JasonRules Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Well, I haven't posted in a month but I wanted to give everyone an update on my situation. Things ended with my gf back in January. I went strict NC and she contacted me 2 weeks later. We went out on a date and also went out for Valentine's Day. After this she would go hot/cold or affectionate/distant. I went on holiday with some friends for a week and she was also on holiday with her friends in another location. During this time, she did not contact me at all and made minimal effort. When I got back she seemed quite distant and all those emotions started coming back again and I wasn't feeling good anymore. So instead of begging, pleading, crying I sat down the very next day after I arrived back from my holiday and wrote a hand written letter kind of going through our relationship from the beginning. The excitement, passion, energy, affection all the way through the distance, misunderstandings etc. Basically, I put my thoughts in writing and that I love her, but I just can't do this anymore with the hot/cold and that if what she felt was real she knows what to do in the future. I went and dropped off the letter 2 weeks ago on a Sunday night. She kept saying she has very strong feelings for me, but she just can't be in a relationship right now because of all the emotional baggage. I said that's fine and told her we're not going to talk anymore. Despite this she called me 2 hours later after she got off work and thanked me for the letter and that it means a lot to her that I sat and wrote it. Fast forward to Thursday and I had a medical procedure done, but I didn't tell her. Somehow she found out and stopped by my place Friday and brought me some pain medication and some soup. She was at my place for 40 minutes. We talked about our relationship again and I reiterated that I just can't do this anymore with her hot/cold. She left, but called me anyway on her drive home and we talked for 1 hour and 15 minutes. At some point I asked her flat out "So for you is "us" completely over?". She replied "I don't know". We ended our conversation and that was the last time we spoke (11 days ago). I have not called, texted, or initiated any kind of contact since then nor am I planning on doing so. I have gone completely NC to try and get over this. I can't lie, there are days which I struggle to get by because naturally if you spend so much time with someone you miss them a lot. However, I know that if she is to be mine she will be back and if she never comes back then she was never mine to begin with. There is nothing else I could do. Finally, I am trying very hard to move on. Naturally, I am still doing the whole spend time with friends, work out everyday routine, but the past week I have gone out on a few casual dates with women. I am trying to get back to normal and remove my ex from my thoughts. Emotionally it will take some time, but I believe if keep at it with small baby steps I'll eventually wake up one day and not feel anything anymore. At this point I'm using NC as a means to forget about her more so than a way of getting back together. The way I see it is this; if its meant to be it will be and if it's not, then it won't.
depplover_1980 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Hi Jason and welcome back. Well it sounds as if you personally have reached that point where you feel you've done all you can, which is a good position to be in, as the worse is to be in constant limbo. I would even go as far as to say she is annoying you now with her constant hot/cold behaviour - it is unattractive and irritating and you probably want to shake her. It shows her to be selfish and inconsiderate. I think you are totally doing the right thing by NC, be determined to get your life together and live for yourself. Some things are out of our power and yes it can really suck, but sadly it is a fact of life. Stay strong. x
Author JasonRules Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 (edited) Hi, Yes indeed; I almost began to resent her in a way. I felt like I was giving it all and was receiving nothing from her end and it was quite frustrating and demoralising at the same time. So I decided its best to stop this turmoil, take back my sanity and life and set my terms. I flat out told her I want a normal relationship and I'd like it to be with you. If you can't give me that, then I want nothing to do with you, and walked away. I'm not waiting around for her either. I'm going to force myself to move on with my life even though emotionally I still have feelings for her. Her birthday is coming up next week. My current stance is to maintain NC regardless. Edited March 21, 2011 by JasonRules
2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 JasonRules This was similar to my story, she could not make up her mind and had these issues with herself, which she actually admitted but instead of wanting to talk about it she shunned me and went into her shell and I tried to be there and be supportive and to talk but she wasn't having any of it. It is very very difficult when people do this and it can be frustrating when only a few weeks before you were getting on great. It is not fair on you or your feelings, as much as she probably can't see it she is being selfish and flaking out because she can't handle it plain and simple. Best to just walk away for now and get on with your life. You can't fix other people because it just drains you emotionally and physically and you end up in more pain - trust me just go full NC. 2011
depplover_1980 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Yes, it shows you have a good self esteem that once the mist has cleared you are able to grab back your life and do what is best for you, not them. This attitude will never fail you because fundamentally you looked out for number one. I empathise with that feeling of intense frustration towards them - when they 'don't know what they want' they come across as pathetic and well, I do not like pathetic people. Your feelings for her will fade, though I believe once your love someone you will always carry a fondness for them. This makes you human and normal and is nothing to be concerned about.
