sweetblubrry Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 He broke up with me at the end of January bc he doesn't know what he wants in life, has self esteem issues, trust issues, feels like a failure, doesn't want to drag me down, etc. he told me he started seeing a therapist at the end of our relationship. We work together so I do see him but not in the last month. We had a talk for 2 hours about 4 weeks ago and he opened up to me about all this. The next day we worked together and he was being all flirty and trying to talk with me. And now nothing and it's been a month. I'm having trouble and want to talk to him. This is so hard. I miss him in my life. Nothing happened in our relationship caused this, it is all him. I miss him so much and this is so hard. He talks to me.... But he's not talking to me.... Does that make sense? Like if I went to work tomorrow and ran into him he would talk. But we havEnt outside of work since the breakup. It sucks, I just want everything to go back to the way it was. So happy and in love. Am I doing the right thing by staying away and giving him space? He was never muc of a phone person even when we were dating. Because of his issues I mentioned would it be okay to ask him how he's doing or will that be bad? Please advise. *
Popondetta Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Dear sweetblubrry! I'm so sorry you are going through this! Since I logged on to this website to post my thread "My boyfriend of 2 years broke up. I want him back, but is he a commitment phobic?", I've read so many posts that remind me of my ex and my relationship with him, and why he broke up with me. My ex is dealing with a lot of the same issues that your ex is (except your ex realises he has issues and gets help for it, whereas my ex probably hasn't thought of that). "he doesn't know what he wants in life, has self esteem issues, trust issues, feels like a failure." etc. Same issues as my ex. I think my ex has been hurt before and therefore will not let i happen again. Has trouble comitting and planning the future. I'm struggling with the NC too at the moment. In a way I am a firm beliver in NC, as I know deep down that if a boy REALLY loves you/me and really wants you/me back, he would walk on fire to get there..... whenever he's ready. But I thing that when they are struggling with such serious issues, they might need time to themselves before they can be a good boyfriend and commit to anyone on a serious level. Good thing in your case is that he's getting help and is aware of his problems. What I've learnt from being dumped before is that most of the time the NC works if you want someone back, BUT they always come back when it's too late and you've moved on, sadly... (a year or so, when they've tried a bit of dating and when they see that the grass isn't any greener on the other side). I really think that you should try to keep up the NC, but you have to do what you feel is right for you. Remember this though: What you/I DON'T need is someone struggling with such serious personal and/or commitment issues that dating them again would mean living in fear of them getting cold feet again. Sorry that I have no specific advice for you, just some thoughts on the situation. What I really want is my ex back in a more MATURE version withouth commitment issues and fear of making the wrong descision. But I don't think he will change that quickly. Will your ex? Hope this wasn't too confusing. Please read my post "My boyfriend of 2 years broke up. I want him back, but is he a commitment phobic?", and feel free to comment on it. Love, P
Author sweetblubrry Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 Thanks for your post! I also want a mature version of him. I don't know.... Nothing we can do I guess. I also believe that if he cares he will contact me somehow. So I'm just giving him the space he needs to try and figure himself out and see what it is to not have me in his life. I do wonder if he misses me though it is so hard because we care about them. It's been a month and this no contact thing still isn't getting any easier. I have him on fb still and all of our pics are still up and tagged. I want him to come around but I will not place my life on hold for him. I hate this feeling of not knowing what will happen. This space has to be good for us though to clear up all the breakup feelings. I know I will see him again because we do work for the same company and I am bound to run into him at some point. In that case I will be friendly and acknowledge him and continue with what I am doing.
0hpenelope Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 I hate this feeling of not knowing what will happen. This space has to be good for us though to clear up all the breakup feelings. Yup, that's what makes NC tough. And again, while I believe that implementing NC as soon as possible allows for faster healing, sometimes it takes breaking NC to help you figure out what to do and how to approach your healing. Others have made suggestions that are an alternative to NC, most recently being Nuala83. She hasn't been online in a while, but her threads run opposite NC. You'll find CaliGuy's insightful observations about her views, too. Side note: her attitude about long-time users being around still are unnecessary, because my reason for sticking around is because I want to help and I want to learn about relationships. Not because I'm bitter. I want my ex back too, but not the way he is. Growth takes time and whether or not he comes around, I'm moving on. That's why I chose NC: I want to move on, even though it's possible he might come back. I'm a little bit annoyed that he still has me on as a Facebook friend because I believe he should be the one to take the steps to delete me; at the same time, I don't want to take the initiative to delete because it will show that I'm affected by his presence there, even though what he thinks doesn't matter. Bleh. So when you run into him, keep your conversations short and friendly. Always look cheerful and pleasant!
depplover_1980 Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Hey Pen, I'll take the beeatch on. Yup, that's what makes NC tough. And again, while I believe that implementing NC as soon as possible allows for faster healing, sometimes it takes breaking NC to help you figure out what to do and how to approach your healing. Others have made suggestions that are an alternative to NC, most recently being Nuala83. She hasn't been online in a while, but her threads run opposite NC. You'll find CaliGuy's insightful observations about her views, too. Side note: her attitude about long-time users being around still are unnecessary, because my reason for sticking around is because I want to help and I want to learn about relationships. Not because I'm bitter. I want my ex back too, but not the way he is. Growth takes time and whether or not he comes around, I'm moving on. That's why I chose NC: I want to move on, even though it's possible he might come back. I'm a little bit annoyed that he still has me on as a Facebook friend because I believe he should be the one to take the steps to delete me; at the same time, I don't want to take the initiative to delete because it will show that I'm affected by his presence there, even though what he thinks doesn't matter. Bleh. So when you run into him, keep your conversations short and friendly. Always look cheerful and pleasant!
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