the whole way. I was very cooperative and went through everything with them. They didnt see me as a bad kid and they even said they would probably let me out the next morning. As I sat there inside the suicidal wing, I kept looking at the clock waiting for an hour to go by. Hoping my wife would show up soon to take me away from this hell like I did for her so long ago. An hour went by...no one. 2 hours go by...nothing. After 3 hours I thought she might of gotten held up in the weather or something cuz it was snowing pretty badly. I was still an emotional wreck though and after 4 hours I kept asking the nurses to call her to let me talk to her. They called her alright but I didnt say a word to her. By the time they evaluated me I was so upset at why my wife didnt show up they had decided to admit me for god knows how long. 3 weeks is the max I heard. Ive never been to jail or arrested or locked up somewhere I couldnt freely get out of and Ive had nightmares about it throughout my life. It was hell when it came true. And they wonder why I was such an emotional wreck. I remember after 6 hours I asked a nurse "Is there no one out there waiting for me?" she replied ", no one". And I walked away trying not to cry. My wife killed my heart, gave a peice of my soul to someone else, and abandoned me in my worst nightmare come true. I spend 4 days eating crappy food, participating in stupid group activities and telling total strangers my deepest darkest feelings. I was locked up, humiliated, and tormented for 4 days. My wife didnt call or visit me for 2 days. That only devastated me more. And right after she told me she loved me on the phone. She said she was pretty shaken up by listening to me be arrested. But I dont know. I wish she would see how I felt cuz I was living through it. When she called I was confused and didnt know what to think. My heart still wanted her badly but my mind didnt know anymore. After a few phonecalls back and forth we decided to try and work eachother through it. Unfortunately we couldnt go back home. I already told my family I was going to live with them and I told the psychiatrist thats what my plan was. If I changed it now I bet they would of kept me longer. When I got out my family took me to our home where my wife was waiting for me. Almost everything of ours was already gone. Her parents was moving everything out. We had to live back with our parents like we were teens again. We said our goodbyes to our first home. Both crying and clinging to eachother. Then we said our goodbyes to eachother until the next time we could visit eachother. Weve seen eachother 3 times in the past few months. About once a month is killing me. I want it to be every weekend but neither of us can afford it. Being this far apart is killing us too. We tend to argue more. Mostly about if the other really cares about one another. And it was my fault the last time. I got desperate again with her cuz shes been distant with me for the past few weeks. I havent seen her for 3 weeks now and she told me she cant come see me until the end of march. I was hoping next weekend but I went off on her last tuesday about her being distant and not acting like she loves me. I told her she can talk to me when she feels like loving me again and she told me to get over myself and that she was done talking to me. Then she said goodbye and she ever since tuesday she hasnt said one word. Not one text to me, not one email, nothing. And I still text her goodnight and that I love her. She hasnt said a word back to me. Ive told her before how much it hurts when she just ignores me. I was mad yeah. I still am alittle. But Im still showing her compassion. Still saying I love her. Ive turned into everything shes ever wanted me to be and she seemed to turned into everything I never wanted. Even if thats wrong, she hasnt really done much to prove to me that its wrong. We started so perfect and so different, but I cant help but feel like we are just like everyone else. The thing that hurts the most above everything is that. That the one and only person you though was just like you turned out to be so absurdly and disgustingly common. I cant just let her go though. I tried in the hospital and my heart wont let me. No matter how hard I tried it wouldnt let her go. I still love her dearly. I keep asking why when she obviously doesnt feel the same. Or at least act the same way. Why should I put forth the effort for her if she doesnt put forth the effort me? I dont know anymore. I cant stand not being around her. I cant stand not being able to talk to her all the time. And unfortunately its bringing me one step closer to suicide every single day she doesnt talk to me. She doesnt realize how bad I am even after Ive told her so many times. I used to be perfectly happy. It was stripped from me so unconscionably that my emotions are so much more out of whack than I could ever think they would be. I dont really feel like I have anything else to live for but her. I put her first over everything in my life for a whole decade. And both of us being our first everything...letting that go isnt something I want to do. I know that if I do it will always be in the back of my mind for the rest of my life. And that is something I do not want to live with.
Rita86 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Please reread what you just wrote. What advice would you give the person writing this? You know what to do here. Nothing can save this relationship. Your wife sucked another guy because she thought it would be fun. Sorry but this woman doesnt love you. You could be with someone who treats you right, you need to love yourself and leave this woman. You are lucky there are no kids involved in this mess. Run...and fast.
PegNosePete Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Dude. You need to get rid of this woman like poison from your wound. She is a cheater, liar and manipulator.
P&R Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 (edited) Please reread what you just wrote. What advice would you give the person writing this? You know what to do here. Nothing can save this relationship. Your wife sucked another guy because she thought it would be fun. Sorry but this woman doesnt love you. You could be with someone who treats you right, you need to love yourself and leave this woman. You are lucky there are no kids involved in this mess. Run...and fast. Usually I'm all for trying to fix a broken marriage. In fact people call me old fashion for telling them that they should stick it out even if they're miserable at the moment. I really do believe in "until death do us part", and I don't respect people who leave their marriage, that is unless there is some special circumstances behind it. I'm going to give you some advice that I never have given anybody else. Get out of this marriage, NOW!!!!! First of all your wife does not love you, despite what she might say. She cheated on you with the same guy how many times? Also when you almost commited suicide she didn't even come to check on you. She only cares about herself, and the statement she made when you had the shotgun to her head tells me that, Oh yeah that and the fact that she KEEPS CHEATING ON YOU with the same guy. If he really is such a creep why does she keep going back to him? If the blowjob incident was just short of rape why did she let him have sex with her? Why did she still have him as a contact and why the hell did she still go over to his house? Why did she do that? Because she was making a conscious decision to cheat on you. In fact that just short of rape excuse is pathetic. The fact of the matter is she still wraped her lips around another mans dick and begun to suck him off, willfuly might I add. Secondly she even kept going back for more. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing. Secondly she does not respect you or this relationship. Again this goes back to the whole cheating thing. She cheated on you with the same guy many times....? Not only that it was apparent that her actions where hurting you. She may even be cheating on you now, even after it almost drove you to suicide. Again she does not respect you, nor does she even seem like she cares about you. A good sign that a relationship is beyond repair in my opinion is when the other partner ceases to respect the other. Thirdly, this relationship is bad for your health. In fact it almost drove you to commit suicide. Right now you are not emotionally healthy, and the very cause of it IS this relationship. You're crying yourself to sleep, and you seem like you are constantly in a state of despair at this moment. This relationship is toxic and it needs to end. It may seem hard... but what you need to do is fill out those divorce papers ASAP. Don't think about it just do it. This relationship is beyond repair, and it needs to end for your own sake. After you end it with her cut off all contact immediately. It isn't a matter of if this relationship will end, it is more of a matter WHEN it will end. All you're doing is dragging this process out right now. You cannot remain as you are right now. Edited March 21, 2011 by P&R
seibert253 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Oil and water don't mix. You and your wife are toxic for each other. Best thing you can do is stay away from each other. Listen, if your wife was truly sorry for everything she did, she would be moving mountains to fix this and fix her. She's not. IMO since she's not communicating with you, and will not visit, odds are she's moved on and is already involved with someone else. The quicker you face the fact that she's gone and probably not coming back, the quicker you will heal and also move on. Time heals all wounds. Each day you stay away and have NC, makes it that much easier to detach. For your sanity and health you need to detach and move forward, not back.
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