Author JasonRules Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 I guess if there is a lesson to be learned from all of this it's as follows: When someone tells you they are not ready for a relationship, even though their actions are showing otherwise, do not waste your time in the hopes that they will eventually come around. Simply say "thanks, but no thanks" and move on. Yes, the first 6-7 months were fantastic, very affectionate, warm, and passionate, but there is a reason they are telling you that they don't want a relationship with you. Perhaps they have emotional baggage or perhaps they just don't see you as something long-term. It doesn't matter though; in the end you end up getting hurt.
confused1989 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 This kind of sounds like what I'm going through. Except she won't explicitly say she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me but all other signs are pointing that way and I'm caught up in all of it and torturing myself. I wish I had the strength you had.
Author JasonRules Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 This kind of sounds like what I'm going through. Except she won't explicitly say she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me but all other signs are pointing that way and I'm caught up in all of it and torturing myself. I wish I had the strength you had. Well, I've grown stronger with time. This "in limbo" type situation has been dragging on since December. Eventually, you will get tired of it and walk away. I was even thinking that perhaps they are doing it on purpose so I am the one who ends it and not them, because they simply don't have the courage to do it. My suggestion is for you to walk away. Don't tell them you are walking away, just slowly remove yourself from this toxic situation so you can get back to normal.
depplover_1980 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Great advice Jason. I too became involved with a classic commitment phobe who kept saying he couldn't do a relationship, but he kept treating me nice and even took me on holiday. We split 2 months ago and apart from a casual meet here and there, I fully accept there will never be more to it. As time goes on I'm not even sure I'd want more. It is wondeful how the tide can turn sometimes.
Author JasonRules Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 Great advice Jason. I too became involved with a classic commitment phobe who kept saying he couldn't do a relationship, but he kept treating me nice and even took me on holiday. We split 2 months ago and apart from a casual meet here and there, I fully accept there will never be more to it. As time goes on I'm not even sure I'd want more. It is wondeful how the tide can turn sometimes. I know the tide will turn one day. All my exes end up coming back because I'm not your average type of guy. Human nature dictates though that we never appreaciate what we have certain, but think about it for a second. If they don't appreciate what they have, what does that say about them? Are they just too self-centered and selfish to appreciate? In the end, it's their loss. They just don't know it or haven't realized it yet.
2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I know the tide will turn one day. All my exes end up coming back because I'm not your average type of guy. Human nature dictates though that we never appreaciate what we have certain, but think about it for a second. If they don't appreciate what they have, what does that say about them? Are they just too self-centered and selfish to appreciate? In the end, it's their loss. They just don't know it or haven't realized it yet. Quite right it is their loss. Trying to do the right thing and be a decent guy they just walk away, well it is their loss and they have to live with that. 2011
Author JasonRules Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 Quite right it is their loss. Trying to do the right thing and be a decent guy they just walk away, well it is their loss and they have to live with that. 2011 Some years ago I used to be in a relationship with a girl for 1.5 years. We lived together etc. In the end, she broke up with me and I made all the classic mistakes (begging, pleading, chasing etc). It took me almost a year to get myself back to normalcy and I had lost quite a lot of weight. During this time, she looked at me straight in the eyes and told me she did not love me anymore. In the end, I cut all contact. Occasionally, we would see or contact each other, but very rarely. Last year, this same woman who broke up with me and told me in my face she has no feelings for me, started asking me out on dates, or to take her for a motorcycle ride, dinner etc etc. In the end, she said to me "I still have feelings for you. I always thought we would end up together and get married one day". Problem was that it was 4 years too late. By that point, I had absolutely no feelings for her anymore. Any feelings I did have I killed. So I know they always come back. It's just a matter of "when".
depplover_1980 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Again I concur, but only to some degree. I don't think every single person we've had a relationship with will want to get back with us, but there is definately a point where most people wonder 'what could have been' or 'why did I let that one go'. The grass is seldom greener on the other side, it just tastes fresher for a while.
Author JasonRules Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 (edited) Again I concur, but only to some degree. I don't think every single person we've had a relationship with will want to get back with us, but there is definately a point where most people wonder 'what could have been' or 'why did I let that one go'. The grass is seldom greener on the other side, it just tastes fresher for a while. You're correct, I think for the most part they don't, but for some reason all LTR I have had, they all ended up coming back at one point or another. I think we all need to take a good look in the mirror and say to ourselves "I respect myself and my desire to be in a normal relationship" and walk away from uncertainty or being in limbo and emotional turmoil. Ultimately, we do have the power to accept a situation or not. I chose not to accept it anymore and ended it. While, I do not deny I wish at some point she will see her mistake and attempt a reconciliation, at the same time I am moving on with my life because there is a chance I will never hear back from her again as well. Many people in here need to realize we do hold the power in our own hands, but we have to muster the inner strength and courage to let go of something we love and hold dear and walk away. Edited March 21, 2011 by JasonRules
depplover_1980 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Good to see another positive outlook on the board. Stick around and help others when you can Jase.
Author JasonRules Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 Good to see another positive outlook on the board. Stick around and help others when you can Jase. I think I will stick around and try and help others as well, since I went through hell the past 4 months, but I'm still here and whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Author JasonRules Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 It's been a pretty tough day for me today. I try to fill my day with activities and at work I try to focus, but she keep popping in my head every now and then and I find myself missing her. It's as though I was married to this girl and suddenly she died and is no longer with me. I feel an emptiness and void inside of me, like something is off. I have maintained strict NC and am very disciplined in this regard and have also tried dating as a way of distracting myself, but its quite difficult. What's even more crazy is that I still believe that we will get back together, despite everything that's happened.
depplover_1980 Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Tick tock Jason. It is early days yet, what you're feeling is normal and is a dull helpless ache. Why do you think you'll get back together? That is a bad mindset, counter productive to all the good work you're doing on yourself. Time to perhaps take the next stage of acceptance for the bigger picture?
Author JasonRules Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 Tick tock Jason. It is early days yet, what you're feeling is normal and is a dull helpless ache. Why do you think you'll get back together? That is a bad mindset, counter productive to all the good work you're doing on yourself. Time to perhaps take the next stage of acceptance for the bigger picture? I'm not sure why; I can't explain it or put it down in words, but with her it was different. Yes, I have fallen in love and experienced heartache before to where I was devastated, but for some reason this feels different. Everyone we knew always said "You guys go together a lot" or "You guys make a very cute couple". My friend's wife, who's also her boss said one time after she had observed us "Those two are going to be married one day". I know I'm supposed to be accepting and moving on, and I am via my actions, but she is definitely in my mind even if I don't appear distraught or depressed. You're right though, it does get easier with time in that you get used to their absence. I guess time will tell what is meant to be and what is not.
depplover_1980 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 I know but I have been in relationships where people thought we would marry and be together forever, in both instances we got as far as an engagement. But they weren't forever and like in your instance, they ended it on my behalf. Truly gutting, but something in there means they aren't feeling it like you do, no matter what they told you at the time. It all just changed and very often Jason, it all just changes FOREVER. You'd be wise to start keeping that at the forefront of ones mind. x
fetish Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 JasonRules, depplover knows. It's ultimately best to get that mindframe out of your head as far as hope to get together. In a way that's setting your mind up for some possible disappointment. As you say, if its meant to be, it will be. I'm going through the same thing, although not as far along as you right now. My ex of 8 years and i broke up 6 weeks ago. We were engaged and this break up has not been easy. Since she moved out in the middle of February, there were some nights i would be scared to go to the apartment because i felt lonlieness and emptyness of her no longer being there. I've made good use of my time by hitting the gym (sometimes for 2-3 hrs a day). Now i'm finally getting to the point where i don't fear coming to this apartment anymore. I still hurt, although not as bad. Deep down, i'm not ready to let her go either. I guess i secretly want us to make amends and get back together too. But at the same time, i don't want to go backwards and cheat myself out of new avenues and opportunities in life, especially when she ran out on me when i confronted her about a bad habit she was letting get out of control. I mean, if she could allow herself to get that angry to the point that she would run out of what we've built for 8 years, i don't need her anyway. I've seen her and slept with her once since our b/u. She set up that date and said she still wants to have a monogomous relaitonship but in our own places. She's trying to call all the shots, I mean we were engaged. Now, she wants me to chase after her and set the next date! I'm not giving her the pleasure because sacrificing my self respect is where i draw the line. She's the one who walked out and wants me to call? She's the one who has to beg for me back if she wants me. Jason, you should post more. I read your story when you last posted about a month ago. I was just at the very beginning stage of my break up. I saw how well you seemed to be doing with your talk of going to the gym and everything. If you need someone to talk to, pm me because we're both going through heartbreak and i know it to be a stabbing pain. Just keep moving on and staying strong.
Author JasonRules Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 JasonRules, depplover knows. It's ultimately best to get that mindframe out of your head as far as hope to get together. In a way that's setting your mind up for some possible disappointment. As you say, if its meant to be, it will be. I'm going through the same thing, although not as far along as you right now. My ex of 8 years and i broke up 6 weeks ago. We were engaged and this break up has not been easy. Since she moved out in the middle of February, there were some nights i would be scared to go to the apartment because i felt lonlieness and emptyness of her no longer being there. I've made good use of my time by hitting the gym (sometimes for 2-3 hrs a day). Now i'm finally getting to the point where i don't fear coming to this apartment anymore. I still hurt, although not as bad. Deep down, i'm not ready to let her go either. I guess i secretly want us to make amends and get back together too. But at the same time, i don't want to go backwards and cheat myself out of new avenues and opportunities in life, especially when she ran out on me when i confronted her about a bad habit she was letting get out of control. I mean, if she could allow herself to get that angry to the point that she would run out of what we've built for 8 years, i don't need her anyway. I've seen her and slept with her once since our b/u. She set up that date and said she still wants to have a monogomous relaitonship but in our own places. She's trying to call all the shots, I mean we were engaged. Now, she wants me to chase after her and set the next date! I'm not giving her the pleasure because sacrificing my self respect is where i draw the line. She's the one who walked out and wants me to call? She's the one who has to beg for me back if she wants me. Jason, you should post more. I read your story when you last posted about a month ago. I was just at the very beginning stage of my break up. I saw how well you seemed to be doing with your talk of going to the gym and everything. If you need someone to talk to, pm me because we're both going through heartbreak and i know it to be a stabbing pain. Just keep moving on and staying strong. Thanks for the support F. I was with this girl for 8 months and I can only imagine what you're going through since you were with her for years. I am doing quite well in terms of keeping my composure and not "losing it". Looking at me you would never guess that I'm hurting inside and yes; I have been trying very hard to move on with my life. I still hit the gym almost every single day for 2-3 hours after work. I know that if I go home I'll inadvertantly start thinking about her and then start feeling depressed. I have started to date, albeit more so as a distraction than anything else as I'm not ready to emotionally invest in someone at this point, but sometime in the future I assume I will be. As far as my mindset is concerned, I think you could say I'm cautiously optimistic for the future. I do recognize what's happened and am far from delusional, but because all the women I've had relationships with came back to me, I don't see why it will be any different this time. At the same time, I'm not holding my breath either.
depplover_1980 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 At the same time though Jase, you deserve to be free for a wonderful woman out there who won't need to dump you and come back to realise what she has - she'll just know from the offset. You will meet her, it will be easy with no drama and it will just work. It happens to many people.
Author JasonRules Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 At the same time though Jase, you deserve to be free for a wonderful woman out there who won't need to dump you and come back to realise what she has - she'll just know from the offset. You will meet her, it will be easy with no drama and it will just work. It happens to many people. Amen to that. I agree that relationships shouldn't be drama and hard work. If two people like each other and are committed to the idea of being in a relationship then everything moves smoothly and is quite simple.
depplover_1980 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 It's that old 'right person' and 'right time' cliche. It has a ring of truth to it!
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